Between Love and War
by Mrs. Crocodile
Summary: In the aftermath of the prank, Sirius is sent out to do damage control. His mission: talk to the one person Snape would go to and find out what she knows. It should have been simple, but as he quickly finds out, things with Vivian Snape are rarely simple.
1. October 1976

**A/N:** Okay, yes, this fic is OC-centric, but all I ask is that you give it a chance, because I have put a lot of effort into avoiding Mary-Sueness. We're talking multiple litmus tests, some multiple times. Also, I would like to thank my wonderful beta, Sylvia. (See? How can it be horrible if I have a wonderful beta?)

Also, small note, I mentioned this in a later A/N, but I started this story before the Black Family Tree was available, so Narcissa's age is wrong. It occurred to me when reading a rant that I should make that clear to new readers from the outset. You'll see this again in Chapter 4, which is when I realized my mistake.

**Disclamer**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

* * *

**Between Love and War**

**Chapter 1**

_**October 1976**_

Remus Lupin looked at his three best friends. Up until a week ago, James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew had been the only students at Hogwarts who knew his secret. Then Sirius, in a moment of bad judgment, had decided to play a "prank" on Severus Snape. The boys, specifically James and Sirius, were infamous for the pranks they were continually playing on the other students and Severus was their favorite target. Usually their pranks were harmless, but this most recent one was not. Tired of Severus following them around and trying to get them in trouble, Sirius tricked him into entering a passage that led straight to Remus in transformed werewolf form. Fortunately, James had rescued Severus before he had been harmed. Unfortunately, Severus had seen Remus and now knew his lycanthropic secret. Remus had been furious, and refused to speak with Sirius for five days. Finally James had gotten him to agree to a meeting in the interest of damage control.

Peter tried to be optimistic. "Dumbledore made him promise to keep quiet. I'm sure that'll be enough." Dumbledore was the headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where all four boys were in their sixth year of studies and housed in the Gryffindor dormitory. Incidentally, Severus Snape was also in his sixth year, but he was in the Slytherin house.

"Yeah, but I think we should consider the possibility that he might break his promise to Dumbledore. Let's think, if Snivellus was going to tell anyone, who do you think it would be?" asked James, referring to Severus by the nickname they had given him.

The boys thought for a moment. Remus was the first to come up with an answer. "He doesn't really have any friends, so I think the first person he would go to would be his sister." The other three nodded in agreement.

"Okay… now that that's settled, what are we going to do?" asked Sirius.

"That's simple. You're going to ask her what she knows," Remus replied.

"Why me?"

"One reason is that you have the best access. She is best friends with your cousin."

"A cousin who I never talk to and who hates me."

"But mostly it's because this whole thing is your fault. _You_ planned the whole thing alone and _you_ told Severus to go down there. _You_ were completely thoughtless and risked-"

"Fine, if I ask her, will you forgive me?"

Remus hesitated. "Yes," he answered reluctantly

"Great, now how exactly am I supposed to get her to talk with me?"

James had an answer for this. "Flirt with her. Do whatever it is that makes girls follow you around."

"Girls do not follow me around. Besides, I tried to kill her brother. That might make her immune to my charms."

Remus was frustrated and tired. "I don't care if you have to sleep with her, just do whatever it takes to find out exactly what Severus told her," he said, effectively ending the matter.

-----

The next afternoon, Sirius saw Vivian Snape walking with Narcissa Black. At first glance, Vivian did not really look much like her brother, because she did not share his one distinguishing feature. Severus had a long, hooked nose, whereas Vivian's was smaller and indistinctive. She was also easily ten centimeters shorter than her younger brother. Their hair and eyes were similar, but hers were more of a dark brown rather than Severus's black. Though her skin tone would be considered pale by conventional standards, next to her brother and her parents Vivian looked a little dark. Sirius was loath to admit it, but he did actually find Vivian somewhat attractive, and even though he was hoping that he would not have to use any extraordinary means to find out what he needed to know, he did not think he would have and trouble turning on the charm for her if it came to that. Both Vivian and Narcissa were Slytherin seventh years, and had a reputation for being very unapproachable. For this reason, they were, after James and Sirius, probably the most well known duo in the school. Normally Sirius would have avoided them at all costs, but today he was on a mission. He gritted his teeth and came up behind them.

"Hey Snape, can I talk to you?"

Both Narcissa and Vivian looked back. Narcissa looked vaguely repulsed, as if she could not stand the thought of people seeing her talking to Sirius. Vivian, on the other hand, just seemed surprised. "Oh, Sirius. What did you say?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought." She crossed her arms and shrugged. "Didn't you try to kill my brother last week?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "That's an exaggeration. It was just a prank. But that actually is what I wanted to talk to you about."

Vivian looked like she was about to refuse, but after looking at Narcissa she suddenly said, "Okay, let's talk." Then she turned back to Narcissa. "I'll catch up with you in the common room later." She watched her friend leave, but even after Narcissa was long gone, Vivian still did not turn back to Sirius.

He cleared his throat. "Can we talk now?"

"Huh?" She turned around. "Oh, I was actually just trying to get rid of Narcissa. She is such a bitch."

The last comment caught Sirius by surprise and he burst out laughing. Vivian just stood there impassively and waited for him to stop. Once he had, he asked, "Isn't she your best friend?"

"Yeah, she's my _best_ friend; that doesn't make her a good friend. Did you see that look she gave me?"

"What look?"

"Like the mention of Severus reminded her that I'm from a low-class family, and my brother is a loser, and that she's doing me a favor by allowing me to be seen in public with her."

"If you mean the way her nose wrinkled up like she smelled something bad, Narcissa always looks like that. I think you're just being paranoid. Here, try again. What does my look convey?"

She stared at him. He wondered if she was truly trying to decipher his expression or if she was just bored with him. Finally she said, "You are amused by how class-conscious I am. And you have apparently forgotten that we hate each other, so if you could just get to the point here…"

"Right." Sirius realized they were still standing in the middle of the hallway, so he took her arm and pulled her off to the side. "I just wanted to know what exactly Sniv- Snape told you about the prank last week."

"You can't refer to both of us as 'Snape.'"

"Severus, then"

"He didn't tell me any details, just that you and your friends tried to kill him, but James Potter chickened out at the last minute and Dumbledore is forcing him keep quiet because, and I quote, 'he doesn't want his favorite students' records to be marred by this incident.'"

"That's absurd. James and I are always getting in trouble."

"Yes, I pointed that out, but, again according to Severus, those were pranks and this is attempted murder."

"It wasn't attempted murder; it was just a prank that got out of hand."

"Yeah, Sev hates you enough to embellish the details and he and I aren't really that close, so I would be inclined to believe that it was just a harmless prank if it weren't for one thing."

"What's that?"

"The fact that you are here, talking to me, trying desperately to find out if I know anything about what happened that night."

"That's a good point. It is a little more complicated than I'd have you believe. And now that I've found out what I wanted to know, I'll let you go." He started to walk away, but suddenly he stopped and said, "By the way, I don't really think you're paranoid. Narcissa probably was thinking all those things."

Vivian nodded. "And were you really amused by how class-conscious I am?"

"Actually, I was. Can I ask you something?"

She smiled. "Why stop now?"

He took a few steps closer. "Why are you friends with Narcissa if you resent her so much?"

Vivian sighed. "To be honest, it's not just Narcissa I resent, it's all the people who were born into wealth and privilege and throw it in everyone else's face. And the people who toss it away because of some ridiculous idealism," she added as an after thought

He smirked. "I take it that's me."

"Well, you were the inspiration for that last part, but I actually meant all people who do that."

Sirius cocked his head to the side, as if seeing her in a new light. "I think I understand you now. You're very practical."

"What do you mean?"

"It was something you said about me tossing way my birthright for 'ridiculous idealism.' You're too practical for idealism. You're a smart girl. You could be destined for great things, as long as you ally yourself with the rich and powerful. In Slytherin you're surrounded by elitist snobs who value the purity of blood over everything else. So you befriend Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy, but to you they are stepping-stones on the path to greatness."

She stared at him, unsure of how to respond. "Wow, um,"—she cleared her throat—"that's an interesting theory that you've come up with after only talking to me for five minutes. The part of particular interest for me was how I'm too lazy to look outside my own house for allies. Just think about the implications of that statement. That would mean that I support people who kill Mudbloods, I mean, uh, muggle-borns, for the sole purpose of obtaining money and power. I'm curious, do you think I'm completely apathetic and have no views on this issue?"

Sirius paused for a moment. _So much for flirting with her. _"I think you're a cold, heartless, self-centered bitch. And it—"

She held up her hand to stop him. "Okay, that's… fine. I mean, I've worked hard to get that reputation, so… good! However, I don't really need to hear your theory. Here's the truth: I was raised this way, to believe these things."

"So was I, but—"

Vivian interrupted him again, ironically to say, "Let me finish. It wasn't that my parents told me that Muggles are inferior. As you may or may not know, my dad is a Muggle. He actually—"

"You mean the man who raised you was a Muggle."

Vivian blinked. "What?"

"Your father. I mean, you're adopted, right?"

"Oh, right. I didn't know that you knew that."

"I think everyone knows that. Your blood status is firmly 'pureblood' after all."

"Um, my biological parents abandoned me. They didn't want me so they foisted me off on his sis— Eileen and Tobias Snape are the only parents I've ever known. And despite the fact that… Severus is my brother, regardless of genetics. That's all I'm going to say about that. My dad actually tried to impart to us that Muggles are superior to wizarding folk. The prejudice against Muggle blood didn't come from my parents. Severus and I raised ourselves to feel this way because we hated our— and you see back then, we didn't know about—. Anyway, when people started to die, I mean, when the bodies _really_ started to pile up, and I think by now everyone knows that it has escalated to that point, I started to doubt my beliefs. You're right; I've tried to favor realism over idealism, but I can't get these questions out of my mind. I mean,…"

"What?"

Vivian shook her head. "I don't know why I just said that."

"But you did, so you may as well continue."

"Er, okay, even if I still believe we are superior, does that really give us the right to kill them? And that superiority is supposed to be in reference to magical ability, but it's obviously not true. Every day Muggle-borns are proving themselves to be just as capable as purebloods. So how can I believe that the purity of blood really matters? I think that's why I agreed to talk to you."

"I thought you were trying to get away from Narcissa."

"Yeah, that too. The doubting my entire belief system thing, that's why I'm still talking to you, having this conversation about idealism. Although I can't believe I actually just said all that out loud to someone I barely know."

"Yeah, it was strange," said Sirius quickly, trying to push past her reasons for the confession so that he could focus on its implications. "If you understand all that, why do you resent me for following conscience and risking my inheritance?"

"I've been poor, Sirius. I don't know why I said that in the past tense. I _am_ poor, and even if I understand why you're doing it, I still… I'll be blunt. I still can't believe anyone would throw away that much money. Hell, I resent you just for the fact that you have an inheritance to risk. And you're not 'risking' it; you're going to lose it unless you repent immediately. Trust me, I kind of have an in on the Black family workings."

"I see. Thank you for your candor. Well, about the whole… pure-blood, belief system confusion, I think you should talk to Professor Dumbledore about it."

"Thanks." Vivian turned to leave, then she looked back at Sirius and said, "This was actually an almost pleasant conversation. Let's try not to make a habit of that."

"Agreed." Then Vivian and Sirius went their separate ways.

-----

When Sirius got back to the Gryffindor common room, his three friends halted their conversation mid-sentence and looked at him expectantly.

When Sirius did not say anything, James spoke up. "Peter said he saw you talking to Snape's sister and the two of you looked very engrossed in conversation." This surprised Sirius. It was almost as if he had forgotten that other people existed while he was talking to her. He nodded. "So, what did she say?"

"So many things, really," Sirius said, still trying to wrap his mind around all the things Vivian had told him. "But specifically that Snivellus hasn't told her any details of the prank, and that so far he's keeping quiet because of Dumbledore."

"Well, that's good news," said James.

Remus was less relieved. "Yeah, for now." After a small pause, he asked, somewhat suspiciously, "How did you get her to talk to you?"

Sirius shrugged. "I didn't have to try too hard. She was perfectly willing to discuss it. Actually, the only reason she talked me was because she wanted a reason to get rid of Narcissa. I don't think they really like each other that much."

Peter was confused. "I thought they were best friends."

"Yeah, if they hate each other, why are they always together?" added James.

Sirius thought for a moment. "Because no one else will put up with them."

The other boys started laughing, but Sirius had a feeling he had hit upon the truth, and that just opened up more questions for him.

-----

As she walked to her dormitory, Vivian could not believe the things she had said. Okay, she was having a small crisis of faith. Why did she have to tell Sirius Black of all people? And it wasn't just the things she said; it was the way she said them. Why wasn't she her usual snotty, condescending self? And why did she wish she were still talking to him instead of entering the Slytherin common room?

Her thoughts were interrupted by Narcissa. "What did my blood traitor of a cousin want?"

"To cover his own ass apparently. A prank went wrong and Severus almost died, so of course, Sirius wants to make sure no one knows the details."

Narcissa huffed haughtily. "Typical. Those Gryffindor boys are always doing something stupid. So, will you help me study for the potions exam now?"

Vivian sighed and sat next to Narcissa at the table. "Yeah, sure."

-----

A couple days later Sirius saw Vivian again. She was leaving the Transfiguration classroom and this time she was alone. He jogged to catch up with her. "Hey Sna—Vivian, can we talk again?"

She looked up at him, a smile playing upon her lips. "I thought we had agreed not to."

"I just have a few questions about something we talked about before."

"If it's about my brother, I still don't know what happened that night, and if it's about my sympathies toward Mudbloods, forget I said anything."

"Why? No, never mind. It's not about either of those things."

"Now you've piqued my curiosity."

"I called you cold and heartless and you said that you had worked hard to get that reputation. What did you mean by that?"

"That's what you've been dying to find out for the last two days? Why does it even matter?"

Sirius tried to decide how in depth to go in his explanation. "I was talking to the guys and mentioned that you don't seem to like Narcissa. It occurred to me that maybe you and she are friends because nobody else will put up with you. But then why did you work hard to get that reputation that makes people think you're hard to get along with? Does that make sense?"

"Not quite, but I think I know what you mean. You want to know why I wanted to be thought of as difficult to get along with. I think your earlier theory covered why I'm friends with Narcissa."

"Right, but that theory doesn't account for you wanting a bad reputation."

"Maybe I've molded myself into the kind of person Narcissa would be friends with so that I can ride her coattails to wealth and power. Or maybe what I meant when I said that was that I am heartless and difficult to get along with and I want my reputation to reflect that. For the longest time people would come up to me and want to talk. Apparently I have a friendly, inviting face. It's very annoying. But for the last few years, it hasn't happened that often."

Sirius shook his head. "No, that's not it."

"What makes you so sure? You don't even know me. Where does this sudden insight into my mind come from?"

"From the things you say and the way you act. I don't believe you're heartless, not with the way you're struggling with the ethics of your fundamental pureblood beliefs. I am talking to you; I can tell you're not cold or difficult."

"Then why did you call me cold and heartless?"

"I'm fairly sure I was going purely on reputation, which makes me wonder why you want this reputation."

"And we've come full circle. Look, I gave you the standard answer. I'm not going to delve any deeper because I barely know you and you tried to kill my brother."

"You fascinate me. I can't stop talking to you. Everything you say makes me want to know more."

"Really? It sounds like you have a crush on me, Sirius."

"I sincerely doubt that's what it is."

"I'm going to try not to be offended by that statement. Why doesn't anyone ever have a crush on _me_?"

"Probably because of your reputation."

"Let it go. I meant that it's always Narcissa, who has the same reputation by the way. Yeah, she's tall and thin and blonde, but I think I'm cute too."

"Why are you telling me this? You barely know me."

"You're still fascinated, aren't you? Because you are the one who won't admit he has a crush on me."

"There's a difference between a fascination and a crush."

"Okay. Y'know, I have often thought that I am being overshadowed by Narcissa and if it weren't for her, I could be in the running for the prettiest girl at the school."

"What about Lysandra Godfrey?"

"Who?"

"The Ravenclaw sixth year with curly brown hair and big doe eyes."

"Look, I'm not saying I would be crowned 'The Prettiest Girl at Hogwarts,' I just think I could be in the running, but not next to Narcissa with her perfect little body."

"Nobody actually likes Narcissa."

"They don't like her, but they still want her. Oh, I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean—I'm not saying you lust after your cousin. I just meant guys in general."

"Why did you segue into this subject?"

"I've wondered about this for a few years now, and I'm hoping that since you have a crush on me, you'll be biased enough to confirm it."

"You're flirting with me." He said in an amazed tone. "I have to know, are you flirting purely to fuel my fascination or do you have a crush on me?"

Of course she had a bit of a crush on him. Every girl in the school did, but she certainly was not going to tell him that. Instead she laughed as if the thought were ridiculous. "I'm not flirting with you."

Sirius's eyes grew wide. "You do! That's why you keep saying that _I_ have a crush on _you_; you're projecting. If you didn't, why would you be trying so hard to get me to tell you you're attractive?"

"Because you are the first guy, other than my brother and possibly my father, that I have had a decent conversation with in the last six years. And as a bonus you're related to Narcissa, so you, hopefully, aren't attracted to her, like Lucius Malfoy, who I just remembered. So, yes, I _really_ want to know, do you find me attractive?"

"So spending all your time with Narcissa has given you low self-esteem. She's rich, she's beautiful, and you feel inadequate next to her."

"Could you stop analyzing me for two seconds and answer my question?"

"Oh." He hesitated. "Yes, you are attractive in a girl-next-door way. That just means I'm able to appreciate you aesthetically. And I prefer brunettes, so you have that advantage. It doesn't mean I have a crush on you."

Vivian was smiling broadly while he spoke. Once he finished, she said, "There is a very real, very specific reason I want to be known as the bitch. It's also very personal, and I want to tell you that if we keep having conversations like this I'll eventually explain it, in hopes of playing on the interest that has drawn you in this far. Because I actually enjoy these weird conversations we have. Anyway, but the truth is I can't promise that I'll tell you at some later time because it might not be true. And I am not saying this to fuel your infatuation with me. I just want you to know that you can keep talking to me and trying to figure out what goes on in my head, but you deserve to know that you may never… I may never tell you about the things that really shape my personality."

"This is why I can't stop talking to you. You started out normal, but since then you have just gotten more and more neurotic. I mean, I thought you had topped out when you asked me if I find you attractive, but that last speech was far beyond anything you've said before. The first time we talked you sort of contradicted yourself a couple times; it was nothing like this. Now I wished I'd never asked you to explain, because I think I'd talk to you forever just to find out what those things that shaped your personality are."

"As long as you understand that you may know."

"Oh, I understand that."

"And you should know that I'm not normally this neurotic; this isn't a secret side I'm hiding. You get me all flustered."

"Coming from an ice princess, I think that's the best compliment I've ever gotten."

"Oh no! I have to go. I'm going to be late for Charms."

"Yeah, I have a class too. I'll talk to you later."

-----

The next morning at breakfast, Vivian marched over to the Gryffindor table. She interrupted Sirius in an icy tone. "I need to talk to you about something my brother just told me."

Sirius sighed. If she knew what happened that night, then this would probably be the last time she talked to him, and there was still so much he wanted to know. "Yeah, okay. Can we talk privately though?"

"I think that would be best."

Once they had gotten out to the hall, he asked, "So, you know?"

"No, he didn't tell me anything, although I must say I'm curious. I just needed a legitimate excuse to pull you aside. By the way, the Slytherins think I'm trying to bully you into telling me because Severus won't."

"Then what is this really about?"

"We can't keep talking in the halls. Whatever it is that's happening between us, and I don't feel like defining it right now, I want that to stay between us. I think that we are both happy with the current public opinion of us, and the last thing we want is to be seen together. This will be our last public conversation. So if you want to practice your amateur psychology on me, or even if you just fancy me, we need to schedule a private meeting in a completely out of the way place."

"You mean like a date, don't you?"

"That would be defining our relationship, and we can do that when we meet for our secret date."

Sirius knew she was teasing him, but he couldn't help but be a little miffed. "I'm going to forget that you just said 'relationship' and 'date,' and go ahead with the arrangement. I will meet you tonight outside the entrance to Slytherin at two a.m. I may be able to get my hands on an invisibility cloak. If I don't show up by quarter after, assume that I was unable to get the cloak."

"Wow, you came up with that rather quickly."

"I was actually thinking the same thing about being seen in public. You're always smiling at me and you never smile. It looks suspicious. When we go back in, I'm going to tell my friends that you knew nothing and were trying to trick me into telling you the details. If you say the same thing to your housemates, everyone will think that's what happened and they'll never know that we actually get along."

"That's very plausible, and it's handy to know that you're so good at lying. I'll see you later." Then she turned around and walked angrily back into the Great Room.

Sirius followed her in and sat with his friends again. Remus looked scared, but Sirius reassured him. "She doesn't know anything. She was bluffing, trying to get me to let something slip. She's dying to know what happened, but as far as I can tell Severus is going to keep his mouth shut."

"Well that's good news."

"Actually, the good news is that if she does find out, she'll probably come to me first and I'll get a shot at convincing her to stay quiet."

Peter looked skeptical. "Why would you be able to convince her to keep quiet? She looked rather hostile when she came over here. If anything, she'd probably spread the news just to spite you."

"No, she's not spiteful."

"Who's not spiteful?" asked Lily Evans as she sat down with the group. Lily was also a sixth year in Gryffindor. It was common knowledge that James fancied her, but what most people did not know was that secretly Lily liked him too. She always said that she started hanging around with the boys because of her friendship with Remus, and while it was true that she and Remus had become good friends over the last couple years, James was the real reason she had befriended the others. However she had no intention of letting him know that. In Lily's opinion, James was overconfident in his skills, as a student, Quidditch player and a member of the opposite sex. She didn't want to like him, but she couldn't help it.

"Vivian Snape, the girl who just dragged me out of here to yell at me."

"Yeah, what was that about anyway?"

The four boys exchanged glances. Lily did not know that Remus was a werewolf, and although she was a friend and probably the most understanding person he knew, he didn't want her to find out. In fact, Remus had not intended for the other three to find out either, but they had put all the clues together on their own, especially since he always disappeared at the full moon.

"It was about the way we treat her brother. She wants us to stop being so hard on him." James was satisfied with his answer since it was, as far as he knew, technically true.

"I can see her point. You guys are really mean to him."

James rolled his eyes. The one thing Lily and he disagreed about the most was Severus. James did not understand why she defended him. Severus always said horrible things to her because she had been born to a muggle family, but Lily would just shrug it off and get angry at James for picking on him. He looked over at Sirius, but his friend was lost in his own world.

James's response had gotten Sirius thinking. He realized that at some point he had forgotten that Vivian was actually Severus's sister. If he was going to keep seeing her, it would probably mean that he'd have to start being nicer to Severus. The thought left a bad taste in his mouth. He decided that was definitely something they need to talk about that night, because it could be a deal breaker.

"—idea. Right, Sirius?

Sirius had not heard a word Remus had said. "What?"

"Where were you just now?" asked Peter.

"I was, um… thinking."

Peter was not going to let it go. "About?"

"Vivian." Sirius replied simply, unable to think of anything else to say. "The things she's said, the way she's acted. I'm just trying to get some insight." He was surprised to see Lily nodding and wondered what exactly Remus had just told her. "So what were we talking about?"

-----

After he picked her up that night, Sirius led Vivian to a deserted classroom on the first floor. It was filled with spare desks. Vivian used an Imperturbable Charm on the door so that no teacher patrolling the area would be able to hear the voices coming from the room.

She sat cross-legged on top of a desk. "So, do you have any new questions for me?"

Sirius thought of asking about Severus, but he knew that would probably start a fight, or worse cause her to storm out and never talk to him again. At that moment he knew for sure that he did like her in some capacity, because he was not ready for this to end. "Yes. Why did you talk to me that first day? I mean you clearly stated that you hated me. Wait, did you really hate me?"

She nodded her head. "Yes. Well, maybe not that much, I don't know. I talked to you because… I'm tired, of being isolated and of trying to be strong and of pushing people away. I think I was desperate for someone I could really talk to, but I don't know why that's you. I guess when you started analyzing me, I realized that I wanted someone to care. Oh," She scrunched up her nose. "I sound pathetic."

"No, you don't. It's not pathetic to want someone to talk to. I certainly understand that you couldn't talk to Narcissa. Let's see… what do you want to do when you get out of here?"

"That was random. I'm going to be a healer. But, more specifically, I want to work in the pharmacology laboratory at St. Mungo's."

"Oh, right. Aren't you some kind of potions prodigy?"

"No. No, you're thinking of Severus. He's the prodigy; I'm just really good at them. Professor Slughorn once told me that he didn't understand why I couldn't do this really difficult potion. Severus could do it when he was a fourth year. He said that right in front of the whole class. I should not have to try to live up to my younger brother. It was a NEWT level potion, for Merlin's sake! Sorry, I can get a little sensitive about that."

"Yeah, fortunately I haven't had that problem with my little brother."

"So what do you want to do after school?"

"I want to be an Auror."

"That's exciting. There must be a lot of work for an Auror, a lot of dark wizards with You-Know-Who gaining power."

"Yeah, speaking of dark wizards, did you say earlier that— Is Narcissa involved with Malfoy?" Vivian nodded. "Isn't he a little old for her?"

"He's only five years older than us. 'Us' being Narcissa and myself. That's not really that much of an age difference anymore if you think about it. Of course, maybe it is for you, because you're still just a kid."

"Yeah, five years older isn't much of a difference, but one year younger? That's unheard of. It occurs to me that you probably know more about what's going on with my family than I do."

"Well, about your cousins, certainly."

"So… what's going on with them?"

"All three of them?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Oh, let's see. Bellatrix and her husband are trying to get pregnant."

"That's a scary thought."

"Yes. Bella doesn't particularly want to become a mother, but Rodolphus insists that they need to start on the next generation of Death Eaters. However, so far they've had no luck. That 'traitorous slut,' Andromeda and her 'Mudblood' husband— Narcissa"s words, not mine—actually had a child a few years ago, which I'm sure you knew. Bellatrix is very upset about this, even though they had little—" She paused to remember the child's name. "—Nymphadora long before Bella even thought of having her own. And… actually I guess that's all for Bellatrix. As for Narcissa, she is engaged to Lucius Malfoy."

Sirius jumped on that word. "Engaged? I had no idea they were that involved."

"But you had to know how involved the families are. It isn't a marriage; it's a merger."

Sirius started to laugh. "That's true. Actually I suppose it should have been my merger; I was intended for Malfoy's little sister."

"I assume that was before you turned your back on the family values."

"I guess so. It doesn't matter. I never intended to marry Portia anyway. If I ever get married it's going to be because I'm in love, not because my mother arranged it."

"Why did you say it like that, '_If_ I get married?'? That's very cynical. I always say 'when.' When I get married, it's going to be a calculated power move, like Narcissa's."

"And you called me cynical. What if you fall in love, like Andromeda?"

"Love fades more quickly than power."

Sirius smiled. "How practical."

"Why are you smiling?"

"It's just that I was right about you from the start. You're too practical for idealism or love. Just because you're questioning You-Know-Who's methods doesn't mean you're going to do anything about it. There was a lot of misdirection in the later conversation, but it all comes back to practical."

"You make it sound so simple. Yes, I have one dominant principle that influences everything I do, but it's not practicalism— practic…ality." Vivian's cheeks colored slightly at her error. "It's not practicality. I'm not too practical for love; I just don't believe in it. My mum was in love with my dad, and look where that got her."

"Which mum and dad?"

"The Snape ones. Whenever I say 'my parents,' assume I mean the Snapes."

"There are worse things than being poor, you know."

"That's not what I—. You're right. I'm sorry. I am overly obsessed with social standing."

"Is that your driving principle, or goal, to improve your social standing?"

"Goal is a better word for it, but no. And I'm not trying to use you to achieve that end either, in case you were wondering."

"Then what is it?"

"I thought you understood that you may never find out the answer to that question."

"Can't hurt to try. Every time I think I've got it, you confuse me again."

"You're trying too hard. The way to get to know someone is to talk to them for a while and then form a theory when you have all the information."

"You just made it clear that you haven't decided whether to give me all the information or not."

Vivian opened her mouth to speak, and then she closed it. She looked pensive for a moment before burying her face in her hands. "What am I doing here?"

Sirius did not know what had caused this sudden change, but he had a feeling he had just gotten that much closer to finding out the answer to all his questions. He was staring so intently at her body language that he jumped when she began to speak again.

"I almost let it slip before when we were talking. And even if I wanted to tell someone, it's not just my secret. But I don't want to tell anyone. I have worked for years not to tell anyone! And after what you did to Severus- I can't believe I almost told you of all people. What if after all these years, I end up like her anyway?"

"Like who?" he asked gently.

She looked up and threw her arms in the air. "There I go again! I don't know why I came here. I don't know why I was so willing to talk to you, but my senses have returned and I want you to take me back to my room."

"Is this about Severus? Because I can be nicer to him." That was not what Sirius had intended to say when he brought up the subject of how he treated her brother, but he meant it if it would stop Vivian from freaking out.

She got up off the desk. "I sincerely doubt that. It's not about him anyway; it's about me. I made a mistake when I agreed to talk to you."

"What just happened here? One minute we were doing the dance I'd come to expect with you, where I ask questions and you skirt the issue. And suddenly you…" Sirius's sentence trailed off. He noticed that Vivian had started pacing as he was talking. She seemed to be working herself up even more.

"I have things I don't want to talk about. I think that's clear. I became so relaxed with you that I almost said something, a couple times. I need to get away from you because I have lost control and I really don't like feeling out of control."

"Can we do this again sometime?"

"I really don't think that would be wise."

"Will you at least tell me what your secret goal is?"

She laughed mirthlessly. "Isn't it obvious? The only goal I have in life is not to end up like her. That's why I need you to take me back to my room now."

"One last question, then we'll go, I swear. Am I supposed to know who this mysterious 'her' is?"

"You don't appear to know the story, and for that I am truly grateful, on many different levels."

Sirius sighed. He wanted to ask one more question, but he had promised. Besides, he told himself, with Vivian there would probably always be "one more question." So he picked up the invisibility cloak, draped it over himself and Vivian, and made his way back to the dungeons that housed the Slytherin common room.

When she turned to go back into her house, Sirius grabbed her arm. "Wait!" Vivian visibly flinched. He found that odd, but continued with his original thought. "I don't see the use of going around in circles anymore. If you set up another meeting, I'm going to expect to hear her story. Otherwise it's pointless." He looked deep into her eyes when he said this

She broke eye contact by looking down at his hand still on her arm and pulled away violently. "That's okay. I think I have it out of my system."

-----

Sirius could not get back to sleep. He lay awake all night, tracing and retracing the conversation. Until the very end of it, he was not sure that he really believed that she had a deep, dark secret. This whole time, even as he had struggled to figure her out, he had thought that she was probably just messing with his mind. And maybe she still was, but he could not shake the feeling that Vivian was hiding very real demons.

_Even if I wanted to tell someone, it's not just my secret._

He could understand that. If he had wanted to tell Vivian what really happened that night with Severus, he would have to also tell her that Remus was a werewolf, but that was not his secret to tell. He wondered what secret she was hiding for this mysterious woman, and how intertwined Vivian was in her story. And then there was the story. Did he really not know, or had he just not connected it to her? And who was this woman? Everything Vivian said implied that she would love to end up just like Narcissa. That was it. Narcissa was the only woman he could think of in connection with Vivian.

He had threatened her, saying that he wouldn't talk to her again until she was ready to tell him these things. The assumption there was that she was as interested in him as he was in her. Actually he had gotten the impression that she was more interested in him than her was in her. He had never liked a girl who did not reciprocate, and it upset him to think that maybe his assumption was wrong. Not that he was really that interested in her, he told himself firmly. His desire to know what she was hiding came purely from curiosity.

Hours passed while Sirius went over everything he could remember, searching for clues, but when the sun came up and everyone started to get ready for classes, he was no closer to the truth than when he started.

-----

Vivian lay awake the rest of the night. She asked herself the same questions she had before. _What's wrong with me? Why was I so willing— no eager— to talk to Sirius Black?_ But now she knew the answers. She did not know when it had happened but somehow Sirius had gotten under her skin. She did not by any means have him out of her system, as she had told him, but that didn't matter. She could never talk to him again because the last thing she needed was to fall in love with Sirius Black. Despite all her teasing, she knew that Sirius probably would not reciprocate. And even if he did, he was definitely not the man for her.

There were so many reasons that she could not let herself fall for Sirius, the least of which being his lack of romantic interest. He was a Gryffindor and a blood traitor, which, she reminded herself, she was not yet. He was obnoxious and arrogant. But most of all, he was actually a man she could see herself falling for. She had decided years ago that she would not fall in love with the man she married. That was always the first mistake. No, she would not choose a husband for love; she would choose a man who was weak, malleable. Marrying a strong man was the second mistake. Her mind involuntarily turned to her father. She thought of the nights he'd come home drunk and hit her mother. She knew her father couldn't have always been like that. He must have been different before they were married. It was easy to blame the alcohol, but that would be another mistake. Alcohol doesn't make a man abusive; it only lowers his inhibitons toward being abusive. She had to be vigilant and watch for the warning signs. She was not going to end up like her mother or get caught in a cycle of abuse like Severus. But Severus was not completely to blame for his own torture. No, Sirius, the torturer, was. He'd almost gotten Severus killed; if that wasn't a warning sign, she didn't know what was. So how could she let herself grow to care for Sirius? _No, this flirtation ends now._

-----

Sirius spent the next week on the lookout for Vivian. He waited impatiently for her to give in and seek him out, but the next time he ran into her he knew that was not going to happen. She was exactly what her reputation dictated, cold and distant. He could see it in her eyes. Whatever connection they had shared, it was gone. Even though he knew it would be futile, he still tried to strike up a conversation.

"What happened before?"

Vivian sighed and leaned her shoulder against the wall. "This—" she pointed back and forth between herself and Sirius, "—ended. That's what happened."

"Yeah. What I really meant was: why?"

Vivian sighed again. She was silent for a long time before saying, "If you didn't understand that night, I don't know what I could say to make you understand now."

"Okay, I'm sorry about the ultimatum. If you don't want to talk about what happened to that girl, it's okay."

"It's not about the ultimatum. I don't want to talk about her, but also, I don't want to talk to you, at all."

"Those are the questions I was asking. Why don't you want to talk to me anymore? What happened?"

_I started to care about you too much_. "I was starting to let you in and I don't want to let you in. It wasn't fun for me anymore."

"So you never had feelings for me?"

She started. "What? Where did that come from?"

"It just seemed, at times, that you flirting with me."

Vivian did not know how to respond to that. She had been flirting with him, but she wanted to say something now that would get rid of him for good. "I may have entertained, for a brief moment, the idea of marrying you and becoming Mrs. Black. But I never really had feelings for _you_."

Sirius was confused. "And yet you were thinking of marriage… Oh, a cold, calculated power move, right?"

"I'm not proud of it. But come on, the money and the… pedigree. It was all very tempting. I'm tired of being surrounded by all these rich and perfectly pure people. The Blacks and the Malfoys. You don't know what it's like to be a Snape."

She didn't know why Sirius looked so hurt. He stared at the ceiling, laughing bloodlessly. "You said you weren't trying to use me to improve your social standing."

Had she really said that? She couldn't even remember anymore. He was still staring at the ceiling. Before she spoke, she glanced up to see if there was anything up there, but she saw nothing out of the ordinary. "By that time I wasn't. It was really just a thought. I wouldn't have really tried to use you. At least, I don't think I would have."

Sirius shook his head and walked away.

Vivian watched him, not knowing that she had just broken his heart. However, Sirius, who also seemed so cool and carefree, had one major point of insecurity. Although he had always done extremely well with women, he often had trouble ignoring the tiny voice in the back of his head that told him all the girls were really interested in was his money. He realized that Vivian did not speak for all women and that it was entirely possible that she was the only gold-digger he had failed to identify so far, but it still horrified him to hear it put so bluntly.

Even if someone had told Vivian that Sirius had grown to care for her in that short time, she would not have believed it. She was everything he hated. She was a Slytherin who could see the truth and still continued to support those who would kill Muggle-borns. Of course, she never stopped to consider that she had grown to like him despite the fact that he was everything she hated, in theory.

* * *

**A/N:** I started this story long before HBP came out, but I decided to wait so that I could incorporate all the new canon in. I was prepared for almost anything, confirmation that Snape was an only child, S/R becoming indisputable canon, anything except that Snape wasn't a pureblood. That was the one thing I thought would never happen. So, if you want to know why Vivian is adopted, I felt that her purity was too central to the character. For example, a half-blood Vivian could have never gotten into Slytherin. I've gone back and taken out other sue-isms so that it all evens out, but I felt the need to acknowledge the biggest of my Sue sins. And the abuse... I didn't necessarily want to do that, but it's what I saw in the OotP canon.


	2. March 1977

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**  
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Chapter 2**

_**March 1977**_

Not long after that last conversation, Sirius began seeing Lysandra Godfrey, the pretty Ravenclaw sixth year. For the next five months, he and Vivian avoided each other. It was as if they had an unspoken agreement to forget those few conversations had ever happened. However, toward the end of March, after a lot of consideration, Sirius broke that agreement.

Vivian was walking the halls with three of her friends, including Narcissa, when Sirius walked up to her. Ignoring the other girls, he said, "I need to talk to you."

Unsure of how to respond, Vivian decided to revert to old standard of the prank. "I still don't know what happened in September, so there's no-"

"It's not about that. I need to talk to you alone." His tone was harsh.

Vivian looked around at her friends, wondering what had caused this sudden urgency after so much time. She turned back to him and shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Trust me, it's in your best interest to get rid of your friends." Without waiting, he took her arm and dragged her off to the side of the hallway. Her friends just watched, too far away to hear. After a few minutes, they walked away.

"Hey! What are you doing?" She glanced back at her friends. _Real _friends would have saved her from this attack. "I'm not going to talk to you. And don't touch me." She ripped her arm out of his grasp.

Sirius had a flashback to that night outside her dorm, the last time he had held her arm. He put it out of his mind. "I don't want you to talk. I want you to listen. Whatever it is that happened back then, it's over. I know that. I'm with Lysandra now. But there are some things I need to say to you."

She swallowed hard. "Okay."

"Those girls are not your friends, and you don't believe in the same things they do." Vivian opened her mouth to say something, but Sirius held up his hand to stop her interruption. "There's no point in pretending those conversations didn't happen or that you didn't mean it. I know that you don't believe all that pureblood nonsense."

"What does this have to do with anything? You're not my friend either. I'm leaving in two months and I'll be out in the real world where there's a war going on. I've made my contacts, and my decision."

"That's what I mean. They're just contacts and you have strong ties to them. But you don't have to take their side in the war."

"Oh, you're trying to recruit me."

"I'm trying to do so much more than that. I think you're perfectly poised to become a spy."

Vivian's mouth dropped open. "You've got to be kidding me."

Sirius shook his head. "No, be Narcissa's maid of honor in August, get in even better with the Malfoys. Lucius is already-"

She cut off his low tone with a whisper. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, shut up!"

He ignored her. "You can even have your calculated marriage. Marry a great, rich, pureblood Death Eater. In fact, marry my brother, Regulus. He's the only heir; I've been disowned. You can still be Mrs. Black. Since you won't love him, you can betray him. And when he's in jail, you'll have the money all to yourself."

Vivian slapped him.

"Ow! Why did you do that? You know that I'm right."

"That was for the benefit of anyone who may have been eavesdropping." But she felt as if he'd just slapped her in the face. "This is not the place to be having this conversation."

Sirius looked around. The hallway was mostly empty except for two young students ten metres away. Still he knew that she was right and he had been careless. "You're right. I'm sorry, that was stupid. I'm not even the person you should be having this conversation with. You need to talk to Dumbledore about this."

"What makes you so sure you can trust me?"

"Because for those few days in early October I saw the real you, beneath the icy exterior. You can try to freeze me out now, but I know the truth. You have a heart and a conscience. I know you'll make the right choice. Talk to Dumbledore. His password is Sugarquill." With that he turned and walked away.

Vivian watched him walk away, amazed. She knew that she had been right to stop talking to Sirius back then. Even after all these months, she could see how easy it would have been to fall for him, despite the fact that he had just suggested that she marry his fourteen year-old brother. It scared her to realize that he already knew her better than anyone else did. She saw in his eyes and heard in his voice the words he did not say. He seemed to almost need her to be a good person, to be on his side of this battle. He was begging her to prove that he was right about her. Why did he care so much? And what did he mean when he said 'I'm with Lysandra now?' It seemed to imply that he thought… but that was ridiculous; she had made herself perfectly clear in October, as he had demonstrated with that whole "Marry my brother" speech. It didn't matter what he thought. It was over; she had ended it, because of her father. She closed her eyes briefly and thought about that past October. She thought about all the things she had told him. She thought about the way his warm, gray eyes had searched hers, as if he was trying to see into her soul. He had shown genuine interest in her, and she had needed that. She had wanted him so much, but she had also been scared. On a rational level, she knew that it was not likely that Sirius would become abusive and that statistically probably only a small number of men were. Still, on the subconscious level, she could not forget the way he had grabbed her arm violently—twice now—and even if she did still want him as he reminded her, he's with Lysandra now. Besides, it probably wouldn't be smart to be seen with him in public if she was going to be spy. She laughed as she started back toward her dormitory. A spy? What was he thinking? She wasn't going to be a spy; she was going to be a healer, neutral with Death Eater sympathies. That was the plan.

And yet here she was. Without even realizing it she'd stopped in front of the statue entrance to Dumbledore's office. She defiantly started walking away from it. She knew she'd go back in a few days, but for now she wanted to pretend that she had rejected the idea of getting involved in the war. She did not know why she was acting so childishly, but figured it was for the best anyway. If anyone had overheard her conversation with Sirius, the worst thing she could do was to be seen rushing to Dumbledore's office. _Oh good, now I'm starting to think like a spy,_ she thought sarcastically.

As she walked, she thought about the choice she'd made. Had she really just decided to become a spy? That's really dangerous work and she was not the type to stick out her neck for anyone. Was she considering it because it was the right thing to do or because Sirius had asked her to? Either way, it was stupid. Rumor had it that the Dark Lord was highly skilled in Legilimency. She'd have to be an idiot to try to spy against him. Actually if she could help it, she did not intend to ever meet the Dark Lord. Sirius was on the right track there. She would not be spying on You-Know-Who directly, just gathering information from Lucius. And maybe Bellatrix. From what Vivian had heard, both had already risen fairly high in the Death Eater ranks. _So yes, Vivian, you _did_ just decide to become a spy._ Somehow she felt happy and sick to her stomach at the same time. She turned the corner and ran straight into Severus.

"Narcissa tells me you've been talking to Sirius Black again."

"So?"

"So, why are you talking to him? Have you forgotten that he tried to kill me?"

"No, and apparently he hasn't either. He's always fishing to find out if I know anything."

"Narcissa said it wasn't about that."

Vivian chuckled. "That's why you should never lie, because Narcissa has a big mouth. It was only a lie of omission though. Incidentally, if you were going to tell someone what happened that night, would it be me?"

"If I thought it was wise to tell anyone, I would tell everyone. What did Sirius want to talk about?"

Vivian knew that her brother was a true believer in the Death Eater doctrine. She decided to be evasive. "Why should I tell you when you won't tell me what he did to you?"

"Sirius is dangerous, Vivian. I'm just looking out for you."

"I don't need you to look out for me. You should be looking out for yourself," she added under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Vivian tried to continue on her way, but Severus blocked her path. "No, I want to hear this. Why should I be looking after myself?"

She looked up at him. "That's kind of a stupid question considering you're the one who almost got killed. Allegedly."

"By Sirius! Or actually by-"

Vivian waited until it became clear that he was not going to finish the thought. "By who?"

"It doesn't matter. What did Sirius want?"

"Let's walk and talk, okay?"

"Okay." He took her hand and started to lead her away from the Slytherin dormitories. "But it's not going to make me forget. I want some answers."

She pulled her hand out of his, although not as aggressively as she had with Sirius. "Where are we going?"

"For a walk. Now, about Sirius…" Severus was used to Vivian evading subjects she didn't want to talk about, and he knew that the only way to get an answer was through persistence.

Vivian smiled to herself. She and Severus had been really close before they had started school. Over the years they had drifted apart, and now Severus often thought of Vivian as his greatest tormentor. She had always tried to protect him at home, and the first year when she went away to Hogwarts had been horrible. He had counted down the days until she'd be back, but that summer she'd been different. He did not understand until he started school the next year. She told him point blank that she was trying to distance herself from the family and did not want to be associated with him. She had then proceeded to ignore him for the remainder of the year. He tried to go to her with his problems, but she didn't care. The truth was that he wanted to run to his big sister after the episode with the werewolf, but after six years he knew she wouldn't do anything about it. He did not understand why she would try to shield him from their father, but not from the boys at school, like Sirius and James. That was why he considered her his greatest tormentor, because she had been his hero and then she had abandoned him.

While it was true that Vivian wanted to distance herself from the family, she'd also been trying to help Severus. If she kept coddling him, he'd never learn to stand up for himself. Actually, it was clear to her that he had never learned anyway. Severus had studied the Dark Arts for as long as she could remember. Underage wizarding laws prevented him from hexing their father, but with his knowledge, Severus should have been able to end James and Sirius's campaign against him. She did not understand why he allowed himself to be repeatedly victimized. She had grown up in the same house and had the same parents, and she had never been mistreated at school. It was all about attitude. She had tried to tell him that once, but it hadn't made any difference. She knew that he thought her distancing herself had something to do with her learning that she was adopted. She could see his resentment toward her intensify every year. However the sibling bond was impossible to break and at times like this it was almost like they were kids again, at that wonderful age when they'd never heard of adoptions and James Potter. Vivian was pleased to realize that there was still one person who knew her better than Sirius.

"Sirius was proposing on behalf of his brother."

"Yeah, I don't believe that."

"I know. It's crazy, but it's almost true."

"Huh. What would actually true sound like?"

Vivian looked at her brother's face. She just couldn't tell him. "It doesn't matter. You don't have anything to worry about. I'm not in any danger from Sirius."

Severus finally asked the real question that had been weighing on his mind. "Are you involved with him?"

"What? No! He's dating Lysandra, the Ravenclaw."

"Good! He can have his halfblood. You deserve better than a blood traitor." He missed her grimacing at the choice of words. He only looked over in time to see her cold smile. He thought she was smiling in agreement, but she was actually amused by the thought that she was about to become a blood traitor.

"You know, our bloodline is quite a bit muddier than you like to admit."

"Well, it's impossible to be as pure as the Malfoys or the Blacks. They just must have a lot of inbreeding. And that's nothing to be proud of."

"Oh sure you say that now, but I remember when Lucius was still a student here. You used to follow him like a puppy."

"I was twelve!"

"You still worship him, he just isn't here to see it anymore."

"Well, when you abandoned me-"

Vivian threw up her hands. "Okay, this conversation is officially over."

"Why? Because I called you out on the fact that you're a horrible sister and I had to find a new role model?"

Vivian thought about how many times Sirius had asked, "What just happened?" He did not realize that's how conversations go in the Snape family, from friendly to hostile in a matter of seconds.

"I guess if you have to have a new role model, Lucius Malfoy's a pretty good one. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"I won't hold my breath."

Vivian rolled her eyes and once again headed toward her dormitory.

-----

Sirius was fairly sure he'd gotten through to Vivian. His cheek still smarted where she had slapped him. He wanted to believe that she hadn't just done it for show. It seemed to him that she would not have slapped him so hard if she hadn't meant it, and for some reason it pleased him to know that he had gotten under her skin, that he was still able to make her lose her cool. Yes, he was with Lysandra now, and she was a nice girl, but he didn't really see it going anywhere with her. He'd thought that he had gotten over his little crush on Vivian, but he knew he hadn't the moment he suggested she marry Regulus. That was another reason he was glad she'd slapped him. It meant she was appalled by the idea too, and that maybe she cared about more than the Black name.

-----

When Vivian finally got to the Slytherin common room, she saw Narcissa at the table with her wedding planner book. Vivian turned around to leave but it was too late. Narcissa had seen her. "Vivian! Do you know who you're taking to the wedding yet? You have to have a date. How would it look if the maid of honor doesn't have a date?"

Vivian smiled sweetly. "The wedding isn't until over four months from now. I have time to get a date."

"I just really need to know if you are going to be a 'plus one' or if you're going with someone who was already invited. I was thinking it would be great if you were there with one of the groomsmen."

"So, what are my options there?"

"Evan Rosier."

"Oh, that won't work." Vivian shook her head vigorously. "I hate him," she said by way of explanation.

"Vivian, you hate everyone. This is my wedding though. It isn't about you. Anyway, why do you hate Evan? He's very attractive and you couldn't ask for purer blood."

Vivian didn't want to argue about it right then, and it would only be for one night. "Evan it is. Is he the best man, because that would be so cute?"

Her sarcasm was lost on Narcissa. "No, Rodolphus is. And, of course he's married, so that wouldn't work."

"But doesn't Bellatrix realize that this is your wedding?"

"Okay, now you're just being sarcastic. My wedding is in less than five months! I am trying to make up a guest list and you can't do anything but make jokes."

"Are you inviting Severus?"

Narcissa scrunched up her nose more than usual. "Ew. Is that another joke?"

"No. You're inviting Rosier and Wilkes and Avery aren't you? Why would you invite the whole group except Severus?"

"Vivian, I know he's your brother, but Severus is a loser and I'm not sure I want him at my wedding. I mean, it's _m_y wedding."

Vivian sighed. "Listen. He really looks up to Lucius. It would mean a lot to him if he was invited."

"I'll talk to Lucius about it. I'm not making any promises though."

"I understand. Actually, I have to go."

"Where? Because I really want to talk to you about the color scheme."

"No, I definitely have to go. I have to talk to a professor."

"Okay, but as soon as you get back-"

Vivian plastered a smile on her face. "As soon as I get back."

Vivian had no need to talk to any professors; in fact she specifically wanted to avoid a couple. So, she headed back to the second floor entrance to Dumbledore's office. As she said "Sugarquill," she briefly wondered how Sirius knew the password. However she was shook out of her thoughts by the gargoyle, which moved out of the way rather suddenly. Vivian peeked into the wall. Even though she knew that students were not allowed to just drop in on the headmaster unexpectedly, she had not thought about that until this moment. Inside she saw a moving spiral staircase. She took a deep breath and entered the passageway completely. As she rode the staircase up, she thought about how much trouble she could get in. She was fairly certain she would not get expelled for this and with barely two months left at this school, that was really her only concern. Anyway, what she had to tell Dumbledore was rather important. By the time she reached the top, she had decided to say that she hadn't made an appointment because she thought it was best to meet with him through unofficial channels. That sounded plausible and he seemed like a reasonable man. Of course, she'd never actually talked to him before. Yeah, this was going to be awkward. She used the griffin-shaped knocker. To her surprise the door opened on its own without waiting for an answer. She saw Dumbledore sitting at his desk. He looked up, but did not say a word. "Oh, hello Professor. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. Sirius Black told me— I need to talk to you about something."

Dumbledore smiled. "Come in, Miss Snape. Have a seat." She did. "Most students make an appointment before coming to see me."

"Okay, I was going to, but then I thought— Wait, it makes more sense if you know why I'm here."

"I think I know why you're here. Sirius Black told me he was going to speak to you."

"Oh, good. So you know that he thinks I should… become a spy."

"Yes, and I-"

"Well, I'm not really saying yes yet." Vivian winced when she realized that she had just cut off the headmaster. "I mean, I think I'm willing, but there's a lot of things to think about. This isn't the kind of decision you just make without any… I know that they're wrong, but I don't know if I'm quite ready to do anything about it yet."

"That's why I thought it would be best for us to talk."

"Oh, so it was your idea? Then I'm not really popping up uninvited."

"Sirius tells me that you have some doubts about the Death Eater way of thinking."

"It's just prejudice. And they don't have any facts to back it up. I grew up believing in the pureblood propaganda and I still can't see why people are buying into it."

"Right. Sirius said something very similar to that in regard to you a few days ago. He thinks that as you are friends with so many of Voldemort's--"

Vivian gasped. No one ever said the Dark Lord's name out loud anymore.

"--supporters and haven't made your feelings clear you would be able to obtain access to sensitive information. But in order to become a spy, you have to willing to put your life on the line. Lord Voldemort is a highly skilled Legilimens. Are you willing to face death to save people you barely know and don't really like?"

"I was thinking of not becoming a Death Eater. I could pretend I was staying out of the war." She paused for a second. "Evan Rosier is my date to Narcissa Black and Lucius Malfoy's wedding. Bellatrix Lestrange adores me. Maybe I could just play on those connections and gather information."

"You life would still be in danger. If you were discovered, none of those people would hesitate to turn you over to their Lord. Bellatrix in particular is…" He seemed to be searching for the right word.

"Psychotic, I know."

Dumbledore smiled. "Yes. Another important matter is how well you'd be able to lie, to sit with them and discuss how commendable Lord Voldemort's work is. To explain quickly and plausibly why you're in Lucius's study without raising any red flags. Pretend I'm one of them." His tone and demeanor changed from friendly to haughty. "Tell me, Vivian if you believe in the Dark Lord's cause, why won't you join our ranks?"

Vivian squirmed a little in her chair. She hadn't expected to be put on the spot so soon. She started slowly, but as she spoke she became more confident. "Okay, I hope you won't look down on me for this, but while I think it's great that he's purging our world of the Mudbloods, I don't know if I'm comfortable with the killing."

"It's a war, Vivian. People die in wars." It was disturbing to see Dumbledore's eyes look so cold.

"I know, but I'm a healer. I don't think that I could kill people. I'm just not cut out for fighting. Of course, Professor, I understand that it'll be harder in a real life situation, but I have to try. Now that I've just reminded myself that I want to be a healer, I can't just sit back and do nothing. I have to try to save people's lives." She hesitated, scared to say the words out loud. "I think I've made my decision."

"I'm glad to hear that. There's just one more issue we need to cover. How can I be sure that I can trust you? You seem equally comfortable on both sides of the issue."

"That's quite a catch-22. I'm a fast liar, so how can you know what I really believe in? I have to be comfortable with their propaganda to be able to do the job, but am I too comfortable with it? Er, I'm not one of them. Sirius is willing to vouch for me."

"I know, but young Mr. Black may be somewhat less immune to your charms."

Vivian's eyes grew wide. "Oh. It's really not like that. Sirius and I are barely even friends. What could I possibly do to make you trust me?"

"Just talk to me for a while, Vivian."

They talked for over an hour about Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort. About how she didn't really consider Narcissa and Lucius her friends. She told him how it broke her heart that her little brother looked up more to Lucius than to her, although she knew that was partly her own fault. By the end, they had decided that Vivian would report any information she obtained to Benjy Fenwick, who was a healer at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, where Vivian would be training, and, according to Dumbledore, a "trusted friend."

-----

When she left the office, Vivian found Sirius waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. "We need to talk."

"Again? I don't really have time. I promised Narcissa I'd help her decide on a-- Yeah, we can talk now. What's up?"

Sirius shook his head. "Not here."

"Oh, Sirius, I just officially became a spy, so I really can't be seen in public with you anymore."

"I know. That's why I brought the invisibility cloak."

"Ah." She now saw the cloak, which had been pooled at Sirius's feet. He pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket. "What's that?"

"Um, it's a map. I'm trying to figure out where we can go." Vivian tried to see the map but Sirius folded it up quickly. "I know a good place." He picked up the cloak and draped over himself and Vivian.

On the way up to the fifth floor Sirius periodically consulted his map, all the while doing his best to keep it hidden from Vivian. She did manage to get one good look and saw a dot labeled "Filch." She wanted to ask what it meant but assumed he would not give her a straight answer.

Finally they arrived at a deserted room. The doorway was hidden, but Sirius knew exactly how to open it. She wondered how long it had taken him to discover the right combination and how he had even known there was a doorway there. No longer wearing the invisibility cloak, she stuck her head inside. The room was small and dark. She whispered "Lumos" in order to get a better look.

Without warning, Sirius shoved her inside the room and closed the door.

"What the-" Vivian tried to speak but Sirius covered her mouth with his hand. She found herself pinned against the door.

"There's someone coming." He whispered into her ear.

No doubt about it, she still wanted him. Uncomfortable with that knowledge, she pulled his hand off her mouth and quietly cast an Imperturbable Charm on the door.

"Wow. You're really good with that charm."

"Thank you. So what's this all about?"

"I figured it out."

"You figured what out?" Vivian examined the brickwork of the wall, pretending to be disinterested.

"Your secret. What happened to your mother?"

She felt her body tighten, and she was glad that she wasn't facing him. She tried to keep her tone light. "Nothing, why?"

"Because she thought she was in love and look what happened to her. She's the one you don't want to end up like, isn't she? What happened?"

"Well, it's like you said. We're poor. It's horrible."

Sirius got between her and the wall. "No, you specifically said that's not what you meant."

Vivian sighed and took a step back. "My dad's a drunk, okay?"

"Oh." Suddenly Sirius really had figured it out. "Abusive?"

The question startled Vivian. "Why would you think that?"

"You don't like it when I touch you."

She smirked. "That's very arrogant. So, a girl would have to be from an abusive home not to want you to touch her?"

"That's why you don't let anyone in. You don't want to get hurt. Is that why you stopped talking to me? I wouldn't have hurt you."

Vivian chuckled incredulously. "You almost killed my brother. That would have hurt me. That would have devastated me. It basically would have been the worst thing that anyone could have done to me."

"But I didn't kill him."

Vivian waved her hand. "Oh, that's a technicality."

"You don't even know what happened."

"So tell me."

"No. I thought you weren't even that close to Severus."

"He's still my brother."

"But killing him would be the worst thing anyone could possibly do to you? Worse than personal violence against you?"

"I wasn't really thinking when I said that."

"Maybe even though you've grown apart, you still forged a very strong bond growing up in an abusive home. He's your baby brother. Maybe seeing him get hurt affects you so much because you always tried to protect him."

Vivian had hoped that if she provoked a fight, he'd forget the abusive home theory, but no such luck. "Then why don't I protect him now? Why didn't he come running to me when you almost killed him?"

"I think he did. He just didn't tell you any details. Also, I notice you haven't denied it."

Vivian realized he was right. She closed her eyes briefly. "No, I'm trying to poke the actual theory full of holes. Because nothing you're saying makes any sense. How would you feel if your brother was killed by some arrogant jackass? I know you two aren't close, but just stop and think about it. It still hurts, doesn't it?"

"I know I'm right about this."

"You're not. You're wrong about all of it." Vivian was starting to get frustrated. She wished he would just let it go. "My dad is a jerk and a drunk, and my mum was in love with him, still is probably. That's why I don't have a lot of faith in love. But he wasn't abusive. I don't like it when you touch me, but that doesn't mean that my father hit me. My mum wasn't even who I was talking about."

"Why did it take you so long to come up with that?"

"Come up with what?"

"With what you just said. You could have told me that it wasn't her when I first said it. Instead you're response was that your father was a drunk."

"I was explaining the other statement, what happened to my mother to make me not believe in love."

"Look, I understand what it's like to have a difficult family. My parents are-"

"Are you serious? No pun intended, but honestly! I'm a Slytherin; we invented mind games."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You want me to start ranting about how a poor little rich boy like you couldn't possibly understand what it's like to have a difficult family. And while I do believe that it's a bit presumptuous of you to compare your situation to an abusive home, I do not come from an abusive home."

"I don't believe you."

Vivian scoffed. "You can believe whatever you want, but it's the truth."

"It'll come in handy that you're such a good liar."

"What do you want from me, Sirius?" When he didn't respond, she continued. "You want a clean answer to all your questions, so that you can tell yourself that you've solved the mystery of Vivian Snape and move on. And you've found that an abusive father explains everything, so now you won't let that go. You don't even care that it's not the truth."

"So, prove me wrong. Tell me the truth right now."

"Tell me what you did to Severus."

"I set him up to be attacked by a werewolf," Sirius replied without hesitation.

Vivian was shocked into silence for several seconds. "O-okay. It turns out I didn't actually want to know."

"Your turn to confess."

"How do I know that you're telling the truth?" She turned toward the door. "I think I need to hear Severus's side first."

Sirius blocked the exit. "I just told you something I swore I would never tell anyone. You're not leaving here until you tell me the truth."

"Are you threatening me?"

He leaned back against the door and folded his arms across his chest. "Why does it matter? It's not like you come from an abusive home."

Vivian sighed. "Okay, sometimes, when my dad was really drunk, he could be… unpredictable, but he hardly ever--" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Fine! He hit us sometimes. Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now?"

"No. I just wanted--"

"And this might come in handy for you; people from non-abusive homes don't like to be threatened either."

"No, I was—"

"After everything that Severus has been through, you set him up to be attacked by a werewolf! What kind of a sick person are you?"

"I wasn't--"

"Oh, and I love how you said you'd never hurt me. You're obviously some kind of psychopath."

"I'm not a psycho--"

"This is why I didn't want to talk to you anymore." Vivian had started pacing, and getting worked up again. "I saw the warning signs. And even though it was statistically improbable, I knew… I knew it was wrong to talk to you."

"Would you please let me defend myself?" he exclaimed.

She stopped pacing and walked up to him. As he was about fifteen centimeters taller than she was, Vivian felt ludicrously short next to him, but did not let that get in the way of her fury. "Don't you dare! Don't you dare yell at me. There is no defense for what you did."

"You won't even listen. You want me to be the bad guy. I don't know why, but you need me to be that guy."

"Oh, no. I did not do this. It was all you. Don't try to pretend that I'm overreacting. There is no explan- How do you even know a werewolf?" She started to back away from him. "Oh, Merlin!"

"What?" He rolled his eyes, realizing what she meant. "I'm not a werewolf."

"Oh."

"Are you… disappointed?"

Vivian said "No," but her tone said yes.

"See. That wasn't all me. You want to believe that I'm a monster."

"I just thought that if you were a werewolf, maybe that would be a defense."

"How so?"

"I don't know. You were transformed, blood hungry, and you lured Severus. Of course, then it would have been even more ridiculous when you said you wouldn't hurt me."

"Oh, look at that. You're not hysterical anymore. Maybe now we can have a rational conversation." Sirius was still leaning against the door, looking so cool. Vivian hated that.

"Are you going to hold me here until I hear you out?" Sirius nodded. "What just happened here? How did I end up kidnapped?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're not— You know what? I'm not going to give you an answer to that, because you never gave me one when I wanted to know what happened after you started freaking out."

"Fine. This should be entertaining." Vivian sat cross-legged on the floor. "What is your defense?"

"Severus was being annoying and following us around, trying to get us into trouble."

"Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. It was perfectly justified. Can I go now?"

"No. It's more complicated than it sounds, but I don't know how to explain without— "

"It's Remus, right?

"What's Remus?"

Vivian snorted. "The werewolf. It's obvious; he always looks ill and leaves to visit sickly family members. You were trying to protect Remus and Severus wouldn't leave you alone. So in a moment of frustration, you told him he could find out what you all were doing if he just went over there." She waved her arm vaguely to the left.

"I don't know what to do with that because it's clearly an excuse you'd accept, but Remus isn't a werewolf. So…"

"I already told you; the moment I stopped to think how you would know a werewolf, it was obvious. And that's why all the secrecy. It's not to protect you and James; it's for Remus. Dumbledore knows about him."

"You're wrong."

Sirius was starting to look uncomfortable. Vivian tried to fight the urge to look smug, but she was unsuccessful. "You sound like me circa five minutes ago, and I was lying."

"The werewolf is just some guy. I was annoyed and I wanted to get rid of Severus."

"What is that like?"

"What?"

"Caring about your friend that much, enough to paint yourself as a sociopath."

Sirius smiled. "Sociopath? Isn't that one step up from psycho? Your opinion of me is improving."

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about Remus."

"Thanks, but there's nothing to tell."

Vivian burst out laughing. His blasé attitude was starting to return, and she couldn't have that. "That's what I sounded like. You knew you were right. All the pieces fell into place. But I kept insisting you were wrong."

Sirius scratched the back of his neck. "Just because it sounds similar, doesn't mean it's the same thing."

"Okay, but let's just say hypothetically: _If_ Remus were a werewolf, would you lie to protect him?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"No. I just meant… would you do anything to protect your friends?"

"Yeah, they're like my family."

"I don't have friends like that."

"You never wanted friends like that. You purposefully latched onto Narcissa's bitchy boat to keep anyone from getting close to you."

"You know, I was starting to think of this as if we were locked in this room with nothing to do but have a deep, revealing conversation. But that's really only true for me. You can let us out of here anytime you want."

"So… you've officially defected over to our side?"

"No. I mean, yes, but you're not going to distract me. I told you my secret and I heard your side of the story. When are you going to let me go?"

"What part of kidnapped don't you understand?"

"Don't you have a girlfriend? What would Lysandra say?"

"It's not going to work out with Lysandra."

Vivian started. "Are you— Are you just saying that so that I'll shag you?"

"What? No!"

"Oh, it just all felt very contrived for a second there. 'Oh, my girlfriend doesn't understand me,' you know?"

"I meant don't bother threatening to tell her, because I don't care if she breaks up with me. It's not going to work out anyway. Would you have shagged me?"

Vivian didn't like the way his eyes twinkled when he said that, and she especially didn't like the first answer that popped into her head. "No. You're holding me here against my will."

"I am saving you from having to help Narcissa with… whatever it was she wanted help with."

Vivian shuddered. "I forgot about Narcissa. I cannot believe I let her talk me into—" She cut herself off.

"What? What did she talk you into?"

"Never mind."

"Okay, well, plus you have a wand, so it's not like you're completely helpless here."

"Yeah, I thought of that. But then I remembered that you're in training to become an auror, so I decided you probably have the upper hand."

"So… are you still angry about the werewolf thing?"

"Um,… Not as angry."

"Is that because you think it's Remus?"

Vivian leaned forward. "Look I know you're scared. I figured it out and it's entirely your fault. You didn't even have to say anything about a werewolf, but you wanted to prove that you were right about my dad, so much so that you let it slip. But I'm really not going to say anything about this to anyone."

"Why would you do that for me?"

"For Remus." Vivian wanted that much to be clear.

"You don't even know Remus."

"And thus I have no reason to want to destroy his life."

"So the fact that he's a wer- allegedly a werewolf isn't reason enough?"

"No, it's not. I'm not heartless, Sirius. You seem unable to make up your mind about whether I am or not, but I'm going to come right out and insist that I'm not. I don't want to hurt Remus. I would prefer if you kept him away from me at certain times of the month. Please don't point me or any members of my family in his direction during a full moon."

"So you are still upset that I tried to kill your brother?"

Vivian looked down at the floor. "He's going to become a Death Eater any day now. I wouldn't be able to protect him anymore, even if I wanted to. But, yes, I am still angry at you."

"Why wouldn't you want to protect him?"

"I'm not going to talk to you about this."

"Are you sure? This might be your last chance to bare your soul."

"Do you want to know what I'm angry about? It's not that one incident where he almost died, Sirius. It's all of it. It's everything you've done to torture Severus for the last six years. You want to talk? Let's talk about the time at the lake after your OWLs."

"When we- You weren't even there."

"Word got around. What was that about? Was he actively trying to get you in trouble then? Because the way I heard it, James attacked him for no reason."

"That was James-"

"You, James. You're interchangeable at this point. Besides, you got a few spells in by the end."

"And I'm sure we had a reason. I just can't quite remember it. He called Evans a… 'Mudblood.'"

"After you—and by you, I mean both of you—had already hung him upside down."

"That doesn't make it okay."

"Going on the offensive won't make me forget what we're talking about. You seem to be a little sadistic. That's why I didn't want to talk to you anymore. We were getting a little too friendly. I don't need friends like that."

"It's not sadism. It's just the way- Over the years we've developed a loathe/loathe relationship. Maybe we didn't have a specific reason after the Defense OWL, but that is generally how we interact with your brother. He's done horrible stuff to us too. "

"Really?" Vivian was almost proud. "You mean other than try to get you expelled?"

"Yeah, jinxes and hexes."

She eyed him warily. "How come I've never heard about this before? All I ever hear about is the things you did."

"I don't know. Maybe Severus likes to play the victim."

"He is the vic—" She cut herself off.

"I rest my case. So because of a couple isolated incidents, you were afraid I was going to start beating you up?"

"I didn't say that."

"Not in so many words. You told me it wasn't about… that. I've lost count of how many times you've said 'it's not about that,' and then it turns out it kind of was. But specifically, you said that you weren't freaking out because of the way I treat Severus."

"Right. It was because of the personality traits that lead you to act that way. Do you see the difference? And by the way, it is really annoying that you remember every word I say."

Sirius smirked. "I imagine it would be when you try to constantly contradict yourself."

"I don't think I have once contradicted myself. I have omitted certain things, and later had to fill in the blanks. You just read too much into what I say."

"You have contradicted yourself. You said-"

Vivian pulled out her wand. "If you finish that sentence, I swear I will hex you. Damn the consequences."

"Fine. That's not where I wanted to conversation to go anyway. I just want you to admit that you were—" Sirius stopped to think about what exactly he wanted her to admit. "That you were interested in me but broke it off because you were afraid of getting involved in an abusive relationship. That's what happened, isn't it?"

"Can you see how inappropriate this is? You've trapped me in here, and now you're trying to convince me that I wanted a relationship with you."

"Can you see that you never answer questions directly?"

"Never say never. I have answered several of your-"

"You're doing it again."

Vivian had not even realized it. She sighed. "What was the question?"

"Were you interested in me?"

"I think I've already answered that question."

Sirius started to laugh. "That's not-"

"Sorry, you're right. A straight answer. Yes. There, that was a straight answer. And- I just contradicted myself. I feel like you tricked me."

"See, I knew it. I'm not abusive in my relationships."

"Okay, excuse me if I don't take your word on that. And, look, it wasn't even that bad. He just slapped us around a bit."

"Yeah, for some reason I don't believe you."

"Can I go now? I have things to do. I have NEWTs to study for."

"Yeah." Sirius moved away from the door. "You could've left whenever you wanted."

"What part of kidnapped don't you understand?"

Sirius smiled. "Oh, come on. I didn't really kidnap you; I'm not a psychopath."

Vivian laughed lightly. Then she threw her arms in the air. "Help me up."

Sirius took her hand and pulled her to her feet. "Wow, you didn't flinch when we made contact. You're showing real progress."

Vivian ignored him and reversed the charm on the door. She then put her ear to it. "I don't hear anyone," she whispered, but when she turned around, Sirius was looking at his map again.

He folded up the map, tapped it with his wand, and said, "Mischief managed." Then he glanced up at Vivian. "There's no one coming. You go first and I'll follow under the cloak."

"What's with the map?"

"I've already told you enough secrets for one day. Remus, James and Peter are already going to kill me. I'm not telling you anymore of the Marauders' secrets."

Vivian tried not to laugh. "The Marauders? You call yourselves the Marauders?"

"Yeah, but that's not really a secret. Just go before I say anything else."

Vivian smiled and started to walk out the door. Suddenly she stopped. "Wait, was I right?"

Sirius closed the door. "About what?"

"Before I say I'm less angry about the werewolf thing, was I right about why you did it?"

"What did you say?"

"That you were trying to protect Remus and Severus wouldn't leave you alone, so in a moment of frustration and bad judgment you sent him over to where the werewolf was."

"Yeah, that about covers it. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, I know that it was wrong, not just for Severus, but for Remus. I basically exploited him because I was having a bad day. There's really no defense for it, and I can't believe Remus is still willing to talk to me. Of course, it took months for him to finally forgive me."

Vivian still was not willing to forgive Sirius for all the things he had done to her brother, but looking at him now, any residual anger she felt toward him dissipated. She had never seen Sirius look so sad. It was strangely satisfying to see this vulnerable side of him. Vivian pushed it out of her mind and asked, "Are you still upset at me about the Mrs. Black comment?"

"Who said I was upset about that?"

"Oh. I don't know. I just thought the way you threw it back in my face this afternoon…"

"Did you mean it?"

"Um… no. That thought had really never crossed my mind."

"Then why did you say it?"

"To get rid of you. That stuff you said about… that. Is that really what you think of me?"

Sirius gave her an odd look. "That's what you told me to think."

She realized he was right and wondered why it even mattered to her. She took a deep breath. "This has to be the end for us. Please, for both of our sakes, don't ever talk to me again. This—" she gestured between herself and Sirius, "—never happened." With that, Vivian threw the door open and exited into the hall.

-----

Sirius slowly climbed the stairs to the sixth-year boys dormitory. Remus had finally completely forgiven his mistake, and now Sirius had to tell Remus that the secret had spread to one more person. When he got to the room, only Remus was there.

"I have really bad news. I talked to… Vivian, and she… She knows, Remus."

Remus looked surprisingly and scarily calm. "Why after all this time?"

"I think it's my fault. She knew there was a werewolf, but Snape – Snivellus – never mentioned any names. She asked how I knew a werewolf, and-"

"And you told her?"

"No! From there she figured it out. Because of all your weakly explained absences and how sickly you look sometimes. I denied it, but she wouldn't believe me. She said it was obvious. I'm so sorry."

"That's just bloody fantastic."

"Wait, but she said she wouldn't tell. That she had no reason to want to hurt you. I believe her, mate."

"She's a Slytherin and a Snape. Why would you believe her?"

"Look, I've talked to her a few times. She's not hateful; she's more apathetic. And she doesn't blame you for what almost happened. So, while she'll probably avoid you from now on, she's not going to say anything."

"Are you willing to stake our friendship on it?"

"What alternative do I have? Do you want me to kill her to make sure she takes your secret to the grave?"

"Would you?"

Sirius hesitated. "I honestly don't know. I think I could kill to protect you, but I don't think this situation warrants it. I also don't think you really meant that."

"I didn't. You know, sometimes people say things without meaning to."

Sirius shook his head. "Not Vivian. She's very calculating, and she rarely says an unplanned word, especially to people who matter."

"Okay. Since, after all of three conversations, you're our resident Vivian expert, I'll have to trust your opinion of her."

-----

"Do you have any idea how long you were gone?"

Vivian could not believe that Narcissa was still sitting at the table in the common room, waiting for her. She sat down next to her friend. "Okay, let's talk colors."

"Where were you?"

"I had to talk to a professor and then I had a couple errands to run."

"Did they have anything to do with what Sirius wanted to talk to you about?"

"No, not really." Vivian made a move to look at the book, but Narcissa pushed to the side.

"So what did Sirius want to talk to you about?"

"It's really stupid. I don't want to tell you." Narcissa eyed her suspiciously. Vivian knew she had to explain, but she had no idea what to say. The key to a good lie was to stay as close to the truth as possible, she told herself. "When we talked about Severus all those months ago, I mentioned that I wasn't that close to him. Sirius thought that maybe I'd said that because I was pulling away from my family and wanted to reject their pureblood ideology like he had with his family. Which is definitely not what I meant. I said that because Severus is a loser, not because he's a future Death Eater."

"But you're not rejecting your pureblood heritage, right?"

"No! Sirius just wants to validate his own betrayal by convincing other people to become blood traitors too."

"So you're not thinking of switching sides?"

Vivian tried to convey horrified righteous indignation. From Narcissa's look, she assumed that she'd been fairly successful. "I can't believe you just asked me that. Have I given you any reason to think that I'm a Mudblood sympathizer?"

"No, but-"

"But what? Do you need to hear me say it? I'm not a Mudblood sympathizer. I'm a pureblood and I am looking forward to day when that will mean something again. But why should I have to defend myself? Your family history is just as questionable with all the blood traitors popping up in the Black family. Where are your declarations of loyalty?"

Narcissa scoffed. "I don't think anyone has any doubts as to my loyalty."

"I don't think Sirius's misinterpretation should count as a real assessment of my loyalty. Anyway, I told you it was stupid. I shouldn't have even said anything. Let's just get back to the color schemes."


	3. July 1978

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's Note: **Just a quick notice: This chapter takes place a year after the last. I don't know how closely you pay attention to the years, but this is the last time I'll skip ahead so far until after October 1981. Thank you, Sylvia, the awesome beta.

**

* * *

Chapter 3 **

_**July 1978**_

Vivian looked down at her leg. She was sitting next to Lucius Malfoy on his couch, and he had his hand on her thigh. It had started out on her knee, but as he talked he patted her leg for emphasis, and every time his hand landed a little further up her thigh. Now, rather than listening to Lucius, she was trying to figure out how to gently rebuff his advances without offending him. She knew it was her fault. For years she'd been jealous of how beautiful everyone thought Narcissa was. Hadn't she wished, on several occasions, that someone would pay attention to her rather than Narcissa? Well, now she had all of Narissa's husband's attention and all the unwanted lust she could stand. This was life's way of telling her to be careful what she wished for. That knowledge was useless now.

"--but Avery said that he wanted to handle the-- are you listening?"

Vivian's head snapped up. "Yeah. Avery."

"Y'know, Narcissa doesn't like to hear the gory details, and Bellatrix--" he laughed. "Bellatrix always interrupts to tell her own stories. But you are such a good listener. I'm so glad to have someone I can talk to."

Vivian fought the urge to gag. "Well, your stories are always so much more interesting than Evan's. He doesn't like to get into the details. He says if I want to know more, I can become a Death Eater myself."

"Oh, I don't agree. There are so many ways to help the Dark Lord. I don't think combat is any place for a woman."

Vivian smiled. _How conveniently sexist. _Actually, Vivian knew that Lucius's disapproval of female Death Eaters had been born out of his constant competition with Bellatrix.

"It's odd that you're dating Rosier. Narcissa seems to be under the impression that you use to hate him."

"He's grown on me. Besides I used to hate everyone."

"So, why aren't you two having sex?" On "why" his hand fell even higher up on her thigh.

"Oh, he told you about that?" She wondered if Evan had done anything to make Lucius want to hurt him. It would certainly explain why he was coming on so strong.

"Well, you have been together for over five months. He's a little concerned."

"I don't think he respects me. I'm… still a virgin and I just can't… be with him, anyone, unless I know that he interested in more than sex."

At first, Lucius seemed to take the hint, because he removed his hand from her leg. However, much to Vivian's horror, it was only so that he could place both hands on her shoulders. "Vivian, I don't think that Evan respects you either. I think that-"

"Lucius, please don't do this."

He looked taken aback. "Don't do what?"

"Don't… get involved in my relationship with Evan. I'm going to end it. It'll be better for you if you're not--" Vivian stopped. She saw a sickening smile on Lucius's face and realized too late that that was the wrong thing to say. She had accidentally encouraged Lucius. Also, she really did not want to break up with Evan. She intended to use him for as long as she could get away with maintaining a celibate relationship. Of course, Lucius did give her better information, but she knew if they progressed past friendship, he'd want sex fairly quickly. She just had not reached that level of dedication to the Order.

She cleared her throat "What I mean is--" _People are giving their lives for the cause, and I can't have sex with Lucius Malfoy? How much of a sacrifice is that really? A year and a half ago I would have been eager to bed a Malfoy. He's actually a very attractive man. And a cold-blooded killer. And married to my best friend. And my primary source of information._

"Yes?" Lucius sat there; he seemed eager for something, some sign from her that he should continue. Where was all his intensity coming from? What could Evan have possibly done to him? Maybe it wasn't about that, but if not, then--

Thoughts were racing through Vivian's head. She was not sure what to do, but she had to decide quickly. "You're his friend. I don't want Evan to blame you for the break up." She took a deep breath and tried to steady her voice. "Do you respect me, Lucius?"

"Of course I do."

"It's too bad you're married. I wish there were more men like you." Vivian felt lightheaded. She wondered how it would look if she fainted. Lucius was staring hungrily at her lips. She pretended not to notice and absently ran her tongue over them. Evan had once told her that she had luscious, kissable lips. Of course Evan said a lot of things in attempts at seduction. She laughed at the memory. "Please forget that I said that. It was so inappropriate." She looked down, as if ashamed.

"No, not at all."

She raised her head, a hint of a smile playing at her lips. "You don't think it was at all inappropriate for me to tell my best friend's husband that I want… him. I didn't say it like that before, did I?" She stood. "I'm going to go before I make an even bigger fool of myself."

Lucius took her hand and pulled her back down onto the couch. "I don't think you're making a fool out of yourself."

Vivian braced herself as he leaned in closer. She probably would have enjoyed the kiss a lot more if she could have forgotten the murders he had been recounting minutes before. She allowed the kiss to continue for almost a minute before pulling away. She'd had to end it because visions of bloody corpses were filling her mind and the bile was rising in her throat. "What about Narcissa?"

"What about her?"

"What if she comes home?"

"She won't be home for over an hour."

"You don't know that. She could come home any minute. We can't do this here in her living room."

"Do you want to move this upstairs?"

"I don't think we should do this in her house at all. Let me break it off with Evan first, and then we can… do this at my flat."

Lucius looked slightly disgusted at this idea. "Your flat? Isn't it kind of small?"

"Uh, it works for me. I only need the one bedroom."

It appeared that Lucius, like Narcissa, would prefer not to be reminded of Vivian's financial situation. "What if you have company?"

"I don't think I know anyone who couldn't apparate or use the floo network to get home. But I supposed if I did have overnight guests," She knew how Lucius would react and tried not to laugh. "they would have to sleep on the couch."

He was openly appalled by this idea. "Sleep on the couch? That's… inhumane."

"Oh, well, I could transfigure it into a bed. Is that more humane?"

"But still, to make them sleep in the living room…"

"Lucius, in other socioeconomic classes, one bedroom flats are actually quite commonplace."

"Emphasis on common," Lucius muttered.

"That's right. I am a mere commoner. There's no noble blood flowing through my veins. It's pure thankfully, but not on par with the blood of 'the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.' If you have a problem with that, then-"

"I don't want to fight. I don't mind that you're in the lower class."

She wondered if he was trying to make her feel like a whore. "Oh, Lucius, I don't want to fight either. Just let me get rid of Rosier and we can… move forward with this."

Lucius nodded. "Okay. We'll talk again when Rosier's out of the picture."

----

Back in her flat, Vivian sat in an armchair with her head in her hands. The moment she had realized how useless Evan really was to her and how forthcoming Lucius had been, she had known what had to be done. That did not make it any easier to accept. This was just like when she had decided to become a spy. How much consideration did she give that, five minutes? She had never thought of herself as reckless, but this was the second major decision she had made impulsively. What if it was a mistake? What Lucius did just want to steal Evan's girlfriend and he got bored with her after a week? Then she'd find another Death Eater. She was going to have to spend the rest of the Dark Lord's reign going from Death Eater to Death Eater, gathering all the information she could. This was not how her life was supposed to turn out, but she knew she had made the right choices. She did not blame herself for the mess her life had become; she did not even blame Sirius for talking her into taking this road. She blamed the Dark Lord. As long as he was spreading his poison and validating prejudices, her life could not be happy. Vivian suddenly felt so much older than her nineteen years. She sat and waited for Evan to arrive.

-----

That same afternoon was the Potter-Evans wedding. In their seventh year, Lily had realized that James's swelled ego had gone down quite a bit, and, much to everyone's surprise she finally accepted one of James's numerous requests for a date. The whirlwind romance that follow seemed so natural that no one questioned it when they decided to get married after only nine months together. The ceremony was beautiful, but it was the reception that people would remember for years to come. It was the happiest, most lively celebration those in attendance had ever been to. Sirius, Peter, and Remus had made sure of it. Sirius, the best man, had said in his toast that they weren't losing a friend, they were gaining an honorary marauder and that this was her induction to their ranks.

The next day, without his friends' knowledge, Peter became a Death Eater and a spy for Lord Voldemort.

-----

Vivian had not even been involved with Lucius for two weeks when Narcissa stopped by her flat unexpectedly. Without preamble, she said, "I know you're shagging my husband" and pushed her way past Vivian and into the flat.

She watched Narcissa drape herself comfortably on the couch with an elegance Vivian knew she could never manage. "Does that bother you?"

"Come on, Vivian, you know why we got married. Why would it bother me? Better you than me. I knew he'd find himself a whore sooner or later. You know that's all you are to him, right? He doesn't actually want you t-"

Something about the way Narcissa had barged into her home and started insulting her caused Vivian to snap. She knew Narcissa was right, in a way, but Vivian had so much pent up frustration and she could not hold it in anymore. "I think you're confused, Narcissa. He doesn't want _you_. We both know why you two got married. It's not even a year later and he's screwing around on you. You're just a trophy wife, and a broodmare. He-"

"You of all people should know not to underestimate me. I am much more than a trophy wife."

"Not to Lucius. He chose you because of your family. He chose me because of… If all I have to offer him is a good time in bed, I'm not ashamed of that."

"That's all very well, as long as you don't have any delusions about the situation. You are just trash. Just another whore. You're not the first; you won't be the last. He's not going to leave me for you. He'll eventually get bored with you and move on. You'll never get your hands on his, _our_ money. What you have with Lucius is just sex."

"I'm aware of that. I'm not trying to steal your husband or your money."

"Then what are you angling for?"

"Why do I have to have an angle?"

"I've had sex with Lucius. You must have an ulterior motive."

Vivian burst out laughing. She didn't think of Lucius as particularly bad in bed, but it was not as if she had any point of reference. Still, whether he was or not, she found Narcissa's statement to be hilarious. _What can my ulterior motive be? _Vivian hoped her laughter was not becoming shill as she tried desperately to think of something. "You're right. Power."

"Power? You're in training to become a glorified pharm-"

"There are more than careers at stake now. In case you haven't noticed there's a war going on out there, and Lucius has become one of the Dark Lord's favorites. If I'm his mistress, that gives me power by association and I don't have to get my hands dirty." Suddenly Sirius's words came back to her. "I'm a smart girl. I could go far. But I need to be allied with the rich and powerful. I'm sorry, Narcissa, but you became a stepping stone to Lucius."

"That's fine. We can share his power. As long as you're not after anything more tangible, we won't have a problem."

"Trust me, I'm not. But you do realize that for me to obtain power by association, people will have to know about the affair."

Narcissa looked wistful. "I've always wanted to play the role of the martyr. The poor, but brave wife, standing by her husband despite his betrayal. The whispers about you won't be nearly as kind."

"Then we both win. You know, even though I'm sleeping with your husband and you called me a whore, you're still my best friend. Isn't that pathetic?"

"Well, like you always said, best friend doesn't mean good friend."

Vivian smiled. "Please get out of my home now."

Narcissa returned the smile as she looked haughtily around the small flat. "Gladly. Good luck on finding new friends. And if you do, here's a tip: they won't like it if you shag their husbands either."

"Thanks." Vivian opened the door and ushered Narcissa out. "You take care. Bye-bye now."

All in all, Vivian was glad that Narcissa had stopped by. She knew that, though Lucius was loath to admit it, his wife had power over him. If she had wanted to, Narcissa could have stopped the affair. However, she didn't care, and that would work to Vivian's advantage. Narcissa had said one thing that bothered her though. Lucius probably would get bored with her eventually. She could see now that she needed him. Lucius was in the inner circle. She would never be able to find another lover who could supply her with as much information. For the last couple weeks, Vivian had been wracking her brain trying to find a way to hold his interest. She had caught one break though; Lucius seemed to under the impression that the reason she had refused to have sex with Evan was because she was saving herself for him. She figured that if his ego was large enough to come up with and believe that theory, there was a good chance that he got off on the knowledge. So, although that would only hold him for so long, she had not bothered to correct him.

She reflected on what she knew about Lucius. More than anything else, he loved to control people. While Bellatrix took pleasure in torture and employed the Cruciatus Curse, Lucius had always favored the Imperius Curse. Complete control may be the only thing Vivian could offer him that he would have difficulty finding elsewhere. Narcissa certainly would not offer it to him. The only problem was that Vivian wasn't sure how exactly to give Lucius complete control over herself, and she really wasn't sure if she wanted to. Could she still say she was strong, still insist that she would not be a victim, if she turned her life over to Lucius? She could make an argument for yes. She could tell herself that making this kind of a sacrifice for the Order was proof of her strength, but she couldn't be certain that she would believe that.

And there was the other issue. How exactly does one surrender control? It seemed like such an odd question to ask after she had spent so many years trying to hold onto control. The question was not in regard to sex. She had pretty much surrendered to his every whim sexually. But how could she subtly guide him into take over her entire life? For the first time she could remember Vivian wished she had someone she could talk to, but she couldn't even turn to her brother or her friends. They were all true believers in the pureblood doctrine; they would never understand. Narcissa certainly was not going to give her any pointers. She definitely did not feel comfortable enough with Benjy Fenwick to discuss relationships, and he was the only contact she had in the Order. She thought about Sirius again. It had been over a year since the last time they talked, and he was not an option now. She had severed what little ties they had after that last conversation. No, she was going to have to figure out how, and if, to do this on her own.

-----

A few nights later Vivian lay next to Lucius in her bed. She drew circles on his chest with her finger and looked up at him with what she hoped were wide, innocent eyes. "Lucius, I want you to be happy. I don't think that Narcissa makes you happy."

"Listen, Vivian, if you're saying-"

"That's not what I meant. She's your wife. I get that. I don't care that you're married. But I don't think that Narcissa makes you happy, and I just want you to know that I'd do anything to make you happy. And, as part of that, I've been thinking about… location. When I first suggested my flat, you were… you seemed appalled, and that amused me at first, which is odd, me being amused by a class difference. But my flat _is_ rather small and if you still feel uncomfortable… I just- I don't want that. But on the other hand, Malfoy Manor can't be a good option. I mean, it's after nine; Narcissa must be home, right?"

"Are you asking me to buy you a larger flat?"

"Lucius, no. I don't want your money, and I don't want you to leave your wife for me. I just want you to be happy. If my flat still appalls you, then that is just not conducive with a good relationship. I feel that this is a conflict that needs to be resolved. That's why I brought it up. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"Well, Narcissa would be home now."

"And afternoons are not good for me. I know Narcissa has her socialite luncheons, but I have a job." Vivian paused. "Although, I will be switching to the night shift soon. So I guess afternoons will be great for me in a month or two. Just a thought."

"I have a job as well."

"Yes, with very flexible hours, considering that you own… everything. But this is all moot if you're fine with the way things are. Nothing has to change unless you want it to. Except that I'll be on the night shift, either way."

"I don't like your bedspread. It's too feminine."

Vivian looked down at her tan bedspread folded at the foot of the bed. It did have pink flowers on it. She loved that bedspread. "Okay, good. I want you to tell me these things."

"And your sheets are a little scratchy. You should get a higher thread count."

Vivian smiled sweetly and nodded to cover up the fact that she was fantasizing about strangling him with his own satin sheets. "See, now were communicating."

"Why don't you want me to leave my wife for you?"

This took her by surprise. "What?"

"It seems odd to me. I am a constant reminder of everything you don't have. Money, a husband. You're telling me that you have no aspirations for this relationship with me to go any farther?"

"Lucius, if I asked you to leave Narcissa, you would leave me. I know why you married her, and I know that I can't offer you what she can in terms of marriage. That's just not the purpose I fulfill for you. Yes, the money would be nice. The legitimacy would be nice, although, after two weeks, it's a little early to discuss marriage. Those things would be nice, but I'm not with you because of them."

"That was the perfect thing to say. How do you always know exactly what to say?"

"If it makes you feel better, I'm trying to be perfect."

"Why?"

"To hold onto you. Lucius, even without the money and the… Malfoyness, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Lucius flipped Vivian over onto her back. He was about to lower himself onto her when there was a knock at the front door. "Ignore it," he hissed.

She smiled. "Okay."

Lucius brought his head back down, but the knocking became more insistent. "Vivian! Vivian, I know you're home."

Lucius sighed and rolled onto his back. "That's your brother."

"I know. I should…" She pointed toward the living room.

"Yeah, go, fine."

Vivian got up and quickly pulled on the robes she had discarded on the floor. "I'll get rid of him as fast as I can." She held her finger up to her lips as she backed out of the room. She tried to smooth her robes with her hands before opening her door. "I'm sorry it took so long. I was doing something. So, what brings you to London?"

"I need a place to stay, just for a little while, until I find a place of my own."

"Severus…"

"Please, Vivian, I had to get out of that house. I've finished school; I shouldn't be living with my parents anymore anyway."

"But Severus, do you even have a job yet?"

"I'm working for the Dark Lord. Look." He pulled back his sleeve to show her the dark mark on his forearm.

Vivian prepared herself for this revelation every time she saw her brother, but she still found it difficult to choke back her horror at seeing it burned into his skin. "That's wonderful, but I wasn't aware that he offered paid positions."

"Well, he doesn't exactly, but it pays to… Can I come in?"

Vivian stepped out of the doorway. "Don't get me wrong, the Dark Lord deserves the best potions master, and that's probably you. However if you don't have a job, you're not going to be able to get a place of your own anytime soon."

"You're going to turn me away, aren't you? I know we're not as close as we once were, but would you really condemn me to live in that house for one more day?"

"I-" Vivian glance over at her bedroom door, wondering if Lucius could hear their conversation.

Severus followed her gaze. "Oh, there's someone else here."

"What? No. No, there's no one here."

"So, you wouldn't mind if I opened your bedroom door now?"

Vivian wanted to get off the topic of the man in her room. "It's just that I only have the one bedroom and if it really was a little while, maybe we could make it work. But you don't even have a job, and there's not enough room for two people to live here."

"Vivian…"

"What? Look around. This is it. This and the bedroom, that's the whole flat. What if I did want to have a man here? Or what if you wanted to—Wow, that's really disgusting to think about. My couch."

"What about your couch?"

"That's where you'd be sleeping and if you brought a girl home…" Vivian threw up her hands. "No girls. That is rule number one."

Severus smiled. "So you'll let me stay?"

"How can I say no to that face?"

His smile morphed into a smirk. "You sound like Mum."

"Don't say that. Rule number two: Never compare me to Mum."

"Right, sorry. I know that you… I know."

"Do you need to go get your things now?"

"No, they're in the hallway." He gestured in that direction.

"Then I have a problem."

"The bloke in your bedroom?"

Vivian nodded. "Yeah. Rule number three: Anything that happens here, stays between us."

"Should I be writing these down?"

"If you want. Rule number… four?"

"Yes."

"Rule number four: You have to get a job that pays."

"Okay. What is rule three in reference to? Who do you have in there?" Severus started in that direction.

Vivian stepped in front of him to cut him off. "Maybe you could just close your eyes while he leaves."

"What is the big secret?" Severus dropped his voice to a whisper. "Is he horribly disfigured?"

"No! No, he's just sort of… a little bit… married."

"Oh." Severus backed away from the bedroom door. "I heard a rumor but I didn't believe it. You're sleeping with Lucius Malfoy? Wait, he's in there right now?"

"Yeah. Don't you think- You heard a rumor? From who?"

"Rosier. He did not take the break-up well. I thought that's why he was saying those things."

"What things?"

"He… He called you a whore and said you refused to shag him because you were holding out for more money. I would have hexed him for your honor, but he's a really good friend and he apologized."

"I don't care that he called me a whore. I'm just worried about Lucius. I'm sure he didn't want word to get out that he was having an affair. How did Evan know?"

"I accidentally let it slip." Vivian turned to see Lucius emerging from the bedroom. So he _was_ using her to get back at Evan for something.

"Lucius, I'm so sorry, but I can't turn him away. He's my brother."

He held up his hand. "It's fine, Vivian. I understand."

"So, you're leaving now?"

Vivian rolled her eyes when Severus stepped up and said, "Oh, Lucius, you don't have to leave on my account."

"I think we should reconsider moving this affair to Malfoy Manor. No offense to your brother, this is a small flat and it will be cramped with both of you here." Lucius turned to look at Severus. "Trust me, considering how thin the walls are, that's really the best option for all of us."

Vivian wanted to hug her brother because he had given her a reason to finally get back into that mansion. Instead she kissed Lucius tentatively on the cheek and said, "We'll talk later."

Instead of leaving Lucius placed his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her into a passionate kiss. Vivian was not sure what to do. It seemed horribly inappropriate, what with her brother standing less than a meter away, but it also seemed foolish to try to deny Lucius. She compromised by slowly counting to five in her mind and then pulling away. "Okay, bye, Lucius."

When it was clear that Lucius was finally ready to leave, Severus spoke up. "It was so nice to see you again, Lucius."

"Likewise, Severus," returned Lucius, with a hint of insincerity. "Congratulations on your recent induction into the Death Eater ranks."

"Thank you very much!" Severus said a little too eagerly.

Vivian involuntarily rolled her eyes again. It was a bit unnerving to realize that her brother was more smitten with her boyfriend than she was. She pushed it out of her mind, as she always did when she thought about how off track her life had become.

Once Lucius was gone, Severus turned to her with a mocking smile. "And you used to make fun of the way I acted around him."

"Acted? Past Tense? Did you hear yourself just now?"

"All right, but what was that? 'I don't care if people are calling me a whore. I'm just worried about Lucius.' Since when do you think about anyone but yourself?"

"Excuse me? I'm letting you stay here, aren't I?"

"You don't have to be so defensive. I didn't mean it in a bad way."

"Yes, selfishness is so underrated."

"I was just pointing out that you don't act like yourself around Lucius. You were actually gushing."

"I couldn't have possibly been gushing as much as you. 'Oh Lucius, may I please lick your shoes? Go ahead and shag my sister if it'll get you to stay longer.' It was nauseating."

"It was not like that. Why do we always have to fight about Lu-"

Vivian cleared her throat. "So this is the living room. There's the couch where you will be sleeping. I'll leave it to you to transfigure it into whatever you want. The door directly behind me is the bathroom. My bedroom is on the left. There's your tour. And let's try not to tear each other's heads off while you're staying here. Rule number five: No using magic on each other, unless specifically asked. Because I know that there were times that only the underage wizarding laws prevented you from using your vast knowledge of the dark arts on me. I know how we fight, and because you're my brother and you need a place to stay, I have resigned myself to these stupid little fights, but I can't have you hexing me just because I insulted your hair."

Severus raised his eyebrows. "My hair? You are the last person I expected to make a comment about my hair."

Vivian's hand instinctively went up to her own hair. She always wore it pulled back telling herself that way it looked shiny. Since the age of eleven, when Vivian found out that she had been adopted, she had been so relieved that she was in no danger of getting the Snape hair. That was until she turned fourteen and her hair chemistry started to change. Somehow, despite the fact that she was not genetically related to Tobias Snape, she had been cursed with hair that was always a little greasy to the touch. It was not as greasy as Severus' as Vivian had spent the last five years experimenting with every hair care potion she could think of, but it still never quite felt clean to her. Neither Lucius nor Evan had ever said anything about it, but that was still the one thing about her physical appearance about which she was most self-conscious. "It was just an example," she said bringing her hand down. "You have to promise not to hex or jinx me for any reason."

"What if you ask?"

"What I meant by that was healing charms and so forth will still be acceptable. But for the sake of simplicity, sure, if I specifically ask you to hex or jinx me, feel free to do so."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

Vivian snorted. "Okay. So tell me about your job, work, for the Dark Lord. Does he appreciate your potion-making brilliance yet? Because if he doesn't,… there's basically nothing I can do about that. I'm a bit scared of the Dark Lord."

"You could put in a word with Lucius."

"You want me to use my connection to-" Vivian was not exactly sure how the Death Eater organization broke down, but it occurred to her that Severus might be able to stay away from the fighting if he was in a safe laboratory setting. Maybe there was a way she could protect him. "Yes, I will put in a word with Lucius. After all, what are powerful boyfriends for? I can't make any guarantees though; Lucius pretty much does what he wants. I don't think I have any real sway over him."

"You would actually do that for me?"

Vivian sighed. The man standing in front of her was her brother, but he was also a Death Eater. That placed them on opposite sides of the war, but he did not know that. Why did he doubt that she would want to help him? Of course, he would think of it as a favor that could advance his position, while in reality she would be trying to save his life. "You're my brother. I want to help you." That was the most honest answer she could vocalize. It pained Vivian to realize the chasm that divided him from her. "Severus, you know that- We haven't always been close, so it means a lot to me that you came here when seeking refuge from the horror that is our father. You know that, despite any differences we've had, I… that I lo… that I'll always be your sister, right?"

"Yes, and I l- will always be your brother too," Severus said with a smirk.

"I'm trying to- Look, Severus, I've done things wrong in the past. I want you to know that I realize that and I'm here for you now."

"You're not different around Lucius; you're just different in general. What have you done with Vivian?"

"Forget Lucius and how I acted around him. Maybe I've matured some, but I always wanted to protect you. I just didn't think that it would help if I- I thought you needed to learn how to deal with people like Potter and Black on your own. I don't know if that was right or wrong, but you felt that I abandoned you and that was wrong. I should have-"

"Vivian, you don't have to do this now. I'm sorry I called you selfish and that I accused you of abandoning me. You don't have to explain."

After the way he had mocked her before, Vivian was a little glad to see that this display of emotions was making Severus uncomfortable as well. "Don't worry, this doesn't actually change anything between us, I'm just going to talk to Lucius. We'll still have the same taunting, sarcastic relationship, if that's what you're worried about. I'm not going to try to be all touchy-feely now. Ew."

"That's the Vivian I know, slightly frigid."

Vivian's lips spread into a wry smile. "Just like Mum."

Severus shook his head. "Blatant disrespect for rule number… I should have written them down."

"Most of the rules only apply to you. My flat, my rules. You should go get- You don't have much stuff, do you? Because I don't have much room."

Severus shrugged as he made his way out to the hallway. "I guess you'll have to assess that for yourself. 'Much' is subjective."

Vivian took that as a yes and sighed. Severus pulled his trunk into the flat. It was deceptively small. She thought about it. "Maybe you could just keep you things in your trunk."

"That's fine for my clothes, but what about my potion ingredients?"

"Oh, right. Well, I have some room in my cabinet, but I also have a fairly extensive assortment."

"Somehow I doubt that it'll be extensive enough."

"I wonder, where does your superiority complex come from?"

"Probably the same place as yours. Can I see you assortment? At the very least I'll be able to weed out the redundancies."

"Kitchen." Severus headed in that direction. "And my ingredients get preference if there's an issue with space," she called after him as there was another knock at her front door. What a strange night. Vivian usually never had visitors, other than Lucius of course.

She opened the door to find Remus Lupin of all people. "Remus, this is certainly… unexpected."

Remus definitely looked uncomfortable and for a second she thought he was going to turn around and leave without saying a word, but instead he said, "Vivian, I'd like to- I wanted to talk about- Sirius said that you knew about the… thing, uh, with the… The thing is, I heard- Oh, I didn't know he was here."

Vivian spun around and saw that Severus had walked out of the kitchen.

"Severus is staying with me until he can find a place of his own."

"I guess it doesn't matter, Severus-"

"Wait," Severus cut in. "Vivian, are you friends with him? He's a…"

She watched him debate whether or not he could tell her. "I know what he is, Severus. And no, we're not friends. I've never even talked to him before." She turned back to Remus. "Which is why I'm dying to know what you wanted to talk to me about."

"You work with potions at St. Mungo's, right?"

"Yes."

"Look, I know that we barely know each other, and you have no reason to want to help me, but I sort of came here to ask you a favor."

"Why me?"

"You're the only one who can… do this for me. When I explain what it is, you'll understand why. Can I come in?"

Vivian hesitated, unsure. If Severus hadn't been there, she would have been eager to speak to Remus, which probably said more than she wanted to know about the feelings she was still harboring for Sirius. On the other hand, if Severus hadn't shown up Lucius would still be there, and that could have been a disaster. "You know, my curiosity has won out. Come in."

"Vivian, I don't think this is a good idea." Severus said from behind her. There was a nervous edge to his voice.

Vivian ignored him. "Please, sit down."

"Not on the couch!" Severus exclaimed.

"Then in the armchair." She smiled insincerely and pulled her brother aside. "I know you two have history. Maybe it'd be better if you took a walk for… about five minutes."

"I'm not going to leave you alone with that monster."

"It's nowhere near the full moon, I'll be fine. Just go." Vivian pushed him toward the door.

Severus eyed her suspiciously, but left. Vivian turned back to Remus. "Now, what is the favor? Keep in mind that I probably won't do it."

"Well, you know that I'm a…"

"Werewolf, yes." Vivian completed, realizing that he wanted her to prove that she really did know. She crossed the room and sat on the couch.

"Right. I know that you're a Death Eater sympathizer and we're on opposing sides here, but I was hoping- Sirius said that you're apathetic, so I thought maybe-"

"He said that? What else did he say about me?" When she heard the words coming out of her mouth she was aware that she sounded like a thirteen year old with a crush, but she couldn't stop it. She resolved to try harder the next time.

"Um, that you're… He didn't really say much else."

"I'm just fascinated by the way I come across to other people." _Yeah, that sounded good_, she thought sarcastically.

"Anyway, I was thinking that if you were really apathetic-"

"Just get to point, Remus."

"Okay, I heard that there's a new experimental potion that could help people like me. However in order for me to get access to it, I would have to-"

"You're talking about the Wolfsbane Potion."

"You interrupt a lot."

"Oh, Sirius didn't warn you about that?"

He looked thoughtful. "I see what you meant."

"About?"

"Wanting to know how you come across to people. You're difficult to figure out."

"Experimental potions are an entirely different division from where I work. If you're asking me to get you into a research group, I can't."

"Actually, I'm here because I'm desperate. Why else would I be asking you? I was hoping that maybe you could get me, or make me, some of the potion."

"How does that fit in with your definition of apathetic?"

"I'll take that as a no."

"It is a no, for so many reasons. This potion is still in its preliminary stages. They don't know how safe or effective it is yet. I don't think you should take that chance. I wouldn't want to be responsible if something went wrong. It's supposed to be a very complicated potion."

"Isn't it your job to make complicated potions that people can't make for themselves?"

"It will be, in a couple years when I've finished my training. At this point, I'm not really well trained in research. It requires a lot of theoretical thinking, and I'm more of a practical application person. I'm not the right person to ask."

"You're the only person I can ask. Do you have any idea what it's like to know that every month there's another chance that you might- Of course you don't. Even if you did have some dangerous affliction, why would you care if you hurt people? You'd just go after the muggleborns, right?"

Vivian smiled. "That's good, Remus. It'll really make me change my mind. Incidentally, werewolves don't actually have ability to select their victims, but I'm sure you know that. Anyway, I'm not really sure that I want the mudbloods killed. I mean, there must be some practical purpose they could serve. There certainly aren't enough house elves to go around, and Merlin knows I could use some help around here."

"You want practical? I almost killed your brother. This potion may be the only that could stop me from finishing the job."

"Insults, threats. You're not very well versed in the art of persuasion, are you? And why practical? Did Sirius tell you that I'm practical?"

"No, you said it twice in the last minute. Why was that insulting? You do support You-Know-Who, right?"

"Why do you people always analyze every word I say? That is exactly the kind of question Sirius would ask me."

Remus shrugged. "You're a strange person."

"I suppose it wasn't all that insulting, but it was meant to be."

Remus shrugged. "Only if you have morals."

"At this point the potion might kill you. I am only thinking of your welfare. That seems like a moral path to take. Actually if you died, Severus would be safer. Why don't I try to whip up that Wolfsbane right now?"

Remus just stared at her. "I don't understand you," he finally said.

"Ask Sirius. He has a lot of insight into what makes me tick. Wait, don't ask him. What did- What exactly did he tell you about me?"

"That you wouldn't tell anyone about the werewolf thing. That was about the extent of it."

"Well, do not in any way imply that I gave permission for him to share his insight."

"Did you and he… you know… have sex? No, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

Vivian just smiled, glad he had supplied an excuse for her weird behavior.

Remus stood. "I'm just going to leave. This entire trip was useless."

Vivian remained seated. "I'll look into the potion for you. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't really have that much contact with the research lab."

"Why would you do that for me?"

"I have no idea. Morals I suppose."

Remus seemed grateful but wary. "I won't be indebted to you."

"I'm not a recruiter. I'm not even a Death Eater."

"No, you just shag them."

"You need to check your facts, I never had sex with Evan." Vivian said, pushing to see how many people knew about her affair with Lucius.

"I'm sorry I even said anything. I don't want to know anything about your sex life."

"You're the one who keeps bringing it up. Um, come by the hospital in a few days and I'll tell you what I was able to find out."

Remus opened his mouth to say something, but seemed unsure what it was he wanted to say. Finally he decided on, "Thank you. I'm sorry. I've been rude and you're… I'm sorry. I'll see you in a few days."

"Yeah. You should probably be going now."

"Oh, right." He appeared disoriented as he left.

Vivian sighed and leaned back. She probably should not be doing anything to help Remus. She had intended to say no. She had said no, at first. Why would she do that for Remus? She wouldn't; she was doing for Sirius, to impress Sirius. Vivian closed her eyes. She was disgusted with herself for still having feelings for him. She was a little irritated with Remus for showing up and reminding her of that, too. She tried to concentrate on things that were connected with the world she lived in: Lucius, Severus, her career, but Sirius's face kept popping back into her mind.

She was shook out of her thoughts by Severus's voice. "How did you know that he's a werewolf?"

"I, um… I sort of figured it out on my own."

"So you're the only one who managed to see the warning signs? No one else figured it out."

"I tricked Sirius into letting something slip about the prank. He mentioned a werewolf, and from there, I figured it out. Once I had a focus, it was rather obvious."

"How often do you talk to Black? And why would Lupin show up expecting you to do him a favor?"

"I believe I talked to Sirius… four times in school. The fourth time I was very confrontational and he thought I knew about the werewolf. Remus thought I might be able to help him. He'd heard about a new potion and he wanted to know more about it. Unfortunately for him, I don't know much about it. Not that I was all that inclined to cooperate with him."

"But you did agree to help him. I heard you. Why would you do that?"

Vivian was getting worried. Why was Severus asking so many questions? "I said no at first, but yes, eventually I agreed to look into it. That's all."

"Why though?"

"I feel sorry for him. You don't really blame him, do you? It wasn't his fault. It was James and Sirius. If this potion can help subdue werewolves, where's the downside? Helping Remus will help all of humanity. Sirius will never be able to use him to-"

"Okay. I understand. I was just wondering… So, you actually want to help people with this healer thing. I did not think that that was why you got into it."

"It wasn't. I just wanted a good potions job, but they pump that helping propaganda into you from the first day of training. I guess it has gotten to me. Yeah, I want to help people! How odd."

"Maybe that's why you've changed. You're… softer."

Vivian nodded. While she'd been telling him a lot of lies, so his assessment of her personality was skewed, she thought that it was probably true that she was softer than she had been growing up. "Well, it's been a long, crazy night and I have to work in the morning. So, I'm going to bed and I'll let you work out what you want to do with the couch."

"Okay. Good night, Vivian."

"Good night, Severus."


	4. August 1978

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's Notes:** So the Black Family tree was released awhile ago and it turns out Narcissa's three years older than I made her here. It's too late to fix, and in the grand scheme of things, not that important. But I am aware and I am working to keep my Black family within this new canon as much as possible. Anyway, thanks to Sylvia for the betaing.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

_**August 1978**_

"You know that I have always adored you, Vivian. Because of your friendship with Cissy, I thought of you as another little sister while we were at school."

Vivian had never been as scared as she was now. Even when her father had gotten drunk and gone on one of his tears, she always knew she would survive. That was not the case here in Bellatrix Lestrange's house. When she received the invitation to come to Bellatrix's home, she had known exactly what Bellatrix wanted to discuss. Bellatrix was fanatical about everything having to do with pure blood and preserving her family's honor. If she knew about Lucius' affair there was no telling what she might do to his mistress.

"Bellatrix, I think I know why you asked me to--"

"Don't interrupt. This is about a disturbing rumor I heard from my cousin Evan. He seems to be under the impression that you are now dating my sister's husband. I told him that was ridiculous; Lucius is married."

Vivian waited a second to make sure that Bellatrix had finished this time. "Bellatrix, I know that you… that… I don't know what I'm supposed to say. It would be pointless to deny it. Lucius told Evan, and Narcissa knows. So that's… Yes, it's true." Bellatrix was a very beautiful woman, but within those heavy-lidded eyes there was an unmistakable glint of fury. Vivian reminded herself that it would have been worse in the long run if she had lied.

"How can you do this to Narcissa?"

"With all due respect, I don't think that I'm entirely to blame. Lucius seduced me, okay. He was sliding _his_ hand up _my_ thigh. I know that it's easier to blame the whore than the Malfoy, but Lucius is doing this to Narcissa. He's her husband; he's the one with a responsibility to her. I know that it takes two to tango and although you can't really say no to Lucius, I'll admit that I didn't want to say no." She paused. "Are you going to kill me? I'd just rather know now."

"Lucius told Evan? He should be more discreet."

Vivian blinked hard. She was disturbed that Bellatrix had not answered her question, but decided to go wherever she was leading the conversation. "I assure you, I was the soul of discretion."

Bellatrix clapped her hands together. "Here's the part of the conversation with Evan that I found disturbing: He claims you're just in it for the money."

Vivian shook her head vigorously. "That is not at all true. I've already told Narcissa this. I'm not trying to take her husband or money. Evan just can't understand why I would barely let him touch me only to turn around and shag Lucius."

"And why is that?"

"Why is-- Oh. Evan was trying too hard. He didn't care about anything but getting me into bed. I wanted more from him, with him. I expected more. Lucius… okay, it's all about the sex with him, but it's different. It's more honest and up front. And I believe that he respects me in a way that Evan never did. I tried with Evan. I wanted… I thought I could fall in love with him. And he never respected--He didn't really even treat me like a—I guess I shouldn't really be talking to you about your cousin like this. He's your cousin?"

"Second cousin. My mother's a Rosier. But please continue."

Vivian shook her head. "You don't want to hear this. It's not about money, I swear. It's about disillusionment."

"I'm not going to kill you. I do intend to speak to Lucius about this arrangement though."

Vivian tried to look remorseful and crushed. "I understand. He… It could never last. I know that it has to end. I can't share-- I need to find-- I… I just--" Vivian could not believe that she was actually getting choked up. She decided to push it and screwed her face up like she was on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so worked up." She looked up, tears shining in her eyes. "I think I'm falling in love with him, Bellatrix. So, it's… it's probably better if it ends now, right? He's married! And I wouldn't even want him to leave his wife. She's… Narcissa, she has a name, Narcissa is the-- But Bellatrix, their marriage isn't like yours. It's not love. I've talked to her; she doesn't even-- Now I sound desperate. Tell me it'll be easier if it ends now. No, you're not even- - I haven't been making much sense for the last five minutes, have I?" _Please let her still have some trace of compassion for me, or at all._ Vivian did not know how much influence Bellatrix had over Lucius personally, but she did know that Bellatrix had the Dark Lord's ear and that was a powerful weapon.

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes. "You're in love with him?"

"Narcissa's your sister. It's not your problem. I think I need to go before I start to cry."

"I know she doesn't love him. Are you—I can't believe I'm asking this—Are you telling me that you will never want him to leave her for you? Never? What if this goes on for years? That's what you want, right? How can you guarantee that in five years you will still be happy coming in second place? That you won't want to get married and have children? You can't. It is better if this ends now."

"Are you going to talk to Lucius directly or poison the Dark Lord's mind about the relationship?"

"I'm sure this matter is not worth the Dark Lord's attention. Now that you bring it up, you've been a little quiet in this war. Why don't you join in the fight?"

"Lucius doesn't want me to." She laughed hollowly. "Although I suppose that'll hardly matter soon. I also just don't think that combat is the place for me. I'm a healer. I believe in saving lives."

"Lives I'm trying to end."

"Well, as long as your Avada Kedavras hit their marks, there will be nothing I can do for those people."

"True. You know, there are other ways to serve the cause. We don't have any fully trained healers in the ranks. And if Death Eaters go to St. Mungo's there might be awkward questions and risk of exposure. Our injured are not getting good treatment."

"I'm not a fully trained healer, and I specialize in potions. I might be able to help, but I can't… and you have Severus now. He's better with potions. But I'll help any way that… If it's okay with Lucius, but I'm sure it will be. And, right, he'll be breaking up with me soon, so I won't need permission."

"Vivian, if you have to ask permission to do things, you've gone wrong somewhere."

Vivian was glad for the chance to change the subject. "Well, you know how Lucius is. He likes to feel in control. Speaking of relationships, how is the pregnancy quest going?"

"Not all that well actually."

"Won't you have to stop fighting when you do conceive? Combat isn't safe for the baby. I don't know if this fight can spare you."

"Are you trying to talk me out of having a child?"

Vivian had no doubt that Bellatrix should not have a child, but she hesitated for effect. "Yes. I, the subservient mistress, am trying to give you relationship advice." She leaned forward. "You two don't want children for the right reasons. In fact, I truly suspect that you don't want children at all at this point. I know this isn't any of my business, but you are the one who will have to make the sacrifices. Don't let Rodolphus talk you into this unless you want to be thrust onto the sidelines with Narcissa and myself, watching the big, strong men do all the heavy lifting. Right now, you could become the Dark Lord's second in command, but that'll all change once you get pregnant. If I were in your position, I would wait until after things had settled down, after our victory. I just think that's something to consider."

"I have considered it. That's why I'm still taking an anti-conception potion. Rodolphus doesn't know that of course. You're shagging my sister's husband and I still like you. How do you do that?"

She shrugged. "I'm very likable."

"No, not to most people. You have a reputation for being a bitch."

"And you have a reputation for being a bit sadistic. You're ruthless. I like that about you, now that I know you aren't going to kill me. When you talk to Lucius, please don't tell him that I said you could become the second in command. That's a position he likes to think he occupies."

Bellatrix hesitated. "I'm not going to talk to Lucius about you. It's not really any of my business, is it? I just think you need to consider where this relationship could possibly go. It may seem like enough now, but if you're falling in love with him, it won't be soon."

"I know you're probably right. Thank you. So, are we still friends?"

"Yes, I think we are. I asked you here intending to… well, do something horrible to you, but you won me over. I remember why I'm fond of you. You're my kind of witch."

"That is a very high compliment coming from you." Actually it made Vivian's skin crawl, but in a way it was high praise of her manipulative abilities. It seemed to get easier. She supposed that once she knew that her life was safe she'd been able to concentrate on the task at hand. Still, Vivian hoped that she would be a little more successful the next time she tried to cry. She had not been able to get an actual tear to roll down her cheek.

"You are taking an anti-conception potion as well, aren't you? There can be no bastard Malfoys."

"Yes, I am and I know. Trust me, Bellatrix, I have at least as much respect for the Malfoy name as you do, if not more. I am not going to do anything to tarnish it. And besides, I am still nineteen, far too young to have children."

"Good. Then I actually do not have any problems with you. If I hear that you're going after Lucius' money though…"

"I know. Cruciatus Curse. You don't have to warn me twice."

-----

"Personal healer to the Death Eaters, what do you think?"

Benjy Fenwick looked up from his caldron. "You're not a healer." He was a man of few words. Vivian liked that about him.

"That's what I told Bellatrix, but apparently they currently have very poor healthcare. This is coming from Bellatrix, by the way. I don't know what Lucius will say, but… my burn-healing paste has always been quite effective." She finished as Carl Roth walked back into the teaching laboratory. Carl and Vivian were the only people being trained in healing potions at that time. At this point, their "training" consisted of making potions for the patients while Benjy supervised. Whenever Carl left the room, Vivian used the opportunity to share information with Benjy or ask his opinion about some aspect of her spying.

Carl walked over to her. "You're making a burn-healing paste?"

Vivian glanced down at her empty caldron. "No, I just meant in general. I make an excellent burn-healing paste." She actually liked Carl; it was too bad he thought she was arrogant and a bit crazy. Her burn-healing paste was not even that great. "It came up in conversation."

"Right." Carl smiled and nodded, clearly not believing her.

Vivian was about to insist that it had indeed made sense in context, but she saw Remus through the window. "Excuse me, I need to talk to someone." She walked out to meet Remus.

"Hello, Vivian."

"Hi, Remus. Let's go to a consultation room so that we can talk privately. I need you to—Walk with me—I need you to be aware that I am not technically a healer, so any advice I give you is not technically professional. The hospital is not responsible for your choice to consult an under-qualified witch."

"Is that a common problem for the hospital?"

"Yes, trainees charge less."

"Charge?"

"No, don't worry. It's free." Vivian stopped in front of a desk. "I need a consultation room," she said to the young witch sitting there.

The witch looked up at Remus. "Have you been informed that--"

"Yes, Sara, I told him all that."

"I need to hear it from him. This trainee is barely out of school. We have several _qualified_ healers available if you would prefer."

Remus glanced over at Vivian. "I trust Miss Snape."

Sara looked at him with pity before consulting a piece of paper on her desk. "Room six is available."

"Good." Vivian grabbed his arm. "Let's go."

The room contained two armchairs and a hospital bed. "You can sit in one of the chairs."

"Is this an okay time for you? I'm not bothering you, am I?"

Vivian sat down. "No, it's been a slow day. It's been over a week; I didn't think you were going to show up."

"I just wanted to give you time."

"Well, I have looked into the potion and I'm sorry to say that I was right about it. It is far too early in the development to try on human subjects. I'll try to keep you informed, but at this time there isn't much I can do for you. Do you have any questions? Not just about this potion, but about anything?" Remus shook his head. "Are you sure? You should make it worth coming down here. Do you want to know details about the potion? Anything?"

"I should have come to the hospital in the first place. You have a very professional demeanor here."

Vivian looked pleased. "I am your healthcare provider now."

"As my healthcare provider, will you be candid with me?"

"Within reason."

"If this potion is really that dangerous, how likely is it that it will ever be approved for use?"

"Oh, research is not my area, but the researchers do seem optimistic."

"What do they expect it to do when it's finished?"

"It won't be a cure. Right now they are working on being able to curb the dementia that accompanies transformation. It would make you safe. You wouldn't have to worry about hurting anyone, if it's ever perfected."

"And you don't know how big an 'if' that might be?"

Vivian shook her head. "No, I really don't."

"Are you only being so professional because you're glad to finally have someone consult you?"

Vivian leaned back in her chair and put her arms on the armrests. "That's an interesting question. I think that's true in a way, but it's more that I'm thinking of you as a patient now. You are entrusting your care to me. I mean I know you probably see another healer, but still in a way, you are my patient too. And I'm really excited to have a patient. And, before you ask, yes, that's why I want to continue to keep you informed."

"What do you see in Lucius Malfoy?"

The question took her by surprise. "You know about Lucius?"

"Yeah, that's the real reason I stayed away for so long. I wasn't sure if I should trust you, but Sirius said-"

She swallowed hard. "Sirius knows?"

"Yes. Lots of people know. You may not be as good with secrets as you think."

Vivian face turned stony. "I'm like a vault when I want to be. Lucius let it slip. I'm sorry, go on with your explanation. What did Sirius say?"

"He said that I could trust you. He's actually the one who wanted to know what you see in Lucius."

"You can tell Sirius that he knows exactly what I see in Lucius. And… that he has no right to mock me. Tell him that."

"You two have a strange relationship. When I mentioned your conversational… twists, he just laughed and said, 'Oh, you noticed that.'"

"We don't have a relationship."

"Clearly, because you're involved with Lucius Malfoy."

Vivian huffed. She was still disturbed that Sirius knew about her affair. "What's not to see in him? He's rich, handsome, powerful…"

"Arrogant, cruel, a murderer. It's just odd to me that you say you care about me as your patient, but would applaud your boyfriend for killing me."

"Look, I had to choose a side."

"And any side would do?"

"Does Sirius brief you on what to say, or do you two just think the same way?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Vivian nodded. "Just think the same way. No, I did not randomly choose a side. I have reasons."

"You chose the wrong side. And I've heard all the reasons that people have. None of them are any good."

Vivian shrugged. "That's your opinion."

"I think you should reconsider your decision."

"Okay." Vivian stood. "Do you have any more questions that relate to your medical status?"

Remus stood too, looking slightly uncomfortable. "No, I don't think so. I wasn't trying to attack you. I'm trying to help you."

"I understand that. I just realized that I'm still at work. I have to do my job now. I don't think I need your help though."

"You're right, I should let you get back to work. Will you still keep me informed about the progress of the Wolfsbane Potion?"

"Oh, of course. I'm not at all offended that you disagree with me. I'm a little more reasonable than that. I can survive someone telling me I'm wrong."

"Good. I'm glad you feel that way. But can I ask what are your reasons for supporting the Death Eaters?"

Vivian could not recall ever being asked that before. She really couldn't think of a good reason to side with the Dark Lord. "Next time. I have to work. But if you're asking because you're beginning to respect me and you were willing to place your life in my hands, so you're curious if maybe there is actually a good reason, don't worry. I'm sure it's nothing you haven't heard before."

"That is exactly why I asked," Remus said in an amazed tone.

"It's my job to anticipate what people are thinking."

"How is that your job?"

Vivian couldn't believe she had made that mistake. She had naturally been talking about her job as a spy. "It makes sense if you think about it. And your time is up. Have a nice day."

"Wait, how am I going to know when you know something?"

"When I know something, I'll owl you to set up another appointment."

"I've thought about it and it still doesn't make sense. How is it your job to anticipate what people are thinking?"

"At this point all you need to understand is how it's my job to make potions and I need to get back to that."

"Sirius did tell me that you could be evasive."

She opened the door. "He was right."

-----

When Vivian got back to the laboratory, Carl had left again, probably to take a potion to a patient. "Healer for Death Eaters?"

"The way I understand it, you don't really want to get in that deep."

Vivian nodded. "You're right. Does that make me selfish?"

"No, if you get in beyond your comfort zone, you might make a mistake, and that will be worse for everyone. Remember that it wasn't that long ago that you rushed into this relationship with Malfoy."

"True. I don't even think that it's been a month. Wow, it seems longer."

"My point exactly. You need to slow down. You should just continue doing what you've been doing."

"Well, I didn't suggest it to Bellatrix. It was entirely her idea, and if she pushes the only good excuse is that Lucius won't allow it. So I suppose now I worry about how to get Lucius to not allow it in the event that she does push. It might be difficult if the situation is really as bad as Bellatrix made it sound." She wasn't even really talking for Benjy's benefit anymore. She just liked being able to speak these thoughts aloud to someone who would understand. Soon Carl would return and she would have to keep all these thoughts inside again.

-----

"Did your brother get a job yet?"

Vivian and Lucius were sitting in a drawing room that she had never seen before. It smelled musty and clearly had not been used in a long time. "He says no one is hiring. Do you really think your estate is so large that Narcissa won't notice we're here?"

"People must be hiring, and Narcissa never comes into the north wing."

"This is the north wing? How do you not get lost in this house?"

Lucius laughed. "I grew up here."

"Still, this is a really big house for just the two of you. Where are your parents?"

"They live in the summer villa outside Brighton."

"And by villa you mean a house that is at least four times as large as the one in which I grew up."

"Well, yes."

Vivian looked around the room. "So do you hide all your mistresses in the north wing?"

Lucius stood and went to pour himself a drink. "You are actually the only mistress I've ever had."

"That's what I really wanted to know. It makes me feel special, instead of like a whore. Word is getting out about us. It seems like all I do anymore is respond to confrontations from people who know. Bellatrix knows, by the way."

"Yes, she talked to me."

"She said she wasn't-- What did she say?"

Lucius made a dismissive gesture with his hand. "That isn't important right now."

"It's important to me," Vivian pressed. "If she told you to break up with me--"

"She didn't. She did mention that you told her Narcissa knows."

"Yeah, Narcissa has known for a while. She was probably the first person Evan went to."

"When were you going to tell me this?"

"When were you going to tell me that Evan was telling everyone that I'm a whore?"

"That's hardly the same thing. Narcissa is my wife."

"Did you-- How did you let it slip to Evan?"

"Well, we were talking about--"

"Wait, what I meant to ask was, did the characterization of me as a gold-digging whore come from you or Evan?"

"Oh, Rosier, of course. He's a little bitter."

Vivian thought carefully about how she wanted to respond. She tried to remember all the things she had said about Evan to Lucius and Bellatrix. "Evan lost me," she began slowly, "because he… He lost me; I wasn't stolen away. He didn't appreciate me. He didn't respect me. He wasn't interested in the same things I was. He needs to understand that I didn't break up with him to be with you. I broke up with him because it wasn't working. The fact that I'm with you now is completely unrelated."

"Do you really think you're in love with me?"

Vivian sucked in her breath. "I can't believe she told you that."

Lucius smirked. "She said you cried."

"_Almost_ cried. I did not actually cry if makes any difference to you."

"It's not--"

Vivian wished he wasn't standing so far away from her. This did not seem like the kind of conversation that should be held from across the room. "I know. This relationship has boundaries and it was stupid of me to get emotionally involved. Believe me, Lucius, I never intended to feel this way."

"It's not a problem, Vivian. I'm not upset with you."

"How can you not be? This complicates things."

Lucius crossed back over to the couch. "Not really. We're in a relationship; it is only natural that you would develop these feelings for me."

Vivian was tempted to ask him if he had developed feelings for her, just to see if he would lie. Instead she smiled a pathetic sort of smile and said, "I'm glad you understand."

Lucius sat down. "But about Severus, do you think he's really looking for a job?"

"I--"

"Because it has been ten days, and I was so desperate to see you that I risked bringing you to the manor while Narcissa was home."

"I know, and I don't think he is really looking. He's been very involved in doing research for the Dark Lord and I don't want to discourage that, but… but it has been _ten days_."

"He is really coming into his own as a Death Eater. He's much less sycophantic. I actually respect him a bit now."

Vivian was glad to hear that. "Yeah, once you get to know him, he isn't nearly as… intolerable. Coming into his own as the go-to potions guy?"

"Just on the whole. I mean, he does some work with potions, but he's also very skilled in the dark arts."

She fought to suppress her disappointment at Severus' level of involvement. "But he is the best potions wizard around. The Dark Lord should really be taking advantage of that."

"How devoted are you to the Dark Lord?"

Vivian was worried she had said something wrong. "Reasonably. Why?"

"Why aren't you a Death Eater?"

This question worried her even more. "I, um… I thought you didn't like female Death Eaters."

"That's not an answer."

"Well, I suppose I'm not really all that _devoted_ to the Dark Lord. I do support his philosophy though." Vivian prayed to anyone who might be listening that this would be an acceptable answer.

"Yeah, see, I wouldn't used devoted to describe myself either." Vivian let out the breath she'd been holding. "Bellatrix would. She's fanatical. I'm not in it for the philosophy. I mean I agree to a point, but I'm really in it for the power."

"I… I can understand that. I personally think that killing the mudbloods is a little extreme." Vivian giggled. "Bellatrix would throw me out of her house for saying that."

"I've never told anyone what I just told you, not even Narcissa. Because of Bellatrix. She would do anything to push me out of favor with the Dark Lord, although secretly I think he's really more interested in the power too."

"Is that why you asked? Were you afraid I was a fanatic like Bellatrix?"

"Well, Severus is."

"Severus is a lost little boy, pleading for acceptance. He was an easy sell. But while I wouldn't call him fanatical, he is a true believer. Blind prejudice is the scapegoat for the poor."

"Then how do you explain Bellatrix?"

"Blind prejudice serves a purpose for the rich too. I just don't know what it is. I'm much more in tune with the poor."

Lucius leaned in closer to her. "We can talk about this later. Right now I have other plans." He began to nuzzle her neck.

"On the couch?"

Lucius breathed a "yes" onto her skin, giving Vivian goose bumps. "Are you sure Narcissa isn't going to hear us?"

He pulled away and looked deep into her eyes. "At this point, I don't even care." Then he pushed her onto her back.


	5. February 1979

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

_**February 1979**_

_Remus,_

_There have been some new developments in the research we discussed. It's not much, but I think you would rather talk in person. I am now working the night shift, so you can stop by the hospital anytime from midnight to 8 a.m. I'm sorry if this is inconvenient, but I would prefer if you did not come to my home._

_-VS_

Vivian attached the note to the leg of her owl. She thought it would be best to meet at the hospital because during the day Severus was usually home. He had held a job for almost two months before being fired. Apparently he spent so much time thinking about the Dark Lord's needs that he was usually late for or distracted at work. Now he spent most of his time in her kitchen working on potions. However, that morning Lucius had given Severus an important assignment, so that he could spend his lunch hour with Vivian. Vivian sat on the couch and watched the owl fly out the window. After it was out of sight, she continued to stare at the view as she waited for Lucius.

By this time everyone knew about her affair with Lucius. She had begun to think of "Lucius Malfoy's mistress" as a character she was playing. It seemed to help to separate herself from that role. While the Death Eaters had recruited a couple Healers to their ranks, Vivian was sometimes called upon to mix up healing potions. So far she had been fortunate enough to avoid the Dark Lord.

Things with Lucius were not going too well, though. He never wanted to talk any more, and that was a problem for Vivian. She did not think she had learned anything of value in the last month, and she did not know what she should do. She had tried to start conversations, but he always said they had no time for small talk. She did not think it would be beneficial to push and nag, lest he decide he should move on to a less demanding girlfriend.

However, Vivian was starting to think that she should move on to a more informative boyfriend. She had decided that day to insist that they talk. It had been a while since she had insisted on anything. So she sat and waited with a nervous feeling in her stomach. She was glad when she heard the door open because she was almost eager to get it over with. She turned to look at Lucius.

Lucius just stood in the doorway for a few seconds. When he started to walk toward her with a hungry look in his eyes, Vivian held up her hand to stop him. "Wait, Lucius, I want to talk to you."

He stopped a few feet from her. "There's no time for-"

"I think that we need to make time. Maybe we won't have time for other things."

Lucius sighed and sat in the armchair. "What do you want to talk about?"

So far, so good. "I want to talk about the fact that we never talk any more. Every time you come over, you tell me that there isn't enough time. I just want to remind you that, no matter what the general population is saying, I am not a prostitute. This is supposed to be a relationship. No, sorry. I didn't mean to be that confrontational. I just think that you're taking me for granted."

"I understand where you're coming from, but the fact is that you're working nights and sharing an flat with your brother. There isn't a lot of time."

"And so the priority is sex?"

"Yes, that is a priority for me. I have a wife, and we talk all the time."

Vivian laughed. "You have no idea how wrong that is."

"That I talk to my wife?"

"That you just compared our conversations to those with your wife. Maybe you talk all the time about how the house elf… forgot to clean the drapes in the main living room. But we used to talk too, about interesting things. It was always the high point of my day. And just because you have a wife to talk to, it doesn't mean _I_ have anyone."

"You have Severus."

That was true. Severus had been very forthcoming about his work, but it made Vivian queasy to use her brother. "He doesn't talk. He hogs the kitchen and makes potions all day."

"Look, I've been under a lot of stress, what with the Aurors showing up at the raid in Hogsmeade last weekend."

"I didn't even know there was a raid last weekend." Actually, Vivian had known about the raid and been the one to tip off the Order. She just wanted to see if he would notice.

He didn't. "I'm sorry if I don't keep you informed of every move I'm going to make. Is that why you're with me? To hear the bloody war stories?"

Vivian's eyes grew wide. "I'm with you because I love you! But yes, those bloody war stories are one of the things that attracted me to you. It was the way you talked to me like a person. In a way Evan never did. All he cared about was getting me into bed. Sounds familiar."

"Why would you bring up Rosier right now? Do you wish you were still with him?"

"I feel like I already am." This made Lucius angry. She could see the muscle in his jaw tighten and knew that she had gone too far. She walked over to him and sat in his lap. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want to fight."

"Right, because that involves more talking, which cuts into your sex time."

Lucius sighed. "Clearly, you're not going to let this go."

"I love having sex with you, I really do, but I miss the talking. Will you just at least promise me that you will make an effort to treat me like an equal and not just a sex object?"

"Vivian, I'm sorry if that's how I've made you feel. It's just been a rough couple of months. I promise we will get this thing back on track, but today I think we've talked enough."

His eyes were like pools of silver, and Vivian found her resolve weakening. _Pools of silver? _She wondered if maybe she was getting too into character. "We _are_ losing precious minutes." She stood and, taking his hand, led him to her bedroom.

-----

Vivian struggled to stay awake. Even after five months on the night shift, she still wasn't used to staying up all night. She was about to give in and take a quick nap, when there was a knock on the laboratory door. She looked over at Benjy. He was sleeping peacefully, and she was under strict orders not to wake him unless there was an emergency. Vivian sort of hoped this was one because she was bored out of her mind. She got up and walked sleepily to the door. When she opened it, she found Sirius Black talking to Carl. "You didn't have to knock."

Carl looked at her. "I didn't knock. Sirius did, before I showed up." He spoke slowly as if it should have been obvious.

She turned to Sirius. "What are you doing here at this hour?"

"I came to see you. Remus couldn't make it."

Carl looked at Vivian expectantly. She wondered what he was expecting. She yawned loudly. "What time is it?"

"Three a.m.," Sirius answered.

"You're one of those night people, aren't you?"

Sirius nodded, his eyes shining.

"I'll be in a consultation room if you need me," she said to Carl. She turned to Sirius, stifling another yawn. "Let's go."

Once Vivian was sure they were out of earshot of Carl, she said, "Do you remember that time you made me get up at two?"

"Vividly. I figured this time you'd be awake though, since you're at work."

"Oh, you were wrong."

"You told Remus to come in anytime during your shift."

"I know." Vivian saw Sara sitting at the receptionist desk. "What is she doing here?"

"Who is she?"

"A woman who I suspect exists solely to make my life miserable."

This was said within hearing distance of Sara, who said, "Believe it or not, the world does not revolve around you."

"Then why are you here?"

Sara eyed Sirius lustfully. "Luck."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "I need a consultation room."

"Have you been informed of your rights, Mr…?"

Sirius looked over at Vivian and then back at Sara. "Black, and why, no, I haven't." He appeared highly amused while Sara explained that he had a right to a qualified healer. "She's still in training? She didn't tell me that."

Sara shot Vivian a smug glance. "It is possible that she was purposefully misleading you. You should make a formal complaint."

"I just might. Where should I go to do that?"

"At the patient services office. It's on the-"

Vivian broke in. "Really, Sara, what are you doing here?"

Sara's eyes did not leave Sirius. "I'm filling in for a friend."

"Can we have a consultation room now?"

"If Mr. Black still wants to consult you."

Sirius smiled. "Why not?"

Sara looked disappointed. "Room one then."

"Thank you." Vivian was glad to finally get away from Sara.

Once they were in the room, Vivian said, "This seems like a lot to go through to tell you about a minor development with the Wolfsbane Potion. And why is it that Remus wasn't able to attend his own consultation?"

"He's not a night person."

"That's not a good reason."

Sirius shrugged. "You did ask me to keep him away from you at certain times of the month, and it's getting close."

Vivian was about to say that the full moon was a week away, but then she thought about what he had said. "Do you know how great it is that you still remember that after two years?"

"I seem to recall you saying that it was annoying the way I remembered every word you said."

"Yeah, well I had no idea how much more annoying it would be to know that he's not even listening."

Sirius smirked. "Who? Lucius Malfoy?"

"He can't even remember things we talked about two weeks ago. Forget about Lucius. So really, you talked Remus into letting you come so that you could see me again, right?"

"Yes, and it took a lot of persuading. Apparently there are things that you were going to tell him at this next consultation."

Vivian feigned confusion. She had hoped that after all these months Remus would have forgotten. "Really? What were they?"

"Why it is your job to anticipate what people are thinking. Also he's pretty sure there was something else, but he can't remember what it was."

"The reasons I chose the side I chose."

"Yes, well, he wanted me to make sure that I find out the answer to those questions."

"What about the potion?"

Sirius smiled. "Yeah, he wants me to find out about that too."

"So,… you really couldn't stay away?"

"Remus told me about how crazy conversations with you can be. It made me nostalgic."

Vivian changed the subject just to humor him. "I need to be able to anticipate what people are thinking for my job as a spy. How am I supposed to make that relate to potions maker?"

"I have no idea."

"I need more time to think about that one."

"You've had months." His eyes twinkled in a way that was so inappropriate for that hour. Vivian imagined that her own eyes looked hooded and lifeless and just generally the way eyes should look at three in the morning.

She struggled to concentrate on the conversation at hand. "In reference to my reasons, I was going say fear played a large role. The Dark Lord is rather scary. I would not want to cross him."

"And yet you are."

"I'm just telling you what to tell Remus. In fact, you can tell him whatever you want. You come up with the reason for the other thing."

"That was your mistake. Why should I have to justify it?"

"Because you wanted me to be a spy. You're distracting me with conversation. I'm supposed to be working here. We should get to the point."

Sirius didn't miss a beat. "Healers need to be prepared beforehand for any questions that might come up in the consultation."

"Okay. That works. Why couldn't I think of that? Now that you say it, it sounds obvious."

"Well, I'm obviously smarter than you, and hindsight is 20/20."

Vivian smiled skeptically. "Obviously. The Wolfsbane Potion is really coming along, or so they tell me. It's not ready, and it may not be for quite a while, but the witch I talked to is positive that it can be done. In fact, she thinks it's time to do human trials, but the other researchers want to err on the side of caution. That's really all there is to say about that."

"And who is this witch?"

"She's one of the researchers. She's a night person too. I mean really a night person; she requested the night shift. Anyway, we have 'midnight lunches' together and sometimes she talks about her research." Vivian yawned again.

"Am I keeping you up?"

"Actually, yes, you are."

Sirius stood. "I guess I should be going then,"

"No, it's a good thing." She made a hand gesture that signified he should sit back down. "I'm supposed to be awake. I just have to do the night shift for six months as part of my training and then hopefully never again. And the six months is almost over." She paused. "I'm glad you came. I was actually starting to think-" Vivian cut herself off.

"Starting to think what?"

"I… don't want to say."

Sirius sat down again. "Fascinating. Now I have to know."

Vivian thought for a moment. "A few months ago I started to distinguish the real Vivian Snape, this charming woman you get to talk to, from the… Supports-Death-Eaters-and-Is-In-Love-With-Lucius-Malfoy Vivian Snape. You see, they're two different people, but I was starting… I was afraid that I was losing myself in the other Vivian."

"How does my showing up here help you with that?"

"I was afraid… Lucius thinks I'm in love with him. I was starting to wonder… I'm not saying this right."

Sirius smirked again. "Am I getting you all flustered again?"

"You were, but I don't want to be flustered, so I'm going to go ahead and tell you. I was beginning to think that I had feelings for Lucius, but looking at you and talking to you now, I realize I don't really want him. On the other hand, maybe that's a bad thing. Wouldn't it be easier if I did? Maybe I'm not glad you came."

"You just contradicted yourself." He was still smirking.

"Yeah, well, I've been known to do that. You remind me of things and that's going to make it more difficult to do my job."

"You're going to have to be more specific than 'things.'"

"Oh, okay. You want to know? The things that are wrong in my relationship, this elusive good side that I'm supposed to be working for but never get to see, happiness, schoolgirl crushes, the life I should have had but can't until the Dark Lord is stopped."

That wiped the smirk off his face. "The life-"

"I'm not saying that I should have a life with you. I mean that I should be able to think of relationships in terms of how I think of _you_, not how I think of Lucius. And you remind me of things I never admitted to myself, like how much I admire your courage."

"What courage? Where did that come from?"

"The courage it took to turn your back on your family. I told you it was stupid to do that. It did seem that way from my cunning and ambitious Slytherin point of view, but really, it was quite brave."

"What you're doing takes courage too."

Vivian shook her head. "It's not the same. You stand up and look Bellatrix, psychotic Bellatrix, in the eye and openly challenge her. You fight out in the open. I hide in shadows and pretend to support, to like, those people. I praise Bellatrix to her face. That isn't the braver option. I may have thought it was once, but I can see it clearly now."

"But if you were discovered…"

"If I were discovered, I would not face anything worse than you would if you were captured."

"Rape?"

"Oh, rape could be a possibility for you too, pretty boy." She sighed and sat up straighter. "In all honesty, yes, rape is more likely for me, but that's because I'm a woman, not because I'm a traitor."

"Okay, but you face those possibilities—rape, torture, death—every day. The coward's way would be to do nothing. Or to become a Death Eater out of fear."

"I don't think I'm a coward. I was just commenting on your courage."

"Well, thank you. What other things have you never admitted to yourself?"

Vivian hesitated. "That depends. Can you remember other things I said after all these years?"

"I remember the conversations rather well."

"And you remember that night in the classroom vividly?"

Sirius gave her an odd look. "Yes."

Vivian took a deep breath. "I never quite wanted to admit to myself that I had developed a severe crush on you. I'll admit it now, to myself and to you. I can't do anything about it though. Lucius would kill me, and that's not just a figure of speech."

"I'm actually going through a really bad break-up."

"Then wouldn't it be great if you could rebound with an old friend?"

Sirius' smirk found its way back to his lips. "I wasn't aware we were friends. I thought you were angry with me. In fact, you don't need friends like me, right?"

She thought about it for a second. "I was angry. Time seems to have dulled that. With whom did you break-up?"

"Dorcas Meadowes." Vivian had no idea who Dorcas Meadowes was. "Actually, she broke up with me, after almost a year and a half. And I'm not looking to rebound."

"Then why did you convince Remus to let you come in his place? Why did you want to see me?"

"I… missed this."

Vivian nodded. "Rebound sex."

"No, not rebound sex."

"So it was subconscious. Interesting. Still, we have a hospital bed right there. All you have to do is ask."

"I thought Lucius would kill you."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "I was kidding, Sirius."

"About which part?"

"About having sex with you on the hospital bed."

Sirius shook his head. "That's too bad."

"I thought you didn't want to rebound. Who is Dorcas Meadowes?"

"She was in Gryffindor, a few years ahead of you. Tall, blond."

"How many years ahead of me?"

Sirius thought for a second. "Three."

"So you have a thing for older women. How did you meet?"

"I don't want to talk about it. And you don't really count as an older woman."

Vivian laughed. "I never said you had a thing for me." She cleared her throat. "Incidentally, I notice that you said Dorcas is a blonde."

"Oh, you caught that, did you?"

"I thought you liked brunettes."

"I have a certain fondness for brunettes, but I don't judge women based on their hair color."

"Well, I think you should." This elicited a genuine smile from him. Vivian noticed it was much less annoying than his smirk.

"Shouldn't you be working?"

"Yes, if you don't have any more medical questions."

"When was the last time I asked you a medical question?"

"Okay, in fairness, I rarely slack off like this, and I had a break coming anyway. And if Carl needed me he'd know where to find me. _And_ if you weren't here I'd probably be asleep."

"But you rarely slack off?"

"When there's work to be done. Do you have any medical questions, especially any to do with potions?"

"Yes, the Pepperup Potion, what exactly do you know about it?"

"Wow, you're stalling. That particular potion was invented by Glover Hipworth in 1798. It cures the common cold by-"

Sirius held up his hand. "I don't actually want to know, but now that I've asked you a job-related question, we have five more minutes for pointless chatter."

"Oh, what do you want to talk about?"

"Your work as a spy. Dumbledore says you're very good at it. He was surprised by your talent."

She didn't know how to take that. "Well, it's always nice to be underestimated."

"It's just that you had no training in it. He was worried about sending you out to Bellatrix and… Lucius. Of course, he probably didn't foresee you shagging Malfoy."

"That kills you, doesn't it? Actually, I don't think he did underestimate me in that regard. Clearly that is the strongest weapon in my arsenal. He thought you were endorsing me because you had fallen prey to my charms."

"Really? How did you get him to trust you?"

Vivian shrugged. "What was there really to trust me with? I have no contact with the Order. I have no information whatsoever about the Order. He can just take any information I pass on with a grain of salt and see if it's a trap or an ambush. The only thing I could do is turn in Benjy, and I would not do that to poor Benjy."

"Why? I mean why poor Benjy?"

"To clarify, I would not betray the Order in any way, but especially not Benjy. Benjy had a brilliant career as a potions brewer and he put that on hold because of me, because I needed a contact. He requested the training job, saying he wanted to go into semi-retirement. He hates it there. Poor Benjy. But we all have to make sacrifices, right?"

He nodded. "Right."

"How long ago did Dorcas break up with you?"

"I don't want to talk about her."

Vivian leaned forward and placed her chin in her hand. "Fascinating. Now I have to know."

"Why do you do that?"

"What"

"Repeat my exact words back to me."

"Um, you do it too, and far more often. This time was to point out that I didn't want to talk about Lucius and you 'had to know.'"

Sirius sighed. "Five weeks. And I had to know why you were glad I came. You think sex is the strongest weapon in your arsenal?"

Vivian sat back. "Well, I know that… Things changed when I started shagging Lucius. Information was so much easier to come by. Of course that well is starting to dry up."

"That is disgusting imagery."

Vivian wrinkled up her nose. "You are a disgusting person. I meant the _information_ well is-- You know what, I'm not even going there. I wonder if Evan would have been more forthcoming if I'd actually slept with him. It doesn't matter; Lucius knows more about You-Know-Who's plans anyway."

"He would have been more forthcoming though."

"And that is why I think sex is the strongest weapon in my arsenal."

"Yes, I see your point, but what about your cunning or levelheadedness?"

"Levelheadedness?"

"You rarely get flustered."

"True, because you're the only one who does that to me, right?" she replied sarcastically.

"Right."

"I don't think levelheadedness is a word."

"Well, it should be. Aren't you cool under pressure?"

"I manage. How pathetic is it that this is the best conversation I've had since—" She was about to say it was the best conversation since their last one, but she didn't want to be quite that pathetic. "—in a long time?"

"We were talking about rape a few minutes ago."

"Definitely the best conversation I've _ever_ had in which rape figured."

"It doesn't really surprise me that you enjoy our conversations. You are absolutely smitten with me."

"Are you going to crash all these consultations?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Well, no offense to Remus, but it is easier to talk to someone who knows my secret."

"What- Oh, the good witch thing."

Vivian was confused by his word choice. "As opposed to a bad witch?"

Sirius shrugged. "It's something Lily used to say all the time. 'Are you a good witch or a bad witch?' I think it might be a Muggle thing."

"I had a friend who was a Muggle once. I mean she was Muggleborn. She used to say crazy things."

"You were friends with a Muggleborn?"

"Adeline Stader. She was my partner in N.E.W.T. level Herbology. Narcissa wasn't in that class and Adeline had no one to partner with either. Wasn't she a Gryffindor?"

Sirius thought for a moment. "Oh, that Adeline. I remember her. She did say crazy things. She hated men. Wasn't she dating that one girl from Hufflepuff?"

"There were rumors. She didn't really- Well, maybe she did hate men a little bit. She thought women were superior to men. Actually, she may have been right about that. She was just funny; that's why I kept her around."

"What did she call it? That thing she was-"

"Feminism. You should really learn that word; it's creeping into the wizarding world now too. But she was particularly radical." Vivian grew pensive. "At least I thought she was at the time. Looking back some of the things she said made sense."

"Like what?"

"She said… that sex is the means of physiologically subjugating women. That sounded crazy then, but when I think about it…"

"Um, please don't get into any details of your sex life. If that statement makes sense to you, it's because Malfoy enjoys subjugating everyone."

"You may have a point there."

"As a man who's had sex, I know I have a point there."

She eyed him with curiosity. "That's good to know."

"I still don't want rebound sex."

"I'm still not offering. So, why did she break up with you? Is it because of the age difference?"

"That's a really personal question."

"I'm a really nosy person."

"I already told you, I don't want to talk about Dorcas. Do you want to talk about your father?"

"Sure. I don't know if Remus told you, but Severus moved in with me to get away from our father. Of course, Remus wouldn't know that was why, but still, even after I've moved out, Dad is screwing me over."

"Did he ever actually…"

"Actually what?" Suddenly realization dawned. "Oh, ew! No! He was never sexually abusive. I can be grateful about that at least. And thank you for putting that thought in my head."

"I just wasn't sure after what Adeline said. Because that could really screw you up about sex."

"I'm not screwed up about sex. I love sex. I just wish I had a better partner."

"See, now you're offering."

"No, I'm not. I still have a boyfriend. You're the one who's so desperate to get some of this." She made a sweeping gesture toward her body.

Sirius nodded absently. "Yeah, um, okay. Can I ask you a question?"

"Okay, why not? What do you want to know, Sirius?"

"Do you ever wonder about your biological parents? I mean, growing up with… that man—"

"Well, I do occasionally wonder, but they didn't want me. I wouldn't have been any better off with them. Well, maybe financially; I hear my real mother was a Dolohov. I think she's dead now. Galina Dolohov, have you heard anything about her?"

"Yeah, I think so. Didn't she move back to the Soviet Union about twenty years ago?"

"The story I was told is… Actually let me tell you the story as I heard it. First, I realized that it is practically impossible for my mother to have had both Severus and me due to our age difference. I realized it when someone pointed it out at my eleventh birthday party. One of the mothers asked Severus when his birthday was and pointed out that it was only eight months after mine. I confronted my mother with this. I was eleven throughout this entire story; bear that in mind. She told me the typical adoption spiel, 'We chose to love you and that makes you special.' Not that helpful, so I went to my father. A good rule of thumb is if you want to know something that's not being told to you, ask the drunk man. 'Ask your Uncle Alistair,' he slurred. Again, no major revelation, but he did give me a clue. Uncle Alistair knows something.

"It was two more months before I saw Uncle Alistair again. Finally, I got the opportunity to ask him. He hemmed and hawed, 'How should I know anything about your adoption?' And I told him that my father had said so. 'There's your first mistake. Never ask the drunk man.' That, of course, directly contradicts my rule, but as it turned out that Uncle Alistair had a wealth of information on the subject, my rule holds.

"Right, so good old Alistair tells me a tale of Galina Dolohov and a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, neglecting the fact that _he_ was that boy. It was really obvious in the way he told the story. They'd had a short affair, which resulted in a pregnancy. Galina went back to the Soviet Union to have the baby in secret and then sent it, I mean me, back to England to live with my real father. Here's where we depart from his original story, in which the boy had died. The rest is courtesy of my drunk father. My real father didn't want me, so he took me over to his sister's house and told her that either she could take me or he was going to leave me at St. Mungo's with a note saying I'm an orphan. She took me in and they raised me as their own. Uncle Alistair would come around occasionally and never said a word, either before or after. In fact, he was quite distant. It doesn't matter though. Uncle Alistair still doesn't— I mean, my home life wasn't great, but it was… home. They are my parents. I don't know how to explain this."

Sirius nodded. "No, I think I understand. So I guess that's why you have abandonment issues."

"Who says I have abandonment issues?"

"That's why you don't let anyone in, you're afraid of being abandoned."

"I thought it was because of my dad, that I'm afraid of being hurt. Merlin, you must think I'm an emotional basketcase."

"Well, you have to admit that it's a rather dramatic tale. Abandoned at birth, beaten by a drunken—"

"Wait." She cocked her head to the side. "You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be like my _mother_."

"What are you getting at?"

"We kids didn't bear the brunt of his alcoholic rages. That honor fell on my mother. And she could have left him or done something, anything, but she loved him. Whatever issues I have, they're not about Tobias Snape. When I found out that I was adopted, everything changed. I had hated him, but that was all shifted to the parents who abandoned me. At least Dad loved me and raised me as his own."

"So you blame your mother? You _are_ an emotional basketcase." Vivian opened her mouth to say something, but Sirius didn't give her the chance. "Well, I should let you get back to work now, but I am definitely crashing the next consultation, even if Remus is there." Sirius stood and Vivian quickly followed suit.

"You know, Remus thinks we slept together." For some reason, Vivian felt compelled to mention this fact.

"What? Did you tell him that?"

"Yes, I go around indiscriminately claiming I shagged random guys. No, it must've come somewhere from your reputation. It wasn't mine; I'm cold."

"I know where it came from. He told me to do whatever it takes to get you to talk about what you knew."

"Wow, I'm flattered. To think that Sirius Black was considering using me and I just offered up the information for free. What a missed opportunity!"

"I think your brother's sarcasm is rubbing off on you."

"Yeah, well, hopefully he'll get his own flat soon. Shall we go?"

Sirius gestured toward the door. "After you."

When they left the consultation room, Sara smiled. "I hope you enjoyed your time here, Mr. Black."

Vivian fixed her with a withering look. "This isn't a hotel, Sara."

Sara matched her glare. "I'm glad you realize that, Vivian."

Vivian heard Sirius chuckle behind her. She thought for a moment, but could not come up with a retort to that. So she bade Sirius goodbye and headed back to her job.

Upon arriving back at the laboratory, Vivian saw that Carl and Benjy were both asleep. She figured that was probably best for her, as they would not know how long she'd been gone. She also figured that this reflected very poorly on the competence of the potions staff.


	6. March 1979

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**  
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**Chapter 6**

_**March 1979**_

Remus just stared at Sirius. They were sitting in the Potters' living room, or rather Remus was sitting; Sirius was lounging on the floor. "She said she's working normal hours again. What's your excuse this time?"

"What do you mean?"

"Last time you said you should go in my place because you prefer to stay up late." His facial expression conveyed that he thought that was a flimsy excuse. "What's your excuse this time?"

"She's a fascinating person. I enjoy our conversations."

Remus smiled. "So you finally admit it."

"Admit what?"

"That you have a thing for her. She's not a good person. She has a boyfriend, and he's not a good person."

Sirius sat up and leaned against the couch. "I already told you, she supports You-Know-Who out of fear. She's scared of him. It's perfectly reasonable."

"She thinks we should enslave Muggleborns."

James walked out of the kitchen in time to hear this. He had become especially protective of Muggleborns since marrying one himself. "Who said that?"

Sirius sighed. "Vivian Snape. I'm sure she didn't mean it though."

Remus looked up at James. "He's admitted that he fancies her."

"No, I haven't."

James settled on the couch, passing out butterbeers. "I don't think she's worthy of you, mate."

Sirius opened his mouth to defend her, but Remus cut him off. "Is she with Lucius out of fear?"

Sirius hated it when they ganged up on him like this. At least Peter wasn't there. _Where is Peter anyway? _"So she likes rich, powerful men. What woman doesn't, really?"

"Why are you making excuses for her?" James asked.

"Because maybe she is a good person. Look what she's doing for Remus."

"You know, I don't believe you when you say you didn't sleep with her," said Remus.

"Wait, no, I'm not going to let you gloss over this huge favor she's doing for you."

"I'm a halfblood. The real question is how does she treat Muggleborns." James nodded in agreement.

"She had a Muggleborn friend once. In Herbology."

"It scares me that you know that. Is there anything you two haven't talked about?" asked Remus.

"Do you remember who her brother is? Do you really want to marry into that family?"

"James, just because you are happily married does not mean that I am looking to settle down. I just want to go to Remus's consultation."

"She has a boyfriend."

"Remus already pointed that out."

"Well, did he point out that you can't trust her? The only thing better than a married Malfoy is a single Black."

"A single, _disowned_ Black?" He held up his hand to stop James's next comment. "I don't trust her and I don't fancy her. I just… want to talk to her!" Remus nodded knowingly. "And I didn't have sex with her either. She offered and I turned her down. She sort of offered. It was complicated. But I did turn her down, several times."

"Sort of offered several times? What does that even mean?" asked Remus.

"We were talking about my break-up with Dorcas and—"

James held up his hand to cut Sirius off. "You talked to her about Dorcas? You, uh, never talk about the break-up."

"Okay, no. I just told her that I was going through a break-up with Dorcas. I didn't go into details. I'm not… Vivian just has a side that you don't know." Sirius wanted to tell them that Vivian was a spy. Normally he had no secrets from James, Remus, or Peter, but it did not seem like he had a right to tell her secret.

He was weighing his options when Remus said, "Actually, Sirius is right. She can be really nice when she wants to be. Fine, you can come. I'd like to see this side you elicit in her."

"Great. When are we going?"

"Tomorrow."

-----

Peter looked around to make sure no one else was in the room. Then he transformed back into his human form. Again, he looked around the Dark Lord's lair. Most of the Death Eaters called it the headquarters, but Peter found "lair" to be a much more apt name. He didn't associate with Death Eaters anyway. He preferred to do his work in secret, in the shadows. It had been nearly eight months since he turned to the dark side, but he still wasn't comfortable coming here. Peter actually avoided the lair whenever possible, only going there when called. He was slightly annoyed that the Dark Lord was making him wait, but he would never say so. He wasn't the type to speak up. In fact, he was, and always had been, quite content with his role as a toady. His annoyance grew, however, when he heard voices and the sound of footsteps approaching. He quickly transformed back into a rat and scurried to a corner of the room.

It was Bellatrix and Lucius. The first sentence Peter could make out was, "Honestly, Lucius, I don't why you're talking to me about this."

"Because you asked." Lucius sounded very irritated. "And I want it to be clear that when Arthur Weasley is killed, it will be by my hand."

"I merely suggested—"

"I know what you were suggesting." Lucius snapped.

Suddenly the Dark Lord came in and, as Peter listened to them act like children vying for daddy's attention, he thought that maybe he was missing out on something by not attending the Death Eater meetings. Of course, if he did, word might get back to James, Remus or Sirius, and that would be unacceptable. He wished they could see the benefits of siding with the Dark Lord. He had tried to feel them out a few times, but unfortunately they still clung to their outdated notions of morality. Finally, Lucius and Bellatrix were sent away and it was his turn to address the Dark Lord. He pushed the thoughts of his friends from his mind and transformed yet again.

-----

Vivian was frustrated. Lucius still was not talking to her the way he used to, and now Benjy was doing his strong, silent thing. "Come on, you're a man. Tell me what to do."

"Vivian, I really don't know what to tell you."

Just then Carl walked in. This made Vivian even more frustrated. "You have people here for a consultation. Why are Remus Lupin and Sirius Black consulting you anyway?"

Vivian hesitated. "I… accidentally became privy to an embarrassing health issue of theirs. Now rather than have to tell another healer… I really shouldn't waste their time. I need to go." She rushed out of the laboratory.

"Do you realize what that sounded like?" Sirius asked her.

Vivian started to walk toward the consultation area. "Yes, I do, and it wasn't intentional. I'll try to straighten it out later. So, both of you are here this time. I'm afraid I don't have good news."

"That's what you said in your note," said Remus.

"Right, I wanted you to be prepared. It's actually really bad news, but I think we should wait to talk about it in private." She stopped in front of Sara's desk. "I'd like a consultation room please."

Before Sara could respond, Sirius strode up to the desk. "Sara, it's so wonderful to see you again."

She blushed. "You too, Mr. Black."

"Please call me Sirius."

As Sirius continued to flirt with Sara, Remus leaned in and whispered to Vivian. "I think he's just trying to prove to me that he doesn't fancy you."

Vivian looked over at Remus, surprised by what he had said. "Are telling me not to be jealous? We really aren't invol- Thank you, but I'm not jealous. I think flirting just comes naturally to him."

Remus smiled. "That's true."

Sirius turned to them. "We're in room three."

Once in the room, Vivian noticed that there were only two chairs. She was about to conjure a third for herself when Sirius sat on the edge of the bed.

"Why don't you and Sara get along? She seems delightful."

"Well, Sirius, that's an interesting question. She hates me because of something I didn't even do. Apparently her brother asked out Narcissa and she laughed and said she wouldn't date a halfblood or a Hufflepuff. So, you see, that's not my fault. Except that I was there, and I laughed too." Remus looked uncomfortable so she added. "Because of the Hufflepuff thing. I don't have a problem with halfbloods." Remus eyed her suspiciously. "My brother is a halfblood! And it was five years ago! And I know that Narcissa is intimidating and it took a lot of courage for that poor boy to-"

"Don't worry, Remus forgives you. She went to Hogwarts? I don't remember her."

"She's quite a few years older than you. I'm thinking Lucius's year, Hufflepuff as well, but I'm not sure. I think she's seeing someone." Vivian heard Remus stifle a snigger. "Anyway, I don't have a lot of time for chitchat today." She turned to Remus. "There is really bad news on the potion front, but no one is supposed to know. You have to swear that you won't say a word about this. Not even to James, because James might tell Lily and Lily might tell… I don't know who Lily talks to, but it can't get out. This is top secret. I could lose my job if word gets out."

Remus glanced over at Sirius. "We understand."

"Well, it turns out my friend in experimental potions was wrong about the potion being ready to test. This is totally classified"—Remus and Sirius nodded—"but there was a human trial this last full moon. The subject… I should not even be telling you this."

Sirius was getting impatient. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, just say it!"

"He died, and the hospital is covering it up."

Remus buried his face in his hands. "Does this mean the potion isn't going to happen?"

"It doesn't look good. However, they are still working on it, and they think they know where they went wrong. You know, it's very difficult to create a new potion."

"Do you know anything else?" Sirius asked.

"I know some more details, but I don't know if you'd really be interested in-"

"We want to know everything you know."

Vivian sighed. "Okay, but we are clear on this cover-up, right? Not a word."

"Yes."

"And I just want to remind you that I had nothing to do with it. I don't work with these people. In fact, that witch is not even really my friend. That said, apparently there's a laboratory in West Germany that is having some breakthroughs in this area as well. There _may_ have been some pressure from the Ministry to finish it first and the researchers _may_ have cut corners. And then there was this private apothecary, Belby, who has made some progress on his own. You see, the Ministry funds our laboratory here and they— the Ministry— really wanted to be able to say that… Anyway, our researchers are now collaborating with this private apothecary. And it looks like the potion's going to end up being far more complicated than they were hoping."

"Do they have any kind of a timetable set up?" asked Sirius.

Vivian realized that Sirius was asking the questions that Remus was too shook up to ask for himself. She looked over at Remus. He was still sitting with his head in his hands. "No, they really don't know how long this is going to take. Remus, are you okay?"

Remus looked up and gave a heavy sigh. "Yes. Is that all you know?"

"Er, yeah. I think so."

"Okay, let's change the subject."

Vivian smiled. "Remus, this isn't a social call. I'm thrilled that you two find me so interesting to talk to, but I'm supposed to be working." Sirius shot her a look that somehow implied that this was part of her job. "But I guess… a small digression may be okay. You choose the topic, Remus."

"How's it going with Lucius?"

"That's an odd topic. They're not going that well actually. Hey, you're men. Can I ask you two a relationship question?"

Remus looked over at Sirius. Sirius shrugged and said, "I guess so."

"Okay, well, without getting into too much detail, Lucius… never talks to me anymore. All he wants to do is- Anyway I've complained and he says he'll work on it, but he still doesn't talk to me about _anything_."

Sirius nodded understanding her emphasis on "anything."

Remus said, "That's not a question."

"Right, well the thing is that I really got into the relationship because of the talking and I've told him that too. How do I get him to talk to me again? If I nag him or try to withhold sex he might just leave me."

Remus cocked his head to the side. "Well, if you're not satisfied with the relationship, and he's not willing to fix it, then why are you still holding on? How long has it been like this?"

Vivian was trying to think back when she noticed that Sirius had turned pale. "What's wrong with him?"

Remus glanced over. "He probably doesn't want to think about you shagging Malfoy. He fancies you, you know."

"Oh, Sirius, you know that if-" She cut herself off, partly because of Remus, but also because she was not sure what she wanted to say.

Remus looked fascinated. "If what? Don't stop on my account."

"Does he really fancy me? Because he's turned me down several times."

"Yeah, he mentioned that. He hasn't-"

"Does it matter?" Sirius cut in. "She wasn't going to say that she'd leave Lucius for me. And I understand where she's coming from. Losing Lucius isn't a good option for her. Do you have access to Malfoy Manor?"

She shook her head. "Hardly ever."

"Ask him questions. Tell him that you miss hearing about his… exploits. Tell him… Tell him it makes you hot. Trust me, that will work."

Remus stared at his friend. "You think she should tell him that hearing about murder and torture makes her hot?"

"It's Malfoy."

Remus thought for a second. "Good point. Tell him that. Can I ask you a question now?"

"Uh, sure."

"Why would it matter if you had access to Malfoy Manor? And why do you want to hear about his exploits?"

"Both good questions." She looked toward Sirius for help, but he just bit his lip and shrugged.

"Yeah, and why isn't losing him a good option?" Remus paused. "You can start answering anytime."

"I… I'm in love with him, Remus. I don't want to lose him. Access to Malfoy Manor would help me…" She hit herself in the forehead with the heel of her hand, but that did not help her think either. "I don't know what Sirius meant by that. Ask him."

Remus turned to Sirius. "Well?"

"Oh, what I meant was that… She doesn't love him; she loves his money. Access to his mansion might help appease her."

Vivian started to laugh.

"Why is that funny? He just- There is something weird going on between you two."

"And anyway," Vivian said, ignoring Remus's perplexed expression. "getting him to talk about his exploits is the first step toward getting him to talk more. He's particularly proud of his work for the Dark Lord."

"See, the way you just say that to us. Lucius is a Death Eater. Shouldn't that be a secret?"

She gasped. "Oh, you're right, Remus. I shouldn't have said that. What is wrong with me?"

"I don't know. Sirius said that you rarely let things slip. Specifically, that I could trust you with my secret."

"That's true, not that you had a choice. I let it slip that Lucius is a Death Eater because I knew that you already knew that. There's a difference. You see, with-"

Sirius cut in. "Oh, don't get her started on semantics. She has perfected the art."

"I will admit that I'm usually less guarded around Sirius, for some reason. If anything is going to slip, it'll be to him. And he already knows about you." Vivian said.

Remus looked back and forth. "You- You two- Why won't you leave Malfoy for him?"

Sirius appeared uncomfortable. "No offense, Remus, but I think that's between Vivian and myself. She's a… You know that she… We're fighting a war here, against her people. It wouldn't work out. She needs to be with someone like Lucius."

Vivian was unsure how to handle this conversation. Suddenly, all she wanted was for it to end. "Anyway, Sirius, Remus, I hope that I was of help to you and feel free to stop by and ask me any questions relating to the potion, or any healing potion. I hope that this digression has successfully calmed you, Remus. However, I need to get back to work now." She stood and opened the door, hoping Remus wouldn't ask any more questions.

To her relief, Remus walked out, but Sirius called out to him that he would be out in a minute and closed the door. She realized a second too late that in doing so he had managed to pin her against the wall. "That wasn't really very smart bringing it up in front of Remus."

She couldn't remember if she had ever been this close to him before. She was having trouble regulating her breathing, but she managed to speak evenly. "Excuse me? I was just asking for relationship advice. _You_ kept saying things to make Remus suspicious. What does Malfoy Manor have to do with anything?"

Sirius grinned, and for some reason it made her feel uncomfortable. Was it her imagination, or had he just leaned in even closer to her? "I was trying to help you. You should have been able to handle the conversation; you're the professional."

"Well, I can when—" Then he was kissing her. Knowing right from the start that she should not be kissing Sirius Black, Vivian still closed her eyes and savored the sensation of his mouth on hers. It took a great effort for her to push him away and say, "Re- Remus is waiting for you." As he moved to open the door, she spoke again. "And we—You can't just going around kissing me, you know. I'm—If Lucius—That is to say, I thought that you understood—Never mind, just go."

Upon the opening of the door, Vivian saw Remus leaning over Sara's desk. He looked behind him and straightened. "Bad news, mate. She is seeing someone."

Sara bit her lip and smiled shyly at Sirius. "It's true."

"Isn't that just my luck? They're always unavailable." Sirius gave Vivian a pointed look. She knew that if she were the kind of person who blushed, her cheeks would be turning red at that moment.

"Well, thank you, Vivian. This was a delightful visit," said Remus, with a hint of sarcasm, as he and Sirius turned to leave.

Once they were out of sight, Vivian started back toward the laboratory, but was stopped by a soft, unsure voice.

"Can I ask you a potions question?"

Vivian turned around, amazed that Sara was asking her for help. "Certainly, as long as you realize that I am only a trainee and not fully qualified to—"

Sara cut her off. "I'm sure you're familiar with the anti-conception potions. What if… someone missed one? What are the chances of pregnancy?"

Vivian was even more taken aback that Sara would come to her with something so personal. "There are factors that would increase or decrease the likelihood, but all in all, it's not that likely. Although, it is still possible."

"What if it was more like five or six potions?"

"Consecutively?" Sara nodded. "That does increase the likelihood a bit. Again, timing is a big factor, but I wouldn't worry until there were some symptoms."

"What if the person was six days late?"

"Sara, if you give me all the information to begin with… Think back. Does the time when you would be getting pregnant really line up with this lapse in potion taking?"

For a second Vivian thought Sara was going to cry, but she didn't. "I honestly can't remember."

"I would wait a couple more days to make sure it's not a fluke, and then see a healer."

Vivian was about to leave, when, again, she was stopped by Sara speaking. "He's a Muggle. What am I going to tell him?"

"I think Muggles understand about pregnancies."

"No, I mean what am I going to tell him about… How do I tell him that I'm a witch and that this baby will be one too?"

"That I can't really help you with."

"He took me to meet his parents. That's why I wasn't taking the potion. How could I make a potion at his parents' house? Muggles don't drink murky, green things."

"Er, Sara, why are you telling me this?"

Sara's head snapped up. "What? I— I don't know. I'm just really worried about it."

"You know who you should talk to, someone who has married a Muggle. They would know how to have that conversation." Vivian purposefully "forgot' to mention that her mother was one such person.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because I am a nice person. Why is that so hard for people to believe?"

"You're having an affair with your best friend's husband, Lucius Malfoy, who is the cruelest son of a—"

"Right, I have to go now. Good luck with that whole Muggle thing." Vivian turned quickly on her heel and headed for the laboratory.

When she arrived there Carl opened his mouth to speak, but Vivian held up a hand to stop him. "Sirius and Remus are not gay."

-----

It was finally happening. After eight months, Severus was finally moving into his own house. Using money from the Death Eater coffers, the Dark Lord had set Severus up in a place more suitable for potion research. Vivian would have been slightly offended if it weren't for the fact that she now had her living room and kitchen back. Or at least she would as soon as all of Severus's stuff was gone. Vivian sat on the floor and surveyed the living room. How had she not noticed before how many things Severus had? She had been passing him the last of it through the Floo network for the last half hour. Every time she thought she was done she found something else of his. From where she was sitting Vivian could see a book that had been pushed under the couch, which was odd because she had looked under that couch five times already. Still feeling dizzy from all the Flooing, Vivian tried to make out the tiny words on the binding. _What Went Wrong: Troubleshooting for Even the Most Difficult Potions. _Since when had Severus ever needed a troubleshooting guide? She reached for her wand, realizing too late that it was on the kitchen table. So instead of summoning the book to her, she scooted over to the couch and reached for it. She was about to open the cover when she heard Severus's voice come from behind her.

"Did we get everything?"

She held up the book for him to see. "Is this yours?"

"Yes, actually it is."

Vivian turned around to look at her brother's head, which was floating in the fireplace. "Having trouble with your potions?" she asked innocently.

"No. Hold on." Severus pulled his head out of the fireplace. Ten seconds later Vivian heard a loud crack outside her door and Severus walked in. "It's a reference guide."

"I know that."

He took the book out of her hand. "No, I mean for my research. I thought it would be helpful to study the accidents and their effects."

Vivian got to her feet. "What are you researching?"

"A potion for the Dark Lord."

Vivian smiled. He was being deliberately vague. "I see. And what effects are you hoping it will have?"

"That's top secret Death Eater business. If you want to know more, you should become a Death Eater."

"Wow, I haven't heard that since I broke up with Evan. I don't want to be a Death Eater."

"But you want to know everything we do. Did it ever occur to you that it would be safer for you to be kept in the dark?"

"I'm just curious. These things fascinate me, but I understand if it's a secret."

"Everything we do should be secret. Lucius is just an idiot to shoot his mouth off."

Vivian cocked her head to the side and smiled. She did not know how to manipulate the conversation or where to lead it. He wasn't at all suspicious of her. "He shoots his mouth off to _me_. It's not like he's going around telling everyone everything."

"He's very indiscreet where you're concerned. He told Rosier that he was having an affair with you."

"That's because he was only with me to rub it in Evan's face. Evan would have to know for that to work."

"You know about that?"

"I figured it out. Do you know why, what Evan did?" she asked eagerly.

"Yes, but it's a Death Eater secret."

"Since when are you all about secrecy? You used to tell me things all the time."

"So you don't care that Lucius was using you? I figured you didn't know."

"And you didn't bother to tell me. That's great, Severus." Vivian suddenly realized that Bellatrix would have known too. That made Vivian feel so stupid for telling her that she was in love with Lucius. "I could kind of tell in the beginning, but it's not like that now. He's not still with me for Evan's sake. Unless it was that bad. What did he do?"

"It was rather bad. He screwed up a mission and made Lucius look bad. Lucius, as the leader, received a Cruciatus Curse. You don't quickly forget the Cruciatus."

Something didn't quite add up to Vivian. "So he stole Evan's girlfriend? That doesn't seem reciprocal."

"He shagged Evan's girlfriend. Everyone now thinks of her as a whore. Lucius proved she… is a whore, but she wouldn't even sleep with Rosier."

"Does talking about her in third person help you pretend it's not me?"

"A little."

"Still, that doesn't make sense. It's not as bad a Cruciatus."

"Lucius couldn't reciprocate in any normal way. It would look like he was trying to shift blame. That would have been worse for him. It's not the same. I'm sure it's barely satisfactory for Lucius, but Rosier considered himself quite talented with women. The fact that you kept putting him off was a sore spot for him and Lucius poured salt in the wound."

Although the conversation had shifted, Vivian wasn't sure if she was happy with where it had gone. She had to remind herself that she was just using Lucius and it didn't matter why the opportunity had presented itself. "Barely satisfactory for Lucius? He gets to have sex with me."

Severus made a face. "Please, that's disgusting. This whole conversation disgusts me. Listening to Lucius at the meetings… It made me wish I could shag his sister just to make him understand how disturbing it is to hear about."

"Too bad Portia's—" Vivian swallowed an insulting comment—"um, not going to go for that."

"You know, Vivian, you can do better than Lucius."

This took Vivian completely by surprise. "I thought you worshiped Lucius."

Severus sat in the armchair. "Maybe I did, but I don't anymore. I was a child. Lucius is just as fallible as anyone else."

"Trust me, I of all people realize that."

There was a long, slightly awkward pause before Vivian said, "Let's look around for anything else of yours. I want this to be the final 'last trip.'"


	7. April 1979

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**  
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**A/N:** I know that it's been forever since I updated, but I promise that there will be a few more updates within the month. I promise.**  
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**Chapter 7**

_**April 1979**_

It was exactly like Lucius to do something like this.

He and Vivian had just finished having sex. She was lying on her side with her head on his shoulder, and he was absently running his fingers through her hair. He spoke suddenly, startling Vivian. "Narcissa's pregnant."

Vivian lifted her head and smiled. "Congratulations!"

"Yeah, we're really happy. I'm hoping it's a boy. Rudolphus said…"

Vivian tuned out as he started to babble. Some aspect of his tone alerted Vivian to the fact that something was wrong. She wondered what it was. From what she knew, Lucius and Narcissa had been trying to have an heir since their wedding night. She waited patiently for him to get to the point.

"Anyway, I've been thinking about this a bit and I think that now that Narcissa's pregnant, you and I should stop seeing each other."

Vivian sat straight up. A voice in her head was yelling, _Take this badly. You should take it badly,_ at the same time that another voice was telling her that he had no right to do this to her and yet another reminded her that Sirius was available. She put her hands on the sides of her head, trying to relieve the headache she was getting. "Oh, wow, that came out of nowhere."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just… No, I'm not okay! I can't believe you're breaking up with me. I can't believe you slept with me and then broke up with me." She swatted at him with her hand. "You are such a bastard!"

"Vivian,-"

"No, why now? How does Narcissa getting pregnant change anything?"

"Narcissa feels that—"

"Oh, you said _you_ were thinking. It makes more sense now."

"Don't interrupt me."

"The only person I don't interrupt is Bellatrix."

"I'm capable of using the Cruciatus too."

"What? So first you break up with me, then you threaten to curse me. You—" She held up her hands as though she wanted to strangle him, then made a show of calming herself. She continued talking in a much more collected voice. "I'm not taking this well, Lucius. I think you should leave."

"Why?"

Vivian purposefully let her cool slip a little. "_Why?_ You're asking me why? Because you just broke up with me. It seems to me that when…" She collected herself again. "that if we're no longer in a relationship, then you shouldn't be in my bed. I need time to deal with this."

"Okay." Lucius got up and started to dress.

"Wait." Vivian sighed. "Is there any way I can talk you out of this?" She was now kneeling on the bed with her sheet wrapped around her.

Lucius shrugged. "You could try."

Vivian decided she had ten seconds to figure out whether to try or to throw a pillow at him. "Try with words?"

Lucius looked her up and down, so she chose to throw the pillow. It hit him in the head. She almost laughed at the expression on his face, but remembered that she was supposed to be angry.

"Why did you do that?"

"Because you were going to have sex with me again and then break up with me anyway. All you care about is sex."

"You're my mistress. I don't know why you don't understand that that is a sexual role."

"Well, I'm not your mistress anymore." She paused. "This has nothing to do with Narcissa getting pregnant. That was just a convenient excuse for her. We were together for so long that she started to get nervous."

Lucius shook his head. "Narcissa knows that you're not a threat to her."

"Yeah, you should just leave. You never understood the balance between… Here's some advice for the next time you have a mistress: Without actually saying it, lead her to believe that you might someday leave Narcissa for her. Trust me, it'll make all the difference."

Lucius rolled his eyes, as if he thought she was being childish. "I'm sorry it had to end this way."

Vivian laughed so hard she fell over. Lucius pulled on his shoes and left without another word. On his way out, he looked over at her as if she were suffering from a mental breakdown.

When he was gone, she sat up suddenly. What was she going to do now? This wasn't the worst thing to happen. She probably should have moved on months ago. She wondered how hard it would be to find another Death Eater lover. She had a feeling that Lucius would make some ridiculous statement that would make it known that she was untouchable. Of course, that was probably just ego talking. She made a mental list of acceptable marks. There weren't that many, and none were as good as Lucius. She wondered if she could get Evan back.

-----

At work the next day, Vivian asked Benjy for his advice. He advised her, as always, to slow down. He thought she should wait before finding a new boyfriend, but by the third day, Vivian was getting impatient. She had a feeling that something big was going to happen and now she was on the outside.

Vivian looked up from her lunch. Sara had just sat at the table with her. Vivian was about to ask her why when Sara started to speak in low, hushed tones.

"I am pregnant. And I tried to tell my boyfriend, but he proposed to me before I had a chance. Then in the excitement, I forgot to tell him about the baby."

"Er, Sara,—"

"No, no, don't worry. I remembered eventually. He knows, but I couldn't tell him about the magic thing."

"Sara, we're not friends."

Sara looked taken aback and started to stand. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"No, Sara, sit down. I didn't mean that… in a mean way. I just— I thought that you hated me. I'm a little confused as to why you're here."

Sara sank back into her seat. "You're right. We're not friends and we're never going to be friends. I wanted to talk to someone different. I want someone to talk me out of marrying Patrick, and since I no longer think you're an evil bitch, I thought it could be you."

Suddenly, Vivian was interested. "Why would I talk you out of it?"

"Because he's a Muggle."

"Oh, right. Well, if you're having doubts, it's okay to call off the engagement without getting a second opinion."

"I'm not having doubts exactly. I just want to see if my resolve could withstand your attack on him."

"It's been my experience that personal attacks strengthen a person's resolve. And I'm not going to attack…"

"Patrick."

"Patrick. I don't even know him."

"But he's a Muggle."

"It's true that, as a point of history, Muggle-Wizarding world relations have not been entirely peaceful. There's a good chance that if you told Patrick, he would be less than receptive to the news."

"Word it more strongly."

"Sara, I don't know what to tell you. I personally have a Muggle for a father. There is a culture gap that I don't think my parents ever successfully overcame. But you're a halfblood, maybe it would be easier for you than it was for my mother. It'll be difficult regardless. He'll never really understand our world. He'll never really fit in."

"So you think it's doomed?"

"I didn't say that. That's something you and he have to decide together."

"No, say— Oh." Sara looked exasperated. "I want you to talk me out of it. Is that so hard to understand?"

Vivian smiled. "Sara, I don't know anything about him except that he's a Muggle."

"He's Irish. I would have to move to Ireland."

"He lives in Ireland?"

"Yes."

"Why on earth would you start a long-term relationship with a Muggle who lives so far away? You don't like things easy, do you?"

Sara shrugged, as if she didn't understand what the problem was. "Well, with apparation, it's not all that difficult."

"Wait, does he think you live in Ireland?"

"Yes, but can you start talking me out of this now?"

Vivian thought for a second. "The only thing I can think of is the culture gap."

"You are completely useless." Sara got up and walked away.

Vivian wondered if this Ireland development would mean that Sara would be leaving her job. She figured not because life wouldn't be that kind.

-----

Vivian sat in her living room. It had been a week since the break-up and she didn't want to wait any longer. She was going over what she wanted to say to Evan one last time before going to see him when there was a knock at her door.

She opened it to find Sirius standing in the doorway. He pushed past her into the flat. It looked as though he'd been crying, and it smelled as though he'd been drinking.

"I just thought you'd like to know that Adeline Stader is dead."

Vivian gasped. "Adeline? Was she— Why would they kill her?"

Sirius sat on the couch. "She was a Muggleborn. What more reason did he need?"

"Who was it?"

"Wilkes."

Vivian hadn't spoken to Adeline since they had left school, and they had only been friends in the loosest sense of the word. Still, this was the first person Vivian had really known who had been killed in this war. She felt lightheaded and sat in the armchair. "Why though? Was it just random? 'There's a mudblood; I think I'll kill her.'"

"As far as I can tell, yes. Wilkes made an attempt on… Dorcas's life a few days ago--" Sirius's voice cracked when he said Dorcas's name.—"and he failed spectacularly because she was… She was a wonderful…" Vivian caught the past tense and realized why Sirius's eyes were bloodshot. "Anyway, he failed and was, we're thinking, punished and decided to let off some steam by killing a Muggleborn."

"What happened to Dorcas?" she asked gently, wondering if he would still refuse to talk about her.

"She was killed by You-Know-Who personally. I guess if you want something done right…" He took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it was two days ago. I've coped."

"I know that you cared deeply for her. It's okay if—"

"I don't want to talk about Dorcas."

"All right, so you came to tell me about Adeline. Thank you."

Sirius sighed. "Actually I came here to attack you for supporting those people, but then I remembered that you're one of the good guys."

"Oh."

"I was going to ask you how you could stay with Lucius given that— I just forgot for a minute."

"I'm not actually with Lucius anymore. He broke it off." Vivian didn't know why she felt the need to make that clear. The man was obviously grieving.

"Why?"

"Because Narcissa's pregnant. As if that even makes sense."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to find someone else. Someone single this time."

"What if… What if I want rebound sex now?"

The abruptness of his question startled Vivian. "Actually I meant a single Death Eater."

"I know, but you're single now. We don't have to worry about Lucius anymore." He leaned forward. "I want you, Vivian."

Vivian shook her head. "No, you don't. You want to get your mind off of what's happened. You want… That's not even rebound sex; it's grieving sex."

Sirius smiled hollowly. "It doesn't matter what you call it. Rebounding and grieving are the same thing."

"You'll regret it in the morning, because Dorcas will still be dead. Sex isn't going to change that and it isn't going to hurt less."

"This isn't about Dorcas. She and I had already broken up. _We_ were flirting. This is a natural progression. It has nothing to do with her."

Vivian hesitated. "I don't think you are coping with her death. You'd rather have sex than talk about it. It sounds like you're avoiding it."

"That's what men do."

"Can I say something?"

Sirius shrugged. "It's your flat."

"I was thinking that maybe you feel like you don't have the right to grieve as deeply as you want to because of the break-up. It's okay to grieve for your ex-girlfriend."

"Yes, that's what James told me, and that's what Remus told me, and Peter and Lily too. I'm not here to talk about Dorcas or to grieve for her."

"Right, because we're not friends. You just want to—"

"We are friends. I'm just not in the mood to talk about my feelings."

"I'm not going to sleep with you."

"That's what you say now."

Vivian shook her head. "You can't seduce me."

"I love a challenge."

"No, that wasn't a challenge. That's me telling you not to try. So, flirting is your comfort zone, isn't it?"

"Are you analyzing me? That is so cute."

"Well, it just occurred to me that I've bared my soul to you, but you've never told me anything personal. I think it's time I ask questions."

"What makes you think I'll be any more forthcoming now?"

Vivian leaned forward in her chair. "Because you're trying to seduce me. Full disclosure is very sexy. Details make me hot."

"You have a knack for…" He trailed off, unable to find the right words.

"For what?"

"Getting people to do what you want. That's why you're a good spy."

It was only then Vivian remembered that he'd had alcohol on his breath. He hadn't slurred or stumbled, but he was clearly a little intoxicated. "So you will actually tell me anything I want to know in hopes that I'll have sex with you?"

"No, but it was a good try."

Vivian smiled. "You would have if I hadn't put it like that."

"Why don't you come sit by me on the couch?"

"Sirius, honestly, what do we really have to talk about?"

"Tell me about your job. How much work is there really for potions healers?"

"Well, you may not realize this, but eighty-seven percent of all our patients require some type of potion or salve at some point in their stay."

"That is fascinating."

"I know what you're doing. You're feigning interest because I said I was drawn to you by the way you listen to me."

"You're very perceptive."

Vivian stood and walked over to the couch. She knew that the moment she sat down she would be opening herself up to his seduction and she sat down anyway. "Lucius's ploys were so much more obvious, but I pretended I had no idea what he was doing. It's so great to be with someone with whom I can say, 'I'm not an idiot.' Not 'with someone' in the— never mind."

"How did you seduce Lucius anyway?"

"I didn't seduce him; he seduced me. Well, he didn't seduce me, but he made the first move."

"And what was that?"

"He put his hand on my thigh. And before you put your hand on my thigh, I want to remind you that I'm still not an idiot."

"Neither am I. You came over here. You want to be seduced."

"I…" Vivian bit her lip.

"And now you're biting your lip to bring attention to your mouth. You have nice lips, by the way."

"I still think you're avoiding the issue."

Sirius leaned in closer. "Is that really so bad? I'm in pain, Vivian. Won't you please comfort me?"

"That was so corny—" Yet Vivian felt shivers run through her body. "--But effective. Just tell me, flirting is your crutch, isn't it?"

Sirius smiled a slow, seductive smile. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"What makes you think I'm a one night stand kind of woman?"

"What makes you think I'm looking for a one night stand?"

That surprised Vivian. "Because this isn't how you ask someone out."

"Do you want to go out sometime?"

Vivian laughed. "I can't."

"Can I kiss you? I just want to kiss you."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "Sirius, I know—" She was going to tell him that she knew that the kiss would lead to touching which would lead to sex, but he stopped the words with his mouth. As she predicted, it wasn't long until his hands started to wander, and before she knew it they were in the bedroom and she was wondering why she had held out for so long.

However moments after Vivian had been relieved of her clothing, she heard a noise come from the living room. "There's someone out there," Vivian whispered. "Stay here." She grabbed a sheet from the bed and wrapped it around herself. Clutching her wand, Vivian opened the bedroom door. When she saw who was in the living room, she shut the door quickly behind her and stepped farther into the room. "Lucius! Why are you here?"

"I came to see you."

"Wait, but you broke in?"

Lucius waved his hand. The breaking and entering was obviously inconsequential to him. "What were you doing?"

Vivian looked down at her sheet. "Sleeping."

Lucius's expressionless eyes seemed to bore into hers. "With who?"

"Lucius, we broke up. I don't see how that's any—" As she talked, Lucius walked past her to the bedroom. Vivian looked at the wand in her hand, but knew she wasn't going to curse him. She walked up behind him and was relieved to see that Sirius was dressed and sitting on the bed.

"Hi, Vivian. Did you know that you have anti-disapparation wards up in your bedroom?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Lucius's drawl. "She was too lazy to differentiate between anti-apparation and disapparation wards, or to do anything fancy like person recognition."

Vivian pushed past him and stood by the bed. "Charms aren't really my thing." She tried to think her way out of this, but nothing came to mind.

"You know, Sirius, it's odd to me that you're with Vivian when a month ago she said she thought the Dark Lord's work is commendable. She was specifically fond of the mudblood killings."

Vivian decided she certainly wasn't going to get herself killed over this. "Fond may be too strong of a word. But--" She turned to Sirius. "--I'm not too broken up about it."

"Not too broken up? You're a healer. Aren't you supposed to save lives?"

"Lives that matter, Sirius." She hoped he knew that this was for Lucius's sake.

"That's horrible. That isn't even… God, you're such a cold-hearted bitch."

"And you are a disgrace to purebloods everywhere and to the Black name. In fact, they should have forced you to change your surname when they disowned you."

"To what, Snape? That name certainly doesn't carry any clout."

Outwardly, Vivian was seething. "We may not have money or power, but at least we— I can't believe I slept with you." Sirius raised his eyebrows. "I hate you."

"The feeling's mutual."

"Yeah, well… Get off my bed!" Sirius stood and Vivian sat down.

Lucius, who had been watching this exchange with interest, finally spoke up. "How _did_ you two end up in bed together?"

Vivian looked up at him. "Oh, Lucius, I can't even explain it. We were arguing and suddenly there was this unbelievable sexual tension." She hoped Lucius wouldn't ask why or where they had been arguing.

"Passions were flaring. Right before it happened, I didn't know if I wanted to kiss her or kill her," added Sirius.

"I mean there really is a thin line between—"

"Love and hate."

"Lust and hate. I don't love you. Don't finish my sentences."

"I don't take orders from you."

"Why are you still here? I want you out of my flat."

Sirius adopted a boyish grin. "You're just saying that because loverboy is here."

"Don't—" Vivian turned to Lucius. "Why _are _you here, Lucius?

"I heard that since the break-up you've been acting weird. I wanted to make sure you weren't going to do anything reckless or stupid." He looked over at Sirius.

Vivian decided to ignore the fact that she had not in any way been acting weird and exclaimed, "Yes! Exactly! This was just reckless and stupid and impulsive and stupid." She fell onto her back, hit herself in the head with heel of her hand, and mouthed "stupid."

"You didn't think it was so stupid when you were screaming my name. Hey, Malfoy, did Vivian—"

Vivian sat up and put up her wand faster than she knew was possible. "Don't you dare talk to him! Get out of my flat."

Sirius sighed and finally left. As she watched him go, Vivian decided that if Lucius had screwed this thing with Sirius up for her, she would curse him. Once Sirius was gone, she turned to Lucius and said, "Lucius, I'm sorry about all this. But you don't have to worry about me. I'm not going to do anything else stupid. I'll be okay."

"I just wanted to make sure."

Again, Vivian was struck with the thought that she had not been acting weird since the break-up. It occurred to her that he had probably come over in hopes of having one last fling. "That's really very sweet, but I think you should leave too. Go home to your wife."

Lucius seemed reluctant to go, but he did. Vivian figured this night wasn't a complete wash for him. After all, now he could go to Evan and gloat that she had fallen as low as one night stands with notorious blood traitors. She could use that to her advantage though.

For a minute, Vivian tried to will Sirius to come back using telepathy. She quickly gave up, deciding that the professors were right; outside of Legilimency, it really wasn't a valid form of magic. She pulled on a cotton nightgown and settled into bed before she realized that it was only nine thirty. So Vivian lay there trying to decide what to do with the rest of her night. It wasn't long before there was a knock on the door. Vivian opened the door and again found Sirius standing there. She smiled. "Come in. I was hoping you'd come back."

Sirius strode into the flat. "I figured I'd give you ten minutes and if Malfoy was still here,… I hadn't really worked that part out."

"You were jealous? I sent him away right after you left."

"That was brilliant, by the way."

"Yeah, I was just… I didn't really know where I was going with that, but you're the one who caught on and made it brilliant."

Sirius took a step closer. "I think we were both brilliant." He leaned in and started to kiss her.

Once again, Vivian felt herself getting lost in his kiss, but this time she managed to push him away. "No, I don't think you're good for me, Sirius Black. You get me all flustered and I lose my self-control around you. In fact, I don't even want to sleep with you now; you'll just think I'm a slut."

"I don't think you're a slut."

"We have never been on a date and you've already seen me naked. That's a little slutty. And anyway, if I'm with you, a blood traitor, I won't be able to do my job anymore."

"We have other spies. The only thing we don't have is someone on the inside. Are you now willing to become a Death Eater?"

Vivian shook her head. "No. I can barely choke back the vomit when Lucius describes the murders and torture. I couldn't handle actually being there."

"Then you are not indispensable in that role. There are other ways to help the Order. You can work in research and development."

"There are so many things wrong with that plan. One, I'm not good with research. That's not what I do. Two,—"

"Everyone is good at research in some capacity. You don't have to be creating potions."

"Two, don't you think it's a little selfish for you to ask me to stop spying for the Order for your own petty gratification?" She gave him a pointed look. "Three, they all know me as this extremist pureblood. No, I'm going to find myself another Death Eater and keep doing what I do."

"You could have a change of heart. See the error of your ways. We'll make it work."

"That's just not realistic. It would lead people to— You know the only way it would work, right?"

"How?"

"I still have to be a whore. I lost my Malfoy meal ticket so I've latched onto a Black. The rumors will be even worse. I don't want to be called a whore anymore."

"They're not going to call you a whore."

"Yes, they are. I'll be a gold-digging whore who doesn't care either way what happens to the Muggleborns as long as I… Oh, but that's how you thought of me when we met."

Sirius looked thoughtful. "Not a gold-digging whore, more an ambitious schemer."

"That is better. And you realize that you wouldn't be able to say anything to Lucius, for my own protection. You'd have to stand there while he says in his lazy, drawling way, 'It's quite odd that you're with Vivian when she commended me for killing…' whomever it was that he killed."

Vivian had started to pace, and Sirius's eyes followed her back and forth. "One, I don't think he'd openly confess to murder. Two, I could say something along the lines of 'Vivian's starting to realize she was wrong about that.'"

"To which he would respond, 'Maybe. Or maybe she's just a whore, selling herself to the highest bidder and you're stupid enough to fall for it.'"

"Could you stop calling yourself a whore?"

"That was Lucius calling me a whore. Anyway, this is an academic discussion for me. I'm not giving up spying."

"Are you turning me down?"

Vivian stopped and laughed. "Yes, I am. Don't tell me this is the first time that's ever happened."

"Er, I think it is. I can't remember any other incidence where I was coming on this strong."

"Well, we all have to make sacrifices. It appears your love life has taken a real hit. Sorry about that. Maybe when this is all over, we can see if there's anything there, but I'm not going to stop spying for something so uncertain."

"I'm glad that you are so devoted to the cause. You're right, of course." He sank onto the couch.

"Yes, especially when we add the fact that you are rebounding to the equation. It's a big risk to take."

"It's not rebounding. I've always wanted you."

"See, if that were true you would have me by now. You could have had me years ago."

"When, exactly? The time I held you against your will in a large closet? Because you specifically said—"

"You could have had anytime you wanted. So I have to ask myself what has changed. It couldn't possibly be that you want to use me to get over Dorcas, could it?" When Sirius opened his mouth to deny it, Vivian had another thought. "Or what if you just want to stick it to Lucius? Did you see that muscle twitching in his jaw when he walked in on you in my bedroom? You must have loved that."

He rolled his eyes. "You're being paranoid."

"_Or_ is just because I'm playing hard to get? Face it, Sirius, you're too big of a gamble."

Sirius laughed. "You think everyone has an ulterior motive. That must be a Slytherin thing."

"You rebuffed my advances every chance you got and now suddenly—"

"So which is it? Were you playing hard to get or was I rebuffing your advances. It's interesting how you've rewritten history. I didn't turn you down. You never made any advances. If you remember, the entire rebound sex conversation was prefaced with you saying that nothing could ever happen between us."

"Right and it still can't."

Sirius shook his head. "That doesn't even make sense in context."

"Sure it does. You're just drunk."

"I only had two… three? I'm not drunk. Please, explain how it makes sense. I love the way you twist things to justify what you've said."

"Sirius, how am I supposed to remember everything I just said?"

"So are you admitting that you speak randomly with no forethought?"

"No, I will never admit that." Vivian sighed. "Whether or not I actually made advances during the rebounding conversation, its clear that you were continually interpreting my actions as offers for sex and refusing to take me up on it. You told Remus that you turned me down. Apparently, you twist the facts to serve your own purposes as well. However, regardless of what was really happening in that conversation, I did then, and still do, believe that given our current situation nothing can happen between us." Vivian paused for a second. "That is as things currently stand nothing can happen, but there may come a time in the future where things are different. There, that addresses everything."

"Very nice. So what are you going to do now?"

"I have comprised a short list of acceptable Death Eaters. I want one who's not married or involved with anyone this time. It's a very short list. It's basically Avery and Rosier."

"You forgot Rookwood. He's a widower."

"Yes, and the same age as my dad. So, I don't think Avery would actually date Lucius's ex-girlfriend. Rosier, on the other hand, has a bit of a grudge against Lucius and it's mostly centered on me. So, I'm thinking of trying to get back together with Rosier. He just might go for it."

"Do you realize that… Remus always suspected that we had slept together, and now… Now Lucius thinks we have. I mean we told him we did. Pretty soon everyone is going to think we did and—" He was interrupted by a loud, insistent knock on the door.

Vivian waved her hand at Sirius. "Go back in the bedroom." As he proceeded to do so, Vivian walked to the door. Seconds before reaching her front door, something struck in the back. She turned around to see that Sirius had thrown a bathrobe at her. It was then that she realized that she was still wearing only a nightgown. As she pulled on the robe, she called out, "It'll be just a minute."

Vivian heard muttering on the other side of the door and knew without a doubt that her brother had come to visit. When she opened the door, Severus took one look at her in her bathrobe and said, "So it's true."

Vivian stood aside to give him passage into the flat. "What's true?"

"You and Sirius Black."

Vivian thought quickly. They told Lucius that they had had sex. If she now told Severus differently, that would imply a certain level of cooperation between Sirius and herself. "I'm curious, why were you the first person Lucius went to?"

"I was hoping you were going to deny it."

"What would be the point in denying it?"

Severus glanced suspiciously at the bedroom door. "Is he still here?"

"No, Lucius saw him leave."

"How did this happen?"

"Why are you taking such an active interest in my sex life? If I found out that you had shagged some girl," She visibly shuddered. "My first words would be, 'Please, for the love of Merlin, spare me the details.' So, I will mercifully spare you the details of this disastrous, foolish night and say only this: It was a mistake and it's not going to happen again." She started to walk toward the kitchen. She didn't know what she was going to do in the kitchen, but it seemed like a natural thing to do.

"I don't think you understand, Vivian. You had sex with _Sirius Black_, the bane of my existence and a filthy blood traitor. He's been disowned; there's no money there."

She stopped dead in her tracks. "Did you— Are— Did you just imply that I only sleep with men to get their money?"

"Yeah, I did. Only you screwed up this time. Is that why it won't happen again?"

She pointed to the door. "Get out. I can't talk to you when you're… And talk to your mate Lucius, because I never… Just get out of my flat."

"So now you're choosing Sirius over me?"

"Sirius Black does not even factor into this. I'm throwing you out because you're just… insulting me and I don't have to put up with that in my own home. And not that it's any of your business, but I had sex with him one time. It was a mistake."

"One time, right. But I seem to remember you talking to him all the time in school."

"I talked to him maybe four times, and it was to find out what happened to you. And once I found out, I stopped talking to him."

"And yet you never even hinted to me that you knew about what he had done. And then Remus shows up one night, expecting you to help him."

"Because he knew that I knew! What are you implying now? That I've been having a secret affair with Sirius for years?"

"Have you?"

"No! Tonight was just a— Do you really think I would do that to Lucius? I was upset about the break up and acted recklessly. It wasn't about money or spiting you or having a torrid love affair with a sworn enemy. It was rebounding, pure and simple."

"How did you even run into Sirius?"

Vivian considered the question for a second and decided the truth was the best answer, or at least a version of the truth. "Sirius stopped by the flat to inform me that Wilkes killed a friend of mine. He wanted to throw it in my face that I'm a… whatever it is that I am. To be honest, I think he might have had a bit of a crush on me in school and is disappointed with where my loyalties lie. He tried to convert me once, you know."

Much to Vivian's dismay, Severus sat on the couch. "No, I didn't know that."

"Oh, well, he did. Anyway, we got into a verbal battle over ideologies and one thing led to another."

"I've never had one thing lead to another in a situation like that."

"Yes, well that's another reason I think he had a crush on me; he initiated everything. It was really quite shocking for me, but then I thought— Actually that's where the retelling stops. We were about to cross a disgusting line there. That should be more than enough anyway. I don't have to justify myself to you."

"I just don't want you to get in over your head with Black. The Dark Lord does not look kindly on blood traitors."

Vivian fought the urge to look at her bedroom door. She realized how close her brother had come to saying that he's a Death Eater and that there was an auror trainee on the other side of that door who could hear everything. "Yes, I know. Thanks for the advice, but I'm still kicking you out." She pulled him to his feet. "Don't worry about me so much. I make mistakes sometimes, but generally, I know what I'm doing."

Severus reluctantly stood. "I'm sorry I implied that—"

"It's okay. It's over; let's just forget about it," said Vivian as she ushered him out the door. "Have a nice night. Goodbye."

Severus opened his mouth to protest, but Vivian closed the door in his face. She turned around to see Sirius exiting her bedroom and held her finger to her lips. After ten seconds she opened to door to make sure that her brother had truly left. Sirius came up behind her and closed the door. She realized that he had pinned her against the door. This was the third time he had done this and each time was decidedly more sexually charged than the last. She figured the fourth time she would end up ripping his clothes off, but that was knowledge he did not need. She found herself getting annoyed with Sirius and all she wanted was for him to leave.

"Is Severus a Death Eater?"

Vivian gasped. She took a couple breaths and said, "No, not yet, thank goodness. I've been… telling him to… I don't want to talk about my brother."

"Okay."

Vivian whirled around. "Tell me what you ulterior motive is."

Sirius looked confused and took a step back. "Where did that come from?"

"It has been my experience that everyone has an ulterior motive. Lucius had one."

"You mean that he spent time with you because he wanted to shag you? I'm not going to deny that—"

"No, he seduced me away from Evan to hurt him. I was the means for revenge. According to Severus, the situation was barely satisfactory for him. He didn't want to shag me; he wanted to hurt Evan. Men have ulterior motives. What's yours?"

"So one father abandoned you and the other hit you. You're not screwed up about sex, just men."

Vivian closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again, she said, "I was right. I suspected that Lucius had an agenda that had nothing to do with sex and I was right. How does that make me screwed up about men?" He started to speak, but she cut him off. "No, no, fine. I will admit that my experiences with my father, my uncle-slash-real-father, my brother, Evan, Lucius, and every other man I have known has led me to have certain beliefs about men. You call that screwed up; I call it realistic."

"And then you'll never get hurt, right?"

"Just tell me what your ulterior motive is. Honestly, I will be much more apt to have sex with you if you tell me. Is it solace or to irritate Lucius or something else? What really brought you to my flat tonight?"

"Wait a minute. If all men have ulterior motives it is to have sex. Men do not need another motive to have sex. Where does your insecurity come from?"

"No! No, we are done analyzing me. Let's analyze you and your motives."

"I already told you. If you want an ulterior motive, I will give you one. I will spell it out for you. I want to have sex with you. I was brought to your flat tonight by a desire to have sex with you. It's that simple."

"I understand that, but—"

"Actually I really did come to tell you about Adeline."

"No, okay, I understand the part about the sex, but why do you want to have sex with me? You could have any woman you want. I have watched Sara throw herself at you despite the fact that she is pregnant with another man's child. Why?"

"Why does Sara throw herself at me or why—"

Vivian rolled her eyes. "The other thing."

"Why _do_ I want you? You're constantly sending me mixed signals, you have abandonment issues, you—"

"I don't have abandonment issues. I don't know how you get that from anything I've done."

"You don't understand why anyone would want you because your parents didn't even want you. That's an issue stemming from your abandonment."

"No, but they are not my parents. I have parents who love me. I don't feel abandoned and I don't fear it either."

"Then why do you—"

"Wait, no, we're not analyzing me anymore. I forgot."

"Then don't argue with me. Where was I? Abandonment issues combined with fear of getting stuck in an abusive cycle. That's why you like being a spy. It allows you to hold people at arm's length. You only get close to the enemy and you have to avoid allies. You—"

Vivian sat on the couch. "My not arguing won't prevent you from analyzing me. You're still doing it, and now it isn't even related to the question. Why do you want me?"

"I don't know why. Do I have to have a reason?"

Vivian sighed. "No."

"Why do you keep changing your mind? Where did this sudden hostility come from? If Lucius hadn't shown up, we would be have sex right now."

"I'm sure we would be done by now."

"You're avoiding the question."

"You're the one with all the answers, Sirius. I'm sure you'll be able to twist some aspect of my childhood to explain it."

"Well, that sounded like a nice way to segue into asking me to leave."

"How perceptive. I think you should be leaving now, Sirius."

Sirius nodded and headed for the door. "One of these days you're going to change your mind and I can't guarantee that I'll still be available then."

Vivian laughed incredulously. "I'm willing to take that chance. In fact, I intend to be unavailable myself in a few days. I'm not doing anyone any good by being single."

"That's good, hide behind your work. Then you won't be at any risk of feeling something."

"Oh, you're going on the offensive now. That's interesting. Have a nice life, Sirius."

He opened the door and smirked. "This isn't over. I'll see you soon, Vivian."

She watched him leave and wondered why she enjoyed their banter so much. "I do not have abandonment issues," she said aloud. She considered sitting down and working out the possible causes of every one of his personality quirks but then she remembered that she had no intention of talking to him again. She didn't allow herself to question why that was. She certainly wasn't going to admit to herself that in all of his analysis he may have gotten some things right.


	8. May 1979

**Disclaimer: **This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**  
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**Chapter 8**

_**May 1979**_

It was the first day of May, and for the first time that year the weather was warm and pleasant. As Vivian walked the short distance from the hospital to Evan's flat, she wished she were headed anywhere else. She considered turning around and going home, but then she sternly reminded herself that she had put this off long enough. Tonight she would go to Evan and convince him to take her back. Tonight she would once again share a bed with a man that she could barely stand to be in the same room with. Unless he wasn't home. _Please_, thought Vivian as she approached his door, _let him not be home_. Then she knocked and heard footsteps destroy that last chance for further procrastination.

Vivian took a deep breath and prepared herself for the performance ahead of her. She thought back to their first date at Lucius and Narcissa's wedding. He had spent the entire night refreshing her drink, presumably trying to get her drunk enough to go home with him. She had been slightly flattered; no man had ever paid that much attention to her before. She wasn't flattered enough to even consider going back to his flat though. In those days it had been common knowledge that Evan Rosier was not particularly discriminating when it came to his conquests. As Vivian prided herself on not being the conquest sort of girl and had hated Evan at the time, she poured out several glasses of wine when his back was turned. If Vivian thought about it she would realize that she had always hated Evan. She hated him four months later when she ran into him and agreed to have dinner with him and throughout the subsequent relationship, and she still hated him now as he opened the door. At first, he did not look happy to see her, but then he smiled, though the smile did not quite reach his eyes. Vivian fought the urge to ask him if she was still the only black mark on an otherwise perfect record. She might ask him later, but that was not the way to start this conversation.

"Hello, Evan," she said solemnly. "I… don't know what to say. I don't even really know what brought me here today. I was just walking home –it's such a beautiful night that I decided to walk— and I took a left instead of a right and ended up here. I… I guess I missed you."

"You mean now that Lucius is gone?" He was still smiling, but his eyes were cold.

Vivian felt a lump forming in her throat. "Yeah, Lucius. Oh, Evan, what was I… How could I… I don't know why I came here. I'm going to go." She started to leave, but suddenly turned back to him. "Wait, I… I want to talk about Lucius. There are things you need to know."

Evan seemed unsure about whether or not to let her in. _Come on, Evan, invite me in. I sleep around now. Who knows what might happen?_ Finally, as if in response to her thoughts, he pushed the door wide open and stood aside. Although this had been the easy part, Vivian felt heartened by her success.

Like most worthless playboys, Evan had a large and beautifully decorated flat. After their first few dates, Vivian had learned that it wasn't fair or accurate to label Evan as a worthless playboy, but she still thought of him that way regardless. She sat gingerly on the loveseat and watched him sit in what she knew was his favorite chair. She was silent for a long time before she said, "I'm sorry. We haven't spoken since the break-up, so I haven't had the opportunity to tell you that. I didn't think that Lucius was going to… handle it the way he did. I never meant to hurt you, but he did. And I'm not just sorry that Lucius used me to hurt you. In a lot of ways I'm sorry that I ever left you for him. I mean don't get me wrong, I cared deeply for him, but… I think I fell in love with him and I convinced myself that it didn't matter that he had a wife or that it started as a revenge… thing. I thought I could…" She shook her head. "He wasn't good for me. He treated me… I threw away this beautiful, perfect relationship to be treated like a cheap whore. Of course he treated me like a queen in the beginning, but I should have been able to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. What kind of a fantasy was that anyway? He was a married man! I'm so stupid, Evan! None of that was what I meant to say. I just wanted you to know."

"What, that you're sorry?"

He wasn't giving her much to work with. "No, that since I left you my life has been falling apart. I thought it might give you some kind of satisfaction to know that you _were_ the best thing that ever happened to me. Or at least that I realize that now. So you can go on having a wonderful life, and I'll go on being a complete mess." Vivian stopped, but Evan just stared at her as if waiting for more. She struggled for something else to say. "You know what, I don't even trust myself to handle my life anymore. I had a horrible, ill-advised one-night stand with Sirius Black. Yeah, Sirius Black. I wouldn't sleep with you because I wanted to wait, to be sure. And then I just throw myself at Lucius, hoping to hold onto him, lose him, and rebound with a blood traitor. I hate knowing that I gave Lucius my virginity. I wished I'd taken you up on one of your many offers. And I hate knowing that Sirius Black was the last man who touched me. I would almost try to do something about that, but like I said, I don't trust myself to find a suitable lover. I'm getting completely off-topic again. That's what I thought you should know, that you're better off now and I'm not. You win."

"It's not a competition, Vivian. And I don't win, because I still don't have you."

Now it was the moment of truth. She would sleep with Evan and find out if he only wanted to clear away that black mark or if she had actually managed to talk him into a relationship. "You… You want me back?"

"Yes, of course I do." He stood and held out his hand to her. "Come with me, Vivian. Let me wipe away the memory of Sirius Black's hands on your body."

Vivian's breath caught in her throat. "I would like that a lot." Actually Vivian was thinking that was the last thing she wanted. The thought that Sirius was the last man to kiss her and touch her was actually the only thing Vivian liked about herself at that moment. As she took Evan's hand and allowed herself to be lead to the bedroom, she spent those last few moments reveling in the memory of her last night with Sirius.

-----

It wasn't so horrible, Vivian told herself as she left Evan's flat. She stepped out onto the sidewalk and started to walk toward her own building. Earlier she had decided to walk as a means of prolonging the inevitable, but now she wanted to walk to clear her mind. It was still a beautiful night. Vivian looked up at the stars and tried to think about a future without Voldemort, a future in which she would be free to date whomever she wanted, but she quickly realized that it wasn't Voldemort who pushed her into this life. She could be free now. She was a pureblood; she could sit back and stay neutral like so many others. She didn't have to fight; she chose this kind of life. Why? Why had she allowed herself to be talked into a life where she would have to have sex with men like Evan and Lucius? It scared her to realize that there was no self-serving reason for it. She had intended to be an opportunist. She had intended to use Lucius and Narcissa as stepping-stones to greatness, as Sirius had put it so long ago. Now she was betraying the very people who could have helped her in a quest for power and wealth. Why? She supposed she could say that she was trying to align herself with the winners, but if that were the case she would have waited until it was clearer who the winners would be. She could say that she was working both sides so that she could come out on top no matter which side won, but if she wanted to do that she would be a double agent playing one side off the other. No, if she was honest with herself, there were only two possible reasons that she was doing this. One was idealism and the other was to impress Sirius. Neither was an appealing thought and she knew both were part of the equation.

_Don't think about that, think about Evan. _ The actual sex with him had not been that bad, which was slightly disappointing to Vivian. She would have preferred if her body did not respond to him at all. She hated herself for even that slightest bit of pleasure she derived from the experience and hated Evan even more for doing that to her. Vivian shook her head. She knew her hatred of Evan was irrational. In school, she had hated him almost from the moment she met him. He was the embodiment of everything that annoyed her. To her, he was _the_ wealthy pretty boy who didn't care about anything enough to take it seriously. He didn't have to take classes seriously; he could just live off his family's money forever. She reflected that probably Lucius and Sirius were both the same way, but she had never had classes with them. Later, when she realized that there were things that he did take seriously and that he had put more effort into his schoolwork than she realized, she hated him for that too. Tonight, more than anything else, she hated that idealism and Sirius had caused her to let Evan touch her.

_No, don't think about Sirius. And don't think about your hatred of Evan either. Think about the plan. _The plan had gone well. After the sex, Evan had in fact shown interest in seeing Vivian again, which she supposed was a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, Sirius had assured her that Evan would be more forthcoming with information, but, on the other hand, this meant that she would have to continue sleeping with Evan. As Vivian tried again to push thoughts of Sirius and Evan out of her mind, she realized that she had arrived home. She climbed the stairs to her flat, surrendering to the sleepless night that lay ahead of her.

-----

Vivian was amazed by how similar this situation was to when she went to see Evan three weeks before. Only this time, as she looked up at Sirius's house, she really didn't know why she was there. She looked around to see if anyone was nearby as she debated whether or not to knock on the door. When she finally decided to, she hoped no one would answer. However, just like Evan, he was home.

When Sirius opened the door he seemed surprised to see her. Vivian could understand his confusion; except for that one morning at breakfast in the Great Hall, she had never been the one to seek him out. She was a little confused herself. A moment later, her focus shifted to the actual house. How could Sirius afford a house like this?

"Hi, Vivian," he said cautiously. She didn't respond. "How do you know where I live?"

Vivian stepped into the foyer, barely hearing him. "I took out an ad in the Daily Prophet," she answered absently. "'Do you know where Sirius Black lives? If so please get in contact with Vivian Snape.' This is a really nice house. I thought you were disowned."

"I was, but then my Uncle Alphard left me some money. How did you really find my house?"

Vivian finally looked at Sirius. "Benjy told me. You're my other contact, you know."

"Shh. I'm not alone."

"Oh." Vivian was too distracted to let that bother her now. "Some money? It took more than 'some' money to buy a house like this."

Sirius looked up at the ceilings, as if trying to see what she saw. "Haven't you been to Malfoy Manor?"

"Yeah, and this is clearly no manor house, but still, it's not what I was expecting."

"It's a fairly modest house, actually."

Vivian snorted. It was bigger than her parents' house. "Right. No, actually, you're right, this is a modest house. It's just that I thought when you were disowned, you would be forced to join the working class. I'm not trying to… I make more money than you, and I could never afford a place like this."

"Well, you're just starting out."

"I know, and I thought you were just starting out too."

"How does this change anything?"

"It was just a surprise, that's all. Actually it does change things and not in a good way."

"In what way then?"

"We— Who's here? Is it a woman? Did you actually move on?"

Sirius smiled. "Jealous? No, it's just Remus. And he can't hear you. He's sleeping off the full moon in the guest bedroom."

"Why doesn't he—"

"He's been having a little trouble holding a job because of the whole… werewolf thing. He's kind of staying here for a while. But back to you, how does the house change anything?"

This brought Vivian back to the task at hand. "Oh. We're going to have sex tonight. I think we both know that. In a minute, I'm going to pretend like that was the last thing on my mind when I showed up here, but… Anyway, now it looks like I've suddenly changed my mind because you have money."

"That wouldn't have even occurred to me."

"Are you kidding? When you combine the way I went on about the house with my relationship history, at some point, it's going to occur to you."

"Not now."

"No! You can't trust me; I'm very cunning."

Sirius chuckled a little. "Look, Vivian, if the house was a big turn on for you, I can accept that."

"What if I'm a gold-digging slut? Can you accept that?"

"I know you're not a gold-digging slut."

Vivian shook her head. "Oh, you poor naïve man."

"Vivian, I know why you were with Malfoy and Rosier. It wasn't about money. No matter what the rest of the wizarding community thinks, I know the truth. Besides, if you wanted money, you wouldn't stop here, you'd go after the real Black heir."

Vivian wrinkled her nose. "He's still in school."

"So? I started dating Dorcas the summer before my seventh year… but we're not talking about Dorcas."

"Oh, we will be. But that's later. Right now, I am explaining why you are a better mark than your brother."

"Or Rosier?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "You're already dating Rosier. You're the same age. There is no obstacle to having the calculated power marriage of your dreams. Except you, because that's not what you want anymore, is it?"

"Why do you trust me so much?"

"Why do you always make this so difficult? You're always pushing me away and pulling me back in and pushing me away again. Even if sex was the last thing on your mind, you didn't come here to tell me that you're a gold-digger." Vivian stared at him, slowly shaking her head. "Okay, I trust you because you've never given me a reason not to, despite many opportunities."

"I told you right from the beginning that I would kill to have the Black name, figuratively of course."

"I think that you felt that way in theory, but life just didn't work out that way. You got a Malfoy into bed. Was it everything you thought it would be?"

Vivian's eyes went wide. "What— Why— Don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Read my mind like that. Don't tell me what I'm feeling with frightening accuracy. Don't know me better than people with whom I've spent much more time. Don't… do that. So,… can I see more of the house or is the foyer really its high point?"

"Well, there's the living room right… past where the tile ends." Vivian looked at him expectantly. "Would you like to sit down?"

"Oh, you're such a good host! Yes, I would love to sit down." She pushed past him and sat gracefully on the couch.

Sirius stood in place for a few seconds with an amazed look on his face before following her into the living room. He sat next to her on the couch and said, "How exactly is this going to work?"

Vivian smiled. "You're going to tell me about your family, your childhood, Dorcas, everything."

"And why am I going to do that?"

"Because I've already told you all about my family, my childhood, my ex-boyfriend, now—" As she spoke, she counted things off on her fingers.

"What about your current boyfriend?"

"I will tell you anything you want to know about my current boyfriend as soon as you tell me everything I want to know about you. I want to… to _know_ you, Sirius." Vivian emphasized this point with her hands.

"Can I ask you something?"

"No, not until you answer some of my questions for once. I mean it this time."

Apparently Sirius did not believe her. "When you were with Malfoy, an affair was completely off the table, but with Rosier it's not. Why?"

"Just tell me how you met Dorcas. How did you get together with a girl, a woman, four years older than you when you were still in school?"

Sirius hesitated. "It's a long story."

"So is the difference between Lucius and Evan or the story of how I became a Snape. I have time."

"I was disowned by my parents during sixth year. I received a letter telling me not to bother coming home for Easter holidays or summer, or ever for that matter, unless I was willing to shape up. The Potters took me in that summer. It was great. They are more my family than my real one. I think of James as more of a brother than Regulus.

"Dorcas, or the Meadowes actually, are friends of the Potter family. She was around a lot and we got together during the summer. Then I went to school and I would sneak out and see her at Hogsmeade because, you know… You don't know. There are a lot of ways to sneak out of the school if you know where to look. Then I got out of school, saw a lot more of her, and eventually she broke up with me. That's the Dorcas story. Tell me about Rosier."

"I hate him. I loathe and abhor him with every fiber of my being. With Lucius, I didn't like him, but it wasn't a horrible situation for me. I'm guessing that you've never experienced this, but when you…when I had sex with Lucius, it was… there was a mixed reaction. There's a physical aspect that… Okay, with Lucius, the emotional aspect of my dislike for him was a hindrance, but… but, you see…"

"Yeah, I think I understand."

"Right, but with Evan, my revulsion is much more of an obstacle. And if I even start to enjoy it for the slightest moment, I feel like…" Vivian stopped and sighed. "I tell you way too much."

"No, go on. This is fascinating. Or at least it has potential to be."

"Why?"

"If you say that you came here to have great, enjoyable sex."

Vivian burst out laughing. "Oh. No, that's not even it. Let me just…" She sobered. "I'm not sure how to even put this. If I start to enjoy being with Evan, I hate myself for having that guttural… for not being able to… or really for being able to… I hate him, so how can I enjoy having him… I want to hate it as much as I hate him, but more and more I'm finding that I don't. So, no, I didn't come here to finally enjoy sex. I am enjoying myself at times, and that's the problem. I want an experience that will ground me in realism. This is normal; this is how it should be. You ask questions and listen and care and, despite myself, I like you, as a person and as a man."

"Thank you."

"I don't need it to be great; I just want normal. I told Evan that I couldn't stand that you were the last man to touch me. That was a lie. But I am here now to tell you that I can't stand that he was the last man to touch me and that I'm going to let me touch him again. I feel myself, my sense of reality, of who I am, what I'm doing, I feel it all slipping away from me. I want you to ground me. And that's all well and good, but what do you want, Sirius?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want to betray Evan in some way, in any way I can. I want to have this secret that I can think of when it all starts to be too much to bear. So, tell me what kind of a relationship you want and that's what it will be. If it's just sex, that's fine, but I want to know from the beginning." Vivian waited for Sirius to say something, but he didn't. "Okay, I've been talking for awhile now. It's time for you to say something. Just start talking; I don't even care about what. Talk about what you want or James or share your latest theory about me, anything. I just want one full minute of you talking."

"That's a lot of pressure."

"Starting now."

Sirius nodded. "I get it. With Lucius and Evan you play a one-dimensional… sex toy basically. You were subservient because that's what Lucius wanted. With me you're demanding and wildly three-dimensional. You say your sense of identity is slipping. You need me so that you can be yourself. Because I'm the only one who knows about that one big aspect of your life. Well, there's Benjy Fenwick too. If I turn you down are you going to turn to him?"

"Thirty more seconds."

"Okay, er… so,…"

Vivian smiled. "That's interesting. I give you a minute to talk about anything you want and you choose to analyze me further and to talk about how this is completely unrelated to you. Why do you do that? Are you fixated on me or do you have avoidance issues of your own?"

"I'm not fixated on you; I was just… You said—"

"I know how it works now. Analyze first, then ask questions that force your target to get defensive."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Target?"

"So, let's say you're right. I am interested in you solely because you are the only person with whom I can just be myself. I have romantic feelings for you for no other reason than that you know me so well and I actually feel comfortable with you. What's wrong with that? How is that not the way it's supposed to be?"

"Because I don't actually figure into that. It's all about you. That's why my explanation had nothing to do with me, because I don't think any of this has anything to do with me."

"Oh, maybe you're the one who is insecure. Of course you figure into this. You were the one who analyzed every word I said, the one who latched onto a few statements and pushed me to tell you about my father, the one who suggested that— who believed in me enough to think that— and you barely knew me. You went out on a limb for me. And you never let me get away with… anything."

"Why did you suddenly turn on me last time? Right after your brother left you started talking about ulterior motives and you said 'Have a nice life.' And now you're here. I want to know everything that happened there."

Vivian sighed. "You don't think you're a part of this because we never talk about you. That night it wasn't right. After Lucius broke in, it wasn't going to happen. We were talking about how it wasn't going to happen when Severus showed up. So, yeah, I turned on you. I was feeling a little raw after talking to my brother. Anyhow, in some ways you are bad for me and I wanted to cut ties, but then I just wasn't able to handle the Evan situation as well as I thought. Now I'm here because in some ways you're not so bad for me after all."

"Okay, you told me all about what I do for you. What do you do for me? What am I getting out of this?"

"Why are you making this so difficult?"

Sirius shrugged. "For fun."

She cleared her throat. "You initiated the kiss at the hospital. You initiated the one at my flat a month ago. And you brought up the idea of us having sex out of nowhere that night. It's clear that you're interested in me in some capacity. I told you that if all you want is sex, that's okay. You get whatever you want out of this relationship, within reason."

"I see you're still trying to be realistic."

"Is that a problem?"

"Well, not—"

"Wait, I know what you're going to say. I'm offering, no, I'm encouraging you to take advantage of me because I've gotten in too deep and can't handle it. It's not healthy that I'm offering myself up on a platter for you to do with as you please. I am screwed up about men. I'm handling this all wrong because I'm used to a certain type of man and you're not like Lucius and Evan. So, I don't really know what I'm doing here."

"That's not what I was going to say."

Vivian sat back. "Oh, was it that sex really is all you want, but you're afraid my feelings for you will complicate it?"

"No, would you listen to yourself? You've gone beyond realistic expectations. Just because you've been hurt—"

"Oh, Merlin! Stop bringing that up." She closed her eyes briefly and put a hand to her forehead. "My childhood was not nearly as psychologically damaging as you seem to think."

"I wasn't just talking about your father, but you can't deny that he's the reason you have this cold, calculated approach to relationships. You admitted that much years ago. You still don't believe in love, do you? Even when you start to experience it,—"

"You think I'm in love with you? We're really not there yet. I guess I believe in love in theory, but I've never really seen it work out. You're not all that open to love yourself. You never talk about Dorcas. You wouldn't even let yourself mourn for her. You were so stoic. 'It's been two days; I'm over it.'"

"Fine. Dorcas broke my heart and then she died. And right up until the end, I still thought we could have had a chance. I mean, I was attracted to you that day at the hospital, but I wouldn't have given into it because I hadn't given up on her. And the next time, when I kissed you, I knew nothing was going to come from that. I thought eventually she would come back to me, and maybe she would have. I'll never know now. But that's good news for you. I'm free now; you don't have to worry that I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend." Sirius stared somewhere behind and to the left of Vivian as he spoke.

Vivian put her hand to his chin and turned his face so that he was looking into her eyes. "You are still in love with her."

He cleared his throat. "I know."

"But at least I don't have to worry about you leaving me for her," Vivian said with false brightness.

"So you're screwed up about men and I'm still in love with my dead ex-girlfriend. This isn't going to happen, is it?"

"Oh, it'll happen; I'll make it happen. But not tonight, no. And you forgot to mention that I already have a boyfriend."

"Evan's pretty much a non-issue for me."

Vivian thought about it for a second. "Yeah, me too."

"So… now what do we do?"

Vivian patted him on the leg. "Now we talk. Tell me what you were going to say about my unrealistic expectations."

"Oh, let's see… No, not unrealistic expectations, expectations that are beyond realistic to the point of cynical. You don't have to settle for a purely sexual relationship. If you want more, demand more."

"What? So you can say, 'Sorry, I'm still in love with Dorcas. Better luck next time?'"

"No, I just mean that you should respect yourself more."

Vivian could not believe her ears. "That's what I said!"

"When?"

"When I said that I knew what you were going to say. I said that it was unhealthy to serve myself on a sexual platter. Only I said it in a way that made more sense. Anyway, this is why I don't believe in idealism. You say I should respect myself, but where would that have gotten me? I wouldn't be doing what I do if I respected myself."

"You're such an odd person. You openly admit that you don't respect yourself?"

"Not in the way that my self pertains to sexual matters."

"In what way then?"

"I respect myself intellectually and… professionally. I have found over the last couple years that I'm really able to maintain grace under pressure and I'm a fast thinker. Maybe my explanations are a little weak at times, but I manage to make them believable—or forgettable— in the end. I am realistic, too. I haven't loss my head over ideology or a pursuit of power or anything."

"So, then it wasn't ideology that made you sleep with men to gain information that would save lives? What was it?" asked Sirius.

"Do you want me to say that I did it because you asked me to? That's what I would tell Lucius or Evan in this situation."

"Well, unlike Lucius and Evan, I'd actually prefer to hear the truth."

"I do it because… it's the right thing to do."

"Oh, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that is textbook idealism."

Vivian smirked. "I think you loved being the one to tell me that."

Sirius's expression grew wistful. "Yeah, I did actually. That was the high point of the conversation thus far. Idealism isn't a dirty word. It's fine to be realistic and practical, but it's not so horrible to turn your back on prejudiced people, even if they would have made good stepping stones."

"I could have been an amazing Death Eater, you know. I would have been the Dark Lord's right hand before Bellatrix knew what hit her."

Sirius nodded. "Oh, yes, I have no doubt of that. And I'm sorry I lured you away from that."

Vivian was serious. "If you hadn't talked to me that day, I would have done it. I didn't realize that at the time. I thought I could just stay out of the war, but that's not the way it would have worked out. I basically lived the life I would have anyway, just in a different frame of mind, and I can see all the twists and turns my life would have taken. I would have gotten involved at some point. And, though I'd have never actually made it to right-hand witch, I could have been great. I could have glory and power right now, but instead I'm treated like a common whore. But despite all that, I know I made the right choice. That— I guess that is idealism."

"Welcome to the good side."

-----

Remus was awakened by the sound of laughter coming from the living room. He checked his watch and saw that he'd been sleeping for seventeen hours. _No wonder I can't hold a job_. More laughter seeped into the room, and this time it was distinctly female. Though it took effort, he pulled himself up and walked to the door. Cracking it open, he listened to the voices. He heard Sirius say something about his mother. Then he heard the woman—Was that… Yes, that was Vivian Snape. —He heard Vivian ask a question. Sirius laughed again and Vivian distinctly said, "What? What did I say?" Not wanting to eavesdrop on this seemingly private moment any further, Remus closed the door quietly. He wondered if Sirius was finally willing to admit that there was something going on between him and Vivian. Maybe he already had. Remus decided to ask James about it later.

-----

That night, as Vivian crawled into her own bed, she knew that, although Evan would never understand this, what happened between her and Sirius was more of a betrayal than if she had simply had sex with him. Things hadn't gone anything like she'd expected. In fact, her only expectation had been that she would end up in bed with Sirius this time, but what actually happened was so much better. They had talked for hours and there seemed to be an unspoken agreement to take things slowly. She hadn't realized how much it meant to her that Sirius would be okay with that. She felt as if he had just passed a test she didn't know she was giving. She wasn't going to push him away or send mixed signals anymore. They had progressed to a new level in their relationship. Vivian had a happy, glowing feeling as she drifted off to sleep.

-----

Lily and James had just finished dinner when Remus showed up at their door. Lily settled down on the couch while James went to answer the door. Upon his entrance, Remus asked, "Do you know anything about Sirius and Vivian?"

Lily was about to ask what he meant, but she saw that James was confused too. She couldn't quite remember who Vivian was, but she figured maybe this was a new that she had not heard about yet. "No. What about them?"

"I woke up a couple nights ago and she was over. They sounded very cozy. I thought you might know something about that since you're closer to him.

James sighed. "No, he hasn't said anything to me. What were they doing?"

"Just… All I heard was talking. I didn't actually hear much because I didn't want to eavesdrop. I think he was talking about his mother though."

James sank down onto the couch next to Lily. "His mother? This is worse than I thought. Is she a Death Eater?"

Then Lily remembered. Vivian Snape, sister of Severus Snape, close friend of the Malfoys. That did not make her a bad person, Lily told herself. She forced herself not to pass judgment too quickly.

Remus shook his head. "I don't think so, but I've never forcibly checked her forearm."

James was quiet for a moment. Lily decided to speak up for the first time. "I've never talked to Vivian. What do you think of her?"

"I… don't know. I think Sirius trusts her too much and I don't know it that's wise. I've been willing to put my life in her hands, but I… I think it's possible that she is a Death Eater and that she's using Sirius to get information. Or at least I think that Sirius should be considering that as a possibility. I think that if there _is_ anything going on there, Sirius may have lost his head over her. And that is reason enough not to trust her."

"Okay, I'm just playing the devil's advocate here, but why would she be dating Evan Rosier if she was trying to use Sirius? Maybe you misunderstood the situation."

"He was talking about his mother," James said, as if that explained everything.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh, that changes everything. What did he say about his mother?"

Remus frowned. "I didn't actually hear anything other than 'my mother.'"

"Hmm. Than it seems possible that you misunderstood what was going on there. Why don't you ask Peter? Maybe Sirius decided to confide in a less judgmental friend."

Remus took umbrage at this remark. "I'm the least judgmental of the four of us."

"Oh, yes, clearly."

James turned to his wife. "No, really, he is. Except maybe you, Lily."

"She doesn't count."

Lily looked up at Remus. "Excuse me?"

"I said of the four of us, meaning the four marauders."

James put his arm around Lily. "She's a marauder by marriage."

Remus threw up his hands. "Fine, I'm the second least judgmental, after Lily. So, Lily, has Sirius said anything to you?"

She paused for a second before shaking her head. "No."

"I will ask Peter. I just thought James was a safer bet. I think the real question is why is he hiding this from us? Especially if it's innocent."

Lily decided to bow out gracefully and leave the boys to their craziness. "That's a great question. I'll be upstairs if anyone needs me."


	9. June 1979

**Disclaimer:** Same as always.

**Author's Note:** Although I'm about to leave on vacation for three weeks, I'm hoping I can get a couple more chapters up before the last book comes out.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

_**June 1979**_

Vivian could tell that there was something wrong from the moment Evan opened his door. She waited patiently for him to bring up whatever was bothering him. After about twenty minutes, he finally said, "The Dark Lord's spies say that you've been seen with Sirius Black recently. Do you want to tell me what that's about?"

Vivian's heart skipped a beat. "What spies?"

"He didn't tell me, but you were placed at Sirius's house."

Vivian felt sick. She thought she had been so careful. She had only been to see Sirius twice since that first time. Since she couldn't think of a good excuse on the spot, she decided that if she was about to crash and burn, she might as well test the waters. Maybe it was possible that she had more clout than this spy. "That's absurd. I admit, rather reluctantly, that I slept with him that one night, but I have never been to his house. I don't even know where he lives."

"Vivian…"

"What? It's the truth. Why would someone be spreading rumors about me anyway? I'm not even involved in Death Eater business."

"This isn't an official thing, the Dark Lord just thought I should know that my girlfriend is fraternizing with the enemy."

"Evan, I'm not fraternizing with anyone. I can't believe this. You do trust me, do you?"

"It's not that—"

"No, I get it. It's my fault. I left you because I thought something better had come along. Why should you trust me now? Who knows what I might be angling for? Evan, I'm really sorry about that episode with Lucius, but I promise you, it's not going to happen again. I know what I want. And I know all about shiny packages that measure up to the wrapping paper. I'm not going to get involved with Sirius. Again. Tell me you believe me. I don't want to lose you over someone else's lies."

"It not just a matter—"

"What if it was Lucius? What if he's trying to break us up again? Who else would have a motive to lie about me?"

"Exactly. Who would actually go through the trouble of making this up?"

Evan was trying to be reasonable, but Vivian would have none of that. "Or Narcissa. Maybe it's revenge for having an affair with her husband. Or Bellatrix, she's always been a bit vindictive and unstable. Or… You know who it could be? That one girl with the glasses; rumor has it she's been obsessed with you since your one night stand two years—"

"Okay, let's just forget I said anything."

"No, not until I know that you believe me."

"I believe you."

Vivian knew that he was just saying that, but it would have to do for now. She needed time to think. What worried her most was that a Death Eater spy had felt it important to place her anywhere, let alone at Sirius's house. Why was she being watched? Until she knew the answer, she needed to be much more discreet with Sirius.

--------

Peter knew that he had let the Dark Lord down. His last round of information had been weak. Pressed for one last thing to reveal, he had told the Dark Lord that Rosier's girlfriend had been seen associating with Sirius. He'd been grasping at straws and it hadn't paid off. Peter had been hoping to cover up his own failure by casting suspicion in Rosier's direction, but the Dark Lord had just said that was a matter for Rosier to deal with, implying that he had no doubt of Rosier's loyalty. Peter resented that. Maybe Rosier was passing information to the Order through his girlfriend. Why wouldn't the Dark Lord at least consider it? No, he told himself, that's not what is happening and you know it. It was much more likely that Rosier's girlfriend was simply cheating on him, and if that was the case, Peter wasn't going to bother cluing him in any further.

--------

Vivian had thought about it for a long time and decided that the only way to be discreet is to predetermine how, when and where to be discreet. She sat at her kitchen table, trying to figure out a code that would be easy for Sirius to crack but impossible for anyone else to understand. She was startled out of her concentration by a knock on the door. She made a move to hide the paper, but then she realized that it was still blank. She stood and walked to the door. She was surprised to find Lucius waiting on the other side of the door. His arrogant and cold posture, while still present, seemed to have slipped a bit. Confused by this, Vivian scrunched up her nose. "Lucius, I don't think—"

He held up a hand. "Narcissa wants to see you. She… she's not well."

"What do you mean 'not well?' Is she dying?"

Lucius cleared his throat. "No. She had a miscarriage."

"Oh, Lucius! I'm so sorry! How is she?"

"She wants to see you."

"Why?" asked Vivian, afraid that Narcissa would blame her for the miscarriage.

"She didn't say."

"Yeah, I'll go. Now?"

"Well, as soon as reasonably possible."

"Of course. Just give me… a few minutes."

"That's fine. I'm just going to go ahead without you. I trust you can find your way to the Manor on your own."

Vivian almost laughed at his formal tone, but fortunately realized how inappropriate it would be. "Yes, I imagine by now I can."

Lucius nodded. "Goodbye."

Once he was gone, Vivian sank down onto the couch. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel about this. It was sad and she was sympathetic of course, but should she really feel as devastated as she did? Narcissa and Lucius were the enemy. Did she even have a right to her sympathy, considering that she'd had an affair with Narcissa's husband? Vivian prepared herself for the fact that she was being summoned to be hauled over the coals. She sighed and stood. If that was what Narcissa needed, then so be it. She did not allow herself to worry about the fact that she was willing to put Narcissa ahead of herself. These were special circumstances, after all.

Upon arriving at the Manor, Vivian was lead up to the master bedroom by the Malfoy's usually enthusiastic house-elf. Vivian had never seen the master bedroom. Although she knew every inch of the abandoned north and east wings, she had absolutely refused to step foot in the west wing, which housed the master bedroom and Narcissa's sitting room. Looking around now she figured that this one room was as big as her entire flat, although that was a bit of an exaggeration. Narcissa was sitting up in a huge bed and seemed to be surrounded by a cloud of green down. Bellatrix was sitting next to her. Vivian hesitated at the doorway. She saw Bellatrix whisper something to Narcissa then stand and walk toward her. Vivian held her breath as Bellatrix approached, but all Bellatrix said was, "I hope this helps." Vivian still remained in the doorway even after Bellatrix was gone. She waited there for a few minutes until Narcissa asked her come over to the bed.

"Lu— Lucius told me what happened. I'm really sorry."

Narcissa looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes. "I didn't even think I wanted a child. I thought this would just be a Malfoy heir that I could farm out to nannies and governesses."

Vivian didn't know what to say. She waited for Narcissa to continue.

"The healer said it would have been a girl." She smiled painfully. "I almost had a little girl. We almost had one, I mean. You talked to Lucius? How does he seem?"

"He's… he's trying to hide it, but he's not the same. You can tell that he's hurting on the inside."

"I know he's trying to be strong for me, but I don't want him bottling it up. I tried to tell him that, but he just patted my hand." She paused. "The healer said that miscarriages are very rare in the wizarding world and they don't know what causes it. Do you think it was something I did?"

"Are you asking me as a healer, because I'm not really trained… I mean technically I am trained as a healer, but I don't really know that much about—"

"I'm asking you as my friend who has medical knowledge."

"I don't think it's likely that you did anything wrong, but stress can be a big factor in unhealthy preg…" Vivian started to cry. "Like if your h-husband's having an af-f-fair with—"

"I wasn't stressed about that, Vivian. The affair was over because I told him to end it. I was fairly secure in my marriage. It was over, right?"

Vivian hiccupped and nodded. "I'm s-so sorry, Narcissa. For all of it."

"So, it turns out you're still my best friend. I didn't even realize that I had asked for you until Bellatrix told me that you were coming. I don't blame you for the miscarriage. That's not why I wanted to see you. You're one of the people I need around me to help me through this. Lucius, Bellatrix, and you."

Vivian envied how regal Narcissa was even in the face of personal tragedy. "I'll… I'll be here for you. Just tell me if you need anything."

"Will you talk to Lucius for me?"

Vivian was taken aback by this request. "What do you want me to talk to him about?"

"About the way he's holding it in. He respects you more than me."

"Oh, Narcissa, I don't think that's true at all. He obviously respects you."

"I'm just a trophy wife and a…" She didn't have to finish the sentence; Vivian knew that Narcissa was thinking of what she had said the last time they spoke. The words "brood mare" hung painfully in the air.

"I was…" Vivian wanted to apologize, but she was cut off by Bellatrix's entrance. She walked in holding an arrangement of flowers. "These are from Andromeda. I didn't know what you'd want to do with them."

Narcissa's eyes got a little misty. "Andromeda? Who told her?"

"I think it was Mother."

Narcissa nodded and held out her hands. "Can I see them? Is there a card?"

Bellatrix handed over the flowers reluctantly. She did not seem as happy to hear from their other sister. Narcissa quickly found and read the card from Andromeda. Tears started to run down her face. She handed the card to Bellatrix. "Do you remember that? The summer at the lake?"

Bellatrix sunk down onto the bed. "I do remember. I can't believe she had the nerve to bring up our pact."

"She was just trying to reach out."

"She's the one who broke it! She's the one who chose a mudblood over her own sisters."

Vivian decided that she didn't have a place in this conversation and slipped out of the room quietly. She wandered the mansion, looking for Lucius. She finally found him standing in the downstairs drawing room holding a drink. Vivian entered the room, but he didn't seem to notice her. She cleared her throat. "Er, Lucius, I'm sorry to bother you, but I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine." He replied without making eye contact.

"Narcissa seems to think that—"

He whirled around. "Look, if you wanted to tell me that I'm a horrible husband and this is my fault, Bellatrix beat you to the punch."

"Oh, Lucius, no! It's not your fault."

"Didn't you tell Bellatrix that I was the one with a responsibility to Narcissa?"

Vivian hated the way her words were suddenly coming back to haunt her. "I did say that, but… I talked to Narcissa about the affair and I don't think it even affected her. She doesn't blame us for the miscarriage. Just… you know, don't… cheat anymore, because I think she needs you now."

Lucius looked silently into his drink for a long time before saying, "I don't know what I can do for her."

"I… don't either."

"Because there's nothing to do. It happened; it's over."

"So, you're okay?"

"No, I'm not okay! My daughter is dead. My daughter… It feels so strange to say that. I barely even had a daughter and now she's gone."

"And you're thinking about all the ways you could have spoiled her. She would have been Daddy's little girl."

Lucius looked at her like she was crazy. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't either, but Narcissa does. She needs to hear this. She doesn't want you to keep it bottled up. That's what she told me. She doesn't blame you; she's worried about you.

"She said that?"

"Yes. You lost a baby. It's nobody's fault and there's no point in assigning blame anyway. That part _is_ over. Don't listen to Bellatrix. Bellatrix is… Narcissa's not just a trophy wife, is she?"

"Did she say _that_?"

Vivian hesitated. "I said it a long time ago, when we got in a little fight over you, and she just brought it up again now. She thinks you respect me more. Which is funny if you think about it because throughout our relationship you never respected me at all. Wait, I shouldn't have said that. Pretend I didn't say that."

"I respect you both equally."

Vivian fought the urge to smirk. "How diplomatic."

"Why does Narcissa think that I don't respect her?"

"I don't know. I guess she's just in a vulnerable place right now. Maybe you've taken her for granted in the last couple years."

"By having an affair."

"Maybe. It's just a theory."

"I thought she wasn't that upset about it."

"Why don't you ask Narcissa why she thinks that?"

Lucius was silent for a few moments. "Why do _you_ think that I don't respect you?"

"We're pretending I didn't say that."

"But you did, so…"

"It's petty and stupid. It's just that I know about what happened with Evan."

"Oh, Vivian, I don't know what he told you, but—"

"He didn't, but we are back together and I'm happy. Er, I guess this needs to be said since I may be over here more now. I don't regret our time together and I don't resent you for using me to hurt Evan. I did for a while, but I've gained some perspective. It wasn't… quite a real relationship to begin with. I was just your mistress. You said whatever it took to woo me, and then it was just sex. And you're right; I didn't understand that at the level I should have. But the resentment has faded." Lucius didn't say anything. "It was good. It was fun. I now appreciate it for what it was, and I know that I want more at this stage in my life. And that's why I'm back with Evan. But I really enjoyed our little interlude together." Vivian saw an opening to bring up what that mysterious spy had said about her. It was the wrong time, and Vivian felt horrible for doing it, but it was important. "My only regret is that our break-up drove me into Sirius' arms. That's a big regret. And now there's this rumor that I'm still…"

"Yeah, I didn't start that by the way. Evan said that… I asked the Dark Lord and he said it came from an unreliable source and that it's of no consequence to him. From what I heard you weren't even mentioned by name. It's possible that the spy thought someone else was Rosier's girlfriend."

Vivian was so relieved to hear that. "We shouldn't be talking about this. We… _We _shouldn't be talking at all. You should be upstairs talking to your wife."

Lucius nodded and set down his glass. As Vivian watched him walk away, a strange feeling settled over her. She felt almost as if she had come home after a long absence. She decided that was exactly what the last couple of years had been, a long absence from her life.

---------

"I don't know how to explain it, Sirius. After that, I just sat on the couch and wondered why I would sleep with my best friend's husband. How could I do that to her? It was several minutes before I remembered the Order."

It was later that day. Disturbed by the disconnect she had felt, Vivian had fire-called Sirius as soon as she had gotten home. Since she had been assured that the spying on her had not been a sanctioned activity, she decided this was worth the risk. Sirius had flooed in moments later. She was now lying on her couch with her head in his lap. "You probably just felt guilt because of the miscarriage," he said.

"No, it wasn't guilt. I felt… a crack forming. I wasn't playing a role anymore; I was resuming a life I'd put on hold."

"Are you saying that you've… decided to… What are you saying?"

"I don't know. I feel normal now. It was probably just some sort of momentary lapse. What do you think caused it?"

"Sympathy. You felt sympathetic to Narcissa and Lucius because no one deserves to go through something like that. And with the fact that they used to be your friends and you'd had a very intimate relationship with both of them, in different ways of course, you felt guilty, not that you had slept with her husband, but that you had betrayed that friendship for the Order. Maybe subconsciously you thought for just a minute that you could, or should, be a good friend to them again."

Vivian took a deep breath and nodded. "That sounds reasonable. This is why I call you. You're very good with the theories for my behavior."

Sirius smiled. "I don't think you're nearly as complex as you think you are. I'm glad you called me. I hadn't heard from you in over a week. I thought maybe you had… and then when you were talking about reverting back… I didn't know what to think actually."

It suddenly occurred to Vivian how much Sirius had risked when he had vouched for her loyalty. If she had betrayed the Order, both the responsibility and the guilt would be on his head. She sat up. "I didn't mean to worry you. Actually, I was avoiding you, and we need to talk about why."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Okay, why?"

"A spy reported to the Dark Lord—"

"Don't call him that."

"What?"

"Don't call him the Dark Lord. Only Death Eaters call him that."

"A spy told _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_ that I was spotted at your house."

"Why would… Oh, I guess they were watching me. That's kind of a creepy thought."

Vivian stifled a gasp. It had never occurred to her that the spy would be watching Sirius. That made so much more sense than to think that she was being followed. She felt stupid and arrogant. "Well, yes, of course the assumption there is that you're being watched. You are a very prominent blood traitor. But this is having negative implications for me. I denied ever going to your house and Evan seems willing to let it go, but if we continue seeing each other—"

"And we will."

"—we need to take this into account. I can't afford to take risks like that."

"Okay, we just need to be more cautious."

"Before you were… You said that nothing would have happened between us back when Dorcas was… you know… alive. But before you fell for Dorcas, back in school, why did you believe in me so much? I mean you took a big gamble on me and I'm just wondering why."

"I have no idea. I just had a feeling about you. I thought I could tell what was genuine and what was an act. It's funny. I wanted to believe the best of you and you wanted to think the worst of me. You thought I was a… sadistic psychopath, wasn't it?"

"You tried to kill my brother."

Sirius grinned. "How is your brother?"

"He hasn't spoken to me since the night you and I slept to— since the night he thinks we slept together."

"Oh, because of me?"

"No, it's a coincidence," she replied sarcastically.

"I'm really sorry to hear that I've caused a rift."

Vivian smiled. "No, you're not. You're probably thrilled that…" She started to laugh. "I can just picture you casually reminding him that you've shagged his dear sister. And that's really fine, because I knew from the beginning that you hate each other and that your personality is such that you would do something like that."

"So I have your blessing to lord it over him?"

"No, I just meant that you're going to do whatever you want to do, and I'm willing to acknowledge that I'm the one hurting Severus, not you. I'm accepting my part in this. It's not fine if you do that. I didn't mean it like that. Wow, I've never been the one with the power to grant permission. I forbid you to do that to Severus."

"I don't actually need your permission."

Vivian sighed heavily. "I know. It was just fun to say."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I won't do it," he said reluctantly.

She smiled. "You're a good man, Sirius Black. So how are we going to be more cautious?"

Sirius shrugged. "We just will be."

"I think some people are cut out for spying and some aren't."

"Are you saying that I wouldn't make a good spy?"

"Good job! Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"So enlighten me, O Experienced One. What was the right answer to that question? How will we be more cautious?"

"Well, starting tonight, at each meeting we will set up the next meeting. If, for some reason, one of us can't make it… I think we should establish some sort of code for that case. Etcetera."

"Etcetera? How descriptive."

"Well, we can hammer out the details right now."

"So tonight's not the night?"

"For what? Oh. No, not tonight. We're taking it slow."

Sirius nodded. "Okay, I think the first thing we should do is set up your anti-apparation wards to recognize and admit my apparation. I think that it won't be safe at my house because you could be spotted through the window. So your flat should really be our primary meeting place. Thus I need… unrestricted access because if I apparate directly that can't be traced."

"You need unrestricted access to my flat? You can't just pop in whenever you like, you know."

"I know. You could change the wards at each designated time, but that sounds like a hassle and you've never even bothered to fix them so that you can apparate in."

"Yes, that's interesting; you'll be able to apparate in and I won't."

"I'll arrange it so that you can as well."

"Wait, why are _you_ doing it?"

"I thought you had trouble with those charms."

"I don't have trouble. I just… I can do them. But I guess you can go ahead and do it if you want. I suppose it's somewhat related to your job. Yes, do it. It'll be good practice for you."

Sirius smiled. "You really don't know how, do you?"

Vivian huffed indignantly. "I know how, in theory. It's just that they're very complicated and I hear if they're done wrong, the results can be disastrous. I wouldn't want you to get splinched."

"Right, so I'll take care of that. And you can be in charge of…er…"

"The anti-conception potions like a good little witch?" she asked with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry, Vivian. Do you feel that I'm being condescending?"

"Well, as it is a medicinal potion, I should hope that you would allow me to--"

"I'm an auror! How dare you imply that I wouldn't be good at subterfuge!"

"When did I— Oh." Vivian giggled. "That didn't even occur to me. So, what am I in charge of?"

"Creating the code. It needs to have several aspects to cover any scenario and be entirely unique onto itself. And it needs to be simple enough that it can be remembered with out being written down."

"Wait, I really don't think that this should be the main meeting place. I have a boyfriend. What if he shows up unexpectedly?"

"Okay, I'll set up my house to allow you unrestricted entrance too. I know that's what you were angling for. We'll work that into the code. For example, to signify that you want to meet at my place, we'll use the word…"

"I'll figure it out."

"Good. I'm going to work on your apparation wards while you work on that."

"This sounds like a fun date."

"This wasn't a date. It was you freaking out about something and calling me to calm you down."

Vivian wasn't sure; it seemed like a date to her. "Okay, then. I'll let you get to work."

Vivian watched Sirius deconstruct her wards and tried to meditate on a code. She didn't want to mention it to Sirius, but this also seemed more suited for an auror. She supposed that sneaking around wasn't really an area in which a talent with potions could be easily capitalized on.

--------

Evan answered his door wearing plain black robes. "Oh, you're not wearing _that_, are you?" asked Vivian as she headed for his wardrobe.

Evan followed her into his bedroom. "Why do we have to have dinner with Lucius and Narcissa?"

"Because they are going through a tough time and they're your family. Not to mention your friends."

"No, they are your friends. I can't stand Lucius and I don't want to have dinner with your ex-lover."

"Well, you can show him how happy we are and that it would be futile to try to seduce me again. Here—" She held out forest green robes. "—wear these."

Evan tossed the robes on the bed. "Has he been trying to seduce you?"

Vivian turned to face him. "No, he's been mourning his daughter. Come on, Evan, don't be jealous of Lucius." She pulled him close and wrapped her arms around his torso.

"How can I not be jealous of him? It was only a couple months ago that you thought you were in love with him. And he only dumped you because Narcissa was pregnant, but she isn't anymore. What's to stop him from trying to get you back?"

She looked up at him, but his eyes didn't meet her gaze. "Look at me." He did. "It doesn't matter what Lucius wants. I want to be with you." Evan's pout slowly melted into a smile. "Now you should kiss me," Vivian whispered.

Evan lowered his head and Vivian felt a strange flip in her stomach as she realized that she wanted him to kiss her. She told herself it was just so that she'd know he had been placated on the Lucius issue. Evan glanced suggestively at the bed and Vivian tried to calculate if they had enough time for that. However, by the time she had assessed that they really didn't quite, she was already flat on her back.

--------

Vivian was still trying to get her hair back in place when the Malfoys' house elf opened the door. As they were led to the formal living room, Vivian whispered, "Remember not to say anything about babies."

"I know," he whispered back.

"And don't mention Andromeda. Narcissa and Bellatrix got into a fight over her a few days ago."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. Don't get upset if Narcissa mentions the affair. We need to give her some leeway." Vivian wanted to also remind him not to fight with Lucius but at that moment they entered the living room. Narcissa promptly descended on them, chastising them for being late. Vivian looked around to see Lucius and Rodolphus standing on one side of the room, drinks in hand, and Bellatrix sitting on the couch. "I'm sorry, Narcissa. Evan spilled something on his robes."

Narcissa nodded. "I'm just so glad that you made it."

Vivian smiled, but when she turned to look at Evan her smile faded. He was giving Lucius the evil eye. Vivian really regretted that she hadn't had the chance to remind him that Lucius had also lost a child and deserved compassion. Vivian tugged on Evan's sleeve and pulled him over to greet Bellatrix. It was going to be a long night.


	10. August 1979

**Disclaimer: **This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**  
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**Chapter 10**

_**August 1979**_

Since the miscarriage, Vivian had been a frequent visitor to Malfoy Manor. She and Narcissa seemed to have honestly patched up their friendship and it was as if those months of unpleasantness had never happened. Talking with Narccisa now in her sitting room, Vivian was pleased to see that her friend appeared almost happy.

Out of nowhere, Narcissa asked, "You never told Lucius all those things I said about him, did you?"

"What things?"

Narcissa shifted awkwardly and looked away. "Er, the 'better you than me' comment, for example."

"No, I don't think that ever came up."

"Oh, good."

They sat there in silence for a minute. Finally, Vivian broke the peace. "Why do you ask?"

"I just think that maybe it would actually be better if he only had sex with me from now on."

"You actually implied back then that you weren't very fond of that particular wifely duty."

Narcissa's cheeks tinged with pink. Vivian had never seen her like that before. Narcissa was not the kind of woman who blushed. "Yes, well, maybe I wasn't approaching it in the right frame of mind. No, actually I don't think it was all me. I mean, okay, maybe I was frigid, but I feel like he approached as a chore, a necessary undertaking in order to produce an heir. Especially after he started sha… having an affair."

"And now that's all changed?"

"Yes. It happened so suddenly too. I reach out for him one night and it was so different. Nicer. Did you know that sex can be very comforting?"

Vivian's mind involuntarily drifted to Sirius. "Actually, I can see how it would be."

"It's different now. He's doing it differently. It's just more intimate. When I'm with him now I feel so safe and protected, like he'll never let anything hurt me again. He takes away all the pain, just for that little while. And he has this habit of falling asleep holding my hand. Did he… ever do anything like that with you?"

He had, but Vivian was so moved by the brightness in Narcissa's eyes that she decided to lie. "No."

"Oh, but still I can see why you fell in love with him. Is this a weird conversation to be having?"

Vivian shrugged. "Not if we don't let it be. I'm not still in love with your husband. We've worked through that whole… I think that if you're not uncomfortable with it, it's fine."

"Do you think Lucius fancies me?"

Vivian started to laugh. "I don't know. Why don't you pass him a note in Charms and ask him?"

"I'm serious. Do you think… Do you think he could fall in love with me?"

Vivian sobered. "Yes, I think he could," she said in all honesty.

"Oh." Narcissa smiled and her expression got dreamy.

"You have a crush on your own husband, don't you?"

She scoffed. "Vivian,… Yeah, I think I do. Wouldn't it be romantic if we fell in love? A child bride plucked from her family, forced to marry a much older man. It's like a romance novel."

"But you weren't a child bride."

"Eighteen is young. How about 'a young virgin?'"

Vivian started to laugh again. After a few seconds, Narcissa joined in. It wasn't long until Lucius poked his head through the door. "What are you two talking about?"

"Romance novels," replied Narcissa, making Vivian laugh harder. She looked up at Lucius and saw something in his eyes that told her that he was already falling in love with his wife.

-----

Vivian wondered where Sirius was. She had sent the letter giving him the all clear nearly an hour before. She tapped her foot impatiently and gazed out the window. It seemed to her that if he was going to be late, he could at least have the courtesy to send a note. Suddenly a loud pop startled her and she lost her balance. She felt Sirius lift her to her feet. Embarrassed, she took a deep breath and summoned all her indignation, before whirling around. "What took you so long?"

"I was with James and it took a while to wrap up the conversation."

"So I rank below James on your list of priorities. Good to know."

"Well, it's not so much… Yeah, you really do."

Vivian sighed. "I can live with that."

"So," started Sirius, eyes shining. "Why were you so anxious? Is tonight the night?"

"I don't know," Vivian said coyly. "We'll see how it goes."

"I'll take that as a no." He sat on the couch. "By the way, Remus is getting worried that he hasn't heard from you in months."

"I don't have anything to tell him. The research is going excruciatingly slow. Although you didn't hear any of that from me because we're not seeing each other."

"Right."

Vivian sat next to him on the couch. "Don't you ever get tired of staying in all the time? I wish we could go out."

"Are you saying I bore you? Because I know something we can do."

Vivian leaned in to kiss him, and she was really enjoying it until he snaked his hands under her robes. She loved snogging Sirius, so why did she always feel uncomfortable when he tried to take it further? They'd been together for two months. Why wasn't she ready? She pulled away.

Sirius swore under his breath. "Vivian,… I mean it's fine if you're not ready; I'm not trying to… Are you sure that you're not mistaking friendship for something more?"

Vivian pretended to think about it for a few seconds. "I think I am. Let's just be friends." She laughed. "Why would anyone want to sleep with you anyway?"

"I can't tell if you're being serious."

"I'm not. I'm just not ready yet."

"Okay, and that's fine. It's just… didn't this start with a sexual emphasis?"

Vivian tried to come up with a response to that. He was right, after all. The answer came to her with a gasp. "Oh, Merlin, I_ am_ screwed up about sex." She stood up. "It feels weird with you."

"That's why I asked if you were sure—"

"I am sure though." She made an emphatic hand motion. "That's just the thing. I'm sure that I want to have sex with you; so why does this have to be so complicated?"

Sirius looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't say a word. Vivian knew what he was thinking anyway. It shouldn't be complicated. It should be the most natural thing in the world.

-----

Vivian let herself into Evan's flat. She saw that he was reading a letter and he seemed distraught about something. She closed the door a bit loudly to get his attention.

At the sudden noise, Evan head shot up. "Oh, Vivian, I forgot you coming over. I actually need to go see Rookwood, but… you can come too, if you want."

Vivian shrugged. "Do you want me to?"

"Yeah, it'll only take a few minutes and then we'll go out afterwards. I'll meet you there." He disapparated.

Vivian was surprised for a second. She wasn't even sure if she knew where Rookwood lived. She decided that whatever had Evan so distracted was worth knowing. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and disapparated. When she opened her eyes, she was pleased to see Evan starting up the steps to Rookwood's house. She quickly caught up with him.

A house elf answered the door and wordlessly escorted them to the living room. Rookwood was sitting there with a pretty young woman.

When he saw them enter, Rookwood stood. "Ah, Evan, Miss Snape, it's a pleasure to see you both. You remember my daughter, Charissa. She just finished her last year at Hogwarts."

"Yes, of course," Evan responded. "You've certainly grown up a lot in the last two years, Charissa." Charissa blushed. Vivian rolled her eyes.

"Well, Evan and I have some business to discuss in my study," said Rookwood. "We'll leave you two here to engage in feminine chitchat."

Vivian smiled artificially and sat in a chair opposite Charissa. She tried to remember something about Charissa that she could use as a conversational starting point, but nothing came to mind. Finally, Charissa spoke. "I didn't know that Daddy and Evan were in business together. Does he come over here often?"

Vivian started to say something about their "business," but instead she just said, "Not that I know of."

"I used to fancy him like mad when we were in school together."

Vivian stared at the girl across from her in disbelief. "Yes, well, who didn't? So, are you seeing anyone now?"

"No." Charissa looked over at the wall and an awkward silence hung between them. Vivian wondered if it would be rude to just ask Charissa if she realized that Evan was taken. It may have never occurred to her, as Evan had never been the one-woman type before. In fact, it struck Vivian that he'd only been in two actual relationships and they were both with her. She started to reflect on how amazing it was that she had managed to hold onto Evan this long when Charissa spoke again.

"I don't mean to be rude, but are you his latest… er,… what's the word?"

"Girlfriend?"

Charissa looked down and Vivian got the distinct impression that she really hadn't meant to be rude. "Right. I just wasn't sure if that was the right word."

"It is."

Charissa's eyes grew wide. "Wow. What's that like? I can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone like Evan. He has quite a reputation, you know."

Vivian wanted to ask what exactly she had meant by that, but at that moment, the men entered the room again. She saw the way Charissa looked up at Evan and realized that she still hadn't made it clear that Evan was unavailable. It almost made her gag to realize that Charissa, who seemed very young and naïve was fantasizing about becoming Evan's latest conquest. She thought back to her conversation with Narcissa and the strange things that women consider romantic when they are young. Vivian tried to stand, hoping they could leave then, but Evan put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her back into her chair. She was annoyed when Evan struck up a conversation with Charissa. She was even more annoyed to see a flicker of lust in his eye. As the conversation progressed beyond the point of polite small talk, she turned her gaze back to the blushing little twit in front of her. She really was very beautiful.

-----

Vivian was not exactly surprised by Evan's announcement. She had seen it coming that first day, hadn't she? And every time he had "needed" to see Rookwood again, she had known why. For two weeks, she'd been waiting to hear some variation of: "I'm sorry, Vivian, but I can't deny anymore that there's someone else." So, if she wasn't surprised, then why was she screaming at him? Why did she even care that he was leaving her for some bimbo he just met? She stopped yelling and took a deep breath. "Fine."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't care if you leave me. It doesn't matter. I'll move on and you'll be stuck with that idiot who can't even figure out what "business" you and her father have. It's your loss."

"Now don't insult her. It's not Charissa's fault."

"I know. She's not smart enough to pull off stealing someone's boyfriend."

"Vivian, what we had was special, but it's run its course." He was still trying to calm her down, not realizing that she already was.

"Please spare me the platitudes. We never worked together. We were always searching the horizon for something better. This time you found it. It's fine; I don't care. I'm leaving."

Evan called after her to stop, but she didn't listen. "Oh, okay. I guess I'll... see you around then," he said awkwardly.

Vivian apparated straight from the hallway outside Evan's flat to Sirius's house. She knew she was taking a risk, showing up there unannounced. She was pleased to see that Sirius was alone in his living room.

"Vivian, what—"

"I'm ready."

"Excuse me?"

"Take me now. I'm ready."

"Vivian, you don't quite sound like yourself."

She quickly crossed the room and straddled him. "I want to have sex with you tonight. Now, before… I want to move on first. Of course that's assuming that they haven't already…"

Sirius lifted her off him and placed her next to him on the couch. "You're not making any sense."

"Evan broke up with me tonight. He left me for Charissa Rookwood."

Sirius unconsciously smiled. "Oh, Charissa! She was—"

"Don't finish that sentence. I don't want to know what she was. She's a horrible, insipid cow who stole my boyfriend."

"So, you want to sleep with me to get back at him?"

Vivian hesitated. "No, I don't care about Evan and his little bimbo."

"You care enough to keep blaming Charissa, the cow rather than blame the guy who dumped you."

"Oh." He had a point there. "It's not Charissa's fault. I know that she thought I was just the latest in a long string of women."

"Technically, you were."

"No, I was the only woman to tie him down in a relationship." Vivian knew she sounded defensive, and she tried to correct that. "But Charissa didn't know that. Even if she did pursue him, she didn't know what she was destroying. I actually feel sorry for her. She's romanticized the idea of being used for sex. It's really quite pathetic."

"Maybe that what he likes about her."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Maybe he's attracted to her wide-eyed romanticism."

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, so it was my fault. I was too much with the cynicism and too lacking with the fawning adoration." Too defensive.

"You are taking this break-up far too personally."

She chose her words carefully. "It is personal. He chose her over me."

"I'd choose you every time."

"Really?" Vivian pulled her legs under her. "So what was Charissa? What were you going to say?"

"I was going to say that I remember her as an insipid bimbo."

Vivian smiled and shook her head. "No, you weren't."

"Well, she is the fawning type." She did not like the way he said that at all. "What did you mean by…"

"By what?"

"You said she didn't know what she was destroying. You're upset because you lost a contact, right?"

"A contact? I lost a… a contact. You're right."

"You've been doing that a lot recently."

Vivian played dumb. "What?"

"Forgetting about the Order. Ever since the miscarriage you've had episodes like these."

"I didn't forget," she said quietly.

"I'm worried about you. Maybe the pressure is—"

"No! I'm fine. I was just upset that he chose another woman over me. That hurts, regardless of how invested you are in the relationship. I was focusing on that and not on the Order, but I didn't forget. I never forget the Order."

"What about the day Narcissa miscarried?"

"Okay, I don't think of them as contacts anymore. I think of Narcissa as my friend and Evan as my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. It's just easier that way, but the Order is always in the back of my mind. I'm not cracking underneath the pressure." She was still being defensive, just about something else this time.

"Okay, I'm… I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"The break-up?"

"Yes. Do you want to tell me what Charissa is destroying?"

"No, I actually want to hear what you were really going to say about her."

"She's a nice girl."

"You mean she's pretty enough to make up for how dull she is. Go on. How well do you know Charissa?"

"Not that well, she was a year behind me and in a different house. I remember that when she was younger, she was tall, skinny, and awkward. Then, at some point, she blossomed. It seemed to happen overnight. I never really paid attention to her, but I overheard some Slytherins talking about her. Actually I don't know if she was nice or dull. I never talked to her."

"Were you ever interested in her?"

"Well, I was with Dorcas at that point, but I could have been tempted."

That actually stung Vivian. "You weren't tempted by me."

Sirius smiled. "Oh, Vivian, don't pout."

"I'm not pouting," she said. Then, realizing that she was in fact pouting, she tried to subtly suck in her bottom lip. "Oh, and you don't have to be so happy that I'm jealous of your attraction to her."

"I was a little concerned about your feelings for Evan. It's nice to be reassured that you get jealous because of me too."

"So everyone is jealous here. That's… I don't even know what to say about that."

"Are you still ready?"

She hesitated. "I don't just want to sleep with you to get back at Evan, you know. But I think you should know that the reason I wasn't ready before had a lot to do with him. My feelings for him were complicating things, which is ironic if you think about it."

"So you have feelings for him?"

"That doesn't mean the pressure's getting to me."

"I didn't say that. Don't be so defensive."

"I'm really trying not to be. Although I guess you might have a point about that. I'm starting to feel a dichotomy. It's like I have two separate lives and when I'm in that other life…" Vivian did not want to admit this. "…sometimes I do forget this life. And it did start that day at Malfoy Manor. But I think it's good. I don't think it's interfering with my ability to gather information. It helps actually. You were right though, about all of it. Now that I've wound down from my other life and I'm actually seeing what's in front of me in the right context, I am ready."

"So, you don't hate Evan anymore?"

"No, right now I do."

"Because he dumped you, but you don't hate him the way—"

Vivian did not like where this was going. "I do," she said firmly. "I can't explain it, but I do hate him the way I always have."

Sirius sighed. "In this life. But when you were with him, you didn't hate him?"

"This is going to be a problem, isn't it?"

"I think I had a very philosophical approach to you sleeping with another man for information. But now you're saying that it wasn't just that."

"Well,… It was… It's complicated."

"Yeah, my girlfriend is having sex with Rosier and not with me." Vivian smiled. "Why are you smiling?"

"That was the first time you ever called me your girlfriend."

"Ah. That doesn't really change the situation."

"Sirius, I'm not sleeping with Evan anymore. And I want to be sleeping with you. That changes the situation completely around." Sirius didn't say anything. "We're never really in sync on this, are we? If I'd been ready last time, we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

"You weren't ready last time because you didn't want to cheat on Rosier. That's what you just said."

"I said… You don't understand the dichotomy. That woman, the one who had feelings for Evan, is not the same one who is sitting in front of you right now. That's a different life."

"You haven't really done a good job of separating the two. In fact, it doesn't seem like a dichotomy; it seems like your other life is bleeding into this one."

"That may be how it seems, but… Are you saying that… Wh—what are you saying exactly?"

"I don't know. I'm just trying to voice my concerns."

"But where do we go from here? Do you want me to leave? Is this insurmountable for you? Are you ending it? I don't really know what's going on."

Sirius grew pensive. Vivian waited for him to respond, but as the minutes ticked by, he remained silent. Finally, after what she figured was about ten minutes, Vivian stood and started toward the door. She wasn't sure why she didn't just apparate, but figured it had something to do with an unconscious desire for a dramatic exit. It worked, too, because as she reached for the doorknob she felt Sirius come up behind her. He placed his left hand on the door to hold it closed. Vivian turned around slowly. "I don't want you to leave," he said.

Vivian leaned back against the door. All she could think was that if he placed his right hand on the other side of her, then he would pin her to the wall for the fourth time. She remembered the third time, all those months ago, when she had figured that the fourth time he pinned her to the wall would be the time they finally have sex. She thought it would be perfect symmetry if it worked out that way.

Sirius didn't place his right hand on the other side of her head. In fact, apparently realizing that he no longer needed to hold her in, he dropped his left arm to his side. Vivian let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. She placed her hand on his chest. "I wish you wouldn't worry about it so much. What matters is that I want you. If… if the other life is bleeding into this one then we'll deal with that later. But right now I still have a grip on the real me."

"The other you is real too. It's just that—"

"Shut up." She reflexively pushed him back with the hand that was still on his chest. "Just stop fighting me on this. I want _you_, Sirius. Evan is a non-issue, remember?"

"No, Evan _was_ a non-issue."

"Why did you stop me just now? So that we could keep hashing this out over and over again? I can't change what happened, so you need to make a decision. Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go?"

"I want you to stay, but—"

"No, no, there's no 'but.'"

"I just need a little more time to think about it."

"Then I'm leaving. Owl me when you've decided." She turned back to the door.

"No!" His hand shot up to the left of her head again. "I'm afraid that if you leave, that'll be the end. Maybe if I'd just told Dorcas that I didn't want her to leave, I wouldn't have so many regrets. I don't want you to become a missed opportunity."

"So you want me to stand here for an hour while you come to a decision?"

"I've made my decision."

Vivian's heart leapt. If it had been bad news, he would have let her leave. She walked past him and sat on the couch. "Let's hear it."

Sirius walked over to her but remained standing. "I can get past the Evan issue, but I don't want you to… start shagging anyone else. There has to be another way to get information."

Vivian nodded slowly. "Okay. I can work with that. I'm heartbroken. I don't want anyone else. Move on? Oh, of course _you_ would think it's that simple, Lucius." She nodded more fervently. "I can definitely work with this. It'll help soften the slut image too."

"Well, that's a cold, calculated analysis. I like the way you tried it out first."

Vivian grimaced. "Is that off-putting?"

Sirius smiled for what seemed to Vivian like the first time in hours. "No. That's part of your charm."

"So… now what?" Vivian pulled back her shoulders to subtly accentuate her chest.

Sirius sat next to her on the couch and shrugged. "I don't know."

"Do you want to have make-up sex?"

"Why do you always have to label it? Rebound sex, grieving sex, make-up sex…"

"Yeah, I'm not ready anymore."

"What?"

"If you're going to make fun of me, I don't want to have great make-up sex with you anymore." Vivian crossed her arms.

Sirius took her hands in his. "No, no. That's another part of your charm. You're very charming." He leaned in to kiss her.

"But aren't you upset that the reason—"

He put a finger to her lips. "Shh. No, we are finally on the same page here. No more arguing or debating. Tonight is the night."

Vivian scooted back. "Wait, I'm having second thoughts."

"Why?" he asked in a very controlled tone. Vivian appreciated the way he tried to conceal his frustration.

"It's just… It's…"

"I have to be honest; I don't understand your hesitation. This would have happened months ago if Lucius hadn't broken into your flat that night."

"I know, and I was a little relieved when he showed up."

"Again, why?"

She sighed. "It's not that I don't want to be with you, Sirius. It's just… weird."

"Go on."

"It's weird because I've never been in a situation like this. My experiences with sexual relationships aren't exactly conventional. I had a bit of a professional detachment to it all, not unlike a prostitute actually. Remember? In April, I said that if you just told me what your ulterior motive was I'd be more likely to sleep with you. That was familiar territory. This isn't."

"There's really only one way to get past that. In fact, for your psychological health, I think we have to have sex."

Vivian smiled. "And I want to, I really do, but—"

"No, no, there is no 'but.'"

"Right." Vivian cleared her throat. "So, where's the bedroom in this place?"

"Oh, it is right over here." Sirius held out his hand to gesture the way.

Vivian stood and smoothed her robes. "That first door on the left?" Sirius nodded, and Vivian took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm ready." She walked over to the bedroom, not bothering to make sure Sirius was following her. She opened the door to his bedroom and stood in the doorway. She felt Sirius come up behind her. "This is a nice room."

"Thank you. You know, Vivian, if you're not sure about this, it's okay."

Vivian turned around. "No, I am sure now." She pulled him into the bedroom and closed the door.


	11. September 1979

**Author's Note: **Right, so it's been more than six months, and I haven't heard from my beta. So I'm going to put this up unbeta-ed, and let you judge it. Because I don't want to wait anymore. Sorry for the delay.

This new revelation about Snape's close friendship with Lily has thrown me for a loop. It's too late to incorporate now, so I'm not going to, but I will accept that he carried a torch for her. Only Vivian didn't know that. So I've changed the end of this chapter to reflect that better, but in my universe Snape and Lily were not friends.

Edit: It's been so long, I forgot that my section breaks don't show up from Word. Sorry if you read it before it was fixed.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

_**September 1979**_

Vivian did not want to leave Sirius' house, but Narcissa had called for her. Actually minutes before Vivian left work, an owl arrived for her demanding her attendance at Malfoy Manor that evening. She had stopped by Sirius' house to let him know.

Now that Evan was gone, Lucius and Narcissa were all Vivian had left. She knew she had to go see Narcissa, but, as she stood in Sirius' living room, she realized how much she did not want to go back to that life. She hadn't seen any of those people since the night Evan had broken up with her. She had spent every minute outside of work at Sirius' house. It was time to come out of her self-imposed isolation. Resigned to the fact that she couldn't put this off forever, she wrote Sirius a quick note and apparated to the Malfoy grounds. As she rang the bell, Vivian put on her best "My boyfriend just broke up with me" face.

She was shocked that Narcissa answered the door herself. "Come in. Sit down." Narcissa started to walk away and Vivian followed her, bewildered. Narcissa glanced back. "You don't look so good, Vivian."

"Evan left me for Charissa Rookwood three days ago."

Narcissa stopped right in the middle of the hallway and turned around. "Oh, Vivian, I'm so sorry."

Vivian waved her hands. "No, no, I don't expect your sympathy. It's okay if you think I deserve this, that it's justice or karma, me being left for a younger, more—"

"You're actually older than me."

"Right. Well, that's not the point. I'll still understand if you're uncompassionate."

Narcissa put her hand on Vivian's shoulder. "Don't be silly. You're my friend. Besides Lucius never left me, so it's not the same."

Vivian snorted. "So, what was so urgent that you had to see me?"

"Oh. We should go sit down." She turned suddenly and walked away again. Vivian had to jog a little to catch up.

When they finally arrived at the drawing room of Narcissa's choice and sat down, she said, "I'm pregnant. Is it too soon? It feels like it's too soon."

"Er… You mean emotionally?"

"I mean in every way. I just lost a child; I can't go through that again."

Vivian's head was swimming. "There is no reason to think… er… to think that you will… I can't believe you're pregnant. N-no reason to think that you will miscarry again. I'm sorry. What did Lucius say?"

"I haven't told him yet." Narcissa did not seem to think this was at all odd.

"Why not?"

"I want to wait until we're out of the first trimester. There's no point in getting his hopes up."

"Narcissa, if you…" Vivian did not want to bring up the possibility of another miscarriage. "You won't lose this baby, but even if you did, you'd have to tell Lucius. I think it's better to tell him now."

"You don't get to make decisions about my husband," snapped Narcissa.

Vivian was taken aback. "Oh, okay. I thought… I thought you had forgiven me."

"That was when you weren't single."

"Yes, I'm going to cope with losing the love of my life by stealing your husband." Had she just called Evan the love of her life? Vivian decided to worry about that later.

"You were with Lucius longer than you were with Evan, both times combined."

"It's not the length of a relationship that determines… And need I remind you that it was your first pregnancy that ended my relationship with Lucius in the first place?" She paused. "Why are we fighting?"

"I can't lose him now." Narcissa's eyes started to fill up with tears. "I need him more than you do."

Vivian quickly moved to sit next to Narcissa on the couch and gave her a somewhat awkward but necessary hug. "I know. I wouldn't be able to take Lucius away from you, even if I wanted to. And I don't want to. I just want to stay single for awhile."

"I'm sorry for going off on you."

Vivian shook her head. "You were perfectly justified."

"If I lose this baby, I won't have to tell him. I can just pretend all the mourning is for just the one child."

"Why would you do that? To protect him?"

From the look on her face, that had never crossed Narcissa's mind. "No, to keep him. What if he decides that…"

"He's not going to leave you if you have another miscarriage."

"There has to be a Malfoy heir. That was the only reason for our marriage. I know that. You know that. What if there's a problem with me? What if I can't give him an heir?"

"There may be other options," Vivian said.

Narcissa sighed. "You're just saying that. There are no other options. If I can't have children, he'll have to marry someone else."

Vivian was silent for several seconds. She couldn't believe what she was about to say. "You and Lucius could kidnap a woman, a blonde, foreign pureblood. You'd lock her up in a remote part of the mansion and impregnate her with his child. If Lucius is adverse to rape, I can help you with that part. I know how to… You'd pretend to be pregnant. I'd be your primary caregiver. No one would have to know. And then, when the baby was born, you'd kill the mother." Vivian paused. "That's just one option, and there's no reason to think that you can't have children just yet."

"Wow. Now I feel really bad for bringing up the affair. Would you really do all that for me?"

She wanted to say no, but honestly, she was not sure. The truth was Vivian still felt unbearable, albeit irrational, guilt about the first miscarriage. "Possibly. I really don't think you're going to miscarry though. And if you give me time, I might be able to come up with a better plan where no one has to die."

"Well, I've already found a flaw in your first one."

Vivian did not doubt it. "Only one?"

"It's based on the assumption that Lucius would be willing to go through all that when he could just remarry."

"I can work him out of the equation. It'll just be harder to fake the pregnancy to him than to the rest of the world." Vivian wondered why she was trying to make this work. There had to be other options. "Or we'll form a new plan. A new plan sounds good."

Narcissa shook her head sadly. "We can't cut him out of the loop. He has to kill the girl."

Vivian was relieved to hear this. "New plan it is."

"I didn't realize we were this close."

Vivian laughed. "I don't know. I wasn't willing to kill the girl for you."

"That plan just to help me keep my husband? I don't deserve that. I haven't been a very good friend to you."

Vivian's eyes went wide. "You? What about me?"

Narcissa nodded. "I'm not going to lose this baby," she said resolutely.

"That's the spirit."

"So do we tell Lucius or not?" asked Narcissa.

"Tell him. That you're pregnant, not that we considered… what we considered."

"Okay, I'll tell him." Narcissa looked so happy that it made Vivian's heart burst. She crashing back to reality when Narcissa said, "So Evan left you for Charissa Rookwood? How old is she, fifteen?"

Vivian made a noise of disgust. "Eighteen. She just finished her last year at Hogwarts."

"Wasn't she a bit awkward looking?"

"Oh, she's blossomed."

Narcissa's voice dropped to a whisper. "I heard a rumor once that her parents were afraid she'd end up in Hufflepuff. I mean she's clearly one of the ones who skated in on their pureblood status." She continued at a normal volume. "You on the other hand… Well, that plan alone proves you belonged in Slytherin."

"Thank you." Vivian gasped. "Bellatrix could kill her."

"Charissa?" Narcissa was obviously alarmed that Vivian was upset enough for that.

"No, the girl having your baby." Vivian waved her hand. "It's a moot point. You're not going to lose the baby."

"Wait, if the plan's coming together, maybe we shouldn't tell Lucius about the baby."

"No, if he thinks about leaving you, ask him for one last chance. We'll tell him… that I know about an experimental potion. That would actually make it easier to obtain his… Don't let me think about this anymore. It won't be necessary. You'll see." She looked around. "Where is Lucius anyway?"

"He's off on secret business."

"That's what Evan used to call it. 'Business.' And Charissa would say, 'I didn't know that Daddy and Evan were in business together.' She's so stupid!" She knew she was obsessing, but it was difficult not to. She had just been dumped after all.

"It's his loss, Vivian."

"How could he choose her over me? I mean, Lucius not leaving you I can understand. But Charissa?"

"Vivian, I don't think Evan was ever really the man you wanted him to be. He is and has always been a womanizer. You'll find someone better. What about my cousin?"

"Sirius?" Vivian could not believe Narcissa would suggest such a thing.

"No, Regulus. The good cousin."

That made more sense. "He's still in school."

Narcissa shrugged. "He's seventeen."

"A grown woman dating a schoolboy? I'd feel creepy." Vivian's mind drifted to Dorcas's relationship with Sirius. She wondered if Dorcas ever felt creepy.

"What's creepy?" Vivian looked up and saw Lucius standing in the doorway.

"Dating Regulus."

"I thought you and Evan were… Oh, yes, I heard about that."

Vivian smiled. "Yes, well, I'm not really looking for dates right now anyway. I think that I'm just going to be single for a while."

Narcissa nodded. "That's a good idea. Maybe people will stop calling you a slut then."

"Narcissa!" Lucius gasped.

"Do you think that I don't know that they call me a slut? That's what happens when you sleep with a married man." Vivian stood. "Well, I need to be going now. I think Narcissa had something she wanted to tell you anyway." She gave her friend a pointed look.

Narcissa took a deep breath. "Yes, we do have some things to discuss."

-----

Vivian drummed her fingers on the table. Her blood-replenishing potion needed to stand for seven more minutes before she could add the final ingredient.

"Could you please stop doing that?"

She looked up at Carl. "Doing what?"

"Making that noise. It's very distracting." He picked up his own potion and walked out of the lab.

"What is his problem?" she asked Benjy.

He did not look up. "I don't think he likes you very much."

"We have been working together in this laboratory for—"

"His friend is missing."

"What friend? He has friends?" Vivian supposed this should not come as that much of a surprise, but she had never really thought of Carl as having a life outside the hospital.

"Caradoc Dearborn. He's been missing for a while now. There isn't much hope left. He and Carl were very close."

The name meant nothing to her. "I don't know any Caradoc."

"He was a member of the Order. He was a good man."

For some reason it sounded like an accusation to Vivian. Without meaning to, she went on the defensive "I'm not responsible for his disappearance. I am a member of the Order too."

"But Carl doesn't know that."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "So that makes it okay for him to be rude to me?"

"Maybe it does. It's time for you to add the comfrey."

Vivian looked into her cauldron. The potion had turned deep purple. She mentally cursed herself for not minding the time. She was lucky that Benjy was so attentive. She added the comfrey and scooped the potion into a goblet. Just as she was ready to take the potion to the patient, Carl returned.

"After I finish with this potion, I'm going to take my lunch break," she announced to no one in particular.

Benjy grunted something that she took to be "Okay."

Most of the time Vivian would take a longer way just to avoid going past Sara's desk, but she was so hungry on her way back that she didn't want to go through the hassle. When she heard Sara call out, "Vivian, wait!" she regretted her decision. Despite the fact that Sara had turned to Vivian a couple times in desperation, their animosity had continued just as strongly as before.

Vivian turned and saw Sara waddle out from behind her desk. At this point Sara was around six months pregnant and getting quite large. "I heard about what happened with Evan."

"And…?"

Sara's eyes went wide. "And I was wondering how you're doing. You must be crushed."

Vivian wasn't fooled by her false sincerity. "You're actually enjoying this, aren't you?"

"No! I can't imagine how I would feel if my Patrick left me for some eighteen year old floozy."

"When's the wedding?"

"This weekend. You're not invited."

Vivian gave a forced smile. "Does he know that you're a witch yet?"

Sara hesitated. "It hasn't come up."

"Yeah, good luck with that." At that, Vivian continued on her way to the cafeteria.

As usual, Vivian sat alone during her lunch break. She gazed absentmindedly at the door as she enjoyed her chicken salad. She saw Octavia Valetudo walk in, which wasn't surprising as Octavia did work at the hospital, but what was unexpected was that Octavia was accompanied by Laura Brooks, who did not.

Back at school, Laura, Octavia, Carl, and Vivian had all studied healing together. Normally, healer training at Hogwarts consisted of volunteering in the hospital wing during sixth and seventh year and soaking up as much knowledge from Madam Pomfrey as possible. However, since there was an unprecedented four students studying with her in Vivian's year, Madam Pomfrey had organized them into a class. The class met for an hour every Thursday night. Twice a month, they would also have a class on specialized potions with Slughorn. After school, Octavia, the star of the class, had secured a prestigious position working with incurable disorders and Laura had gone to work for the Bobbin family's apothecary chain. Vivian firmly believed that the only reason Laura, who had never show any interest in medicinal potions, had gotten the job was because her brother-in-law, Frank Longbottom, was a good friend of Nathaniel Bobbin, the heir to the apothecary fortune. Vivian, with her limited connections, had always been very bitter about nepotism, real or imagined.

Although they worked at the same hospital, Vivian hadn't spoken to Octavia once since they had finished school. So she was surprised when Octavia and Laura came over to her table.

"Hi, Vivian!" said Laura brightly. "It feels like I haven't seen you in years."

Vivian smiled. "It has been over two years."

"I know! It's so hard to believe that it's already been that long since we were in school. I feel so old." Laura sat down. "So, how have you been?"

"I have been fine. How's life at Bobbin's?"

"Oh, it's good, it's good. I really like it there." She looked up at her friend. "Octavia, sit down."

Vivian saw the reluctance in Octavia's face as she sank into a chair. "So, Laura, what brings you to the hospital? I hope everything's okay."

"Oh, no, it's going to be fine. My sister was just… I had to drag her here to get checked out. Aurors seem to think that they're invincible, don't they? So are you seeing anyone?"

Vivian cleared her throat. "No, not presently. You?"

"Oh, yes. Well, maybe. I'm not quite sure actually."

Octavia spoke up for the first time. "What do you mean you're not sure? Laura, I thought you were going to talk to him about that."

Vivian was only half listening as their conversation shifted from men to work. In fact, Vivian was starting to wonder why she was being forced to endure their mindless chatter when she heard Octavia mention werewolves. _Everything happens for a reason_, thought Vivian as she heard the words "Wolfsbane Potion." She hadn't thought of it before but she supposed lycanthropy would be classified as an incurable disorder.

"They say it's almost ready for human trials."

Vivian forced herself to sound light and conversational. "They've said that before."

"True, but this is Damocles Belby, not some inept—" Octavia cut herself off.

"Inept…?" prodded Vivian.

"Fine." Octavia shrugged. "I think our potion research department at this hospital is under-trained and not up to a task of this nature."

"But I'm sure the healer staff is much more capable, right?" Vivian said sarcastically.

"Don't get defensive, Vivian. It's not as if you work in that department. I have worked with those people. They are incompetent. I think it should have been handled by Belby or the Bobbin's staff in the first place."

"Oh, you can leave Bobbin's out of this," said Laura quietly.

Octavia continued. "St. Mungo's has a monopoly in England. I can't do my work anywhere else, but that doesn't mean I have to like or defend the staff."

"No, I think you have a point, Octavia. I don't work with experimental potions. I wouldn't know if the staff is capable or not." Vivian didn't know how she had let them get off the topic of the Wolfsbane Potion, and worse, she didn't know how she could casually bring it up again. She knew it was pathetic and a little irrational, but she was thinking that getting this information would show Sirius that she was a good, helpful girlfriend. "So, what were you saying about the potion?" _Smooth, Vivian,_ she thought sarcastically.

"Oh, just that Damocles thinks it'll only be a matter of months at this point." She paused. "Do you ever think about the war?"

"Excuse me?"

"There's a war going on out there. I feel insulated from it when I'm here, in this neutral facility. I'm a pureblood; we all are. Maybe it's different for you, Laura, having Aurors in the family, but it seems like it has nothing to do with me."

"I know what you mean," said Vivian after a second. "I know that I'm very affected by this war and… I have a lot of close friends who are involved, but I still feel removed from the whole thing."

They both looked at Laura. "I'm rarely not thinking about the war," she said. "But, like you said, my sister and her husband are Aurors. Alice's been in the hospital three times in the last year. Vivian?"

"Yes?"

"Your close friends, they're Death Eaters, aren't they?"

Vivian thought about her public image. "I don't know any Death Eaters, Laura," she said in an obviously forced tone. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about the war anymore."

"That's probably a good idea. I'm sorry I brought it up," said Octavia.

"Actually, I should probably be getting back to the laboratory now." Vivian stood. "It was nice seeing both of you again." Both women seemed distracted and troubled as Vivian walked away.

-----

When her day was over, Vivian rushed to Sirius' house. Without thinking, she Apparated directly into his living room. She froze when she saw that James was standing there talking to Sirius. James just stared at her. Vivian could feel her jaw moving but nothing was coming out. Distantly it occurred to her that she would have to actually form and vocalize an explanation before it could be heard. She looked over at Sirius standing on the other side of the room, then focused her eyes on James again.

Vivian cleared her throat and extended her hand. "Hello, I'm Vivian Snape."

James shook her hand, confused. "I know."

"I wasn't expecting you to be here, Potter."

Sirius crossed the room. "I thought you—"

"That's the problem; you shouldn't be thinking of me. I'm with Evan. You have to let go."

Sirius seemed amused by this. "What are you talking about?"

Vivian rolled her eyes. If it had been anyone else, Sirius would have gone along with what she was saying, probably. However, of course, he didn't see James as a threat. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. "This is what I'm talking about."

James grabbed the paper out of her hand, and his eyes grew wide as he read it. Vivian hadn't expected him to do that. She didn't even know what the paper said.

"This is a list of… of Death Eat—"

Vivian snatched it back, horrified. She looked down, and sure enough, it was her notes of things to tell Benjy. "Well, obviously that wasn't the actual letter Sirius sent me," she said, ignoring James's expression and putting the paper back in her pocket. "I don't have it on me. I was just being dramatic."

"Then where is it?" asked Sirius.

"Oh, I could go get it, but do you really want James to read it, as he apparently—"

"I am much less concerned—" interrupted James, "—with this alleged letter than I am with the fact that you have such intimate knowledge of Death Eater activities."

"Oh, James, I don't have any knowledge, about anything, but if I did, would you really be surprised?"

"Surprised that you have the ability to Apparate into Sirius' home? Yes. Surprised that you would blithely wave around a document like that? Just a bit. Sur—"

"I didn't know you were going to take it from me! Who does that?"

"It is normal to be curious since we're in a time of war." James responded.

"Fine. I just came to tell Sirius: leave me alone, I have boyfriend, and your attention is unwanted."

"I wasn't aware that you and Rosier had gotten back together."

"We got back together mon— Oh. I _don't_ have a boyfriend. Er, but the rest of it still applies. I'm going to go now." Vivian Apparated as a blush crept up her cheeks. That definitely had not gone as well as it could have.

The two men stood in silence for a few moments before James finally spoke. "I think you should reconsider, Sirius."

"Reconsider what?"

James hesitated. "I know that you like the thrill of the chase, but that woman is bad news. Have you thought about what happens after you catch her? Look, I get it. She's a challenge, and her quirkiness is attractive, and it'll just drive her brother insane, but you can't just ignore all her bad points. Have you thought about afterwards at all?"

"What if things aren't as black and white as you think they are, James? What if she's more on the fence than you realize?" Sirius kept his tone good-natured.

James raised his eyebrows. "Is that what she told you? Wow, is she selling you some line about being uncertain and thinking that big, bad Lucius just might be a monster? Because if she is, you can't fall for it. You have to see through it, through her."

"It's not about what she's said; it's what she's done. Look at how she's gone out of her way to help Remus. I just said, 'what if.' What if my reaching out to her could make all the difference? What if there's still a chance for her?"

James sat down on the couch and put his feet on the coffee table. "What if she's playing you?"

"Then why would she push me away? Why would she fight me so much if she's not really fighting against her own damned sense of morality?"

He dropped his feet to the floor. "So that you'll think that! You're rationalizing. That's not even why… This doesn't really sound like you, Sirius. You were never really the type to take in lost puppies. Don't start now."

"That's not what I'm doing."

"So you're reaching out to her, being nice to her, giving her access to your home, all so that you can save her? Why do you care about saving her soul? Or, I guess the real question is: why are you lying to me? You're rationalizing. You don't care about her soul; you just care about getting her into bed and sticking it to Snivellus."

"Maybe that's true. I will tell you this; I didn't send her any letter."

"Oh, so you think she was…"

Sirius shrugged.

"She's still bad news. She's still carrying around Death Eater plans in her pocket. Have you even checked her arm for the mark?"

"Actually—and don't get the wrong idea here—I have seen her bare arm and there's no mark. So, she's not a Death Eater, yet she came to my home with notes on their activities and made up a ridiculous excuse when she saw you. Aren't there any other conclusions you could draw?"

James smiled wryly. "No, not at this point. I don't trust her, Sirius, and I hope that you don't either. No matter what she says, remember, she was sorted into a house that is characterized by a talent for tricking people."

"And ambition."

"Exactly. Cunning and ambition. She has the ability to manipulate you and the motivation. I don't see the up side there."

-----

Vivian had Apparated from Sirius' living room to his bedroom, and was listening to his and James's conversation with her ear pressed against the door. She didn't know how to feel. On the one hand, James really did have a proper opinion of her. It was good that he was resistant to the idea that she would bring Sirius information about the Death Eaters. On the other hand though, it bothered her that James, her boyfriend's best friend, seemed to hate her so much.

It felt like no matter how hard she tried to get accustomed to the oddities of the job, there was always another paradox. Here was James, reaching all the conclusions that he was supposed to reach, refusing to even consider that she would betray her "friends." That was the way it should be; it showed that she was successful as a spy, but it felt wrong. She wanted Sirius to tell James that it was all right to trust her and she wanted Sirius to keep his mouth shut and not blow her cover. More than anything, she wanted to get her back out of this contorted position, but she had to keep listening, to make sure Sirius didn't tell James that she was a spy and to make sure he kept defending her.

"Look, James, I don't trust her. It's not even really a matter of trust. You were right before. She's interesting, and it'll drive Severus crazy, not to mention Malfoy and Rosier. And, if I turn her, it'll bother them that much more. I don't see the down side there."

Vivian sighed. That was it. That was all she needed to hear. She sat down on Sirius's bed, feeling relieved and disappointed at the same time.

James and Sirius talked for another hour, and as far as she could tell, she didn't come up in the conversation again. When Sirius came into the room, Vivian was lying down on the bed with her legs dangling over the edge.

"Well, I didn't expect to find you here."

Vivian sat up. "I'm really sorry about all that."

Sirius shrugged. "About what?"

"About showing up unexpectedly and forcing you to lie to James."

He sat next to her on the bed. "I didn't lie to him."

"You tried not to."

Sirius grinned widely. "Were you eavesdropping?"

"Yes! Why do you think I'm here? I had to make sure everything was going to be okay."

"I didn't lie. James assumed that I don't care about your soul, but he's wrong. Obviously, I care or I wouldn't have suggested that you become a spy."

"Did you lie when you said that you don't trust me?" She was surprised when Sirius hesitated. "Oh my god, you don't trust me!"

"No, of course I trust you. I just… I was…"

"It's okay," Vivian said, although it wasn't. "You don't have to trust me. I understand; I really do."

"If I didn't think that you were trustworthy—"

She swung her legs a little and looked down. "There's a difference between thinking that I'm worthy of trust and actually giving it to me. You took a large leap of faith. I understand if you're still a little wary and guarded. Honestly, I respect that. It just took me by surprise is all."

"Vivian—"

She was afraid that if she looked him in the eyes, he would see that she was hurt. However, to not look at him after the way he said her name would have had a similar effect, so she met his gaze. "You don't have to say anything."

"Vivian,…" He seemed to be struggling to find the words, but she figured that he was determined to say whatever it was. "You're actually very easy to trust. The way you point out all the reasons not to, all the ways that you could be manipulating me, the way you insist that I don't trust you implicitly, all these things… You elicit trust, almost against my will, and if you're anything like that in the other realm, then you must be an amazing spy. But in a way that also makes it hard to trust you."

Vivian took a deep breath and blew it out. "That's not what I thought you were going to say."

"I'm sorry. It's just that—"

"No, it's… Don't apologize. It's better actually, because I know that you really mean that. And I do understand now. I was just saying that before, but I mean it now. I wish I could say that I really was like that with… the others, but I'm not. It really is crucial that they trust me completely. They're a dangerous group and I would never say, 'No, you can't trust me,' to Lucius and Narcissa. That just wouldn't be wise. You should know that when I'm with you, it's different. I'm not really employing my spy techniques. I'm just being myself."

Sirius visibly relaxed when he realized that she really did understand. "I think I trust you less now than I did a year ago. All I knew then was that you were out somewhere doing your thing. Now that I've seen you in action—"

"You haven't seen me in action. That's what I'm trying to tell you."

"I've seen your adorable, clueless attempts at seduction that are so effective."

Somehow Vivian didn't think that adorable and clueless fit her. "Now, wait. You seduced me."

"Yeah, and I'm sure that's what Lucius and Evan believe too. Good point. I'm sure you seemed very reluctant as you licked your lips and thrust out your chest."

Now Vivian had to admit to herself that he was right about that, but she certainly didn't have to admit it to Sirius. "That might have been true with them, but I didn't do th—"

"And back in school when you would let just a little vulnerability show through the ice princess act."

Vivian gasped and swatted his arm. "Why on earth would I be manipulating you way back then?"

"That's my point. How can I know when you're manipulating me? If you can fool Malfoy, you could fool me. So I find it hard to trust you."

"I told you I was okay with that. I understand."

Sirius snapped his fingers and pointed at her. "I have seen you in action. That night Lucius interrupted us and you turned around on a knut."

"But you know… You know who I was lying to that night, right?"

"Yeah. In fact I know you were lying to Lucius because you told him we had sex. How did you explain that anyway?"

"Oh, it was a horrible, drunken mistake." Vivian motioned as if she were trying to wave away the mistake.

"And me? Why would I want to sleep with you?"

"To bother Severus obviously. I mean he doesn't like when I sleep with his friends; imagine how he feels when I sleep with someone he hates. The only way it could be worse is if I slept with James."

Sirius looked amused. "Sniv—Your brother hates James more than me?"

Vivian had not thought that would come as a surprise. "Yeah, definitely."

"Why? I'm the one who besmirched his sister's honor."

"That may be, though as I'd been sleeping with a married man at the time, my honor wasn't so impeccable anyway. Severus has always hated James. He's a Quidditch star and he got the girl. James lives a pretty charmed life."

"Got the girl?" This seemed to fascinate Sirius.

"Well, Lily is pretty and popular and so freaking nice. I mean, she's a mud—muggleborn, so I don't think he'd ever want her specifically. But she represents _the_ girl, lacking only in blood status."

"So you're saying that your brother had a thing for Lily?"

"No! I'm saying that she—she's a status symbol. Just another one of many that James obtained."

"So he objectifies women?"

"No, stop doing that. I don't know; maybe he does. We never talked about women. It was just… You know, I didn't… I didn't tell you this so that you can use it against him. I was just talking to my boyfriend, but you were gaining ammunition."

Sirius shook his head. "That was never my intention. Do you want me to talk about my brother so that you can gain ammunition? Because I have stories."

Vivian smiled in spite of herself. "I'm sure. I feel like I was just talking about your brother recently. When was… I think it was Narcissa… Oh, I remember." She unconsciously put her hand over her mouth.

"And what were you and Narcissa saying about him?"

"It doesn't matter." She waved the hand that had been covering her mouth. "_Although_ I will say that now two members of your family have suggested that I get involved with Regulus."

"But you're not going to, right? I mean you slapped me when I suggested it."

"No, I'm not going after your brother. I am brokenhearted and celibate, remember?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows provocatively. "Ah, yes, it's all coming back to me. Celibate, huh?"

She clasped her hands in her lap and looked down demurely. "I'm afraid so."

Sirius smirked. "Well, let's see if I can cure you of that."


	12. November 1979

**Chapter 12**

**_November 1979_**

When she was alone with Sirius in his house, Vivian could almost pretend that none of the drama of the outside world existed. So she always found it frustrating when that real world insisted on disturbing them. This time they were lying on the couch, not talking, not doing much of anything, when the fire in his hearth went green. There was not time for Vivian to do much more than stand before a figure stepped out of the fireplace.

It took her several seconds to appreciate that the man—barely more than a boy really—standing in front of her was Regulus Black. Regulus looked from her to his brother and apparently decided to ignore her presence. "Mother didn't want me to come here, but I thought you should know."

"Why aren't you in school?" asked Sirius.

"It's Father; he's not…" Regulus looked unsure how to finish that sentence.

"He's not what, Regulus?"

Regulus blinked hard. "He's not… Er, he's not alive anymore, I guess. And I know that was a terrible way to put it." He gestured as though he could not get the words out. Finally, he said, "Father died yesterday, Sirius, and Mum didn't want me to tell you because you're not part of this family anymore. But I think… I don't think of you that way. You could be part of this family again."

Sirius shook his head. "Regulus…"

"If you said you were sorry. We're your family; what's more important than that?"

"I'm not sorry."

Regulus turned to Vivian. "Tell him."

Vivian was at a loss for words. What was she supposed to say? Who was she supposed to be in front of Regulus? Should she talk about the money, the cause, what? "Sirius, he's right. You're the one who turned your back on your family, not the other way around. If you—"

"Shut up, Vivian," Sirius said without even looking at her. His eyes stayed trained on his brother. "Do not make the mistake of thinking that just because I'm sleeping with her, her opinion matters at all to me."

Regulus shrugged. "You always did have a way with women. The funeral is tomorrow, and if you're not there, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Sleep on that."

Sirius was lost in thought, so Vivian looked back to Regulus. "I'm really sorry to hear about your father. You have my deepest sympathy."

"Thank you,… I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

She hesitated. "I don't want to say."

Regulus smiled weakly. "I don't blame you. Well, I've said what I came to say, so I'll go. But, Sirius, I hope I'll see you at the funeral." With that, he was gone.

Vivian sat back on the couch and waited for Sirius to say or do something. He stood in place with the same pensive expression on his face for a long time. "Did he even say how it happened?" he said finally.

"Er, no."

Sirius looked at Vivian with surprise, as though he had forgotten she was there. "I'm sorry for telling you to shut up. I didn't mean what I said then."

"I know."

Sirius walked aimlessly toward his bedroom then walked back. "My father was always pressuring me to be what he wanted me to be."

"That's what parents do." Vivian wanted to hit herself. That could not have been at all helpful.

"But my parents… They're bigoted and… and they refused to love me if I wouldn't be what they wanted. You were wrong. They really turned their backs on me first. All I did was rebel. It was literally their way or I wasn't part of the family anymore. That's not what parents do."

"But if you look at it from Regulus' point of view…" Why was still playing the devil's advocate?

"Reg… I can't go to the funeral. It would just cause a scene. I'm not going to regret it."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah. I'm out of the family and that's final." Something in his eyes told Vivian that the decision really was final.

----------

Vivian had never felt more frustrated. It had been over two months since Evan had broken up with her and she'd been completely cut off from information. No longer did she have a lover telling her that no, he wouldn't be available on Tuesday; there was a raid. She had forgotten what it was like before she started sleeping with Lucius, before the information had become so easy to obtain.

She sat in Bellatrix's living room, having tea and making small talk. Though Narcissa had never blamed Vivian for the miscarriage, Bellatrix had. Vivian knew the only reason she had been invited over was because Narcissa had asked her sister to try to be nicer to Vivian. So, she really had no expectation that she would get any information from Bellatrix. And yet, when the conversation turned to the cause and Bellatrix made it clear that she wasn't saying a word, Vivian started to feel very frustrated.

"You know, Vivian, I thought the reason you didn't join up was because of Lucius. Now you have no boyfriend, nothing keeping you from taking the Dark Mark." Bellatrix's tone was haughty and critical.

Vivian sat up straighter. "What are you trying to say? I already told you that—"

"Right, you're a healer, saving lives and so on. It has always been so difficult to recruit healers."

"Yes, well I imagine that the kind of people who go into that line of work are not the same who are likely to become terrorists." As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Vivian wished she could take it back. For a split second she thought about apologizing but quickly dismissed that idea. It might get her killed, but she wasn't going to show any weakness to Bellatrix.

Bellatrix looked livid. "We are_not_ terrorists."

Vivian told herself to push through the fear. "Yes, you are," she said, as calmly as she could manage. "But why does that have to be a negative thing? If you don't have a problem with killing and torturing people, why do you have a problem with the word?"

"We are—"

"No." Vivian held up a hand and smiled. "I don't need to hear all the euphemisms."

Bellatrix's face contorted into a scary sort of smile. "I see your point. It's like if you're okay with the fact that you sleep with married men, then why not proudly admit that you're a slut. It's just a word."

"There was only one married man. That doesn't make me a—"

"There are also one-night stands with random cousins."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "They are your cousins, not mine. You're making it sound like… well, like I shagged my cousin. And again you're being slightly inaccurate. There was one one-night stand."

"And those are only—"

"Look, I'm sorry I called you a terrorist." Vivian stood. "I'm going to go now. And don't worry; I'll tell Narcissa you tried."

----------

The next day at work, Vivian reflected on her dilemma. She couldn't continue like this, being completely useless to the Order. She was reminded of this when Benjy, who rarely initiated conversations, said, "You've been quiet recently."

Vivian sighed and said, "Yes, I have. I'm sorry; I just… I've got nothing for you."

He nodded. "That's all right, dear. You just bide your time. Let the information come to you."

She wanted to ask him, "From where?" but she just gave a tight smile and went back to work.

The thing was Bellatrix was right; she had no ties to the Dark Lord, and she hadn't proved herself to be very loyal to the cause. Without someone like Lucius or Evan, she had no chance of obtaining valuable plans and figures. There was only one person she could turn to, and though she didn't feel right about using him, this was for the greater good.

Severus hadn't talked to Vivian for roughly six months, ever since the night she slept with Sirius. That seemed a little ridiculous to her since she hadn't even really slept with him. It was long past time that she reached out to her brother and it bothered her that she was only willing to do it now when she needed something from him. She decided to go to his place that evening after work.

-----------

Vivian stood outside Severus's door and waited for an answer, but it didn't come. "Severus, I can hear you in there avoiding me." Actually, she didn't hear a thing, but her bluff was rewarded when her brother opened the door.

"How could you have possibly—"

Vivian pushed past him. "Woman's intuition." She looked around his modest house. "I like what you've done with the place."

Severus closed the door and smiled. "No, you think it's dreary and it reminds you too much of our parents' house."

That was exactly what she had been thinking. "I'm sorry, what? How do you— Oh, I see you've gotten better at Legilimency."

Severus sat on the worn couch. "It's only one of the talents the Dark Lord has helped me cultivate."

"That's… That's wonderful. Please get out of my head."

He shook his head slightly. "Sit down, Vivian."

She responded in a low, controlled tone. "Get out of my head, Severus."

"Why? What don't you want me to see?"

Vivian tilted her head to the side and concentrated on first sexual memory of Evan that came to her mind.

"Vivian! That was disgusting."

She sat in an armchair that seemed to be in slightly better condition than the couch. "That is only one of the many reasons not to read my mind. Why haven't you talked to me in months? I didn't even think things ended that badly that night."

Severus smiled wryly. "That's because you don't know where that night ended for me."

"I don't even know what you mean by that."

"I stayed for a few minutes outside your flat after you kicked me out. And I overheard a fascinating conversation."

Vivian's chest felt tight. "I checked. You weren't there."

He smirked. "You opened the door, but you didn't really look around. I was walking down the hall and I thought you were looking for me because you wanted to say something to me. Imagine my surprise to hear Sirius Black ask you if I was a Death Eater."

"I—I told him no."

"I know."

This was all too much for Vivian. "So I lied about him still being there, but I still don't understand what upset you so much. What did you hear that made you stay away?"

"You must have had quite a heart-to-heart with him because he knew all about your real parents and all about our dad. I left when he was expounding on how much he wanted to have sex with you. I didn't really want to know where that was leading. It wasn't so much a horrible, impulsive mistake, was it?"

"You don't understand how attractive he is," Vivian began slowly. "Yes, I wanted to sleep with him. Okay, so it wasn't a mistake and I don't really regret it."

"If you wanted to sleep with him, you would have. You were fighting him on it."

"Then what do you think was happening there?"

"Right, because you don't want to give anything away. We're only going to work off the information I already have." Severus stood and crossed the room to stand in front of Vivian. "How did you know that Lupin was a werewolf?"

Vivian shifted uncomfortably. "I already told you."

"Yes, what did you tell me?" Vivian closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "It shouldn't be that hard to remember the truth, Vivian."

"Sirius mentioned a werewolf and I figured it out from there."

"Why would he just volunteer that kind of information?"

She looked over at his bookshelf. "I don't remember. It was a long time ago."

"Look at me."

"Why? So you can probe my mind?"

Severus grabbed her jaw and turned her head sharply to face him once again. "I think you lied about more than whether he was there or not. I think you _were_ having a love affair with a sworn enemy. Maybe you still are; I've heard rumors."

Vivian was silent for several seconds. She could feel Severus glowering over her. "It wasn't an affair. But it wasn't exactly what I made it out to be either. I slept with him a few times. It was… harmless. And those rumors are false. I never went to his house."

Severus pulled her roughly to her feet. "I don't believe you. When he asked about me, you said, 'not yet, thankfully.' _Thankfully_. I need to know, are you a blood traitor, Vivian?"

"No!"

He put his hands on her shoulders and shook her harshly. "Stop lying to me!"

Vivian pushed her brother away with all the strength she could muster. He fell to the floor. "Don't…" She realized she was still shaking. "I can't believe you just did that," she whispered. "I can't believe that just happened to me."

Severus stood. "I didn't mean to." He started toward her.

She moved behind the chair. "Don't come near me. Don't… Don't touch me. You want to hear about Sirius? When I first started talking to him, back in school, I told myself that he'd be abusive. Because of what he did to you, I told myself it wasn't safe to be near him. Because of you. But I got to know him, and he would never raise a hand to me. Neither would Evan. No, it turns out the only person I should have been worried about was my own brother."

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I knew that you—"

"Of course you knew! You did it on purpose, didn't you? Weren't you trying to scare me into admitting that I am nothing but a dirty, blood traitor whore? I killed it. I know."

Severus shook his head, confused. "Killed what?"

"Our relationship. I have no right to call myself your sister. Because I don't see things as black and white as you do. Because I was actually attracted to someone whose views are fundamentally different from mine. Because I slept with someone you hate. Because I was willing to lie to him in order to get what I wanted from him. Because I lied to protect you. I am not a traitor."

"Vivian, I wasn't trying to—"

All this stuff about how he did not mean it was a lie, and Vivian was not going to let him get away with it. "What about Evan? Why would I get involved with him if I was a blood traitor? I had a fling, and you think that justifies roughing me up a bit!"

"It's not just the fling. It's that it was with Sirius Black."

"Why do you hate him?"

"He tried to kill me!"

Vivian rested her hands on the back of the chair. "I always thought you were weak. I thought you were caught in a cycle of victimization. But you never needed me to protect you, did you? I still think of you as a little boy who needs his big sister. It's funny, I lived with you for months and I never saw how you'd changed."

"Vivian, I—"

"No." She waved her hands wildly. "No, you're a man now, Severus. I see that. And I think I was just surprised to find out what kind of man you became." She turned and walked toward the door.

"I'm not like Dad," he called after her, a note of desperation in his voice.

Vivian turned around slowly. "I didn't say you were. You are nothing like him. You're sober, cold, calculating. You didn't make a mistake and you aren't going to break down and beg me to stay. And that's okay, because I'm not like Mum, and nothing you say will stop me from leaving."

----------

When she got home that night, Vivian firecalled Sirius and asked him to come over. She needed to tell him a selective version of her conversation with her brother and she needed to lean on him.

She was sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands when she heard rather than saw Sirius's arrival, and without turning around she said, "I spoke to my brother and I don't think reconciliation is going to be possible."

Sirius came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. "What did he say?"

"He overheard part of our conversation that night. I mean the night we… You know, _the_ night."

"Yes, I remember the night you're referring to."

Vivian turned around, frantic. "Yes, you remember. You always remember. What did we say? What exactly did he overhear?"

"Oh, Vivian, I don't know exactly. You… You attacked me. You wanted to know my ulterior motive for wanting to sleep with you."

"But did you mention the Order at any point? Or that I joined? I don't know if he knows. He seemed certain that I was a blood traitor. And though the evidence he presented was weak, it didn't occur to me at the time that maybe he had something bigger he was waiting to spring on me."

Sirius shook his head. "There's just no way I could remember the exact words we said."

"That's what you do! You repeat my exact words back to me and drive me crazy."

"Vivian—"

Vivian heard something, a faint popping. She shook her head. "Shh." There was a knock on the door.

"Go. Hide," she mouthed. Sirius quickly went into her bedroom, as Vivian attempted to pull herself together. She opened the door to find the last person she expected.

"Hello, Vivian." Evan strode into the flat.

"Evan, what…"

He turned to face her and concern washed across his face. "Oh, Vivian, what's wrong? You've been crying." He took her shoulders and steered her to the couch.

Vivian was so confused that she allowed him to force her into a seated position. "No, I… I haven't."

Evan sat next to her. "Yes, and you can talk to me about this. Whatever is wrong, I am here to help."

Vivian narrowed her eyes. "Did you talk to Severus?"

"He might have mentioned that—"

She jumped up. "Is that why you're acting weird? I don't know what he told you, but I haven't been crying and I'm fine."

"He just said that you might need someone to talk to."

"So why would he send you? You're the last person I'd want to see if I was upset! You dumped me for another woman!"

"Charissa and I are no longer together," he said quietly.

This took Vivian by surprise. "Well,… er… that's really not the point, is it? You dumped me. I don't…"

Evan smiled. "Vivian…"

"What?"

He stood and walked over to her. "Charissa is an idiot."

Vivian shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, I know."

Evan's smile grew. "Having a relationship built on sex didn't work out for me. There's a reason you were the only real girlfriend I've ever had. You were the only one worth dating. There has to be more to a relationship."

"Like?"

"Like someone who makes me laugh, and not with pity. Someone who can hold a conversation."

Despite herself, Vivian's lips curled into a smile. "I guess she _wasn't_ pretty enough to make up for how dull she is."

"She was at first. I just didn't know what I really wanted. Charissa may be prettier and better in—" Evan cut off and cleared his throat. "But you were actually an ideal girlfriend."

"I don't want you back, Evan. Regardless of how good I was, you didn't turn out to be such a great boyfriend."

Evan wrapped his arms around her waist. "Vivian, what made you leave me for Lucius?"

Vivian shifted a little but didn't pull away. "I see your point, but you can't expect me to take you back based solely on reciprocity."

He tightened his hold on her. "I don't. I expect you to take me back based on the fact that you are madly in love with me." Evan started to kiss her neck and Vivian looked up at the ceiling. She could think of many reasons to take him back, but she forced herself to only consider the relevant ones. After all, she couldn't tell Sirius that she had gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend because he could do amazing things with his mouth, and indeed that wouldn't be the reason. Her experience with Bellatrix the day before had shown Vivian that her current plan wasn't working. Maybe it was time for her to face that her particular talent was for getting information from lovers. Maybe sex truly was the strongest weapon in her arsenal. Sirius should understand her motivation. This was his fight long before it was hers. He _should_ understand, but Vivian wasn't so sure he would. All at once, she remembered that Sirius was actually in the next room.

"You said I wasn't attractive enough."

Evan pulled his lips away from her neck. "What?"

She took a step back. "You said that I wasn't as attractive or as good in bed as Charissa."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did! It was just a minute ago."

"All I was trying to say then was that a year ago, someone like Charissa would have been my perfect woman, but after dating you, I see that there are more important things than attractiveness. And I'm now willing to make a sacrifice on—" He didn't finish his thought.

"That's not better! Maybe if you look a little more, you'll find someone who meets your attractiveness criterion as well the personality one."

"I don't want someone attractive; I want—Okay, you set me up for that. I don't want someone more attractive than you because you are…" He trailed off in frustration.

"Good enough?" she suggested.

"I think you're very attractive, Vivian! What's wrong with being good enough? I mean that would imply that you are… good enough."

"I don't… I still… I'm not sure that I'm still in love with you." She took his arm and guided him to the door. "I need time to think about this."

Evan opened the door. "That's fine. I know you'll make the right choice." He kissed her deeply and left. Vivian was still struggling to catch her breath when Sirius came out of the bedroom. She was pleased to see that he looked amused.

"My favorite part—" he began "—was when he said he didn't want someone attractive. He wants you."

She leaned against the door. "I'm glad you find this so funny."

Sirius looked down for a moment, and when he looked up the smile was gone. "You going to do it, aren't you?"

Vivian's throat got tight. "I think so. You don't know what it's been like the last few months."

"I thought… What has it been like, exactly?"

Vivian shrugged. "I've been completely cut off. I can't get any information from anyone. I don't like feeling so… useless."

Sirius sighed, sounding relieved. "Oh, that. I can understand that, but you have other options."

She shook her head. "Those other options aren't for me. I'm good at this. It comes naturally to me, and it gets easier every day. I wouldn't be any good to you if I was exploring other options."

Sirius sat on the couch. "I think we need to talk about your problem differentiating between—"

She pushed herself away from the door. "I don't have a problem."

"That's what you always say, but if you want me to accept that you're sleeping with another man, we need to talk about it."

Vivian wanted more than anything to avoid this conversation. She stared straight ahead, not making eye contact, as she said, "What's to talk about? I've been sleeping with Evan since May. How is anything different now?"

He pretended to think about it for a moment. "Well, for one thing, _we're_ sleeping together now."

Vivian turned her head sharply to face Sirius. "But we were involved then. Why should it make a difference whether or not we were having sex? In fact, this should solve all the problems we had before. Your girlfriend was sleeping with Evan and not with you? Not anymore! So we're good, right?"

"I know what you're trying to get me to say. And it won't work because you're in the wrong and I won't let it be turned around on me."

"I'm in the wrong? You think our relationship is only valid now that we're having sex, and you're letting your own personal insecurities interfere with Order business."

"I'm not insecure," Sirius mumbled defensively.

Vivian rubbed her temples. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. No one's in the wrong really." She crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch. "Here's the thing, Sirius, you haven't actually told me not to do this. Unless you take a stand, there's really no debate here."

"So the only way you won't go back to him is if I give you an ultimatum?"

Vivian bit her lip. She knew he wasn't going to like what she was about to say. "An ultimatum is the only way I'll _consider_ not going back."

"And, uh, just out of curiosity, if I were handing out ultimatums, what would you decide?"

Vivian stayed silent. It wasn't that she was unwilling to tell him the answer to his question; it was that she honestly didn't know what she would do under those circumstances. Sirius smiled wryly and said, "That's all I needed to know."

Vivian wanted to explain. "There are just so many factors to consider. It's not really a split-second--"

Sirius held up his hand and cleared his throat. "Okay. We'll just deal with this as the problems come along. Although," he said as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, "I've already found one problem."

"What's that?" Vivian's voice caught in her throat and came out breathy.

"Rosier was the last person to kiss you."

That night, lying in Sirius's arms, Vivian had an epiphany of sorts. One minute she was thanking whatever benevolent forces had allowed her to diffuse the situation and hold on to Sirius and the next she was wondering _how_ she had held onto him. Why hadn't he left for greener pastures and less complicated women by now? That's when it hit her that, although he had never said the words and others had, Sirius loved her, and that he loved her more deeply than any man ever had. In that moment it also hit her how absolutely terrifying that was and that she simply wasn't ready to be loved like that.


	13. December 1979

**Chapter 13**

**_December 1979_**

On the surface everything seemed to be going a thousand percent better for Vivian than it had been just a few short weeks before. Benjy had commented that she seemed much less sullen now that she was back in the loop. It did not matter that she had only acquired trivial information at that point; at least she was gathering information again. Sirius had handled her relationship with Evan better than she had dreamed possible. Everyone she knew told her how glad they were to hear that she and Evan had gotten back together. "You're good for each other," her friends would say. Yes, on the surface, everything was going perfectly in Vivian's life.

Under the surface, however, Vivian was struggling with her relationship with Sirius. He still had never explicitly said that he loved her, and Evan actually said it almost every day. Vivian was not really sure how to explain how she knew with such certainty that Sirius did and Evan didn't. It was one of those feelings that couldn't be put into words. However, what really bothered Vivian was that she could not figure out why that fact scared her so much. Since that night, Vivian had stuck to denial, telling herself that she was not scared, that she wanted to be loved, and this was a good development. Some distant part of her brain that insisted on being far too rational thought she should talk to Sirius about her feelings, but that was the last thing she wanted to do. Vivian felt that she was hanging onto Sirius by a very thin thread already, and she really did not want to upset the balance. Despite the fear, which she was pretending did not exist, Vivian was happy with Sirius. She knew that eventually this would come to a head, but until then, Vivian was prepared to pretend everything was fine.

---------

Vivian sat down to lunch in the hospital cafeteria. She was having trouble getting excited about the turkey sandwich on her plate. Although she didn't actually eat sandwiches for lunch every day, it was starting to feel that way. She picked up the sandwich and put it down without taking a bite. She looked aimlessly around the room, and she saw James Potter making a beeline for her table, followed by his wife. Vivian pretended not to be surprised when he sat down across from her. She noticed Lily remained standing, holding a heaping plate of roast beef. She looked down at her own plate. Maybe that sandwich would be more appetizing if it were roast beef.

"James, hi. Er, what brings you here?"

James waved his hand at his wife. "We had a check-up for the baby."

Vivian's eyes went to Lily. "You're pregnant?"

Lily nodded with a tight smile. She had a look, like she wanted to be friendly but she was not quite able to pull it off.

Vivian decided to turn back to James. He seemed easier to read. "Congratulations. I meant, though, what brings you to this table? You clearly don't intend to eat here." She gestured toward Lily.

"I just wanted to ask you if you're still helping Remus. He hasn't heard from you."

Vivian sensed that this was coming from a place of intense dislike. It was as if he was looking for something else to hold against her. "There really isn't anything to tell him. However, I am definitely keeping myself abreast of the developments in that field. And you can tell your friend that his case is of the utmost importance to me."

James quirked an eyebrow. "And there's _nothing_ to tell?"

She was starting to get frustrated. "What are you trying to prove here? Research continues. That's all I have for you."

James gave a small shake of his head and stood. As he turned to leave, Vivian could not stop herself from saying, "I hear you don't trust me."

James turned around; there was a smile on his face. "Let me ask you this: Are you sleeping with Sirius?"

He had said it loud enough that a few people had turned to look at them. Vivian mentally grimaced but held her head high. "I have a boyfriend and we're in a monogamous relationship."

"Do you really have a boyfriend this time?"

Vivian tried so hard not to let him get to her. "Yes. Evan and I are back together. We have been for over a month now."

"Really?" His eyes sparkled in a way that told her he had the upper hand. "Maybe you're in a monogamous relationship, but he isn't."

Vivian could feel her mouth drop open. "Wha—" She fought to regain her composure. "That… That may be the case, but it's really none of your business."

"Hmm, that's true." He started to walk away, but Lily handed him her plate and leaned over the table.

"Sirius is good guy. He tries to hide it, but he has a really good heart. If you hurt him…" The threat hung in the air as the Potters walked away. Vivian leaned back in her chair, stunned. What kind of person was she that even Lily Evans Potter hated her? From what Vivian had heard, Lily liked everyone. Something else tugged at the back of her mind. At first she could not remember what James had said that bothered her so much, but it came back to her in a flash. Evan was cheating on her. He might have just been saying that, but it seemed like something Evan would do. Well, she would see him that night. Hopefully it would turn out to be a silly misunderstanding.

---------

"Happy Birthday!"

Vivian set down her purse on the table next to his door. "It's not my birthday."

Confusion flickered across Evan's face. "Yes, it is. December 11th, I wrote it down."

"You wrote it down wrong. My birthday's the 17th."

"Are you sure?"

Vivian just stared at him for a second. "Yes. But if you're all prepared for a birthday celebration, I don't care if it's six days early." If they were going to break up because of his cheating, Vivian wanted her present first. That might sound horrible and selfish, but she did not care. She liked presents.

"I guess it's a good thing I didn't organize a surprise party."

Vivian smiled. "Yeah. It would have been quite a surprise, though. You know, my birthday's too close to Christmas anyway. I should just change it to the eleventh."

Evan reached out for her and pulled her into his arms. "I will keep that in mind for next year."

Vivian pulled back a little, so that she could see his face better. "Do you think we'll still be together in a year?"

He shrugged. "Why wouldn't we be?"

"Because you're cheating on me." Vivian had not meant to say that then, and she certainly had not meant to be so blunt with her accusation. She was just unable to hold in the words.

Evan dropped his arms from her waist so fast that Vivian was left unsupported and almost fell. He looked angry when he asked, "Why would you say that?"

"I'm sorry. What I should have said was: Are you cheating on me? Because that's the word on the street."

"The word…? Who told you that?"

"That matters a lot less than the fact that I think I believe him."

Evan flexed his jaw. "Yeah, that is an interesting development."

"Are you going to deny it? Are you even going to… say anything?"

Evan shook his head. "I don't know what to say."

Vivian would have told him that a simple confirmation or denial was all she wanted, but she did not want to prompt him. Instead, she waited to see what he would say.

Finally he spoke. "Did this guy even offer you any kind of evidence?"

Vivian laughed. "I think I just got my answer. That's confirmation right there. Who was she?"

"Vivian, there's no easy answer here."

"Actually, there is. It's her name."

Evan licked his lips, as he always did when thinking deeply. "Okay, I'm not going to deny that I cheated on you, but I don't see how names are going to help."

"Names? Was that the complication? It's not a she; it's them."

"I think we should talk about this."

Vivian blew out her breath and turned her back to Evan. She walked to the table in the entryway and laid her hands flat on it. "You didn't have that much time to rack up very many women. How many could there be? Or let me ask you this, how long did you even wait before shagging another woman?"

"Vivian, will you look at me?"

"No." She picked up a vase and threw it hard at the wall to her left.

Evan let out an expletive and quickly repaired the vase. "Vivian…"

She turned around. "You begged me to forgive you, to take you back. I finally do and you break my heart all over again!"

"Look, can we just talk? I'll pour you a glass of wine and we'll discuss this."

Vivian's eyes went to the bottle on the coffee table. She walked over to it. It was a Merlot, perfect. She grasped it by the long neck. "What's there to discuss?"

Evan looked a little frightened. "Are you going to throw that at me?"

Vivian shook her head. "Of course not. I wouldn't hurt you." She threw it at a tapestry on the wall. It spun beautifully and exploded in a burst of red wine.

Evan put a hand to his head. "That tapestry is expensive."

"I know."

"No, it's worth…"

"More money than I could possibly save in a lifetime, I know. It can be fixed though, like the vase. I'm more like the wine; the bottle can be repaired, but the wine is gone forever."

"Maybe we should talk after you calm down."

Vivian headed for the door. "That's a good idea," she said as she slipped her purse onto her shoulder. "I'll let you know if I ever calm down."

When she walked out of Evan's flat, she knew exactly where she was going to go. It was the same place she always went when things went wrong. Luckily, this time when she showed up unexpectedly at Sirius's house, he was sitting alone, reading. Vivian pulled him to his feet and led him to the bedroom without a word. He tried to speak, but she shook her head and pushed him onto the bed. He scooted back, as she started to strip.

"You're… intense tonight." He said it casually, as an observation.

Her hand paused on the hooks to her bra. "So?"

"So I was just wondering what happened with Rosier to cause this."

She dropped her hands to her side. "What if it's because he cheated on me and we broke up."

Sirius smiled. "It's scary how well I know you. What happened? Did you walk in on something?"

"James gave me a heads up actually. You knew, didn't you? And you didn't say anything."

Sirius sat up on his elbows. "I didn't think it mattered. You're cheating on him."

"It's different."

He smiled wryly. "It always is with you. This is exactly why I didn't want you to get involved with him again."

Vivian squinted her eyes at him. "What is exactly why?"

"This. You getting so upset. Why does it matter if he's cheating on you? He's just a means to an end."

Vivian started to pace. "I don't think you understand where my head is at on this. It's like I never…" She stopped pacing and straddled him on the bed. "Are you cheating on me?"

Sirius ran his hands down her side and fingered the elastic waistband of her underwear. "No, you're actually the cheater in this relationship. But it's different, I know."

Vivian rolled onto her back. "I want to make it clear to you that this isn't even about Evan. I was dating a man and he left me for another woman. Then he begs me to come back and he's cheating on me within a month. I wasn't enough for him."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Vivian continued, cutting him off. "Don't even say it. My getting back together with Evan was something you and I discussed as a couple. You decided that this was something you could accept. And you understood my reasons for doing it. It had nothing to do with any failing on your part. But with Evan, this has to be purely sexual. I'm not enough for him and I don't know why he even—"

"So am I enough for you?"

The tone of her voice bordered on sarcastic as she said, "More than enough, really." She paused. "I'm not sure how to say this, but if you… ever need more, start thinking about cheating—"

"So if I shag another woman, it's cheating, but when you do it, it's different."

"First of all, you wish I would shag another woman."

Sirius laughed. "That's not what I—"

"Second of all, I was just getting to that. While completely functional, my relationship with Evan had the same effect for you as my cheating would have. And I'm not making any promises that there won't be any others later. So I am proposing an open relationship. _If _there comes a time when I am not enough for you, you have my permission to sleep with other women."

Sirius sat up. "Thanks, but, Vivian, I don't so much want to sleep with other women as I want you to stop sleeping with other men."

Vivian also sat up, not wanting to be on lower ground if there was an argument brewing. "One other man! Don't exaggerate."

"You just said—"

"Anyway, it's okay, but there are some guidelines I'd like you to follow. First and foremost, I want you to tell me beforehand, or I suppose directly afterwards if the situation necessitates immediate action. And I will continue to afford you the same courtesy. Also, I want you to be specific. Which is to say that I want names. And I want to reserve some limited veto rights." Vivian thought for a second, and then nodded her head to signify that she was done.

She could see him fighting not to smirk. "You've put a lot of thought into this."

"No, not at all. In fact, I think it's best if we hammer out the details now before I have too much time to think about this."

"Okay, while I have no intention of following up on this, I agree that it wouldn't hurt to come to an agreement on the terms. In that vein, I'm not sure about these veto rights. I would say that you may have a list of three women who are off limits and that's your limited veto."

"That's only acceptable if I can change the list given situational factors."

Sirius snorted. "Right, so you can knock off someone to put whoever it's going to be on the list. And basically then, every woman is off limits and this is pointless."

Vivian wanted to ask him what made him so sure that she would do that, just because she could. She was sanctioning his affair—an option Evan had not given her—so why would she stop it? She knew why Sirius thought that though. It was because it was probably true. That was the problem with theory. Everything works in theory.

She shook her head. "It has to flexible, but I think I have a solution. I can change the list at will, but once you express interest in a certain woman, vocally, it's too late to put her on the list. However, once you indicate that the relationship has ended or your interest has waned, she is fair game again."

"Wait a minute, does this work vice versa? Do I get to have a list of three guys that you can't sleep with?"

"Uh, yeah, of course. This is all about fairness."

Sirius regarded her cautiously. "Is there any way you can override a veto?"

"No. I can argue my case, but the final decision is yours. And vice versa. Of course, _really_ the final decision belongs to the one having the relationship, but if you or I chose to ignore a veto, that would be grounds for…"

"A breach of contract lawsuit?"

Vivian smacked him with the back of her hand. "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not making fun of you. I'm just not sure what was wrong with our old system."

"I quote, 'Why does it matter if he's cheating on you? You're cheating on him.' And Evan didn't even know I was cheating with you, so… see the problem? I don't want to be blindsided again. Because it would've hurt a lot more if James had told me you were sleeping with other women. So if you have anything to confess, now's a good time. To keep the legal metaphor, you have full immunity for the next minute. After that, a confession might make me violent."

"Did you get violent with Rosier?" He sounded intrigued.

"I threw some things, but never _at_ him. So, yes and no. Do you have anything to confess?"

He hooked his finger in the strap of her bra. "I do confess that I'm not sure why you're still wearing this."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "I'll take that as a no. So—" Vivian tried to sound conversational. "—do you know who he was with? Like names?"

Sirius continued to play with her bra strap. "They weren't really the kind of women who have names."

She batted his hand away. "What?"

"You know, nameless, faceless women with incredible bodies and loose morals. They don't have enough money or personality to be memorable. Candy, Brandy, Sandy, who can remember? What, what is that look you're giving me?"

Vivian straightened a little. "It was interesting. I didn't realize that… I never thought of it that way. You sound very knowledgeable on the subject."

"That's how someone like Evan or Lucius would see things. It's probably easy to lure a woman into bed when all you have to do is introduce yourself as a Rosier or a Malfoy."

"Or a Black," she observed.

Sirius gave a wolfish grin. "Yeah, it's always worked well for me. But I can assure you that I knew every one of their names at the time."

"But they've started to fade into an amalgamation of 'Andys,' haven't they? I personally remember the first and last name of every man I've slept with. I know their middle names and their parents'—"

"Not to mention their wives' names." he interrupted.

Vivian nodded. "First, last, middle, and maiden. So, how many do you think he was with?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well, how early do you think it started?"

"You're being obsessive."

"I just want to know."

"Honestly, I think it started with Charissa and I don't think he had any intention of stopping when he came to win you back." He pushed her back into a reclining position and lay beside her on his side. "I don't want to talk about Evan anymore."

"I just—" Without realizing it, she tried to sit up again, but he held her down by her shoulder. "I just have one more question."

Sirius sighed and rolled onto his back. Vivian knew that he was getting frustrated, and she realized that as much as she wanted answers about Evan's cheating, Sirius was not the person to ask. Silence stretched for a few moments before Sirius asked, "What's your question?"

She pushed the real question out of her mind and grabbed a handful of his robe. "Why are you still fully dressed?"

---------

Vivian knew that December 19th was late to be doing her Christmas shopping, but she hoped in vain that Hogsmeade wouldn't be too busy. She hadn't meant to put it off until the last minute, but it turned out her friends were impossible to shop for, mainly because they were all much more wealthy than she. She picked through the crowded stores, seeing nothing that looked appropriate for anyone she knew.

She was walking down the main road, when she heard her name called. She turned to find the source, but it was difficult to see due to the lamplight and the swarms of people. By the time she realized that Evan had pushed his way to her, it was too late for her to get away.

Evan's face was flushed from the cold. She was reminded of twittering schoolgirls making jokes about Rosier's cheeks turning rosier in the winter. "Evan, I don't want to talk to you."

He gave no sign that he had heard her. "How have you been? I was worried about you."

"I've been fine. It's amazing how much better life is when no one is cheating on me." She raised her volume on the last few words.

"Vivian, please. We're in public."

"Well, you could have avoided this awkward moment and not flagged me down."

He shook his head slightly as if he were dealing with a petulant child. "I think we should talk. Maybe we'll be able to work this out."

Vivian stood there in shock for several moments. "Work it out? I don't know what you think you can say to make everything better, but I really don't see us working this out."

"Then it can't hurt to hear me out. Merlin, I made a mistake, Vivian! You of all people should understand that."

"Oh, I don't understand at all."

"I took you back when you made a mistake with Lucius."

Vivian made a noise of disbelief. "That is not comparable. And I forgave you for Charissa, so we were even."

"And I believed you when you said you weren't having an affair with Sirius."

"I wasn't! That's the difference. I never cheated on you!" It took a couple seconds for Vivian to realize that was a lie. The words Sirius had said a week before came back to her. "Why does it matter if he's cheating on you?" Vivian mentally ran through her options, vaguely aware that Evan had suggested they continue this conversation at the Hog's Head. When her list of possible contacts began and ended with Evan, as it always did, she reluctantly followed him to the tavern. Evan seemed to take her willingness to talk as a good sign.

The Hog's Head was busy, but by no means packed. It wasn't difficult for them to find a quiet table in the corner. Though the bar was generally frequented by drunks and other unsavory characters, the occasional respectable Death Eater could be found there on most nights. Vivian figured that this was because they recognized their own unsavory practices. She had never felt comfortable there because the stench of alcohol and the slumped figures at the bar reminded her of her father. Vivian turned to Evan. "Go ahead. Say whatever it is that you think will change my mind."

Evan cleared his throat. "There's so much I want to say to you, but I don't know where to start. I love you."

"No, you don't," she said wearily. Evan started to object, but Vivian cut him off. "How many times do we have to do this before you realize that this isn't love?"

He gasped, as though what she had said was shocking. "Don't say that."

"Someone has to. This doesn't work. We're broken and we can't keep trying to force ourselves to be in love."

"I'm not sure… Are you saying that you don't love me?"

Vivian shrugged. "It doesn't feel like love anymore. It feels like a horrible cycle that we need to end. We've broken up three times now. I think that's enough. I think we should take the hint."

"Okay, you're hurt and frustrated." His tone was patronizing again. "I can understand that you're scared, but I do love you."

"Then why did you do it? You don't do that to someone you love. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship."

"Why does a relationship have to be monogamous? Where is it written that sex equals love?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure I can find sources that say love equals not screwing other women."

"I do love you, Vivian, and I want to be with you. I just don't want to be with only you."

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, that's… romantic."

"Look, I didn't handle the situation the right way. I should have told you. Sex is meaningless. It's just a physical act of gratification. It doesn't equal love at all. What we have is so much more than that. So—"

Vivian started to laugh. "You actually… This is what you wanted to talk about? You thought we could work things out if you explain that I should be okay with your cheating."

"Sort of. If you would just let me—"

"I must say, that is not what I was expecting."

"I think that if you just take the time to consider…" He continued to talk, but Vivian was no longer paying attention to him. Her focus had moved to a fight that was breaking out at the bar. She knew that she should just mind her own business, but they were hard to ignore.

Suddenly, one man stood and roared, "Goddamn it! This is why we shouldn't let filthy Mudbloods in here." Before anyone had time to react a curse was thrown. It went wide of its target, probably because the man was drunk, and blew a hole in the wall.

Evan took Vivian's hand and led her to the back exit, since the front door was blocked. As they struggled to get out, bottles and curses flew, and Vivian still could not take her eyes away from the fight. She did not hear the words of the Killing Curse, but she saw the flash of green light and the Muggleborn fall to the floor.

Vivian tried to pull away from Evan. "I'm a healer. I have to help him!"

Evan continued to drag her away. "He's dead; there's nothing you can do. And any minute now, Aurors are going to show up, because that was an illegal curse. We have to get out of here."

Once they were outside, Vivian fell to her knees in the snow and began to retch. She had never seen anyone die before. The only medical training she had received was at Hogwarts. She had never even seen anyone who was on the verge of death, or all that seriously injured for that matter. Even though she'd been hearing the stories for years, and even though one of her friends, more of an acquaintance really, had died, the war had never felt as real to her as in the moment. She wanted more than anything to run and hide and pretend that none of this was going on. She looked up at Evan and wiped her mouth. But she could not pretend that it didn't happen. She had to keep fighting against this, the only way she knew how. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Evan crouched down to her level. "For what?"

She smiled weakly as tears started to stream down her face. "I don't know. I'm sorry for all of it. For this whole night."

"Maybe—" He looked hopeful. "—we could continue our conversation back at my flat." He stood and offered his hand to her.

She let him help her to her feet. "I don't… I can't…" The words stuck in her throat. She coughed thickly.

"Shh." He pulled her close and laid her head on his shoulder.

She looked up into his brown eyes. "I want to go back to your place, but I don't much feel like talking."

They broke apart in order to enable Apparation. Vivian reached out and grabbed Evan's arm. "Wait. Is that… How many people have you seen die like that?"

Evan hesitated. "Just from the Killing Curse?"

She shook her head. "How many people have you killed?"

"That's a bit complicated, too. Do you mean directly or total?"

She felt her jaw set. The tears had stopped and the nausea had passed. All she was left with was grim determination. "Both."

"Five. And I have no way of knowing."

She spoke slowly and deliberately. "If it were me, I would keep track."

Evan gently pulled his arm out of her grasp. He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Vivian, I've done things that needed to be done to protect people like us. It might seem morally questionable to you, but these are desperate times."

Vivian nodded. She could definitely understand what he was saying. She needed to get over her own insecurities. It did not matter if Evan was cheating on her. She just needed to figure out how to explain her sudden change of heart to him.

For the first time in a long time, Vivian was clear about what she had to do. There was no more confusion clouding her brain. She was going to bleed Evan dry of information and then have him sent to prison. These people were not her friends; they were not her loved ones. She wasn't betraying them because she owed them nothing. She met Evan's eyes again. "Take me home with you."


	14. March 1980

**Chapter 14**

**_March 1980_**

At first, Sirius had been fine with Vivian getting back together with Rosier, especially after the first week, when it became apparent that her hatred of him had returned in full force. After all, he told himself, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. This was definitely preferable to her whoring around Death Eater functions looking to exchange sex for information. Besides, Sirius had never really felt threatened by Rosier anyway.

Now, though, Vivian was standing in his living room telling him that Rosier had asked her to move in with him. Sirius just wasn't sure how fine he could be with that.

Something had changed Vivian that night in December. She never told him what happened, or even that anything had happened, but she was more focused than ever before. There were times when she was single minded in her pursuit of the Dark Lord's downfall. The quality of her information hadn't improved any, but the details had become frighteningly more explicit. She now spoke of death and gore with a certain fervor in her eye, and, to be honest, it scared him a bit sometimes.

His fears had done a complete 180. No longer was Sirius afraid of losing Vivian to her fake emotions for Evan Rosier. Now he feared he would lose her to her devotion to the cause. He was afraid, in short, that if he gave her an ultimatum now, Vivian would waste no time in leaving him. If she was willing to move in with Rosier, then who knew how far she'd be willing to go to bring down He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Where would Sirius draw the line?

He looked at those big brown eyes pleading for permission and knew it was a farce. She didn't need permission. She had probably already said yes to Rosier. This was just the way she had chosen to tell him that she was moving in with Rosier. Finally James had been proven right. Finally he realized that he would never be able to tell if she was playing him.

And what hurt the most was, as she looked him in the eye and lied to him, he realized for the first time that it was truly possible that she didn't love him as much as he loved her.

--

"I won't move in with him if you tell me not to. It's up to you, Sirius."

Vivian had made a lot of mistakes in the past few months. She knew that Sirius was concerned about her new perspective. She knew that she had been shutting him out and she was trying to rectify that. She was reaching out to Sirius, telling him honestly that she would respect his decision, that she would not do this without his permission. She was doing and saying everything she could think of, and Sirius would not say a word.

It was over. By the time she finally realized how close she was to losing him, it was already too late. He would have said something by now, if there was anything left between them. Vivian felt tears well up in her eyes and she was on the verge of begging him to speak.

"I think you should do it."

Vivian started to laugh and cry at the same time. "What does that mean?"

"It means I think you should move in with Rosier. I think it would be best for everyone involved."

"Right, but… are you breaking up with me?"

"What? No, I don't want to break up. I… I love you."

There it was. It was the first time Sirius had said it. Vivian had been so worried about losing him that she forgot the flip side was just as scary. "I…" She couldn't do it; she could not lie to him. Vivian threw herself into Sirius' arms. "I was so afraid of losing you. But it's going to be okay. We'll make this work."

Vivian had her head buried in his chest, but if she had looked up at his face, it would have been very clear that he noticed she had not returned the sentiment.

--

Months ago, Vivian had entered into a new relationship with Evan. She told him that she could be okay with his cheating. So to walk in on him with some half-dressed woman now should not have been such a shock for her.

They were busy on the couch and did not seem to notice when she entered, so Vivian slammed the front door closed behind her. Evan just sat up with a guilty look on his face, but the woman scurried about gathering clothes. Vivian stepped aside to allow her to exit.

"Vivian, I…"

She shook her head to stop him. "Save it. I don't care. I just needed to talk to you."

"How can you not care? If I'd walked in on you with another man, I would have torn him apart."

Vivian walked toward him slowly. "Well, then I guess it's a good thing the situation wasn't reversed."

Evan shifted into a slightly more defensive position, and Vivian knew that he thought this was the calm before the storm. "The last time you caught me cheating, you threw a wine bottle at me."

She sat next to him. "To be accurate, I didn't throw it at you. We've discussed this, Evan. I know that you're shagging other women. Although that is one thing I want to discuss with you."

This seemed to set him off. "See, I knew it! You said you could be okay with it, but you're not. Why do we have to go over this again? I love you, Vivian."

Vivian took his face in her hands. "Calm down, love. It's all right." She kissed him quickly as evidence. "We don't have to go over any of that again. I've been thinking a lot about you asking me to move in with you. It occurs to me now that I don't want to be walking in on many more scenes like this. So I think you should either reconsider that invitation or think of a solution to this problem."

"And I suppose the solution you have in mind—"

Vivian smiled. "No. I don't know what the solution might be. Maybe it's that we don't move in together."

She was supposed to say yes. She had Sirius's blessing and with that she was supposed to move in with Evan. Unlimited access to Evan's flat would be so good for the cause, but so bad for her. Vivian liked having her own space, and more than that, she liked having a place she could go to escape all this craziness. For the last few months, she had given everything for the cause; she was finally ready to draw a line.

"I don't think we should move in together," she said, feeling a weight lift off her. It felt good to say those words. "I don't know why you asked me, but I don't think we have that kind of relationship."

"What kind of relationship is that? The kind where I want you to be the last thing I see every night and the first thing I see in the morning? We don't have _that_ kind of relationship?"

Vivian smiled warmly, but her thoughts were anything but. She was so tired of his clichés. When he tried to tell her how he loves her, everything out of his mouth could have been taken from a trashy romance novel or one of those soap operas on the wireless. If Vivian had been in a position to care whether his love was real or not, the cheating wouldn't have been what convinced her it wasn't. She didn't want to move in with him, but how could she tell him that she did not feel that same way he did? How could she say no now? "Then we'll find a way to make it work."

--

Everything was settled. Vivian and Evan had decided that she would move her things into his flat that coming weekend. Given their differing financial situations, there was no question that Vivian would not need to contribute to the rent. Considering this, Vivian intended to continue paying for her current flat, although she hadn't told this to Evan. Vivian wasn't sure how long this farce with Evan would last, but she wanted to make sure she still had a place to live when it all ended.

That Thursday evening, Vivian went to Sirius's house after work. She did not know how easy it would be for them to see each other after she moved in with Evan.

They spent the night together and Vivian told him of her plans, but she did not tell Sirius about the moment of hesitation she'd had before agreeing to move in with Evan. Maybe it would have helped him to know that she was not sure about everything, that she still had doubts, but Vivian viewed it as a weakness, and she was not one to advertise those. On some level, she realized that she was still shutting him out.

Earlier in their relationship, Vivian would not have hesitated to tell him anything she was feeling. Despite the way she had tried to hide herself from him in the beginning, since they had gotten involved, she had always been very open with Sirius. Until December. She knew that something had changed her that night, and she could almost believe that it was a good thing. To be honest, if not for Sirius, she would be able to close off all emotion and give herself fully to the task at hand. She had been a spy for the Order of the Phoenix for almost three years now, and she finally had found the focus to do that job correctly. Being a spy, being involved in the war on any level, required sacrifice. She knew that, and she had started to make those sacrifices in her personal life. She was now cutting corners in her relationship with Sirius.

It was not enough though. If she wanted to do the best thing for the Order, she would have to sacrifice her relationship with Sirius completely. In a lot of ways, that option appealed to her. All through school she had worked to shut herself down emotionally. From the moment she met Sirius, she had cared more than she ever wanted to. Even now, as much as she did not want to lose him, her feelings for him scared her. She knew, when she really thought about it, that it was not good to be detached and unemotional. She knew that, even though it was in reach again, it was wrong to want to go back to that. And she knew, even though it hurt to watch him slip away from her, that the pain let her know that she was alive. She just found it hard to care about any of that. What she did care about was that, despite the slow torture of losing Sirius and the appeal of feeling nothing, she was not willing to give up a single second that she could have with him.

--

After her first night living at Evan's flat, Vivian was glad to go into work. The idea that that was her home and that she would share her bed with Evan every night for the foreseeable future was suffocating. He had not even been there for the entire night. The scar on his arm had burned around eight and he had been gone until late in the night. Vivian did not know if that made the transition easier or harder for her.

When she sat at the table to eat her breakfast, she could feel his eyes on her. Her first breakfast in his flat, their flat, and she was already having regrets. Vivian kept her eyes from him, not wanting to see him across the table reading the Prophet and drinking his tea. She finished her eggs quickly and hurried off to work.

When she got to the hospital she could tell that something was wrong. The mood was somber, but she did not think there had been any major attacks. This was a different feeling than the one of mass casualty. When that happened there was more of a frenzy in the air and normally a large number of family members in the lobby. Mass casualties were hard to miss, but this was more subtle. There must have been a death in the staff, she realized. She continued, not bothering to ask anyone. Benjy would know.

However, when she got to the potions room, Benjy was not there. Carl was crying. That was the moment she knew who on the staff had died.

"What happened to him?" she asked Carl.

He answered to the best of his ability, but Vivian could not make out any words between the sobs. It did not matter though, because as he was speaking, she saw the Daily Prophet laying on the counter. She went over to it and rifled through the pages to find the story.

**Beloved Healer Killed in Attack**

_It was a gruesome scene when the investigators got there. Tipped off by an anonymous source, members of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement arrived at an alley in the heart of London and found only blood and body parts. The remains have been identified as that of Benjamin Fenwick, 74, of Birmingham. Fenwick, Benjy to his friends, had been a potions healer at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries for over fifty years._

_Fenwick was attacked at approximately nine p.m. last night. It is believed that the attack was perpetrated by supporters of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, as there was a Dark Mark lingering in the sky above the alley. At this time, it is unknown why Fenwick would be a target of these so called "Death Eaters." When asked for comment, Auror Amelia Bones had this to say: "All we know at this juncture is that the victim was in fact Benjamin Fenwick, and that the attack was particularly violent. We are fairly certain that there was more than one attacker and that these individuals had a grudge against Mr. Fenwick. So far we have only found bits of the body. These individuals did not just kill Mr. Fenwick, they obliterated him." (Story continued on pg. 4)_

Vivian read that last sentence several times before turning the page.

Vivian went through the motions for the rest of the day, but it was not the same. Carl, once he finally stopped crying, shot her looks of disgust from time to time. He also muttered through the rest of the day, but if he was trying to make her feel bad, he was doing a poor job because she still could not make out a single word. Besides, she felt terrible as it was, for reasons that Carl would never understand.

When it was finally time to go home, Vivian hurried to gather her things. As much as she did not want to face Evan, she needed to hear from him whether or not he had been involved.

Evan was not at the flat when she got there, and Vivian felt at a loss for what to do. She sat on the couch, and for the first time that day she allowed herself to cry for Benjy. She was not close to a lot of people in the Order. In fact, she barely knew any of them, but Benjy had always been there for her. She heard the racking sobs and could scarcely believe they were coming from her. Vivian could remember incidents where she had cried in the last few years, but the fake tears she had shed for Lucius and Evan hardly mattered. She had cried when she learned of Narcissa's miscarriage, but it was nothing like this. Vivian had not cried like this since she was a child. It was one of the things that she had sworn not to ever do again when she was at Hogwarts. It was horrible. Her entire head hurt, especially her sinuses, and she had to gasp to breathe, but she found that she could not stop crying.

She had no sense of how long she sat there. By the time the tears finally stopped, Evan was still not home. Vivian went into the bathroom to clean herself up and saw that she was a mess. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy and her face was splotchy. Considering that Evan had never seen her like this, he would probably find this reaction disproportionate. She needed to fix all that, but she did not know how. Closing her eyes and wishing it away did nothing. Taking deep, calming breaths only helped a little. When she heard the sounds of a returning Evan, Vivian looked better, but it was clear that she had been crying. Still, she stepped out into the living room to see her murdering boyfriend.

"Vivian, what's wrong?" The concern in his voice was so genuine that Vivian felt a tightness return to her chest. How dare he be compassionate when he was one of the ones who killed Benjy.

She walked to the coffee table and picked up the Daily Prophet. "Were you involved in this?"

Evan looked closely at the paper and shrugged. "Yeah."

She stared at him in disbelief. "He was my mentor."

"He was working with Dumbledore."

"He was my mentor! He was like a family member to me. I loved him, more than most of my family." Vivian felt the tears well up again. That was the first time she had said "love" and meant it in a long time. She had not realized it before, but Benjy was the strongest father figure she had known in her life.

Evan grabbed her by the shoulders. "Vivian, he was working with Dumbledore. He couldn't have been the person you thought he was." He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly.

Vivian could not tell him that it sickened her to have him touched her right now. She could not explain that she needed time away from him. Benjy was dead because he was passing along information she had given him. She did not need to hear justifications from Evan; the only thing she needed to hear was that it was not her fault from someone who could make her believe that.

She pulled away from Evan. "I want to believe you. I'm sure that you had really good reasons for thinking that he was working with Dumbledore. It's just that… I spent every day working along side him. We never talked about politics or the war, and so I want to believe that you're right. But I need time. I need to be alone with my thoughts right now."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No, you just got home. Besides, I can't think here. I'm just going to take a walk or something."

Evan blocked her path to the door. "Vivian, I'm not sure that it's safe for you to go walking around at night."

She pushed him out of the way. "I should be perfectly safe. Dumbledore's people don't kill innocents."

Evan started to speak, but she was out the door before he could complete a sentence. The real reason she would be perfectly safe was that she was not going to be walking alone at night. She was going to see Sirius.

--

Ever since the time she had burst in on him with James, Vivian tried to be more careful about arriving unannounced. She now Apparated into the area and stalked around in the bushes or watched from afar until she was sure he was alone. It did not take her long to ascertain that he was alone this time. He was in his bedroom reading a book, a novel by the look of it. She Apparated into the living room then knocked on his bedroom door.

Sirius took one look at her and said, "I was really sorry to hear about Benjy."

Vivian found herself locked in another embrace and this time she felt comforted by it. It was a long time before she pulled away. "Why did they do it?"

Sirius shook his head. "Wouldn't it be better to ask—Er, I don't know if—"

Vivian sighed. She appreciated that Sirius was trying to protect her. "I know that Evan was there. He probably was heavily involved, but I don't want to hear what he has to say. I just want to know if it was my fault."

"Why would it be your fault?"

"For a hundred different reasons. Could they have found out about him because of information I passed on?"

"Vivian." Sirius led her to the couch. He seemed to choose his words carefully. "Benjy was involved with the Order before you came along and he would have been involved even if he never met you. Now, I don't know what precipitated his attack, but he was always in danger. We all are, and we have to acknowledge that risk when we join."

Vivian laid her head in Sirius' lap. She was silent, trying to gather the courage to voice what had really been weighing on her mind. "When he left last night, Evan, I mean, I didn't say anything."

"What, like 'Don't kill Benjy?'"

Vivian blinked back the tears. "Not to him. I mean that I didn't tell anyone. I didn't… I didn't alert anyone."

"Did you know where he was going?" Sirius asked.

"No, but—"

"Did you know what he was planning to do?"

"No."

"Did you have any actual information to pass on other than that he was leaving the flat?"

Vivian took a deep breath. "No, but that doesn't make me feel…" The words were not coming to her.

"There was nothing you could have done to prevent his death. Sometimes people just die and we can't stop it."

Vivian looked up at him. "Are you thinking about Dorcas?"

"Some, but she's not the only person I've lost. She's just the one that meant the most to me."

Vivian remembered when Sirius had come to her after Dorcas' death. She remembered how later she had teased him for how stoic he had been. She remembered that she had not seen him shed a tear when his father died. Then she remembered that she had gone through the entire work day without showing any emotion. "I'm so sorry," she said.

"It's been a while. I'm okay. I've moved on. Right now, it's your time to grieve."

"I meant that I'm sorry for not being more sensitive when it happened. You loved her."

"What are you talking about? You were great." Sirius stroked her hair and seemed distracted. "As for Dorcas, she… Her death was…" He never finished those thoughts.

Vivian was not sure if she was actually getting jealous of a dead woman and she did not want to find out. She decided to change the subject even though she had been the one to bring Dorcas up. "What am I going to do without him?"

Sirius snapped out of his daze. "What?"

"Without Benjy, what do I do?"

"You don't need to worry about that right now. We'll work it out when the time is right."

--

When Vivian returned to Evan's flat, which she still did not think of as home, he rushed up to her and hugged her as though he had been worried sick. She had been gone for nearly two hours, and she supposed that would be long enough to cause concern in these troubled times.

"Where have you been?"

Vivian shrugged to break his embrace. "I went to see a friend." She threw her purse on the couch and walked away from him. It took her seven steps to realize there was no where to go. She stopped a few inches from the wall.

"Who? Narcissa said that she hadn't heard from you."

Vivian wanted to tell him that she had other friends than just Narcissa, but she could not think of any. "I visited the grave of a friend from school. Her name was Adeline. You didn't know her."

"I went to school with you, Vivian. I knew your friends. I don't remember any Adeline."

"You didn't know her," Vivian repeated in a very controlled voice, her back still to him. "If you really think about it, though, I'm sure you'd remember her. She was killed by Wilkes about a year ago, and, no, we weren't really good friends, but we had Herbology together. She was just the only other person I'd known who had been killed. So I went to her grave, and I guess I was there for a long time, but I was just thinking."

"You went to a graveyard at night? That doesn't sound very smart." He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

Vivian touched her head against the wall. "I happen to like graveyards. They're quiet, and no one really bothers you."

"And what did you decide while you took time to think by the quiet grave of your friend?"

Vivian closed her eyes. She was glad that Evan could not see her face because it was going to devastate her to grant absolution to one of the men who killed Benjy. She really wanted to bang her head against the wall, but Evan wouldn't understand, especially considering what she was about to say. "I thought about it a lot. And you're right. It makes sense that he would be working with Dumbledore. It—It was probably right to… put him out of commission. He was still my mentor, though, so I don't want to know how involved you were. I don't want to know who did what. I don't want to hear any of that. I do want you to tell me next time."

"Vivian…"

She spun around. "Not every time. I certainly wouldn't want to hear that, but you knew that I worked closely with Benjy. I had to find out he was dead from the newspaper. You could have spared me that. You could have broken it more gently. It would have been easier to hear it from you. And I didn't mean that you have to necessarily tell me beforehand. But if you did, I promise, Evan, I won't judge you and I won't ask you not to do it. I trust you. I just want to know when someone that I care about is going to be killed or has been killed or what have you."

Evan licked his lips. "I don't know if I can do that."

"This isn't easy for me. I want you to know that. You leave and I don't ask any questions, but it's terrifying. I need you to communicate with me. You can do that however you see fit, but… I guess I expected things to change when I moved in here."

Evan laughed. "You expected me to tell you where I was going, what I was doing?

Vivian tried to look hurt. It was a ridiculous thing to say, and she had not expected that at all. "I'm sorry, do I not have a right to want to know those things? What kind of a relationship is this? It's not based on sex; I know that much. I thought it was based on mutual respect and a deeper understanding of each other."

"I can't just tell you…" Evan sighed. "I'll try to work on my communication, but I can't tell you everything."

Vivian shook her head as if something had just occurred to her. "I understand that. It's just Benjy's death took me by surprise and it's making me… I do get scared when you leave, and I would rather hear about the death of a friend from you, but this isn't your fault." She put her arms around his neck. "I just want the pain to go away."


	15. April 1980

**Chapter 15**

_**April 1980**_

Vivian walked up the steps to Malfoy Manor. As usual, she was there because she had been summoned by Narcissa. She had said that it was a matter of utmost importance and told Vivian exactly what time her presence was requested. Vivian was used to summons like these. However, when the chattering house elf showed her to the sitting room, Vivian was surprised to find Severus there.

Vivian had not seen her brother since the night they fought, and honestly, in those six months she had never once had the desire to seek him out. The last time he had come up in conversation, Narcissa had been snide and critical. Although, Vivian now reflected, that was years ago, before her affair with Lucius. She inclined her head in greeting. "Narcissa, Severus."

Narcissa missed the death stare the siblings were giving each other. "Vivian, dear, please have a seat."

Vivian took a seat near Narcissa, as far from where Severus was standing as possible. "What is he doing here?"

"Nice, sis."

Narcissa looked back and forth at them. "Is something wrong between you two?"

"Severus and I have not been getting along so well as of late."

Narcissa's eyes went doe wide in a way that put Vivian on alert. "Well, I can't imagine why. I've gotten to know Severus and he is just delightful."

Vivian looked at Severus and he smirked at her. "I don't think that word has ever been used to describe him before."

"Well, I hope that you two can put aside these petty differences for my sake. I know that it's a bit short notice, but I want to ask you two to be my son's godparents." She placed her hand on her swollen stomach.

Vivian looked at her friend in disbelief. "You don't even like Severus. You only invited him to your wedding as a favor to me."

Narcissa continued to smile pleasantly. "That's all changed. Severus has grown very high in the Dark Lord's esteem."

Vivian laughed loudly. "So, that's it? You want to take advantage of the fact that he has your lord's favor to make yourselves look better?"

That caused Narcissa's eyes to narrow a little. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

Vivian was not afraid of Narcissa; she never had been. A little narrowing of the eyes was not going to make her back down. "I am not going to let you exploit my brother."

Narcissa smiled and it looked sincere. "Right. Well, before we get to that, is that a yes or a no on the godmother question?"

"You're my best friend, and I'd be honored to be the godmother of your child."

Narcissa waved her hand in front of her face as though she were getting misty. "Thank you." Then her tone and expression turned businesslike. "Now, I thought you wanted Lucius and me to get along better with Severus. That's happening and you're upset suddenly."

"It's his choice. I just think he should know that you only chose him because you want the Dark Lord to approve of your decision."

"You know, Vivian, I was well aware of that when she asked," drawled Severus, lazily.

"That's not why I asked!" Narcissa calm demeanor slipped a little.

"Oh, right, it's because he's 'delightful.'" Vivian made air quotes around the word. "I got to be honest, in the nineteen years I've known him—"

"Twenty," interjected Severus.

"In the twenty years I've known him, he's never come across as delightful."

"What has gotten into you?" Narcissa asked. "You're normally so defensive and protective when it comes to Severus."

"I am protecting him," said Vivian at the same time Severus said, "I don't need her to protect me."

He shook his head as if to undo the jinx. "Narcissa, I am very flattered that you and Lucius would think of me, but I think that there must be someone better for the position. I'm afraid I have to regretfully decline."

Vivian could not believe she had heard him say that. Ulterior motives or no, it was not like Severus to turn down an opportunity to get closer to Lucius. Narcissa smiled, looking possibly relieved. Severus said his goodbyes and was out the door, while Vivian still marveled at his actions. "I'm sorry, Narcissa, I need to talk to my brother. I'll be back soon to discuss the christening."

Narcissa waved her assent, and Vivian hurried outside to catch up with Severus.

"What was that all about?"

Severus turned to see her. "It seemed to me that you had a handle on what was going on."

"No, the Narcissa I know would not have done that just because you are held in high regard by the Dark Lord. She'd still think you were too low class to associate with."

Severus smirked again. When had he started smirking so much? "I'm no lower class than you, and Narcissa has been associating with you since first year."

"No, what did you do to her?"

"Nothing, she's just been nicer since her miscarriage, or maybe since she got pregnant again, but it's all made her reevaluate her priorities."

Vivian could not deny that there was some truth in that. Narcissa had reevaluated her priorities and found a few things wrong with them. Still, if that had coincided with his rising in the organization, it did make a little more sense. "Why did you say no?"

"I think the question you should ask is why did you say yes?"

Vivian was truly starting to believe that he was being maddening on purpose. "What are you… Narcissa has been my best friend for ten years."

"Except for that nasty period when you were sleeping with her husband."

She was still angry with him for what had happened all those months ago, but she decided to try a different tactic for getting answers. "What's happened to us, Severus? When did we become like this?" Her voice caught in her throat.

"Oh, that is beneath you, Vivian."

She scoffed. "Okay, seriously, what happened here?"

Severus eyed her cautiously. "Actually, I have questions for you too, so I'll stop being cagey. I said no because I don't think she asked for the right reasons and I don't think I'd make a good godfather. And because Lucius' friendship just isn't as important to me as it used to be."

Vivian saw him clearly then. Here was a man standing in front of her. Severus had grown up and it still took her by surprise when she saw it. This time, though, it was not tinted by the disgust of the last time. This time she saw a man she could almost feel proud of. This was why he had grown so high in the Dark Lord's esteem, and although Vivian did not approve of his choices, she actually felt happy for him. "Thank you. What did you want to ask?"

"Why did you defend me in there? I thought you were done with me."

Vivian sighed deeply. "I have not forgiven you. I want that to be clear, but I can't stop trying to protect you. It's in my nature. It doesn't matter how much you grow up; you're still my little brother."

"Actually, I'm your cousin. Your younger cousin, but cousin nevertheless."

"Actually," Vivian said, mocking his tone, "I was legally adopted, so I'm legally your sister."

"Wow," he chuckled. "I can't believe you're fighting to stay in this family. If I were you, I'd take the out."

"And go where? Without you all, I don't have a family."

"And that's worse in your eyes?"

She nodded. "Yes, I was certainly better off that I would have been as an orphan."

"He beats her, Vivian! He is a drunken, pathetic man who takes out his insecurities on our mother. My mother," he corrected.

"After our last encounter, I wouldn't think you'd have a problem with hurting a woman."

"That makes it worse. I couldn't even stop myself. That was my reflex when I was angry."

Vivian was silent for several seconds. "They didn't want me. Do you remember Uncle Alistair? He barely ever looked at me. He knew that Dad was abusive. When he gave me to Mum, he already knew. He didn't bother trying to pick out a good home; he just dumped me off at the first place he thought of."

"Right, boo hoo for the poor little orphan girl."

"There was that one time, the only time Dad really hurt me. Do you remember that?" Vivian never spoke of that time. In fact she did her best to never think about it, but it was important that Severus remember because that was the only way he would ever understand what she was trying to say.

"Yeah, he hit you in the face with a vodka bottle."

"Is that all you remember?"

Severus shrugged. "He broke your nose."

"He was aiming at mom and caught me on the back swing. So it was an accident, but that's not the point. What I really remember was that Alistair came over the next day, and I had a splint and black eyes from the broken nose, and he said that wasn't an attractive look for me." Without really realizing it, she rubbed the bridge of her nose while she talked.

"I don't remember that."

"Do you remember what Dad did when it happened? He cried, and he ran me to the hospital. He wasn't a good man, and he wasn't a good father, but he cared about us. I can understand why you don't see that, but maybe you need to try and understand why I _can_ see that so clearly."

"Yeah, fine. I don't need to get dragged into some touchy feely conversation on the Malfoys' front lawn. You win. I'll even still call you my sister for now. But, hey, can you do me a favor?"

Vivian did not want to hear his next sarcastic comment, but she said "What?" anyway.

"Don't keep telling people about our father."

"I haven't told anyone."

"That's not what I meant, although I know you told Sirius Black. I want to rewrite our history, so don't go around telling people we're halfbloods. That'll really put a damper on my career with the Death Eaters."

"Fine." She smiled broadly. "I know my story got to you. It's just digging its way into your soul and eating at you." She poked him in the chest. "'How could I have been so insensitive to her plight?' But, Severus, you don't have to throw yourself off a building, because I forgive you."

"Shut up, Vivian," said Severus, but she could see him fighting a smile. She giggled unbecomingly. "Listen," he continued, "I know that other than the nose thing, the worst thing he would do is shake you. I'm really sorry I shook you like that. It was wrong."

Vivian sighed. "I really want this conversation to end, but I have to ask, do you really think that I'm a blood traitor?"

"I'm trying not to."

"You know, I moved in with Evan," Vivian said, as though that would make her above reproach.

Severus drew his wand. "I really must be leaving now, but, Vivian, if you are a blood traitor… I guess that's your choice."

"I'm not."

"It's okay to have doubts. Moving in with Evan, that shows that you're trying to be good. As long as you don't do anything stupid, it doesn't really matter. But if you do, I won't be able to protect you." With no goodbye, he Apparated away.

Vivian sighed. "Right back at you, Severus," she whispered to the empty place where he had stood. Then she turned around and went back inside to talk with Narcissa about the baby.

--

Vivian sat nervously in the living room of the Rosier family estate. Evan had said that it was way past time that she met his mother. Vivian suspected that he had come to this decision he had been told by his mother that she expected to meet the gold digger who was now sharing her son's home. Evan chatted casually while Mrs. Rosier scrutinized Vivian's every move.

Vivian took another cookie from the plate on the coffee table. She wondered why Mrs. Rosier had even invited her considering that she had not said much to Vivian. As though in response to this, Mrs. Rosier said, "That's your fourth cookie, dear."

Vivian chewed awkwardly as all eyes turned to her. She had the uncontrollable desire to spit out the cookie, but she kept chewing for what felt like an interminable amount of time. She understood what Mrs. Rosier thought of her, but she was not giving her the chance to prove herself. This was the first time Vivian had ever had to meet the boyfriend's parents and she wondered if it was always this hard.

"Mum, don't be rude."

Mrs. Rosier's eyes went wide. "No, I was just observing her appetite. I personally admire a woman who doesn't worry about her figure. Tell me, Vivian, what is that do again?"

Vivian was finally able to swallow. She surreptitiously licked her teeth to clean them. "I am a potions healer."

"Oh, that must be how you keep that figure. You use potions."

"Yes, and as a side project, I also use them to cure sick people and save lives."

Evan snorted with suppressed laughter. Vivian just lamented the fact that she had further alienated Evan's mother.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Rosier. It's a bad habit of mine to resort to sarcasm."

She smiled back serenely. "That's no doubt one of many bad habits you picked up in your upbringing."

Vivian wanted so badly to say something about not needing to be judged by blue-blooded bitches who had never worked a day in their lives. Did it really even matter if Mrs. Rosier liked her? What was the worst thing that would happen? Evan would be cut out of the will just so that Vivian would not get her grubby hands on their money? On the other hand, she should at least pretend that any of that mattered to her, and she was trying to. If not for that, she would have gone farther with her comments.

"You were poor growing up, weren't you?" She whispered "poor" as though it was not a word to be used in polite society.

Vivian tried to smile, but she feared it was more of a grimace. "Yes, Ma'am, we were."

"Well, then it was quite fortunate for you that you caught Evan's eye."

"I do feel fortunate."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you have a bit of a track record for dating wealthy men?"

It frustrated Vivian to no end that the gloves were coming off, but she could not respond in kind. In order to keep her sanity, she promised herself that if Mrs. Rosier's comments became any blunter, she would slide in a few snide comments of her own. For now, she only said, "I suppose you could look at it that way." After a moment, she added, "I'm not sure what you're getting at."

"Oh, just that you tend to sleep with wealthy men, and now you've actually convinced one to let you move in with him."

Vivian glanced over at Evan to see how he was reacting to all this. He coughed and excused himself from the room, which did not surprise Vivian in the least.

Mrs. Rosier seemed pleased that they were alone. "I suggest that you leave my son alone and sink your fangs into another unsuspecting fool."

"Or what, you'll cut him out of the will? Why do you care what happens to the money after you're dead anyway?" Vivian did not think for a second that would help her cause, but she was really curious.

Mrs. Rosier raised her eyebrows. "Because he's my son, and he deserves better than that."

"Do you even know him? Evan does not care about anything but sex."

"That's something most young men grow out of."

"No, you misunderstood. He uses women for sex and he throws them away like garbage. He absolutely deserves to be sucked dry of his fortune. And you know, it's not his fortune, or yours. Somebody back in the Rosier family history started with humble beginnings and amassed that fortune through hard work. And that great-grandfather or whoever would have simply hated all of you with your senses of superiority and entitlement."

Mrs. Rosier stared at her with her mouth agape, but Vivian only continued. "You worry about me wasting the family fortune? How much money do you spend on a shopping trip? And you are lucky that Evan met me, because I'm not some gold digger. I will happily sign a prenuptial agreement if we ever get that serious. I am a mostly good person, who yes, had an affair with a married man, a wealthy one. I have been paying for that mistake ever since. I don't care what you do or say, because it won't affect me one bit. Go ahead, convince Evan to dump me, and see who ends up on this couch next."

Vivian sat back in shock. She felt that she had definitely overplayed her hand, but Mrs. Rosier just nodded shrewdly. "Did you know that Evan's father was one of the first Death Eaters way back when?"

Vivian was unable to speak, partly because she was a little out of breath from her speech, but mostly because this change of topic sounded ominous.

"In fact, he knew the Dark Lord in school. He was killed several years ago. In battle. Few people know that. It was a more subtle time in the cause."

Mrs. Rosier apparently decided to leave that hanging in the air, and she changed the subject again. "I knew your mother. Galina, I mean. She was a dreadful woman. You look just like her. But she had that sense of entitlement, too. The Dolohovs came from money, of course, but it was Soviet money, which is useless. She tried to seduce wealthy English men using her name and her charms. Unfortunately, for her, she got pregnant with a poor man's child and ran back to Russia, disgraced. It was quite the scandal in its time.

"When I look at you, I see Galina. You have that same scheming look behind your eyes. Because of that, I find it difficult to trust a single word that comes out of your mouth. Because of that, I am willing to take my chances with whatever floozy Evan falls for next. I prefer him with the dumb ones."

Vivian leaned forward. Now they were getting somewhere. "But you yourself seem like a very shrewd woman, Mrs. Rosier. Surely you don't think that your husband would have been better off without you."

"It won't work. As a woman, I can see your merit, but as a mother, I don't. And as I wife, I couldn't see Galina's. She specialized in married men."

"Evan isn't married!" That part came out louder than Vivian intended, and she lowered her voice considerably before continuing. "And I wasn't… All you people who judge me for being with Lucius, have you never made mistakes? Because I have, and I will readily admit to it."

"Dear, you can't win me over. That's all there is to it." Mrs. Rosier turned her head and called for her son. When he appeared in the doorway, she said, "You can take Vivian home now. We've said all we need to say."

As she left the house, Vivian wondered if she had made things better or worse with her outburst. As far as making Mrs. Rosier like and accept her, that was clearly a lost cause, but maybe now Mrs. Rosier would at least respect her on some level. Vivian decided that she actually would rather be respected by Mrs. Rosier than loved by her.

"You know, Evan, I never met my birth mother."

He took her hand and patted it as they walked down the path leading to the road. "I know."

"So I'm not like her. I didn't even know her; how could I be?" That was all the damage control Vivian cared to do at that time.

"That went about how I expected." Vivian wanted to point out that he had missed half of what happened. "I wouldn't be surprised if you dragged me off to see your parents next, to put me under the critical eye of your father."

"No!" Vivian exclaimed a little too quickly and too emphatically. "I mean there's no need for that. You know, I'm their only girl. My dad would not be… It—It's just better if we don't."

--

The only time Vivian ever went back to her childhood home was Christmas. Even then, she spent less than an hour there. For some reason, after hearing about Galina Dolohov, she really wanted to talk to her parents.

Except for the one conversation when she had been told about it, Vivian had never spoken to her mother about the fact that she was adopted, and, other than that one later conversation, she had never discussed it with her father either. Actually considering how drunk he had been at the time and that he never mentioned it again, Vivian figured he had forgotten the whole thing, which suited her fine at the time. She did not know what she wanted to say to them or ask them; she just knew that it was time to talk about it. That did not make it any easier to face.

Vivian stopped outside the door to the rundown house and looked at the neglected garden. She and Severus had been the only ones to care about the garden. As Severus always said, good ingredients come from healthy garden. Every year while they were gone, it would fall into disrepair, and every summer they would spend hours outside weeding and replanting, all by hand because they were underage. Of course, it had been years since anyone had worked on the garden and it showed. Without fully realizing it, Vivian sunk to her knees and started pulling weeds.

Fifteen minutes later, Eileen Snape opened the door to find Vivian working vigorously in the garden. Once she remembered that she could use magic, Vivian had done a lot to put the garden back in order. She was only pulled out of her reverie by the sound of her mother's voice saying that she had not been expected. She raised her head as her mother pulled her to her feet and gave her a hug.

"Come in, come in. What were you doing in the front yard?"

"I was just…" Stalling, Vivian realized. "It doesn't matter." She went into the house with her mother.

Vivian sat on the couch while Eileen fussed over her and insisted on making tea. "Your father isn't home. He'll be so sorry that he missed you," she called from the kitchen.

Eileen set a cup in front of Vivian and took a seat herself. She looked so happy that Vivian wanted to cry. It only took her ten minutes to get there. What kind of daughter was she that she was only willing to make that trek once a year? She vowed to come home more. "Does Severus ever come here?"

That wiped the smile off her mother's face. "No, we haven't seen him since he moved out. Are you two still… talking?"

"Off and on."

"I'm afraid that he's getting himself involved in some really bad stuff. Do you know anything about that?"

Vivian had never really thought about it, but it made sense that her mother, as the wife of a Muggle, would not approve of what Severus was doing. As a mother, she probably would not approve of what Vivian was doing either. Vivian lied to protect her mother. "No, Severus talks big, but I don't think he's actually gotten himself into any trouble." Eileen looked relieved. "I didn't come here to talk about Severus, though."

Eileen took a sip of her tea. "Why did you come?"

Vivian took a deep breath. "To talk about Galina Dolohov."

Her mother's face went white. "What about her?"

"I met someone recently who had known her, and I want to ask you some questions."

Eileen set the cup down hard. It rattled the saucer. "Vivian, I never wanted you to know about her. How did you find out?"

"Uncle Alistair told me years ago."

Eileen started to speak, but then squinted her eyes. "I don't know what Uncle Alistair told you," She emphasized the word uncle. "But I wouldn't put much stock in it. He didn't even—Ah, well, that's all in the past."

"I know that he's my father and—"

"No, he's not," Eileen said fiercely.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I know that he's my biological father." Eileen made a move to cut her off. "But I know that you're my real parents. Mum, I'm not… You know, Galina's dead and Uncle Alistair? I couldn't care less if I ever see that man again. I want to know more about my biological parents; I don't want to claim them as mine. They didn't want me and I don't want them. Please don't feel threatened."

Eileen relaxed visibly. "There isn't much to tell about Galina Dolohov. She was a dreadful woman."

"That's what Anatola Rosier said," Vivian remarked, mostly to herself.

"Why were you talking to Anatola Rosier?"

Vivian sighed. "Because I'm dating her son, and she thinks I'm a gold digger."

"Let me tell you something about Anatola—"

Vivian waved her hand. "She's not the point, Mum. She just said that Galina was dreadful, and you confirmed that."

"Galina Dolohov wanted to live in England, but not sacrifice the life to which she was accustomed. She… went after married men, one of whom was Anatola's husband. She was not the maternal type."

"So why did she start shagging Alistair?"

Eileen gave her a stern look. "Dear, that's not appropriate language for a young woman. You shouldn't think about such things."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "How was it that she and Alistair came to conceive a child, using whatever methods they did?"

"She… It's really not an appropriate story."

"It's the story I came to hear."

Eileen stood and collected the teacups. "Well, I'm sorry. I'm not going to tell it to you, and that is final."

--

After Benjy's death, a lot of alternatives for Vivian had been suggested and rejected. Dumbledore wondered, through Sirius, if perhaps this should mark the end of Vivian's spying. Vivian said no; she was not done yet. She had goals that she had yet to accomplish. It was proposed that Carl Roth, a new member of the Order, could fill Benjy's shoes. Vivian said no; using Carl would not work for her. Carl had years of disliking her under his belt, and she did not want him to know about her. Besides, he was too new. Dumbledore agreed on this point. It was decided that, as a temporary solution, Vivian would pass information to Sirius. After all, the two were successfully having a secret affair, about which Vivian was horrified to discover Dumbledore knew. If they were found together, they already had a prearranged cover story in place. The solution was less than ideal, since Vivian had seen Benjy at work nearly every day and she only saw Sirius once a week, if she was lucky.

"Did you know that Evan's father was one of the first Death Eaters?" she asked Sirius upon arriving at his house.

Sirius shook his head. "That's not much of a surprise, though. Did Rosier tell you that?"

"No, his mother did," Vivian said contemptuously.

Sirius laughed. "You met his mother? How did that go?"

Vivian walked into the bedroom. "I insulted and yelled at her."

He laughed even harder as he followed her. "Wow. I would have loved to see that. Do you want to meet my mother?"

Vivian scoffed. "No, I've had quite enough of lazy, wealthy women looking down their noses at me."

"It's just as well. I don't think she'll accept my invitation."

Vivian lay back on the bed. "Why are purebloods always so wealthy?"

"They're not always. There's the Potters, the Meadoweses, the Weasleys…"

"Yeah, and there's the Longbottoms, the McLaggens, the Bobbins…" Vivian wanted to bring up other names than the ones they usually discussed, but no more came to her. "The Malfoys, Blacks, and Rosiers."

Sirius sat near her on the bed. "Six families, it must be a conspiracy."

Vivian made a face. "How did the Rosiers make all that money anyway?"

"I have no idea."

"I hope it was in industry." Sirius did not respond, and Vivian knew that it was because her comment had made no sense to him. It was fine; Vivian was ready to move on in the conversation. "Narcissa asked me to be her child's godmother."

"That's surprising."

"No, it's not. I'm her best friend."

"Yeah, but…" Sirius paused. "But you slept with her husband."

"Why does everyone keep bringing that up? It clearly doesn't bother them, and that just means I'm very close to both the parents. I'm practically family."

Sirius smiled. "Okay. James and Lily have asked me to be their son's godfather."

"That actually is not a surprise at all."

"Yeah, they did it months ago, pretty much as soon as they found out they were pregnant."

"Who did they ask to be the godmother?" Vivian did not really care, she was only asking because it seemed to follow.

"Laura Brooks."

"From Bobbin's? That twit is friends with Lily? She couldn't even make an anti-conception potion if…" Vivian's mind suddenly drifted back to her conversation with her mother the day before. "Do you know how I was conceived?"

Sirius waggled his eyebrows at her. "I have a fairly good idea."

"I meant how those two people conceived me." Sirius shrugged. "It was quite the scandal in its day."

"Which was before I was born, in case you don't remember."

Vivian rolled onto her stomach so she could see him better. "My mother flat out refused to tell me. I wouldn't even care exactly, but she's piqued my interest. Mothers just have a talent for things like that."

"I thought you weren't that close to your mother. You blamed her for what happened."

Vivian pushed herself onto her knees and sat back on her heels. "That's not really fair. I blame her—I think she is partly responsible for her continued abuse. And I guess we're not very close actually, but I do love her. She's my mother."

"And your father never hurt you personally?"

Vivian instinctively scratched the side of her nose. "No. He shook me from time to time, but that was about it. Oh, that reminds me; if anyone asks we're purebloods from now on."

"We actually are purebloods."

"No, Severus and I are. He's reinventing himself." She put up her hands. "And I know that I shouldn't be helping him with that, but he'll be safer if they believe that he's pure."

"I think when you're in Slytherin, people just assume. You know, me doing favors for your brother is a really bad precedent."

Vivian kissed him lightly on the lips. "It's not for him; it's for me."

Sirius shook his head playfully. "You're going to have to do better than that."

"Like what?"

In one fluid movement, Sirius had flipped Vivian onto her back. She smiled but said, "See, I think _this_ sets a bad precedent."


	16. June 1980

**Author's Note**: I've only just (a few months ago) realized that there already is an Alistair in the HP books. Vivian's uncle is not meant to remind you in any way of Mad Eye Moody.

* * *

**Chapter 16**

_**June 1980**_

Vivian sat on the couch and leafed through the pages of Witch Weekly, her feet resting on the coffee table. She heard Evan come through the front door, but she did not even afford him a glance. She could feel him staring at her from the doorway. This was not out of the ordinary; he had recently taken to watching her intently whenever they were in the same room together. It had been a bit unnerving at first, but Vivian was quite unaffected by it now.

Evan sat next to her on the couch. He still said nothing and only stared. Vivian kept reading, content to let him do whatever he was doing. Finally, when he realized that she was not going to acknowledge him first, he said, "Vivian, I would really like to talk to you."

"All right." She sighed heavily and set down her magazine.

"Vivian, we've been drifting along for quite a while and I think things should change."

Vivian raised her eyebrows and shrugged. As much as it sounded like he was breaking up with her, she did not think he was. So she wished he would just get to the point.

Evan was disturbed by her lack of interest in the conversation. "I'm trying to ask you if you will marry me."

"Why?" It occurred to her too late that was the wrong thing to say, but she had just been so surprised.

Vivian fought the urge to pull away when Evan took her hands in his. "I feel like I'm losing you. You've grown so cold over the last few months."

Vivian started to laugh, which was, again, not the right course of action. "Evan, I was cold when you met me. If I've had brief flashes of passion, you should have realized that wasn't the real me."

"That's not true." He held her hands more tightly. "They weren't brief flashes. You had passion. I loved your passion."

His passion was hurting her hands, so she pulled them away. "Considering that you cheat on me left and right, what is there to be passionate about?" A thought popped into Vivian's head, and she asked, just to see how he would reply, "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you killed my spirit?"

He shook his head desperately. "Don't say that."

She hated it when he acted so dramatically. "Believe me, it's only just begun to occur to me."

"If you want me to stop cheating, you could say so."

Vivian found it hard to believe that he would stop for her, and she really wanted to ask to see if he would. Still, she knew it was best to go with this broken spirit strategy. "I don't. Really, I don't. When I walked in on you with that woman, I wasn't angry or jealous, I was just mildly annoyed. All I felt was that I didn't want to have to see that. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't know when that happened but it feels like it was around December."

"December, yes. It was around then."

Vivian smiled inwardly. "So all that passion might be gone. Do you still want to marry me?"

"Yes." He grabbed her hands again. "I want to make you happy again. Will you marry me?"

_No. Absolutely not._ "I… I don't know. I need time."

--

Vivian went to her old flat after work. It had been three days of Evan trying to convince her to marry him, without "pressuring" her, and Vivian could not stomach the thought of returning to his place for more. The flat was now sparsely furnished as Evan had been there to help her move out. All that remained was the couch, some non-perishable foods, and a cardboard box that doubled as a table when she ate there.

Since she was there anyway, she firecalled Sirius to come over. He read her tense mood immediately. "What's new?" he asked warily.

Vivian shook her head slightly. "Evan proposed, and now—"

Sirius, who had been on his way to the kitchen, stopped dead in his tracks. "No, absolutely not. I forbid you to marry him."

Vivian had been about to tell him that she had no intention of accepting the proposal, but his prohibition pushed that right out of her mind. She leaped to her feet. "What do you mean you forbid it? I'm not sure who you think you are that you think I need your permission to do anything."

"I am your boyfriend! I think I should get a say in this matter. I have put up with so much, Vivian, and I have been supportive through your entire relationship with Rosier. All I ask is that you don't marry him."

Vivian's righteous indignation melted away. When he put it like that, she could clearly see his point. And yet, there were other issues to consider than just his ego. Vivian sat again and thought. It was still her decision, and she did not need permission. She did not want to marry Evan. Of course, she reflected as she looked around at her empty flat, she had not wanted to move in with him either.

Sirius did not take her silence well. "I don't know why I bother," he muttered. "You're just going to do whatever you want."

She had no idea what he meant by that. "I do not just do whatever I want."

He looked at her like she was crazy. "What about when you got back together with Evan the second time. Or the third time for that matter. And then you moved in with him, and now you're engaged to the guy."

"You told me I could move in with him!"

"Yeah, well, based on your track record, I doubt it would have made a difference if I hadn't."

"That is not fair. And you know what else you told me? You said that I could have the calculated power marriage of my dreams."

"That was years ago, Vivian, before I fell in love with you."

For some reason, hearing him say love took the fight out of her. It always wore her down when he said it, which fortunately was not as often as Evan. "I'm not engaged to him. I haven't said yes yet."

"But you're going to."

"I don't want to. I told him I needed time to think and I really do. This isn't as easy a decision as you want it to be. I'm doing something important here. I have cultivated this relationship for a long time. There is trust building there and he is opening up about his activities more and more. I can't just throw that away because you love me!"

Sirius gave her a look that sent a chill to her heart. She knew that she should have worded the end of that a little differently, but she had not been thinking. He pointed a finger at her. "If you say yes to him, that's it." Then he walked out the door.

Vivian followed him out, calling after him to stop. Her elderly neighbor across the hall opened her door. "What's all this commotion, dear?"

"It's nothing, Mrs. Peterson. I'm sorry for bothering you." With one last look at the stairwell, Vivian went back into her flat and slumped against the door. She slid down to the floor and wondered what she was going to do.

--

Draco Malfoy was born June 5, 1980, a healthy baby boy. On June 13, he was christened, and the proud parents threw a soiree later that day for family and friends.

Vivian could not remember the last time she had attended a party of this size, but it was probably the Malfoys' wedding. When she had been dating Lucius, she had been blackballed from all society functions, and in the last year there had been little cause for celebrating. Vivian could see in their eyes that she was still considered a pariah by most of the women there. In fact, more than once, she had been talking to a man when his wife came up to them and whisked him away, whispering furiously in his ear. Vivian wondered if they were unaware that she could hear them say words like "whore" and "homewrecker." However, if she was only allowed to talk to Narcissa, Evan, and unattached males, well that was more of a blessing than a curse in Vivian's eyes.

She was walking around with Evan, allowing him to introduce her to his friends, most of whom she already knew from school, when they ran into Regulus Black.

"Regulus, my good man, have you met my girlfriend, Vivian, yet?"

Regulus' eyes lit up in a way that told her that he definitely remembered the last time they had met. "You know, she seems so familiar. Where do I know you from, Vivian?"

She smiled coldly. "I have no idea."

Evan suspected nothing. "I've asked Vivian to marry me, and I'm hoping that by this time next week, I'll be able to introduce her as my fiancée."

"That's wonderful," Regulus said dismissively. "Really, you seem so familiar to me."

Vivian turned to Evan. "Well, love, he's so determined. Will you excuse us so that we can figure this out?"

Evan let go of her arm. "Sure."

Regulus watched him walk away, waiting until Evan was out of earshot before saying, "Oh, I remember. You were having meaningless sex with my brother the day I told him our father had died."

"Yes, and again, I'm really sorry for your loss. Could you keep your voice down?"

Regulus looked around, and she could see that he was enjoying this far too much. She did not give him a chance to say anything before she pulled him behind a potted plant for a little bit more privacy.

"So is that why you wouldn't tell your name? Were you cheating on Evan?"

"No." Vivian was glad he asked, because it would not have even occurred to her to make that clear. "Evan and I were broken up at that time. In fact, he dumped me for a younger woman. I was feeling—"

"A younger woman? How old are you, twenty-two?"

Vivian was starting to like Regulus better already. "I'm twenty-one, but exactly. I was twenty when he dumped me for some twit fresh out of Hogwarts. And at that ripe old age, I was feeling undesirable. So I turned to Sirius, and he made me feel better about myself."

Regulus nodded knowingly. "That's what he does best."

Vivian did not understand what he meant. "What?"

"Make depressed young women feel better about themselves."

As much as Vivian wanted to know what he was talking about, she also didn't. "Right. So, it was a low point for me, and I don't think anyone needs to know about that."

"Calm down, Vivian. I don't care who you were doing then or now. I just finally understand why you wouldn't tell me your name. It's because he's a blood traitor."

Vivian tried to look as relieved as she felt. "I'm so glad you understand. Because a lot of people at this party wouldn't."

Regulus smiled. "I've seen Sirius operate. I understand perfectly. Stronger women than you have given it up to him."

Vivian made a mental note to ask Sirius about that later, and then remembered they were on the verge of a break-up. This was a fact she had managed to push from her mind up until then. Even though she felt as though she had been sucker punched, she managed to smile as Regulus walked away.

Vivian went off in search of someone to whom she could talk. She found this in the form of Octavia Valetudo, the healer she had known from school. Octavia and Vivian had never been friends, and neither had ever before sought out the other for a conversation. So when Vivian heard her name, she was stunned to see that it was Octavia who had called her.

Octavia was seated on a loveseat with an unpleasant looking young man. They were not talking when Vivian approached, and Octavia seemed very relieved to see Vivian. "Antonin, this is my, er, colleague, Vivian Snape."

Vivian reached out to shake the hand of this Antonin, who had not been properly introduced to her. He leaned forward and took her offered hand. "Ah, Viviana, of course. I should have known." He spoke with only the trace of a Slavic accent. Octavia, clearly assuming they knew each other, left them looking very relieved.

Vivian pulled her hand back, confused. She had only been called Viviana once, by her father when he was intoxicated. "It's actually just Vivian."

Antonin furrowed his brow. "No, when your mother had you, she named you Viviana. You must be Galina's daughter."

Vivian nodded. "And you must be a Dolohov."

Antonin was surprised that she had not known that. "In Eastern Europe, I would not have had to tell you that. I moved to England when I was five, but in my seven years at Durmstrang I got used to being treated as Russian royalty. Still, I choose to make England my home. The Muggle situation in Soviet Russia has affected our people, and it is not the same."

Vivian wondered if by "our people" he had meant to include Vivian in the Russian magical community. She realized for the first time that as the confirmed offspring of Galina Dolohov, she was technically part Russian.

She moved to sit next to him. "So,… I'm sorry if this is a rude question, but does your family consider me… or Galina's child to be a part of the family."

Antonin waved his hand dismissively. "Galina was my father's sister. She was always getting in trouble. It surprised no one what she was trying to do by getting pregnant. If we accept Galina, we must accept her mistakes." It took him a moment to realize what he had said. "Not that you are a mistake."

Vivian could care less about the unintentional slight. She was more interested in something else he had said. "No, it's fine. What was she trying to do by getting pregnant?"

Vivian could see that Antonin would not have brought that up had he realized she did not understand. "I was very young. I was only seven when she got pregnant. I may remember things wrong."

"Even if that's true, you know more than I do. My mother—my adopted mother—won't tell me and I just want to know. Don't I have the right to know?"

"The right? Maybe. But you do not really want to know."

The worse case scenario that Vivian had imagined was that Alistair had raped Galina, which since Vivian hated the man, she would not put past him. Considering what Antonin had just said, that seemed very unlikely, and it could not be much worse than that. Vivian looked deep into his eyes. They were black and lifeless. "I can handle it, Antonin."

He broke eye contact. "Galina was a schemer. She wanted the old money back, and she had a plan. She, uh, convinced your father to help her get pregnant so that she could pass it off as a rich man's child. The timing was all wrong, though. There was no rich man when you were conceived, so she gave up. Decided it was better to live in Leningrad with the money than to live here."

Vivian sat back to consider this. If things had been a little different, she could have been just like one of those society women whispering behind their hands. Actually, no, she thought, most of them married into their money. She looked around and found Narcissa talking to Portia Malfoy. She could have been like them. All through school, she had hung around with Narcissa and wished that she had been born into wealth and privilege like her. Now Vivian thought about her brother and her parents. They were not a warm bunch, and Vivian supposed she could not honestly say that she was glad they were her family. Nevertheless, if not for bad timing, she would have been raised as the unwanted bastard child who propelled two people into an unhappy marriage, and that did make her actual home life seem a little brighter.

"Do you think I'm like her?"

Antonin was taken aback by the question. "I don't even really know you."

Vivian almost laughed. "Of course, I'm sorry. That's just a lot to take in. Thank you so much for telling me though. I really did want to know."

Antonin shrugged and said goodbye as she walked away. Vivian joined Narcissa and Portia in conversation. Portia, it turned out, was another woman who was willing to talk to her. She had always blamed Lucius and his lack of self-control for the affair, she told Vivian. Eventually Portia excused herself because she wanted to find to some guy named Igor. All in all, this soiree was going better than Vivian had expected. At least, it was until she found herself cornered by Charissa Rookwood.

"You know, he didn't dump me for you," Charissa said in a low, even voice.

Vivian found this situation more than a little disturbing, but she was willing to go along with it for the time being. However, she reached into her pocket and grabbed a hold of her wand, just in case. "Oh, of course not, Charissa. I know exactly why he dumped you."

"But he did dump _you _to be with me."

"I am also fully aware of that." She looked past Charissa to signify that this conversation was boring her. Vivian tried to sidestep her, but Charissa was too quick.

"And we slept together a couple times before you two even broke up."

"That doesn't surprise me," Vivian said evenly. It did upset her a bit though. She had really hoped that she had slept with Sirius before Evan slept with Charissa. That would have been comforting knowledge.

"And," Charissa said with renewed spirit, "I bet I could get him to sleep with me again. We were really good together."

Vivian was starting to find it amusing how hard Charissa was trying to get to her. She did not realize that Vivian truly did not care who Evan slept with anymore. She didn't even care if he left her for this airhead again. As soon as he was no longer useful to her, she would turn him over to law enforcement; it was that simple. "How nice for you. Evan can sleep with anyone he wants. We have an open relationship."

Charissa grinned cruelly. "An open relationship? Is that what they call it when he shags every woman he meets while you remain faithful?"

Vivian had to stop herself from bursting out laughing. She had no idea that Charissa had that in her. Had Vivian cared at all about Evan, that biting analysis would have stung. As it was, Vivian wanted to applaud Charissa for proving her wrong, but that would not have fit into the conversation well. Instead she said, "So him dumping you made you mean. That's interesting. But, you see, I was already mean when Evan met me and we've broken up three times now, so you really don't want to mess with me."

There was a whole new Charissa looking back at her. "Oh, I really think I do."

Vivian tightened her grip on her wand. She was no longer afraid that Charissa was mentally unstable; she was truly thinking that Charissa might be dangerous. "He didn't dump you for me, as you pointed out. Whatever your problem is right now, it's not with me. It's not my fault you couldn't sustain a relationship with him, and it's not my fault that I was the one he chose to suck into some horrible farce of a marriage. Even if you slept with Evan again, it would only be sex. Even if you lure him away from me, he'll still keep shagging those other women."

Charissa shook her head calmly. Vivian would have preferred she be frantic and on the edge of tears. "No, he had no need for other women when he was with me."

"It will be different this time. Until you, he had no need for other women when he was with me either. He gets restless, and I've permitted this… deviance. You'll never have him all to yourself. To get him away from me, you'd have to make that same promise. And I don't know, maybe down the road you could make some kind of ultimatum, but, still, that could backfire. It's best to move on."

To Vivian's immense relief, Charissa took a step back and looked thoughtful. It was less comforting when she said, "That's what I was afraid you'd say."

Vivian was finally ready to let a little panic show. "What?"

"No, I see your logic. It's just hard to accept that's all I really meant to him. You must understand; you've been there."

Vivian was so confused. "You're not stupid, Charissa."

She laughed as though with a friend. "People are always so amazed to find that out. I used to wish I could wear a sign on my forehead that says, 'I'm not as dumb as I look.'"

"Oh, it's not just the way you look. I remember our first conversation. You were… different." Vivian did not want to say "a complete idiot," because that would have been rude.

"Okay, you caught me. It's astounding what people will say and do if you play dumb. It doesn't work with Daddy, of course, but I've found it makes my life easier. That's why I never got the sign."

"So why tell me?" Charissa shrugged, but Vivian knew. Why was it only the mentally unstable evil geniuses who could really appreciate her? "Are you mentally unstable?"

Charissa actually cackled. "Oh, without a doubt."

Something occurred to Vivian. "So if people say all kinds of things in your presence because they think you're too stupid to understand, have you ever thought about using that talent to our advantage?" If Charissa was a Death Eater spy, that would be very handy to know.

Charissa leaned in close. "To whose advantage?"

Vivian gulped involuntarily. "The Dark Lord and the Death Eaters."

Charissa smiled knowingly. "Oh right, them. Maybe I don't want to use my talent to help them. Are you using your affair with Sirius Black to help them?"

"Who the hell told you that?" Vivian realized too late that she had not denied it and that she had heard about that rumor before. However, now that she was literally having an affair, she was a little sensitive about it.

"I overheard you talking to Regulus. I think I was the only one, but he was not subtle."

So Charissa did actually know something. "It's not an affair. It was just a one time—not actually one time, but a one period of time thing. It was to help me get over _you_ stealing my boyfriend."

"Yeah, by the way, Evan didn't choose me because I'm younger."

"It helps me to think of it that way." Vivian did not like this new, "smart" Charissa. Well, she sort of did, but things were simpler when Charissa was an insipid cow. Now she was a worthy adversary, and that was the last thing Vivian needed.

"I think you're a liar, Vivian." Charissa put an arm around her shoulder. "Just like me. I lie to people to get my way, and I think that's what you do, too."

Vivian did not even bother to deny it, although she should have. "That's amazingly astute."

"Thank you. I could care less about this cause and Mudbloods. I just want to get my way. I was spoiled by a widower father and then by scores of young men looking to deflower me. I know I'm selfish, but you, Vivian, it's different with you."

Vivian had no idea where this was going. "How so?"

Charissa laughed as though she could not believe Vivian didn't know. "You're not spoiled. I manipulate people to get what I'm accustomed to; you do it to get out of life what you know you deserve. I respect that."

Without realizing it, Charissa had just confirmed what Vivian had feared. She was like Galina Dolohov. Oh, and Merlin only knew how much Charissa had managed to figure out about Sirius and the spying. She was trying to determine how to find that out without giving any information away when Narcissa showed up to rescue her.

"Charissa, I need my son's godmother for pictures or… something." She was purposefully rude and Vivian loved Narcissa for it.

Charissa face had gone eerily blank. "Oh, okay," she said cheerfully.

Narcissa steered Vivian away. "You looked uncomfortable. What was she saying to you?"

Vivian looked back at Charissa and saw her pantomime zipping her lips and locking them. "She wants Evan back, but that's not…" For once, Vivian could tell the truth. "I think she's a bit mad."

Narcissa patted her shoulder sympathetically. "I'm so sorry. We didn't invite her, but Lucius insisted on inviting her father, and she just came along."

Octavia walked up to them just then. "Hey, Narcissa, I was wondering if I could borrow Vivian for a moment."

Narcissa let go of Vivian's arm. "Not a problem."

"Listen, Vivian—" Octavia put her arm around Vivian's shoulder much like Charissa had done moments before. Vivian quickly shrugged out of it. "—I know that it must be a surprise to see me here, but—"

"I just didn't realize you were in so tight with the… Death Eater crowd."

Octavia made a gesture for Vivian to keep her voice down. Vivian looked around, but she did not see anyone who wouldn't know they were in the presence of Death Eaters. "I know," Octavia said. "It's not like that, though."

"Right, because you _really_ seemed to enjoy Antonin's company."

Octavia made a noise of disgust. "I want it to be clear that I did not come with him. But really, it's not like that. Look." She raised her left sleeve. "No Dark Mark."

Vivian noted that she lifted the correct sleeve to the exact right spot to show if she had a Dark Mark. She raised her own sleeve. "Me, neither. What's your point?"

Octavia sighed. "I don't have one. Just, please, don't tell anyone you saw me here."

"What are you so afraid of? It's just a christening party."

"I get what we're doing here—"

"Celebrating the birth of the Malfoys' first child? That's what I thought we were doing here."

Octavia snorted derisively. "I get what the Death Eaters are doing and I support it, but I have a career to think about. I have friends on the other side."

Until she actually heard Octavia say it, Vivian never believed that she would support the Death Eaters. It had been an evening of surprises. "I have my own career to think about. I don't go around telling people that I hang out with Death Eaters or who I saw with them."

"Oh, thank you!" Octavia hugged her tightly, and Vivian felt very uncomfortable. She pried herself away and hurried off to find someone not crazy. To this end, she avoided Bellatrix and ended up back in proximity with Evan. She was about to slip onto his arm when Narcissa swooped in off the sidelines again and steered her in the opposite direction. "I've only just heard! You must be so excited."

"About what?"

Narcissa's eyes widened. "Evan asking you to marry him. He did ask, right? Because now I see you're not wearing a ring, and I would hate it if I ruined the surprise."

In all the excitement Vivian had forgotten that she still needed to make a decision about this engagement. "Oh, no, he asked. I'm just not sure about him."

"What are you talking about? You always said that he was the love of your life. It's just cold feet."

"Narcissa, he cheats on me."

Narcissa waved her hand dismissively. "That's hardly important."

Vivian realized that if Narcissa had not had such a lax policy on cheating she would not be there. "I see your point, but I don't know if I can be as understanding as you are."

Narcissa gave the smug knowing smile of a new mother. "You should marry him, Vivian Snape." She started to back away. "Listen to me. I know you."

Later, when Vivian was talking to Evan, she saw Narcissa standing behind him and pointing. She was mouthing "Marry him," and Vivian could not keep herself from laughing.

--

The next day at work, Vivian ran into Sara. This was notable because Sara had given birth six months before and Vivian had not seen her since. She kind of hoped that Sara was not coming back, but it appeared she had just taken an extended maternity leave. After the strange night Vivian had had, she braced herself for some stunning revelation. It never came. Sara just showed her pictures of her squinched faced baby and made a few snide remarks. It was a pretty typical Sara encounter, and Vivian found comfort in that.

After Benjy's death, Vivian and Carl had been moved to the main potions laboratory. It was only a few months earlier than they would have been anyway, and both passed the certification exam. Even though Benjy had died three months before, the mood in the potions laboratory was usually somber. More and more there was chatter and the occasional laughter, but even then it was not the same as before his death. Vivian missed Benjy more than ever now. He rarely gave her advice, and it was even more rare that she would take it, but he had always been there as a sounding board. She tried to imagine what he would tell her now. She figured he would tell her not to get engaged. Actually, Vivian knew that was not right. Even when he gave advice, it was not that direct. He would probably tell her to only get as involved as she wanted, that if she went beyond what she could handle, it would endanger everyone. He would tell her that this was a decision only she could make, which put her back at square one. Benjy never said much at all, but somehow his presence had always filled up the room. He was gone now and Evan was to blame for that. Vivian knew then, as she felt the emptiness of Benjy's absence, what her decision had to be.

--

It still took Vivian several days to get up the courage to give Evan her answer. She came out of the bedroom to find him poring over papers. He did not look at her as she stood over his shoulder. This surprised Vivian because he was still in the habit of staring at her whenever they were in the same room. She cleared her throat loudly.

He turned around, annoyed. "What is it?"

For a second, Vivian was going to say something else. This was no one's vision of getting engaged. Yet that made it perfect, Vivian realized. She did not want the ideal engagement scene with tears of happiness and the opening of champagne or whatever. Actually Vivian had never imagined her dream engagement, but she knew that this was not it, and that made her happy. Let her save that for someone she actually wanted to marry. "Yes, I will marry you," she said impassively.

After that, Evan did in fact open a bottle of champagne and may have cried a few tears of joy, but in Vivian's mind, the memory of this night would always tainted by the way it had begun.

* * *

**Author's Note again:** The use of the word "christening" is not meant to denote religion, although it has Christ right in it. It just reflects that there is some kind of ceremony when a new baby is born.


	17. July 1980

**Chapter 17**

_**July 1980**_

The day after she got engaged, Vivian sent an owl to Sirius telling him that she had said yes to Evan and that she would be at her old flat for an hour every day after work if he wanted to talk. She knew that he had said that would be it for them, but she did not want to believe that was the break-up. If they had to break up, it should at least be in a way that gives closure. And if he came for the closure conversation, maybe there was a chance they could work things out. So Vivian had to believe that he would show up. She went to her flat every day for two weeks, but there was no Sirius.

On the first Thursday of July, exactly two weeks after she had gotten engaged, Vivian sat in silence for exactly one hour. She decided the next day would be the last day she waited for him. She wondered if she should send him another owl to let him know that she would no longer be there, but it did not seem that he would care. Vivian got up to leave when there was a knock at the door. This was a bit alarming since Sirius never knocked and only her Muggle neighbors and landlord knew that she still lived there. She looked through the peephole and saw that it was in fact Sirius at the door. She eagerly opened the door for him.

Sirius strode into the room, and without a word of greeting, said, "I've given this engagement a lot of thought. I don't want to lose you."

Vivian looked at him closely. He looked terrible. There were dark circles under his eyes and he just seemed worn out. She thought that was encouraging. "You don't have to lose me. I'm right here."

She made a move to embrace him, but Sirius held her at arm's length. "It won't be easy for me to accept that you're married to another man. But I can do it as long as I know that you love me."

Vivian's breath caught in her throat. Surely he was not asking what she thought he was. "You know how I feel about you."

HE gave an odd sort of smile. "No, I don't, because you've never said it. Not once." He grabbed her by the shoulders. "I love you! I need to hear you say the same."

He shook her a little as he said this. Vivian pulled away violently, much as she had when they were in school. "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

She turned away from him. "I've said it so many times and I've never meant it. 'I love Lucius. Evan is the love of my life.' All that gushing and fawning isn't me. I don't gush."

"You're shutting me out. You're feigning this ice princess act like you always do when you get scared."

Vivian knew he was partially right. That was what she did when she got scared, but that was not what she had been doing now. "I'm shutting you out? You've never even let me in!"

"All I need is to hear you say that you love me. Why is that so hard for you?"

"Because I don't love you!" The words came out before Vivian could find a way to soften them. Sirius physically staggered from the weight of her words. "You have to understand; I just don't believe in love. I've told you that several times."

Vivian tried to go to him again, but he backed away from her. "No, you told me that you believe in love in theory, but at that time you had never seen it work. We work."

"Obviously not as well as you think." She did not say it to be cruel, but to be accurate.

"So that's it?"

"What? That's what?"

"You don't love me, so where can we go from here? We've been together for over a year, and you don't feel anything."

He was twisting her words. "That's not what I said. I care for you a great deal."

"You _care_ for me?" This clearly was not enough for Sirius.

"What do you want from me?" Vivian asked, even though she knew. She could tell he was waiting to hear those three little words. "Do you want me lie? Is that it?"

"No, Vivian, it would be meaningless if you lied."

For the first time since this argument started Vivian could almost see it resolving. "Exactly. They're just words."

"What I want is for you to love me."

Vivian sighed. "You're not being realistic."

She could see the end on his face before he ever said it. She had seen it coming for months, in fact. That did not make it any easier to hear him speak. He was not even looking her in the eye when he said, "Do you understand that we're breaking up? Does that bother you at all?"

She understood, but she was not going to make it easy for him. "Oh, yeah, it bothers me. But _we're_ not breaking up; this isn't mutual. You're breaking up with me, because I don't conform to what you want me to be."

"You've always had the bad habit of blaming the victim. I've never asked you to conform to anything, but I can't be with you if you don't think it's realistic for me to expect you to fall in love with me. So, if that's the case, I'm going to go."

Vivian opened the door for him. "That's probably for the best. I have an engagement party to plan."

Sirius gave a contorted smirk, and though he looked like he wanted to say something, he just walked out.

It had not been an entirely satisfying break-up, but at least there was more closure than before. Vivian did wish she had remembered to say goodbye, though.

--

After that, everything happened so quickly. First there was an engagement party to plan and Vivian being asked about colors and flowers and other things that she could care less about. Mrs. Rosier was making spiteful comments and being generally unpleasant. Evan was blithely ignoring all the tension.

Then one night, Evan left to tend to business and never came home. Now Vivian sat in front of a casket wearing black. She tried to cry, but there was nothing. She genuinely felt dead inside, and she figured that would work. Besides, to her left, Wilkes's widow was weeping loudly enough for both of them.

Vivian barely listened to what anyone was saying throughout the proceedings. She was so angry at Evan for dying. This was not how it was all supposed to go down. Just like that, all her plans had come to an abrupt stop, and she was left with nothing.

After the funeral, there was a reception at Wilkes's house. Since the two of them had died along side each other, Mrs. Wilkes had thought a joint funeral and reception would be fitting. Vivian had readily agreed because it would save her all the work of planning a funeral. Vivian heard condolences from so many people that she needed a few glasses of wine just to make it through the evening. She was so relieved when Mrs. Rosier finally suggested that it was time for them to leave. Vivian used the Floo Network to return to Evan's flat because she could recognize that she was a little too tipsy for Apparation.

Back at the flat, Vivian reached for another glass of wine. Mrs. Rosier took it out of her hand. "I know that you're hurting, dear, but you've had quite enough."

Vivian sat sullenly on the couch. Mrs. Rosier continued. "We have matters to deal with. I want Evan's grandmother's ring back."

Vivian laughed. "For what? In case you didn't notice the Rosier line has just died out. There's no one else to give it to. I guess you just don't want me to hock it." She snorted at the thought.

"Yes, you've definitely had enough wine."

Vivian did not drink often. So it took her a second to realize that Mrs. Rosier was right. Here she was laughing on the day of her fiancé's funeral. She resolved to be more appropriate. Unfortunately, in her condition that was not easy. She looked at the ring on her finger and pulled it off with some difficulty. She held it out in her hand as an offering. "I've lost everything."

Mrs. Rosier took the ring and murmured an assent.

"No," Vivian said. "I gave up everything for him. Every. Thing." Thing came out sounding funny, and Vivian tried not to giggle. "Everything," she said to remind herself.

Mrs. Rosier sat next to her and seemed unsure as to whether she really wanted to be comforting Vivian. "Now, dear, what did you really give up?"

Sirius. That was what she gave up. She had the good sense not to say that, though. "My dignity, my pride, my ability to look at myself in the mirror. What else? My entire future. I hung that on him and now he's gone and I have nothing."

Mrs. Rosier patted her hand awkwardly. "You're upset, dear. Go to bed. You can worry about making other living arrangements in the morning."

Vivian could not believe how insensitive she was being. "Do you realize that he's dead? I mean, 'cause you're a little… impassive."

Mrs. Rosier's face hardened. "I hoped that he wouldn't marry you, but if I'd know that this was the alternative, I wouldn't have. That's all I can say in your favor. Obviously I'm upset. I'm his mother; who are you? I don't want to grieve with you. I want to get you out of my life."

"You know, he loved me whether you like it or not." Vivian wanted to stick her tongue out, but she did not. "He loved me, and you can't stand it." That came out a little more sing-songy than she'd intended. "Taking back the ring, which is bad form, and kicking me out of his flat won't change any of that. And I think I will go to bed. You may leave now."

Mrs. Rosier motioned to show that she would love to leave but could not. "I'm not going to leave you alone here."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "Well, I hope you like the couch."

Mrs. Rosier transfigured the couch into a bed that looked more like a cloud, which Vivian had forgotten was an option. "This should work just fine," she said, smirking. Vivian turned and went to her room with a huff.

Vivian lay in bed for a long time staring at the empty space next to her. She tried to imagine Evan lying there; then she tried to imagine Sirius lying there. Both times, however, she was unable to see anything in that place. Even when she closed her eyes, she could not get her mind's eye to conjure up the figures of either man. She was simply alone, even in her imagination.

The next morning, Vivian awoke like a shot. She sat straight up in her bed, Evan's bed, and then held her head as she realized what a mistake that had been. She got up from bed slowly and found that as long as she did not make any sudden movements, her headache was not that bad. She was a little nauseous, but she supposed that was to be expected. She went out to the living room to see if Mrs. Rosier was awake yet.

She found Mrs. Rosier in the kitchen. When Vivian came in, the woman handed her a potion. "It's a hangover cure. I thought you might need one."

Vivian made it a policy not to drink potions she had not made herself. Potion making was a delicate art that could so easily be screwed up by someone lacking the proper skill. The last thing she wanted to do was upend this brew, which was making her more nauseous by the second. Vivian did not think that insulting Mrs. Rosier would be a good course of action at this juncture though, so she raised the glass to her lips and drank it down quickly. The foul mixture came back up even more quickly. Luckily, Vivian was close enough to the sink that she was able to minimize the mess.

She wiped her mouth on a dishtowel. "You know, I should be fine as long as I don't eat anything. And I want to apologize if I was… inappropriate last night. It was…" It occurred to Vivian that this would be a good time to cry and lament the loss of her love, but no tears were coming to her. "The only thing I have felt since he died was complete and utter hopelessness. Not pain, it doesn't hurt; it's just a crushing numbness. I saw him at the funeral and I felt like my heart was in the coffin with him…" Vivian trailed off as she tried to think of something else to say.

Mrs. Rosier did not give her a chance to go on though. "Why do you feel so helpless? Is it because he died before you were married?"

Vivian leaned against the counter. She knew what Mrs. Rosier was implying, but debated whether or not to play dumb. Surely, Mrs. Rosier would see through that. "No, it has nothing to do with the money. I do believe that it's bad form to take back the ring and kick me out, but that's not it. I feel hopeless because I loved your son. I don't care if you ever believe that; it doesn't much matter what you believe now. It was never about the money though. I have a good job and I'll be okay financially. That's not what I lost. I lost Evan. I see no future without Evan. I feel nothing now that he's gone."

If Vivian had hoped her impassioned speech would soften Mrs. Rosier's heart, she was disappointed. That woman was determined to see her as the gold digging tramp daughter of Galina Dolohov. Vivian was starting to see that, even now through Evan's death, she could not win her over. They stood in silence.

Finally, Mrs. Rosier spoke. "So, about the flat…"

"Oh, I will gladly move out. I don't want to live here without Evan. I just need a couple of days to secure my old flat."

Mrs. Rosier's face grew pleasant for the first time. "That won't be a problem, dear. Now shouldn't you being going to work? It is all you have left."

Vivian could not tell if that was another crack about her financial situation, but she decided to let it go. "They gave me the week off. Some people are sympathetic to my grief."

"But you don't feel grief. You feel numb, which, by the way, dear, might not happen if you laid off the wine from time to time."

That was it for Vivian. "You know what, Anatola? I can understand why you felt threatened by me, and it had nothing to do with money. But Evan's dead, so you really don't have to worry about losing his love to me. Could I have driven a wedge between you two? Undoubtedly, since you are such an unbelievable pain in the… neck. Would I have? God, yes. But he's dead, so you can stop with the comments. Maybe I started drinking because I knew this was coming. Because it was so much easier to deal with last night."

"I'd be careful what you say to me."

Vivian laughed cruelly. "Why, because your dead husband knew You-Know-Who in school? Because you can stop me from getting your dead son's money? What do you really have to threaten me with? I'd prefer straight threats to those veiled insults. So what is it that you're going to do me if I'm not careful?"

Mrs. Rosier had no response to this. Vivian figured as much. She walked out of kitchen, which she had wanted to do for a while. She just needed to make sure she was winning the argument first.

--

Her first day back at work, Vivian ate lunch with Octavia. It seemed that Vivian had given her some sense that they were co-conspirators with her comments at Draco Malfoy's christening. Vivian suddenly found herself with a new friend, and it was not entirely a bad thing. Even though Octavia was a Death Eater sympathizer, she was actually an interesting person, and she was less concerned with talking about the cause than gossiping about the staff at St. Mungo's. Vivian hadn't made many friends at work, and she had not had anyone to eat with since she went off the night shift. Best of all, Octavia's gossip was occasionally useful for passing on to the Order. Of course, Vivian no longer had someone in the Order to whom she could pass this information.

"So she made you move out of the flat within days of his funeral?"

Vivian nodded. "Luckily, my old flat was still available. And the day of the funeral, she took back the engagement ring he gave me." It felt good to abuse Mrs. Rosier.

Octavia gasped with horror and delight. Horror at how insensitive Mrs. Rosier was being, delight at the juiciness of this gossip. "What a bitch! So how are you holding up?"

Vivian considered this question. She did not know how to be a grieving fiancée. What was appropriate and how would she know? "It helps to be here, to have something else to concentrate on. But it still hurts all the time, like a dull ache, and I just feel lost, like I'm drifting along aimlessly. Actually, I'm sorry, but I'd rather not even talk about it."

"That's understandable. So..." Octavia leaned in closer. "There's a man, yes, a _man_, upstairs who thinks he's Queen Maeve. It's the most hilarious thing; you have to go up there…"

--

Vivian sat at her kitchen table and read over a card of condolences that had come from the Nott family. She had not been writing back in response to all the cards she had received, but this one was different. There was a long written section that was so thoughtful and heartfelt that Vivian could see that Evan had been important to the family, "like another son" according to Mrs. Nott. Vivian felt that it was only right to respond to this and thank Mrs. Nott for her kind words. The problem was nothing came to her. Vivian was staring at a blank note. Everything she thought of sounded so clichéd, and she was supposed to be in love with Evan. She should be able to come up with a sincere note of appreciation. It occurred to her that maybe a glass of wine would help get the creative juices flowing.

Vivian was still staring at that blank sheet of paper when there came a knock at the door. To say she was surprised to see Sirius outside her door, chatting away with her neighbor, would be an understatement.

"Oh, Vivian," said Mrs. Peterson, "I was just having a delightful talk with your gentleman friend."

Vivian's eyes stayed focused on Sirius. "So you were."

Sirius bid Mrs. Peterson farewell and went into the flat. The old woman leaned forward so as not to be heard by him. "He was dressed as strangely as you always are. Are you two in a cult?"

Vivian forced a smile. "No, Mrs. Peterson. Have a nice night." She closed the door before anything else could be said.

When she turned around, Sirius was looking in the bedroom. "I see you haven't furnished the place."

It was true. The only addition to the sofa and the cardboard box was the table she had been sitting at and the one chair. "I've been too busy for furniture shopping."

Sirius nodded but did not say anything. He just stood awkwardly in the middle of her living room.

"Why are you here?" Vivian asked.

He avoided eye contact. "I just need to know if you have any information to pass along."

Vivian tried to think back. "Your brother became a Death Eater."

She had not said it to hurt him, but she saw that it had that effect anyway. "Okay. Anything else?"

"Nothing too crucial. And, since I'm not really poised right now to hear anything all that important, you don't have to show up here. I'm sure this is uncomfortable for you."

Sirius nodded again, just as awkwardly as before. He seemed to struggle with whether or not to say something, but eventually the impulse to speak won out. "I couldn't help but notice the wine on the table. I've never seen you drink. In fact, you told me that the smell of alcohol makes you sick."

She wanted to tell him that he had no right being concerned after he had walked out on her, but that would have been too intimate, too close to screaming that he broke her heart, which was the last thing she wanted to do. "Yeah, well, occasionally I manage to choke down a glass of wine."

"So you didn't drink all that tonight?"

Vivian looked at the bottle on the table and was surprised to see how much was missing. "No," she lied.

"And what brought on this drinking alone?"

"Well, my fiancé just died."

That seemed to really bother Sirius. "See, this is exactly why I didn't want you to get engaged to him. Listen to yourself; you just called him your fiancé."

"He was my fiancé!"

Sirius flexed his jaw a little. "And you're drinking because he died?"

Vivian did not know why he was making such a big deal out of this. After all, he had broken up with her. "Is it a crime for a single woman to have a glass of wine with dinner?"

Sirius looked pointedly at the table where there was no dinner. "Just out of curiosity, what did you do when you lost me?"

"I went on with my life, but, you see—" She gestured grandly at her flat—"I don't have a life anymore. So I thought I'd drink a little."

He sat on the couch, and it irked Vivian the level of comfort he had in her home. He took a deep breath before speaking. "I've been thinking a lot about our break-up. I could have handled you better."

"I don't need to be handled," Vivian said crossly.

"It just occurs to me that maybe I shouldn't have pushed you to…"

Vivian did not wait for him to come up with the right words. "Does this change of heart have anything to do with the fact that I'm no longer engaged? Because if it does, let's face it, my being engaged was not the problem."

"Your engagement caused me to force the issue, and that may have been wrong of me. Now I see that maybe you just need more time."

"I don't need more time. I'm never going to say that I love you."

Sirius shook his head. "You don't know that."

Vivian tried to think of a way to get it across to him exactly how she felt about love. "Evan's love was an excuse, my father's love was destructive, and my mother's love allowed her to be destroyed. Love is a myth. Love is the point at which everything else breaks down."

Sirius jumped to his feet. "No! Love is… great. It's just…"

"It's just causing you pain. Don't you see that?"

"Wow, you are serious about this. You are actively trying to convert people to this point of view."

Vivian hesitated. She had not thought about it like that, but perhaps it was worth a try. "If I can convince you, then we can be together again. If you just let go of this need to hear that I love you, it'll fix all the problems in our relationship. Yes, I am trying to convert you. I'm trying to fix us."

Sirius rubbed his eyes. "I can't—"

"It's just a word!" Vivian burst out. "It's just something people use to excuse their behavior. 'Don't leave me; I love you.' 'I didn't mean to hurt you; I love you.' It's all rubbish. I'm trying to be honest with you."

"Vivian…"

"No, I can say it." She spat out the words with so much venom. "I love you. I love you with all of my heart. Did that make things better? Is that all you needed?" By this point she was pretty sure that there was not going to be a reconciliation that night.

"Why do you even want to get back together? Where do you even see this going?"

"Right now, I don't even know."

"Okay." He started toward the door. "That simplifies things."

"Wait!" Vivian had gotten caught up in the fight, and she now realized that she might have gone a little too far. "Please stay. I do care about you. I need you in my life!"

He still walked through the door. "But that's good enough for you, is it?" She picked up her wine glass and threw it at the now closed door.

Vivian stared at the broken glass on the floor for quite a while. It had felt good to throw it. She had not even realized how angry she was before she did that, but there it was, all her aggression, laying spent before her. Finally, she cleaned up the mess and went back to work on her note to the Notts. As she did so, she noted that July had ended much the same way it had begun.


	18. August 1980

**Chapter 18**

_**August 1980**_

It turned out that Evan had taken the time to make out a will before he died, and he had left everything to his "wife, Vivian." Mrs. Rosier had taken it upon herself to contest this will on the grounds that Vivian was not his wife at the time of his death. Vivian would have been glad to let it go, but Narcissa insisted that Vivian fight to protect her interests. Before Vivian even knew what was happening, there was a hearing set for the first week August.

In these troubled times, the courts were tied up with criminal cases, and probate disputes were handled by a Ministry appointed arbitrator. The case would have been fairly straightforward, except for the fact that the Ministry arbitrator was a longtime friend of the elder Rosiers. In fact, much of the Ministry was either associated with or indebted to the wealthy families of wizarding England. So, while Mrs. Rosier's claim was tenuous at best, the arbitrator was determined to find a loophole for her.

They sat at a large table, with the arbitrator at the head. "Anatola Rosier, as the plaintiff, the burden of proof falls to you. If you concede that this woman is the Vivian referred to in the will, you must prove that your son was unduly influenced or mentally incapacitated at the time he drew up this will. This most often happens when there is an issue with a love potion. Miss Snape, you are quite the potion mistress, are you not?"

Vivian rolled her eyes. "I am. I specialize in legal, medicinal potions."

"Can you prove that Evan Rosier was not under the influence of a love potion or any other 'medicinal' potions?" He made air quotes.

This was a ridiculous question. It was impossible to prove a negative, especially in this case. "Doesn't Mrs. Rosier have the burden of proof?"

The arbitrator adjusted his glasses. "That is a good point. Mrs. Rosier has presented evidence that you have a pattern of seducing wealthy men for their money."

Vivian did not bother to ask when she had presented this evidence considering that the proceedings had just started. She knew that they had discussed this case beforehand. "I'm twenty one; when did I have time to set a pattern?"

"Miss Snape, being belligerent is not going to help your case."

Vivian wondered again why she was even there. There were a lot of reasons and the money was the least of them. It was mostly because she hated Anatola Rosier enough to want to stick it to her and because Narcissa had insisted. Vivian noticed the court reporter in the corner for the first time and a thought came to her. "Okay, let's talk about my pattern. I can only assume that you are referring to my relationship with Lucius Malfoy."

Mrs. Rosier nodded smugly and the arbitrator, Mr. Derrick, took his cue from her. "That is exactly the relationship to which I refer."

"Well, it's true; I am a close personal friend of the Malfoys."

Mrs. Rosier made a noise of disgust to show what she thought of this obvious attempt to trade on the Malfoy name. However that was only the first part of Vivian's plan. She looked clearly at the court reporter. "Let me ask you this, Mr. Derrick: will anyone review the transcripts of these proceedings?"

Mr. Derrick and Mrs. Rosier also found this to be a laughable attempt on Vivian's part. "It's very unlikely," he said.

Vivian smiled. She was going to enjoy watching the bottom fall out of their plan to railroad her. "What if Lucius Malfoy makes an allegation of impropriety? Would they review them then?" Vivian knew that he would do it if Narcissa asked him, and Narcissa was the one who was adamant that Vivian do this in the first place.

Mr. Derrick cleared his throat. "Mrs. Rosier, can you provide evidence that Evan was under any undue influence?"

Mrs. Rosier was clearly disturbed by this development. From that point on the proceeding went grudgingly in Vivian's favor. Mrs. Rosier had no evidence and no claim, so in the end, Vivian was granted half of Evan's estate.

Seeing the irate look on Mrs. Rosier face, Vivian hurried out of the room once the appropriate papers were signed. She had no doubt that Mrs. Rosier had already cleared out several of the more valuable possessions from Evan's flat, which did not bother Vivian that much. It was more of a moral victory, as Vivian was sure that she would actually receive much less than half the estate.

--

Harry James Potter was barely more than a week old, and Sirius was spending every spare minute at the Potters' house with his new godson and the proud parents. After watching the baby sleep for a solid half hour, Sirius went downstairs to have a talk with James. Lily stayed with Harry, which suited Sirius' purposes perfectly.

James brought in a couple bottles of butterbeer from the kitchen and sat next to Sirius on the couch. "So, what's going on?"

Sirius had thought about this for a long time before deciding to talk to James. He needed to be able to discuss the breakup, and James could certainly be trusted. Besides, it was really only a matter of time before he told James anyway. Now, he just had to figure out how to approach the subject. "I'm actually going through a bit of a break-up."

James raised his eyebrows. "I didn't realize you were dating anyone."

"I know. First of all, let me just say that I never wanted to keep this from you. I've been seeing Vivian Snape. And… and I have been for a while now."

James took a sip of his butterbeer. "It couldn't have been that long; her fiancé only died last month."

"No, it's been quite a while." He put an emphasis on "quite." "You remember that time she showed up at my house?"

James nodded with understanding. "Since before that, then?"

"Yeah, and there's actually a little more set up for what I need to tell you. Well, what I _want_ to tell you." He paused. "I'm about to tell you things that I swore I'd never tell another soul."

James shrugged. "But she had to know that doesn't apply to me."

This was a good point. Everyone who knew them knew that if you told Sirius something, he would tell James, and vice versa. "Apparently she doesn't understand that. She and Narcissa don't have that kind of friendship. But, honestly, it's amazing how long I managed to withhold this information from you."

James took another long sip of his drink. "So, tell me already."

Sirius looked up at the landing to make sure Lily was not listening. She wasn't, but he lowered his voice anyway. "Vivian has been passing information to the Order for over a year."

James sputtered a little. "I didn't see that coming. Has any of it been useful?"

"She was the one who told me that Rosier was involved in the murder of Benjy Fenwick, which led to the arrest he died resisting."

James grew pensive. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Vivian just win a settlement allotting her half the Rosier estate?"

Sirius held in a laugh. Had he still been speaking to her, Vivian would have appreciated how resistant James was to the idea that she was a good person. "If she was trying to get rid of him for the money, wouldn't she have waited until they were married?"

"Well, if she saw an opportunity to have her secret lover arrest her wealthy fiancé, who she clearly didn't love, she might have taken it. Maybe it would have been better if they'd been married first, but when opportunity is knocking at your door, a cunning person--"

Sirius cut him off. "Other information has proved useful as well. Information that did not benefit her."

"In any obvious way, anyway," James finished.

Sirius laughed out loud. "You're just judging her because you hate her brother. I'm nothing like my younger brother, why is it so hard to believe that she could be worthwhile despite hers?"

"So she's that good? I mean you guys have been at it for more than six months."

This was getting nowhere. Sirius decided to move on. "Anyway, so we were seeing each other behind Rosier's back for actually over a year, and—"

"And she dumped you when she got the money?" Sirius started to respond, but James spoke up again. "A year, Padfoot? This is really serious, isn't it? Or it was, anyway."

"Yeah, it was. And she dumped me before Rosier was killed. Actually, I think I was the one to break it off."

"You think?"

"Okay, I technically walked out on her when she was begging me to stay. But she was…"

James leaned forward. "Don't stop. It was just getting interesting."

"Vivian had a really messed up childhood, and—"

"Don't do that. She had the same childhood as Snivellus and I refuse to feel sorry for him."

This had actually been bothering Sirius, as well. If he sympathized with Vivian, it was only a short leap to feeling bad for her brother, and that was the last thing Sirius wanted. "No, it had nothing to do with him. It's just that she's adopted, and her real parents wanted nothing to do with her and abandoned her, and it's really screwed her up."

"So, let me see if I have this right. She's screwed up about being abandoned, and you walked out on her?" James managed to keep a straight face as he said this, but afterwards a smile crept onto his face.

Sirius had not thought about that. Not only did he do that to her on two separate occasions, but one was right after her fiancé had died. He sighed heavily. "When she got engaged to Rosier, it just…" Sirius took a long pause, and James, to his credit, waited for Sirius to compose his thoughts. "You know, when Dorcas died, I really never thought that I could have deeper feelings again for anyone after her. The first time Vivian came to my house, she just wanted to cheat on Rosier, because she hated him."

James took advantage of a small break. "So you'll admit that she was only with him for the money?"

"She was with him to gain information that could help the Order." He held up a hand to stop James' next comment. "I believe that, but you can believe whatever you want. She hated Rosier, that much is clear. And she came to me for that reason, but it didn't happen that night because… because it was too soon after losing Dorcas for me. But something started that night. We began seeing each other, for lack of a better word. And actually, we didn't have sex for a few months, not until she and Rosier broke up, which bothered me."

"So why did you walk out on her?"

"I…" Sirius did not want to say. As much as he felt the need to talk about it, he felt that rehashing it would be painful. "Well, like I said, she and I were heavily involved when she got back together with Rosier. And after that, she started shutting me out in a way she never had before. And…" Sirius did not know where he wanted to go from there.

"Oh my god, you fell for her. You actually fell in love with Vivian Snape."

He was glad James had said that because he wasn't sure he could say it himself after everything that had happened. Now Sirius had the luxury of just nodding to convey that he had in fact fallen in love with Vivian. "And I told her so the day she told me Rosier had asked her to move in with him. I'd been thinking it for at least a month, but I didn't want to say it first. It kind of popped out that day. I mean if she was going to move in with him, I needed to hear it, so I said it. And not only did I say it first, but she did not say it back. She never said it back. And then she got engaged when I specifically asked her not to."

"And—" James cut himself off, clearly feeling that his next comment was too brutal.

"And what?"

James was silent for a moment. Then he said, "And yet, you still believe in her? Sh-she didn't love you, and she got engaged to another guy. She was pushing you away, holding you at arm's length. Wasn't it a little obvious what was going on there? What you were to her?"

Sirius shook his head. "It wasn't like that. She was doing it for the Order."

"Sirius, people don't do that. I like to think that I have a pretty successful marriage. I would put Lily and my son ahead of any cause. Your theory doesn't make sense. No matter what you say, I don't believe a girl like that would be that devoted to this cause. What's in it for her?"

Of course, knowing Vivian better, Sirius did not find it odd that she would be that devoted, but James's comments had made him think. "Come to think of it, she changed. I knew something must have happened, but she changed a lot. It must have been profound. She never told me."

"Tell me about the break up."

"Yeah, well, if she was going to marry another guy I needed to hear her say that she loved me, right? So, I forced the issue and—"

"And when she said it, you didn't believe her?"

"She didn't say it. She refused." Sirius was sure he already knew what James was going to say.

James sat there, stunned. "Why wouldn't she say it? Why—why wouldn't she lie?"

This had not been what Sirius expected at all. "Because she—" He was going to say it was because she loved him, but that made no sense. If she loved him then she did lie. "Because she cared about me enough to be honest."

"So it was too soon for her." This was a statement not a question.

"Er, well, no. I wouldn't have ended it if she needed more time. She, er, doesn't believe in love. She's a bit of a cynic, and I'm not okay with that."

James shook his head. "That isn't making any sense. Are you telling me that she never told Rosier that she loved him?"

"No, she told him. She… lied to him, but not to me." Sirius was starting to see that perhaps it was possible that he had in fact been a little bit in the wrong.

Sirius was lost in his thoughts when James spoke again. "What kind of person doesn't believe in love?"

Sirius did not really know how to answer the question, but it did not matter because at that moment Lily called out from upstairs. "He's awake! James, get up here."

The proud father was up in a shot, but Sirius hung behind. "I'm going to go. I have something I need to take care of."

Sirius went to Vivian's flat again, despite the fact that their last two encounters had ended rather badly. He was not sure that anything had actually changed, but his conversation with James had gotten him thinking about some of the things that had happened between him and Vivian.

In the past, Sirius had always Apparated directly into Vivian's flat, but after she got engaged it had not seemed appropriate. When he showed up at her flat the first time afterwards, it seemed to him that they were already well on the path to a breakup. The next time he went there, they were technically broken up, and it was the same this time. He knocked on her door and waited for the answer.

When Vivian came to the door, it was clear she had been drinking. She did not even let him say a word. "Oh god, what are you doing here? I don't love you! Leave me alone." With that, she slammed the door in his face.

Sirius debated knocking again or even just Apparating directly in, since she probably had not changed the charms. He heard the slur in her words, and he knew that anything she said was tainted by the drink in her. Still, he wondered how many times he needed to hear her say that she didn't love him before he would believe her. If they talked now, it would all end up the same way as before, except it would probably be more volatile, judging by her mood. Even if she did say everything he wanted to hear, it wouldn't mean anything because she was drunk. Sirius was done. It was almost freeing that she had put this definitive ending on it. Almost.

--

Vivian awoke the next morning, and after she took her hangover cure that was moderately effective, she vaguely recalled a dream she'd had. All she could remember was that Sirius was in it and something had happened. It was on the tip of her memory, which was quite annoying, and she wished she had not remembered anything.

Thinking about Sirius was painful for Vivian. She had replayed their last conversation over and over in her mind since the night it happened. What kind of person was so obsessed with the word love that they could not recognize the strength and depth of emotion in a phrase like, "I need you in my life?" So she had not used that one stupid word, so what? Vivian was glad she had not said it. It was clear to her now all that mattered to Sirius was the word love; he was not at all concerned with the emotions. She had been honest with him. At the end, when she asked him to stay, that was the most vulnerable Vivian had ever been with a man, and he still walked out on her.

Many times during the subsequent weeks, Vivian thought that she should have just said it. She should have given Sirius what he wanted. There were lonely nights when she knew she had only her pride to blame. She was an accomplished liar, and to say that to him would have just been a fudging of the truth at worst. She did not want to be alone anymore. Every day that passed without Sirius was more painful than the last.

Then she would remember the end of the conversation. As far as Vivian was concerned, she had told him that she loved him in her own way. Love was just a word; it only had the meaning a person attached to it. If what she said did not convey the meaning that Sirius attached to it, then she did not want his love.

* * *

**Author's Note:** There is one line that sounds like a quote from The Office, but I assure you that I wrote this chapter before that episode aired.

And if the conversation between James and Sirius sounds a little too much like girl talk, that's because I don't know what boy talk sounds like. I tried though.


	19. September 1980

**Chapter 19**

_**September 1980**_

Vivian was not happy to see Charissa Rookwood arrive at her flat. Charissa was hysterical. She kept repeating "Did you hear?" as she pushed her way into the living room. Vivian had not been drinking, and she immediately regretted that decision. "Calm down. Did I hear what?"

Charissa sat on the couch and took several deep breaths. It was quite a while before she was able to pull herself together. "Antonin was arrested."

Vivian did not understand why that would upset Charissa so much. "And?" she prompted.

Charissa looked up at her like she was crazy. "And he's been taken to Azkaban. Are you dense? Antonin Dolohov is in prison!"

"Well, I know that technically he was my cousin, but I didn't really know him. So..." She shrugged.

"It isn't always about you, Vivian."

"I'm sorry. Were you and he... involved." Vivian remembered Antonin from the party. He had not been much to look at, and Octavia had seemed very keen to get away from him. Surely someone like Charissa could do better than that.

"Merlin, no! I see that I have to spell this out for you." She paused, theoretically to allow Vivian one last chance at figuring it out on her own.

Vivian had no desire to play a guessing game. "Yes, that would be nice."

Charissa sighed. "He and my father worked together in the organization. He knows all about the things my father was involved in. At least Evan and what's his name didn't allow themselves to be taken alive."

"Wilkes. So you think that your father is going to be arrested? That's what this is all about?"

"Yes! Is that not tragic enough for you? Do you want me to raise the stakes some more? It's a big deal, Vivian!"

Vivian had not meant to imply that it wasn't. "I know. I just wish you'd said so from the beginning."

Charissa got up and started to pace. "All right, maybe you don't understand. It's not just Dolohov. They knew about Evan and Wilkes. Who knows where they were getting that information from?"

Vivian tried not to react. She had given Sirius very detailed information on Rosier before all that talk of engagement had started. It was a couple months later that the Aurors tried to arrest Evan. She could not be sure that her information had any effect on the decision to arrest, but it was likely.

Charissa continued, oblivious to Vivian's guilt. "And, you know, Igor Karkaroff has been arrested. That happened even before Evan's death. What if it was him? What if he's just telling people everything that he knows? And now Dolohov's been arrested. Who knows if he's going to keep his mouth shut? What am I going to do?"

"Well, I don't know that there's anything you can do. Your father made choices, and you always knew that this was a possibility. You should come to terms with it and live every day with him to the fullest."

"Right, if I wanted to hear trite advice, I'd read a magazine. I wasn't asking what I should do about Daddy, I was asking you what _I_ should do, personally."

"I don't know what you mean by that," Vivian said.

"I mean, I have no marketable skills. What am I going to do on my own?" She lowered her voice. "We don't have that much money, really. Daddy's an Unspeakable, and that pays well, but he doesn't have that much in savings. Without his paycheck, I'll be on the street!"

At first, Vivian was not going to laugh, but the laughter bubbled up inside her, and she could not help it. Once she had started laughing, she did not even bother to hold back. Between gasps for breath, she managed to say, "You want me... to tell you... how to make money?"

Charissa was not amused. "Yes," she said, annoyed.

Vivian had to sit down. "My advice to you is to develop marketable skills. Pretty simple, isn't it?"

"That's not helpful," Charissa said through clenched teeth.

She probably thought Vivian was joking. In a sense, she had been. "No, you're right. How could you be expected to do that? I'm sure you wanted to know a way to make money without getting a job. Well, the truth is, those society woman you normally talk to are more suited for this, because my real advice is to marry well. That's probably the only hope for you."

"Marry well? You think that hasn't occurred to me? I..." Charissa grew pensive. "How do you do that?"

Vivian was about to give a flippant response when she realized that if Evan were still alive, she would be well on her way to marrying well herself. "I, er, I really just gave Evan whatever he wanted. I did the same thing with Lucius. I knew he was never going to leave his wife for me, but I know that kept me in the relationship past its expiration date."

"And how did you get Sirius Black into bed?"

Vivian hesitated. That was the one relationship she could not be honest about with Charissa. "Well, that wasn't very difficult at all." That much was true. "There was no emotional involvement. I... I don't understand that man at all. I can't tell you much about what might have worked on him."

Vivian realized she was rambling when Charissa smiled impatiently and asked, "But who is there left to marry?"

She had a point. Vivian was hard pressed to think of many single men from the wealthy families. "What are your thoughts on Muggleborns?"

Charissa made a contorted face. She looked almost too disgusted by the idea for it to seem genuine. There was something in her eyes, though, that belied a certain shrewdness. Vivian wondered if Charissa was afraid that declaring these men acceptable would mean competition from her. After this moment in the conversation, Charissa had a poorly masked desire to leave and, Vivian had no desire to stop her.

--

It seemed as if every time James spoke to Sirius recently, he was telling him all the reason not to be with Vivian. Now, they were sitting in the Potter's living room, and it was getting rather repetitive. "You know, James, I really don't need any help in coming up with reasons not to get back together with Vivian."

"Are you sure? Because you're in love with her, and I just think that might cloud your judgment."

James definitely had a point about that. He still thought about Vivian all the time. However, he was sure. "She doesn't love me, she yells at me, and she sleeps with other men. Those are reasons you always leave out. You forget to mention that the real reason we have no future is because of that."

James pointed a finger at him. "This is what I'm talking about. You are ready to take her back at the first sign that any of that has changed. That's bad."

As annoying as these conversations with James could be, it was still nice to be able to discuss the break-up with someone, especially James. "I'm just going to point out, one last time, that I do know Vivian better than you do."

James waved his arms wildly in the air. "We are changing the subject. It is time for you to move on. That's the new subject."

Sirius laughed. "That's not..."

He shook his head to show that he did not want to hear it. "Start naming names. Give me some rebound material. You are Sirius Black; you don't sit around and wallow about girls."

"What about Dorcas?"

"Let me rephrase that. You need to stop wallowing, it's not becoming a man of your caliber."

Just then, Lily came down the stairs to ask the boys if maybe it was time for Sirius to leave. Sirius knew what she meant. She finally got the baby to sleep and she wanted some time alone with her husband. As he graciously took his leave, James said, "Think about it."

"Think about what?" asked Lily. James whispered in her ear, and she nodded. "You definitely need to move on."

Sirius was thinking about what James had said the rest of the night. Maybe he had spent too much time wallowing. In fact, he now reflected, he had still been wallowing over Dorcas when he got involved with Vivian. Of course, that was different; Dorcas had died.

--

It did not take Charissa any time at all to figure out who she wanted to marry. She had known the moment Vivian had suggested marrying well.

Charissa did not know what she had expected when she went to see Vivian. She had been panicked, and she was not rational. The truth was, there were a lot of times when she was not rational. It was not that she made decisions without thinking, because she always thought through every little thing. It was just that she often had trouble justifying her decisions to herself later. Going to see Vivian was one of those things. There had been a method to her madness there, but Charissa would be damned if she knew what it was. Yet the encounter had been fruitful. That idea about marrying well was a stroke of genius.

It had to be Sirius Black, of course. He may no longer be the heir to the Black fortune, but he had plenty of money in his own right. Besides, he was far better looking and more fun than his younger brother. Best of all, Sirius would not be landing himself in Azkaban any time soon. The problem with Sirius would be getting him away from Vivian. Charissa knew that had not ended when Vivian reunited with Evan. It was possible that it had ended at some point after that, which would make things easier for her. Charissa was not worried though. It had never been very difficult for her to get men, even men who were involved with Vivian Snape.

--

Narcissa surprised Vivian by taking the wine glass out of her hand. "Darling, I know how difficult all of this has been on you. But... Well," She placed the glass on a table out of Vivian's reach. "I would never want to tell someone how to grieve, but maybe you should start thinking about taking positive steps toward moving on." She added in a whisper, "You're kind of wallowing."

Vivian knew that she had been leaning rather heavily on alcohol since Evan's death, and she knew that was not healthy. She also knew that it had very little to do with Evan's death, and that was even worse. She sighed. "I know you're right. I, er,... I'm trying to move on. It just isn't as easy as it sounds."

Narcissa sat next to her best friend on the loveseat. "Oh, I know. I've been where you are, but I can tell you that there is hope." She gestured to the bassinet that contained her sleeping son. "Things get better, but wine isn't going to make it happen any quicker."

Vivian hated when Narcissa compared her grief to the miscarriage. It made her feel unbelievably selfish. Narcissa had actually experienced great personal tragedy, and she did it with grace and fortitude. "Can we please talk about something else?"

Narcissa nodded, eyes wide. Since Evan death, she had been so nice and so careful around Vivian. "Bellatrix just got back from a reconnaissance assignment. Would you like to hear about that?"

Vivian gaped. Narcissa never spoke about those matters. It was just a sign of how desperately she wanted to distract Vivian. She needed to think, and unfortunately her head was not entirely clear enough for rational thought. If she heard something, who could she tell? What was the point of collecting information that could not be passed? She was not even sure that she wanted to be a spy anymore. Still, because of her previous spying activities, she had never turned down details about these things. Narcissa clearly thought she had some sort of fascination with it and was trying to use it to cheer her up. "That would be great," she forced herself to say.

By the end of the afternoon, Vivian knew more about plans and movements than she ever had before. She'd had no idea how much information Narcissa had. She wondered in passing if the new mother had taken the mark.

--

With the full moon a couple weeks behind them and a couple ahead of them, the Marauders decided to go out on the town that Friday night. Now that James had a new baby at home, it was harder than ever for the four of them to get together. Unfortunately, it seemed that, considering the state of the world, none of the boys were much in the mood for partying. They ended up back at Sirius's house, drinking firewhiskey and talking.

Peter wisely refrained from drinking too much. He had learned at a young age that he did not hold his liquor quite as well as James and Sirius and that, when drunk, he had little control of his tongue. However, it was not until he became a spy that he did anything with this information. The other boys seemed to like him better when he was drunk, and Merlin knew, he liked to be liked.

Peter tried not to resent his friends. He did not know when it had become so hard. It was after he started passing information to the Dark Lord. He had never done it to hurt them. In fact, he had protected them to the best of his ability. It was just that as he got older, he started to see things more clearly. It had always been the James show, or occasionally, the James and Sirius show. He had not cared when they were in school. He loved being part of a group back then. When they had discovered Remus' secret—they being James and Sirius—it had cemented the bond between the four of them.

Now they were in the real world though, and being part of a group like that was no longer so important. The neglect was no longer underscored by the honor of being their friend. Now was a perfect example. As they got more drunk, it became clear that James and Sirius had a secret, an unimportant one to be sure, but a "best friends only" bit of information nonetheless.

If Remus had noticed this, he did not seem to care. Of course, he was a few sheets to the wind as well. Maybe he was still so enchanted by the idea of having friends that he was not concerned with the quality.

Peter did not know what any of this meant to him. He did still consider them his friends. He still loved them like brothers; at least, he thought he did. But as he sat there, he knew he needed to reconsider some things.

--

Sirius personally favored the hangover cure that involved drinking more alcohol. He believed the Muggles called it "hair of the dog," although he had no idea why. On its own, it was not a particularly effective cure, since all it did was delay the hangover. However, he combined this with other methods , such as drinking as much water as alcohol, and by the time the hangover was settling in, it was a far more mild version.

That particular Saturday evening, Sirius was feeling better than he had any right to, considering the amount of alcohol he had consumed the night before. In fact, he was still slightly buzzed when Charissa Rookwood showed up at his door.

Sirius knew it was rude, but he did not invite Charissa in. He did not say anything, but waited for her to speak.

Charissa smiled when she realized this. "I guess we've never actually spoken before. But still I was wondering if, er, if we could now."

Sirius stood aside, but he still did not say a word. Charissa crossed the threshold, seemingly oblivious to the animosity that came off him in waves. She shrugged off her cloak and tossed it over the back of an armchair.

As Sirius saw the way her robes clung a little too closely to her curves, he had a sudden awakening of sorts. She was there for sex. Maybe Charissa really was as adorably clueless as she seemed. Maybe she wore those robes unaware of how she had filled out in certain areas, but the odds were that she there for exactly the reason he thought.

Sirius had always known that he was attractive, and he had used it to his advantage many times. The first time he did was with a girl one year ahead of him who had so long to be near him that she agree to do his homework for him. Ironically, he had been smarter than her, so he had to edit and correct the essays, but it still saved him a lot of time. He was a fourth year at the time and mostly did it just to see if he could. In the years after that, girls had thrown themselves at Sirius, and he had mostly ignored them, except when it was convenient for him not to.

He wondered now how long it had been since he even noticed a girl who was not Dorcas or Vivian. At the same time, he tried to remember why it was that he did not like Charissa. It came back to him like a shot. She was the slut who stole Vivian's boyfriend, freeing her up for Sirius. So, in all honesty, Sirius had more reasons to like Charissa than not to.

Charissa turned around and smiled. "I know that you're wondering why I'm here."

Sirius thought she was going to say something else, but she did not. The words hung awkwardly in the air as an unfinished thought. "Yes, I am," he said finally.

"I used to date, er, Evan Rosier." She crinkled her nose a little when she said his name. "But that was a long time ago, and I haven't really done anything since." Charissa paused. "And now he's dead," she added, as though she was not sure if Sirius had heard.

"Yeah," he said.

"So I was thinking..." She trailed off, possibly unsure of what she had been thinking.

Sirius waited. He knew what she was going to say, but it was taking her forever to say it.

"I mean," She sat on the couch. "I don't want... I was thinking that I needed to move on, but not in a relationship kind of way. I was thinking... that I want to start having meaningless sex with someone. Like a fling." Up to that point she had been looking up and blinking a lot, but after a long pause she looked him right in the eye. "Do you want to have a fling?"

The first thing Sirius thought was that Vivian was right about how much of a dolt Charissa was. The second thing he thought was about how Charissa exuded a raw sexuality and how much it would bother Vivian if he had a fling with her. Without giving it much more thought at all, he grinned and said yes.


	20. October 1980

**Chapter 20**

**October 1980**

Vivian considered long and hard before she sent Sirius the owl. It was weeks after her talk with Narcissa that she finally decided she had to pass along the information to the Order. Unfortunately, that meant contacting Sirius, and since the last three times they saw each other they ended up fighting, she was not looking forward to seeing him again. But there were more important things at stake than her relationship problems. Still, when a week went by with no response from Sirius, Vivian could not help but feel a little relieved.

When Sirius did finally decide to respond to Vivian, it was for two reasons. One, it would be unbelievably petty to stand in the way of getting information for the Order, and two, he had moved on and was sleeping with a woman Vivian detested. They had broke up months before, and now they had to work together. Fine, if Vivian could handle it, than so could he.

Sirius knocked tentatively at Vivian's door. There was no response so he knocked a bit harder. This was met with a faint moan. Slightly concerned, but even more than that, curious, Sirius knocked much harder before letting himself into the flat.

He found Vivian lying on the floor next to the couch, barely wrapped in a towel. Her hair was wet and stuck unflatteringly to the side of her face. He assumed this meant that she had just taken a shower. The empty bottle of wine next to her probably accounted for her unconscious state.

Sirius had never considered the possibility that Vivian had a drinking problem until that moment. Sure, she had been drunk the last time he tried to talk to her, and the time before that, she'd been drinking, but she was in her early twenties, and it had not seemed odd to him until now. He gently shook her awake. "Vivian?" he said softly. "Wake up."

Vivian squinted up at him. "Sirius." She smiled. "You came." She smacked her lips and made a face. "My mouth tastes weird."

"That is because you are drunk." He helped her onto the couch and her towel fell off. He handed it to her and adverted his eyes. "Let's just get you some clothes, shall we?" He started toward her bedroom.

"Wait," she called out, stopping him in his tracks. "Why are you here? I don't remember."

Sirius turned around and saw that the important bits were mostly covered again, not that he hadn't seen them before. "You owled me. You had information for me."

"Right." She bit her lip. "I don't remember what that was, though."

"Oh, well, that's not a problem. We can just wait until... you're feeling better."

"No! It is a problem." Tears started streaming out of her eyes. "Why is it that I can never give you what you want?"

Sirius did not know how to react to that. Before coming here, he had hoped that she would reference their relationship so that he would be able to casually mention Charissa. He was not sure how he could consider this new relationship moving on when it was all born out of a petty desire to bother Vivian. It was not really even a relationship; it was just sex. But he had considered it moving on nevertheless. Now that he was here however, he knew the truth. He still loved the half naked wino in front of him. It wasn't relevant though, because nothing had changed.

Vivian rubbed her eyes. "Am I crying?" she said, astonished. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

"You're drunk."

She scoffed. "I don't get drunk."

"All right, then." Sirius knew that there was no good reason for him to stick around. It was obviously not a good time for this, and she did not really seem to be posing any danger to herself or anyone else. Except the fact that she had made a habit of drinking alone did show that she was endangering herself in a way.

"Vivian, do you really want to give me what I want?" he asked.

"Desperately."

Her eyes caught his, and Sirius realized how that had sounded. He shook it off and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water.

He sat next to her on the couch. "Here, drink this."

Vivian wrinkled her nose at it. "I'm _really_ not thirsty."

"I want you to drink this," he insisted.

"Oh." She took the glass from him and sipped the contents. "Is that all you want from me?"

She sounded childlike, and while it was not sexy per se, Sirius felt a wave of melancholy nostalgia. It was so rare that she would be this vulnerable with him, and those were the times he wanted her the most. Under the cold, unyielding sarcasm was the woman he fell in love with.

"No, I want you to go to sleep in your own bed and not have any more wine tonight."

"Alone? You want me to go to bed alone, or..."

"Yeah, actually, Vivian, I'm seeing someone new." He said it not to be cruel but to give her some more closure. Sleeping with Vivian tonight, as much as he may want to, would only make things more difficult in the end.

"But I don't..." She looked so helpless. "I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave again."

Sirius had to look away from her wide pleading eyes. "I don't think that--"

"We don't have to. I just..." She stood, wobbled, and fell back onto the couch. "I just don't want to be alone."

"I guess I could sleep on the couch," Sirius relented.

"No! Not the couch." She stood again and rewrapped the towel around her body with some difficulty. She headed mostly in the direction of her bedroom, although she was weaving quite a bit.

Sirius followed her, confused. He did not really know what she wanted from him. She weaved wide, almost running into the coffee table, and he put his hand on her hip to steady her. This was going to end badly, he could already tell.

Vivian stumbled into her room and basically fell onto her bed. She patted the space next to her and said, "You can sleep here."

"Right, but, Vivian... I don't think we should sleep together." Her towel had come loose again, he covered her with a blanket. "You'll be okay alone."

"No, I'm not okay. Alone. I mean, I'm not okay when I'm alone. I sleep alone all the time. Why can't we sleep together?"

In her condition Sirius could not tell in what sense she meant "sleep together". "You mean you want me to sleep here. Sleep. As in, fully clothed."

Vivian thought about it for a few seconds. "No, that's not what I meant. But if you feel the need to keep your clothes on, I guess I'll take it. Really, I just don't want to be alone anymore."

Sirius felt trapped. He had accidentally agreed to something he hadn't meant to. He sighed and sat on the bed. There was something different. "This is a new bed, isn't it?"

Vivian clapped a hand over her mouth and nodded, eyes wide.

Sirius shook his head slightly in amazement at his life. "This is Rosier's bed?"

Vivian kept nodding and took her hand off her mouth. "I forgot; I swear. It's just so much more comfortable than mine."

Sirius had another flash that told him he was still just a petty teenage boy inside, even though he was about to turn twenty one. He really wanted to have sex with her on Rosier's bed. After everything he had put up with, he wanted this. But it was wrong. They had broken up, she was wasted, and they would both regret it in the morning. So, with amazing self-control, he simply leaned over and took off his shoes.

Then Sirius lay on the bed, next to a naked Vivian and tried to think of anything else. She wrapped an arm around him and buried her head in his shoulder. She breathed in deeply and gave a contented sigh.

Eventually, he fell into an uneasy sleep.

--

Vivian woke up before she actually opened her eyes. The first thing she registered was a familiar musky smell. Then she realized that her hand was touching skin. She had to gather courage to open her eyes, because she knew what she was going to see.

Vivian groaned when she saw Sirius. Flashes from the night before filled her head. Sirius stirred, and she tried to pretend she was still sleeping.

"Vivian, I know you're awake." She stubbornly kept her eyes closed, and he sighed. "We didn't do anything last night, just so you know."

She peeked open one eye. "I remember that much. I also remember that I was literally drunk, naked, and crying. And that you managed to resist me."

"Wait, so you're upset that we didn't have sex?"

Vivian opened both eyes and rolled onto her back. "No, that's not... I just wished I hadn't embarrassed myself by throwing myself at a man who was clearly not interested."

"You didn't throw... Hold on, are you saying that... I was in bed with a beautiful naked woman with lowered inhibitions, with whom I know the sex would be pretty good, and by being a gentleman and not taking advantage of you, I wasn't doing you any favors?"

"Yeah, just so you know, you'd never be taking advantage of me. I never going to not want this." It occurred to Vivian that this could have been a gross exaggeration, but her head was still a little fuzzy from sleep and hangover.

"Oh, that's right. This was always just about sex for you."

Vivian sat up, holding the blanket over herself. "No. You don't get to do that anymore. You don't get to pretend that you loved me more than I loved you."

"What are you... No, go on."

"It's just, I'm so tired of you pretending that you were the only one who was hurt in the break-up just because I wouldn't say one stupid little word. I mean when you say that you love me, do you mean that you can't live without me?"

"Yeah."

Vivian heard the "I guess" that he had swallowed, and it emboldened her. "Really, though? Have you been in utter hell these last few months? Have you been able to find no solace, not even in that new woman's arms?"

"I don't know that I would say_ that_, but--"

Vivian got out of bed, the sheet wrapped expertly around her. "Sirius, I can't live without you. Every day since you've been gone, I have woken up in agony. I drink because I don't think I can make it through the nights without you. And it doesn't even make me feel that much better. But it's all I can think of to do. You walked out on me because I couldn't say that I loved you. And I guess to say that I can't live without you is a lie too, because I am alive. But I really and truly cannot stand the thought of life without you. I really have had to turn to alcohol to deaden the pain of losing, not my fiancé, but you. Any pain you feel is deadened by another woman. And so I really don't think it's fair that you get to lie there on your moral high horse.

"Now, I'm going to take a shower, and I think it would be best if you were gone when I get out. Because all you're doing is giving me false hope. And I know that I begged you to stay last night, and I appreciate that you were here for me, but seeing you here is the last thing I need."

Vivian turned and walked out. She kept her composure in place until she got into the bathroom and closed the door. She was horrified by the things she had said. How was any of that going to make things better? She should have pretended to be fine, saved face, so that if she ever ran into him with her, she could pretend that she was happy for them. He just frustrated her so much.

Vivian looked at her reflection in the mirror. She looked horrible. Her hair was sticking out all over the place, worse than bedhead. That was when she remembered that she had taken a shower the night before and slept on her hair wet. There was no point in taking another shower; she had not done anything since her last one. She traded the sheet for a bathrobe and spent a few minutes trying her best to tame her hair, then she went back to her room.

She stopped in the doorway when she saw that Sirius was still sitting on her bed waiting for her. "You're still here."

"I thought there were a couple things we should get straight."

"Oh, good," she said, sarcastically. "Just make it fast because I have to work today." Vivian did not want to have to deal with this right now, but he just stared up at her. "What do we need to get straight?" she asked, bracing herself.

"That I was wrong."

Vivian sighed. "Look, if this is about you thinking that I needed more time, what I said just now--"

"No, you didn't need time, and I get that now. Love is just a word. This, you becoming a raging alcoholic because you can't live without me, is the same thing."

"I'm not an alcoholic," Vivian said indignantly.

"Of course not. I want to apologize because I didn't listen to you before. But I finally hear you, Vivian. I don't want to be broken up anymore. I didn't want to break up in the first place."

Vivian did not know what was he talking about. "But you walked out on me and never came back. You moved on and started seeing someone new."

"But that was only because... I understand that the break-up was as much about my hang ups as it was about yours. So you never wanted to break up either, did you?"

Vivian shook her head warily.

"Okay. I don't want to waste anymore time like this. I think you might be the one, and--"

"No, see, I'm not. I'm just the replacement for the one who died."

"What, Dorcas?"

It was just like him to play dumb. "Yeah, her."

"Vivian, you don't really believe that you're a replacement for Dorcas."

He made it sound like such an absurd idea. In fact, it was not even a question. However, Vivian really needed to think about it before she could respond. "Well, maybe not exactly, but--"

"Vivian, we broke up. It doesn't matter that she died. It probably wouldn't have changed that much between us if she hadn't."

"But you said that you always believed she would come to her senses." Vivian knew without a doubt that Dorcas would have been back for him. She did not even need to know Dorcas; she knew Sirius. "It would have changed a lot. You loved her."

"I love you!" Sirius was incredulous, as though he still had trouble believing that she meant the things she was saying. Vivian rolled her eyes.

From his seat on the side of her bed, Sirius took her hands and pulled her close to him. "Let me tell you something about love," he continued. "Love is a myth. It's a lie. It is the point at which everything else breaks down."

That was the moment Vivian realized where this was heading. She had honestly thought they were still fighting. Even when he said she might be the one, it had sounded like an accusation, as if she could be if only she would just cooperate. After everything that had happened, she had not thought of reconciliation as an option. "You don't believe that though," she said slowly.

"Maybe not, but it doesn't matter." He pulled her onto the bed on top of him.

This seemed so unreal to Vivian. After months of angst, could it really be this easy? She let him kiss her but something was niggling at her mind. Something was wrong about this situation.

"Wait." She pulled back. "What about your girlfriend?"

"What girl-- Oh, that's really just a casual thing. It's not like she thinks we're exclusive."

"No, but _we_ are."

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at her. "Since when?"

Vivian rolled on her back and sighed. He was right. She just had not considered her relationship with Evan as real, and Sirius had not been with anyone when they were together. He would have told her; that was part of the deal. She was so close to getting her life back on track, and it seemed so precarious. She was scared to say the next thing. "I want to be exclusive." She did not let him speak. "I know that Evan's dead, and it sounds like I'm just saying that because of it being convenient for me. But I really think that it's the only way we can make this work. It was wrong for me to get engaged against your wishes and I really think we need to... I don't know what I'm saying. I just want to be exclusive from now on."

"Okay." Sirius sat up. "I never... That's what I wanted anyway. I'll just tell Charissa and then we can start over."

Vivian jumped to her feet. "Did you say Charissa? The woman you've been sleeping with is Charissa Rookwood?"

"I didn't mean to tell you that."

"She was on the list!"

"What list?"

"The list of woman you weren't allowed to sleep with. She was the only name on the list."

He laughed, and that annoyed her. "Vivian, we broke up."

"So you think that means you can sleep with whomever you want?" Vivian knew how irrational she sounded.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I thought actually."

"I can't believe she did that to me. She's like an evil, boyfriend-stealing genius."

"She's not evil, and she's certainly not a genius. It was just sex. She was lonely and she wanted to have a good time."

Vivian laughed. "You don't know her. It was not just sex for her. Charissa is at a place in her life where she's looking to get married. For all we know, she could be pregnant with your child right now."

"I wouldn't marry her if she was pregnant with my child."

"That's good to know."

"No, I just meant that... I would help her obviously. It's just that... I don't love Charissa, and I have no intention of marrying her regardless of... I would marry you if you got pregnant," he finished awkwardly.

"You don't have to say that. It's not as romantic as you might think." Vivian shook her head. "She's probably not pregnant yet; that's not the point."

"What is the point?"

"She's prettier than me," she said meekly.

"Oh, that's right," Sirius murmured. He sounded amused.

"Well, just... Did you have to choose someone so pretty? And better in bed?"

It annoyed her that Sirius smiled just then. "That was kind of the point."

Vivian sat next to him on the bed. "You don't know it, but she is absolutely mad. She may be prettier and all that, but she is a raving lunatic. So... yeah."

"I never said she was prettier than you. That was Rosier."

That did not mean that he didn't think it. "Really? Then what were you just saying?"

"I slept with Charissa because I knew it would bother you. If you want me to be honest, Charissa is very attractive, and she does have a sort of raw sexuality. But come on, Vivian, you know that I prefer brunettes."

Vivian laughed in spite of herself. "Okay, you'll just break it off, and we'll start fresh. Only the thing is, we can't make her angry."

"Vivian, you don't really believe that she is some evil madwoman, do you? Why would she need to trap me into marriage anyway? I'm not as much of a catch as I used to be."

"You still have money. And she..." Vivian broke off.

"She what? She lives with an overindulgent father who provides better for her than I ever could."

Vivian weighed the options in her mind. If she told Sirius about Charissa's fears, then he would know that Mr. Rookwood was a Death Eater. And if he knew that, then he would want more information in order to facilitate an arrest. And if Mr. Rookwood was arrested, Charissa would be more desperate than ever to find a way to marry well. And if Charissa was desperate, who knew what she might have up her sleeve? Vivian had already lost one man, albeit temporarily, to Charissa. She did not want to lose this one.

Now rationally, Vivian knew that Sirius probably already knew about Charissa's father. In fact, Vivian had probably mentioned it at some point. Still, there was no need to remind him of that at this juncture.

"She confided in me that she's lonely. She... wants to get married. She's a girl; we don't really need more of a reason than that. And you have enough money. There aren't a lot of options left."

Sirius shook his head. She knew that he thought she was paranoid. "Okay, so how do we do this without angering Crazy Charissa?"

"I don't know. Just break it off in your charming way, and don't mention me. It's just casual, right? How hard could it be to end it? I'm just warning you not to anger her in the process." Vivian looked up at her clock. She ran to her wardrobe and pulled out robes. "I have to go to work!"

Sirius watched as she striped out of her bathrobe and quickly dressed. As she did so, she added, "You go take care of that, and we will talk later."

Vivian ushered him out of the room. "I really have to go now." She gave a quick, slightly awkward kiss and Disapparated.

--

Sirius also had to work that morning, so after Vivian left, he headed home and got ready. He spent much of the day lost in his thoughts and distracted. He tried to take Vivian's concerns seriously, but he really had trouble imagining Charissa as an evil genius who needed to be handled gingerly. Try as he might, he still thought Vivian was being paranoid because of her history with Charissa.

At home that night, Sirius waited. He had never asked Charissa to come; she just showed up a couple nights a week. He supposed he could contact her, but wouldn't his urgency to end things alert her to the fact that something else was going on? Assuming Vivian was right that was. So he waited.

When Charissa did not show up, Sirius contemplated going to see Vivian, but he decided against it. He wanted everything in place so as not to give Vivian any reason to call it off. She was still a little skittish as far as he could tell.

--

The next night Charissa showed up at his door, flashing her bright smile. "I was just in the neighborhood," she said. "Thought I'd drop by." She shrugged out of her cloak and kissed him gently on the lips.

Sirius placed his hands on her shoulders and held her at arm's length. "Hey, I think we need to talk."

Sirius led her to the couch and Charissa's smile disappeared. "Er..." He tried to think of how to word this. "I don't think that what we have is working out anymore."

Charissa frowned. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No!" Sirius said, a little too emphatically. "You've been great. What I'm trying to say is--"

"Wait. Are you saying that you want to take this to the next level? Because that's what I want too!" She threw her arms around his neck.

Sirius was at a loss for words. Maybe Vivian was right about her being a bit mad. He pried her off of him for a second time. "Look, Charissa, I think you're great, but I don't want to--"

She was not listening. She was smiling like a child with a secret. "I'm sorry," she burst out. "I know that I should have let you say it, but I'm just so happy." She leaned forward to kiss him, and she kept leaning forward until Sirius was forced to lie back.

He tried to push her away, but she was still straddling him. "Charissa..." He was about to tell her that she was wrong and he wanted to break it off completely, but then he saw the look on her face. She really did look so happy, and it was difficult for Sirius to bring himself to hurt her. "I'm just not sure..." He trailed off.

She beamed down at him. "I knew that this was going to become more than a fling. Sirius, after Evan died, I thought my life was over. Even though we'd broken up, and he was engaged to someone else, I never stopped loving him. But this has all turned out to be a blessing in disguise because it led me to you." She laughed. "You are everything I've ever wanted and needed."

"I-- I can't." He pushed her back. "I can't do this right now. You--"

Charissa cut him off. "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? I can come back later so that we can celebrate properly."

"No, I--"

"Okay." She stood and collected her cloak. "I understand. I'll just see you whenever then."

She was almost out the door before Sirius found his voice. "Wait, I don't--"

"Don't worry. You're not blowing me off. It's fine. See you soon." She closed the door and was gone.

Sirius looked around his living room, stunned. Charissa had not heard a word he said, and now she thought they were in a real relationship. His decision to keep Vivian out of the loop until everything was settled came back to him. From what Vivian had said, he had reason to believe that she and Charissa talked. Specifically that they talked about marriage and relationships. He hurried to Vivian's flat for damage control.

--

When Vivian opened the door to find Sirius standing at the threshold, her breath caught in her throat. It was a stupid reaction. She had known that he would be back. She had learned to believe him when he said that he loved her, if only because that was the most convenient thing for her to do. Still, seeing was different than believing. "So, is that it, then? It's over with Charissa?"

Sirius pushed past her, then turned to face her. "You have to know that I really did try to break it off."

Vivian tried to keep her voice even. "But?"

"But she wouldn't listen! And now..." Vivian waited patiently for him to finish. "We're taking the relationship to the next level."

"And what does that mean exactly?"

Sirius scratched his neck. "I guess we're dating? She's just so happy, I don't even know what to say."

"Oh, right. Here's what you say: Are you off your rocker? I'm breaking up with you, you twit."

Sirius laughed. "I thought I wasn't supposed to anger her."

Vivian pursed her lips. "Do you at least believe me now?"

"That's she's evil?" He pretended to think about it. "No."

Vivian rubbed her temples. "You wait here. I'll be back in a few minutes." She Apparated out, leaving Sirius wondering.

She walked up the steps to the Rookwood house. She had only been there once before, on the day she went with Evan. The same bored looking house elf opened the door, and Vivian told him that she wanted to speak with Charissa. She followed the house elf to the parlor containing the young Miss Rookwood and waited to be announced.

Charissa welcomed her with a bright smile. "Vivian, what a pleasant surprise."

Vivian took a seat on the edge of the couch, trying not to get too comfortable. "Yeah, I hadn't heard from you since you burst into my flat in hysterics. I was wondering how everything was going."

"Oh, it's great. I took your advice and started seeing a wonderful man. It's getting pretty _serious_." She emphasized the last word.

Vivian sucked on her tooth. "Anyone I know?"

Charissa grinned maliciously. "I think so."

Then Vivian knew for sure. She knew that Charissa had done this on purpose. "Why, Charissa? Why him?"

"Vivian, I did you a favor. If you really had a hold on him, he would not have started sleeping with me in the first place."

"Actually..." Vivian hated that she felt the need to explain herself to Charissa. "He just had a little trouble with my engagement, and we were on a break during that time. So he wasn't cheating on me. But he was breaking up with you tonight, and you know it."

"I know no such thing. He never said anything like that."

"Okay, I am going to make this real simple for you. Sirius is an Auror. If you don't let this go, I'll tell him that your father is a Death Eater."

"Mmm, no, I don't think so. Because if you don't let Sirius go, I'll tell everyone about the affair, and I'll say that you were passing information on to him."

Vivian stifled a gasp. Charissa did not know anything, but that would not stop her from saying it. "He doesn't want me to let him go. He's in love with me."

Charissa shook her head sadly. "How many times did Evan say that before he left you? Because it really wasn't difficult for me to charm my way into his bed."

"And look how that turned out."

"Sirius thinks he loves you, but he is better off without you. You got engaged to another man, for Merlin's sake. Let's look at this objectively. You took a break because of your engagement, and he was fine. He moved on with me, and I am beautiful and sexy and a far more fitting choice for someone of his station." Vivian rolled her eyes at this. "So if you will just walk away and let him be happy, I will make him happy."

Vivian would not admit it, but Charissa had gotten to her with that comment about him being better off without her. "Sirius couldn't care less about his station, and as for you being able to make him happy, you're just using him for his money, which he doesn't even have anymore."

"He has enough."

"Oh, so you admit it."

"It isn't about the money, Vivian; it's about companionship. What are you using him for?"

Vivian should have answered quickly, but she stopped to think about it. She was not using Sirius, not the way Charissa was, but in a way there was an answer. She was using him to make her feel loved and valued in a way she had never been made to feel before. She had no intention of being that emotionally open with Charissa though, so, after several seconds of silence, she said, "Fine. You can have your chance with him. I won't interfere."

"So you're really going to let him go?" Charissa sounded skeptical.

Vivian laughed. "No. But if he wants to continue this relationship, I won't stand in the way of that. How could I? As you pointed out, I was engaged to another man."

Charissa regarded her shrewdly. "If that's a challenge, I accept. You don't think I can get him away from you, but I can."

"And if that's true, I would really like to know that before the relationship goes any further."

A silence stretched between them. Vivian continued. "This didn't exactly go the way I planned. I'll let myself out."

--

Sirius knew he was overstepping his bounds, but after Vivian left him alone, he went through her kitchen and poured out all the alcohol he found. He went back and forth about it. On the one hand, she had a family history of alcohol abuse, and she had been drinking a lot. On the other hand, she was adopted, and she'd only been drinking heavily for a couple months, that he knew of. Finally, he decided to do it. Some of the things she had said the morning before had worried him. The entire time, as he was searching through her cabinets, he was afraid she would come home and catch him, but she did not return for quite a while.

--

When Vivian got home that night, she found Sirius asleep on her couch. She realized that it was rather late. After she finished her conversation with Charissa, she had walked around the neighboring town thinking about what had happened. For a while, she wondered if Charissa had tricked her somehow. She did not really want to believe that was even possible, but underestimating Charissa seemed to be a common problem. So she needed to really think about it.

Vivian had meant it when she told Sirius that she thought the best chance for them was to start over without the other relationships in the way. And she really did want to believe in his love, but it was hard for her. It was wrong. It was wrong for her to test him. She had been the one putting him through everything. Since the day they met, he had hardly done anything wrong. Charissa had not convinced Vivian to do anything; she had not needed to. Vivian watched Sirius sleep and promised herself that if he passed this test, she would finally believe in him.

She nudged him awake. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled. "Hey, there," he said.

"Hey, yourself."

Sirius sat up and smoothed back his hair. "Did you break up with Charissa for me?"

Vivian smiled weakly. "No, you're going to have to do that for yourself." After a pause, she quickly added, "But you don't have to if you don't want to."

Sirius looked bemused. "I'm sorry?"

"Charissa and I talked, and she made me realize how selfish I've been."

"By monopolizing my affection?"

"No." Vivian sat next to him. "I was living with another man. I got engaged to him. If you want to continue seeing Charissa, it would be hypocritical for me to object."

"But what about everything you said before, about needing to start over in an exclusive relationship? You don't mean this. You're just testing me."

Vivian rubbed her face. "I don't want you to break up with her just because that's what I want. I want you to... do whatever is going to make you happiest."

Sirius stared at the side of her face with squinted eyes, until finally, she turned to face him. Then he took her cheeks in his hands and looked deep in her eyes. "What am I supposed to say?"

She pulled his hands down. "The truth, how you really feel. Take some time. Think about it. What do you want to do? I'll be here regardless."

Sirius sat back. "When you were with Rosier, living with him, engaged to him, that wasn't about... him. You weren't really with him. It was all a scam to get information. Am I wrong about any of that?"

"No, but that doesn't matter." Vivian sighed, frustrated. "This isn't about me. This isn't something we need to discuss. I'm just telling you that I realize--"

"No, you don't realize. You don't realize how much I love you. What is going to make me the happiest? Whatever will make you happy and make you feel comfortable, so that you can stop being so skittish. So, I'm going to break it off, because for all your protest of how fine you are with it, you're not. You won't be here regardless." He laughed. "You're not okay with sharing me. With a woman you hate, by the way."

"It's got to be easier than sharing you with a friend."

"Yeah, if only you had friends."

That should have stung, but it didn't because he was right. In that moment, Vivian had to think hard to come up with the names of the few friends she actually had. She counted Narcissa. Despite everything that had happened there, they were friends. Then there Octavia, and then she was done. What scared her was that she was starting to think maybe Charissa was kind of her friend. "But that's not... I'm not okay with it, but that not the point. If you break up with her, I want it to be because she can't offer you anything you want. Because you don't want her, not because you do want me. I don't want you to say it and have it just be words. I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear. I want the truth."

"When have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?"

Vivian almost said, "When you tried to kill my brother," but that was not fair. "Please, just take me out of the equation, and tell me what you want from Charissa."

Sirius took a deep breath. "I want her out of the way so that you will always stay in the equation. I don't know how to take you out of it. She was a placeholder, a warm body, something to do when I was bored. And she was fun to do. Of the options, she was a good one. But none of that compares to you. If I hadn't come here two nights ago, if we hadn't gotten back together, Charissa never would have become more than a fling."

"No, no, no. You're underestimating her. When you tried to break up with her, she manipulated you into taking it to next level. She would have done that anyway eventually, and you would have gone along with it, because..."

"Because I couldn't have what I really wanted. Okay, I'll give you that; you could be right. But it would have been because I was so depressed at the thought that you would never love me that I wouldn't care anymore."

"Here's what I want to know. Do you think, honestly, that you could ever have fallen in love with her?"

Sirius shook his head. "No."

Vivian did not believe he had given it enough thought. "Honestly? If you hadn't shown up at my flat, you never would have loved again?"

Sirius grinned in that infuriating way of his. "Well, that's a different question. What are you afraid of? That I'm going to fall in love with someone else? What, you finally believe that I love you as much as Dorcas, so you're looking for someone else by whom you can feel threatened?"

"No." Vivian could not think of any responses to this accusation so she left it at that.

"You drive me crazy. How many hoops do I have jump through to make you believe me? What is it-- What is it about you that makes you the way you are? What do I have to compensate for? What do I have to do?"

"I don't... want to make a mistake. I don't want to fall for you and then lose you. I'm scared. This is scary. Why can't you see that? I don't let people in, and I don't get hurt. I don't like being hurt." He was smiling. She wanted to smack him. "I know that no one likes getting hurt, but... but I'm just talking about me. I can't trust you; I can't l-- love you unless you can guarantee that you'll never hurt me."

"I can't do that. I want to, but there are no guarantees."

"Then can you just let me be skittish for a little while longer? You know what, break it off with Charissa. Tell me what I want to hear, even if it's empty platitudes and the kind of lies every relationship is built on. Tell me you could never love anyone else. Tell me you never think about other women. Tell me she was nothing compared to me. Just let me have some time."

Sirius was silent for a few moments. "I could never love anyone else," he said in earnest. "I never think about other women. She was nothing compared to you. It's over. I promise you, it is over, and it will never happen again. I will never hurt you. You are everything I could ever want or need, and I love you, Vivian. You can have all the time you need. Just believe that I love you."

Vivian's heart swelled and she felt tears stinging in her eyes. It was ridiculous how the words she had put in his mouth were affecting her. "I don't even want to know how much of that was a lie."

"Probably not as much as you think. So we're okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay," Vivian said, and she actually meant it.

Sirius stood. "Good, because I'm tired. Let's go to bed."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I really want to finish this story, because there is more, but I have very little time right now. As it is at the end of this chapter, Sirius and Vivian are happy. So I feel like this is a good place to put the story on pause. I'm going to call this the end of Part One. I have no idea when I'll update again. It might be a month, or it might be several. But I am committed to writing Part Two. (Which will not be as long. Only about ten or eleven chapters.) I assure you that this story is my priority. After school and family. (And football.)


	21. November 1980

**Author's Note:** I did not intend to start this up again just yet, and there are no guarantees that I'll be updating quickly. (Even quickly for this story.) It's just that every time I post a new Heroes fic, I feel really guilty. Like if I have time to write, why am I not writing for this story? So I have guilted myself into starting Part Two. Enjoy.

--

--

**Chapter 21**

**November 1980**

Vivian knew that Sirius had been having trouble breaking up with Charissa, because she was a "nice girl," and he did not want to hurt her. She also knew that for a week, since his second attempt to end it, he had been avoiding Charissa completely. He did this by spending every night at Vivian's flat. So, when he came in the front door and announced that he had finally broken things off with Charissa, Vivian was a little skeptical.

"So you mean that you broke it off as in she knows that it's over? You didn't just say the words, but she actually acknowledged it?"

"Yes." Sirius settled onto the couch. "That's what I mean. And I was thinking now that I've done that for you, maybe--"

"I'm sorry, for me? You did that for yourself. I did not place any demands on you. You decided it was going to make you the happiest. Because you didn't want her anymore."

"Right, so now that I've done that for _us_, I was hoping you'd do something for me."

Vivian sat next to him on the couch. "Oh, I will," she said earnestly. "I'll deal with Charissa from here on out, because this is not over."

Sirius laughed at her. "Well, in addition to giving in to paranoid delusions, will you do me another favor?"

Vivian shrugged. "Depends."

She had not really thought that it would be anything too bad, but when it took him a while to speak again, she braced herself. "I want to... I want to be able to tell people about us. I want you to meet my friends. I want—Well, I don't actually want to meet your friends, but you know what I mean."

Vivian was at a loss for words. Telling people, going public had never even occurred to her. "It's too soon. My fiancé just died. We can't go public. We—We just can't."

"I'm not saying go public exactly. It's just that you are a part of my life, and I don't want to have to hide this anymore."

Again, Vivian had never really thought about the future. To her, it was as though their relationship existed in a bubble. Now they were in a real, monogamous relationship, and she supposed that changed things. She had pushed him into this, or maybe he had pushed her with the talk of love, but still, these were the terms of the relationship to which she had agreed. "We need to work out an official story, because the truth? The truth is no good. I can't have people knowing that I cheated on Evan, especially not with you."

"Right. James might already know the truth."

Vivian chuckled. "Of course you told him. Okay, you can tell James whatever you want, but beyond that, we have to tread carefully."

"So what's the official story?"

"You want _me_ to make it up?"

He raised his eyebrows. "I am _allowing_ you to spin it however you want."

"All right, now some people know some things." She paused thinking hard. "Obviously, we slept together after my break-up with Lucius. Severus thinks it was not a one-time thing, so that needs to be taken into consideration. If he thinks I'm lying... We'll be vague about that, but if pressed it was more than once. It was a few times, before I ever sought out Evan. There was intense sexual tension, it was resolved, and we went our separate ways. After he left me for Charissa, it happened again. I did it because I was feeling undesirable and rejected, you did it... for your own reasons. You can spin that however you want. It was over when Evan and I got back together. But now, I'm lonely, and I'm tired of being alone, and... And you've been a constant in my life. I found myself succumbing to your charm again. And you get the gist."

"Yes, I think I can remember that. Basically, the gist of it is that you find me irresistible, and every time you were single, you were drawn to me. And you've finally stopped fighting it."

"I don't think I'd put it like that exactly." He shrugged, and he managed to look fairly charming and irresistible. "And what were your reasons for getting involved with me?"

"Well, like you said, there was the sexual tension. And you have this bad girl thing going for you. And there was something about shagging Snape's sister. And then, once I'd had you, there were whole lot of other reasons. You were just such a freak in bed."

Vivian smacked him on the arm. "You are not going to say that."

"I had to have a reason for leaving Charissa. When you came to me all needy and alone, not even caring that I was already seeing someone..., it turned out you just have a way of driving me crazy. So I dumped the hot blonde and convinced you to try to make it work for real this time."

Vivian smiled broadly. "You're not going to believe this, but I really, really like that version of the story. I mean that even almost works with what Charissa knows. She knows that I cheated on Evan, but you and I really did just get back together."

"I know."

"Just give me about a week to break the news to Narcissa. I would hate for her to hear about this from someone else."

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian walked hesitantly up the steps to Malfoy Manor. Her stomach was doing flip flops. She did not know exactly what she was going to say to Narcissa, and she should have known better than to try to wing it, but she had her story down, and she knew that she would never be ready for this conversation.

In the parlor, Narcissa welcomed her with open arms. "How have you been?" she asked, her brow wrinkled with concern.

Vivian sat on the plush loveseat. "That's an interesting question. You remember how I was drinking a lot and wallowing because my fiance died?"

"Vaguely," Narcissa said facetiously. Within her tight-lipped smile though, there was a certain tension.

Vivian was struck with a fear that somehow Narcissa already knew. "Well, er, I've found a slightly healthier way of coping with the loss, but you aren't going to like it."

Narcissa went from tense to icy. "I swear if you are sleeping with my husband again,--"

"No! Nothing like that." Vivian thought about it. "Actually, it is quite a bit like that, but not with Lucius."

"Oh, whose husband are you sleeping with?" It was not said in an accusatory way but rather in the gleeful tone of someone who loves gossip and scandal.

Vivian did not like that her friend had such a low opinion of her. "I'm not-- He's not married; that's not the problem."

"Then what is the problem?" Narcissa asked, edging closer.

"He's..." Vivian took a deep breath. "When I met him, I was in such a bad place, and I made a mistake. And I kept making that mistake whenever I was feeling bad about myself. But he makes me happy."

Narcissa narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "And who is he?"

"Sirius Black," Vivian said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Oh, Vivian, no." She sounded so disappointed.

Vivian buried her face in her hands. "I'm not proud of it."

"All right, this isn't so bad. It means you're ready to move on, or at least have meaningless sex. So we'll just take that and apply it in a positive way."

Vivian did not know how to respond to that. "Maybe."

"We're going to find you a good one this time. No more blood traitors." Vivian remained silent. "Look, just because he's my cousin, it doesn't mean that I'm blind to him. I get it. He's witty and charming, when he wants to be, and in fairness, he's probably not as juvenile as he once was. And yes, he is so good-looking. It's a family trait," she added with false modesty. "If it weren't for his fascination with Mudbloods, he'd be a great catch, an incredible catch, actually, because he'd still have his money, and I probably wouldn't think you were good enough for him. But the way it stands now? You don't want to go down that road."

This was getting away from Vivian, because Narcissa was actually making good points. Vivian pressed on, though; she had known that it was not going to be easy. "I stopped drinking. I stopped wallowing. Going down this road might just be a lot better than staying on the one I was going down. He's the only thing that has held me together since Evan's death."

Narcissa looked disgusted by this, which was to be expected. "What are you talking about? This is Sirius! He can't be the one to hold you together. It simply isn't allowed. This isn't some kind of political squabble; we're gearing up for a war here."

Vivian shook her head, at a loss. "I don't care anymore," she finally said.

"What?"

"I don't care," she said with a little more conviction. "I don't think I ever really cared. If you all want to know why I never took the mark, that's why. Sirius is pure, and that's good enough."

"Oh, come off it, Vivian. Are you saying that you actually see this... thing with Sirius going anywhere? Let me break it down for you: he's using you. There's no best case scenario or worst case scenario. There is only one possible scenario. He doesn't see you as a person. He's not making love to an attractive woman. He's shagging Severus' sister. Or Lucius' mistress or Evan's fiancée. End of story."

"Do you think I'm stupid? I--"

"I don't know. You make a lot of stupid decisions."

Vivian knew she had walked into that one. "Well, I'm not so stupid that I'm going to believe your speculations about a situation that you've never witnessed over my having actually lived through it."

"So what-- What does Sirius offer you to make you want to alienate everyone who cares about you? Is it that you really believe someone like him is less likely to be killed than someone like Evan?"

"Evan was killed." Vivian felt that this was the first good point she had gotten in thus far.

Everything about Narcissa demeanor changed. "You've lost faith. You think they're going to win."

"I don't care anymore! I don't-- Yeah, I think they're probably going to win."

Narcissa bent her head down. It was difficult for Vivian to hear, but it sounded like Narcissa said, "I don't care anymore either."

"I'm sorry?"

She lifted her head. "I have a son now, and all I care about is making sure he grows up with a father. So I do care who wins, but I don't care why or what they do with it. I just care about what it means for my family. But you don't have a family. Don't try to tell me that you love Sirius the way I love Lucius."

"I don't. I could say that it's because I'm an opportunist, but that's too easy." Vivian paused to think about it. Narcissa had given her a perfect opening, and she needed to figure out how to use it.

Narcissa spoke again. "He's not that different from Evan, you know. They're both arrogant, handsome, wealthy. I mean, there are differences of course, but if anything, this is you playing it safe. You don't care if he's using you, do you?"

Narcissa was coming up with all the answers to her own questions. Vivian wanted to nod and go along with whatever Narcissa wanted to believe, but she could not follow her friend's train of thought. "What do you mean?"

"Sirius. He's like the anti-Evan, in that he's a blood traitor, but he's also exactly like Evan. He even kind of looks like Evan. He's... safe, ironically enough. And you're using him to make you feel safe."

"So you think that his agenda doesn't matter to me. You think that I'm letting him--" Vivian stopped herself from saying something vulgar. "--have his way with me because... Because of what?"

Narcissa shook her head, like it was not her place to say anything. "Nothing. Never mind."

They sat in an amicable silence for about a minute. That struck Vivian as odd. "Wait, so are you okay with this?"

"Vivian, you slept with my husband. Do you really think I care if you sleep with my cousin? Just stay away from my father, and we'll be fine."

Vivian had no doubt that soon her association with Sirius would strain this friendship, but she was glad that had been forestalled. Despite the problems they had in the past, Narcissa was the closest friend Vivian had ever had. The way she had accepted Vivian's poor choice, as she would see it, made Vivian even sadder to think of the friendship ending. She wanted to enjoy it for as long as she could. "I kind of stole him away from Charissa," she said sheepishly.

"Oh." Narcissa's eyes lit up. "That was a piece of the puzzle I did not have. So you are using him."

Vivian shrugged. "What's so wrong about wanting to feel safe anyway?"

Narcissa snorted. "How safe is going to be when he dumps you? He's probably dying to break your heart and hurt the people he hates even more."

"Do you think I'm among them? You think he hates me? Because I've been there with him, and I think he kind of likes me. I'm good with men. I can entice them away from their wives, and--"

"Not _away_ from."

"--and incredibly beautiful blonde sluts. Men like me, more than Charissa apparently. I might be able to hold onto this one."

Narcissa laughed. "I hope that's true."

To hear Narcissa, albeit backhandedly, wish her well in her relationship with Sirius meant more to Vivian than she could have possibly imagined. She wanted to change the subject. "So where is my godson?"

~*~*~*~*~

"You are such an idiot," James said.

Sirius nodded. "Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me."

James shook his head. "I'm telling you, this a mistake. That girl is trouble. She's just done whole number on you, and that scares me. What did she say to you?"

"About what?"

"About getting back together. How did she do that?"

Sirius did not think that the details of her drinking were pertinent. "She... You're not going to like this, but she didn't have to talk me into anything. She told me she couldn't live without me. That was probably what really did it for me."

James narrowed his eyes. "She can't live without you?"

Sirius shrugged. "That's what she said."

James pondered this. "So she sought you out and begged you to take her back."

Sirius geared up to explain what had happened, but instead he just left it at, "No."

"So it came up in conversation? By the way, I'm dying on the inside, but I don't care if you come back or not. Is that how it went?"

"No. You know how she refused to say she loved me?" James nodded. "Right, well, she was upset with me for sleeping with someone else, when I supposedly loved her, and she kind of spat out her affection. But at least she finally expressed it."

James shook his head and sighed with a smile on his face. "I don't understand your relationship at all."

"I'll be honest with you; sometimes I don't either. She is so neurotic it drives me insane, but I can't get that woman out of my head."

"Yes!" James raised his hands in triumph. "So you admit it?"

"I'm not sure to what I'm admitting, but sure. Anyway, Vivian and I are really doing this. She has already told Narcissa that she wants to be with me, and we're going to be a real couple now."

"Which means I have to throw her a dinner party."

Sirius laughed. "It doesn't have to be anything too fancy. I just want you to meet her."

"I did meet her. She... was quite neurotic. You're right about that."

Sirius nodded. "If it helps she's less excited about meeting you and Lily than you are about meeting her. She thinks you guys hate her for some reason."

James thought about it for moment. "Didn't she talk about enslaving muggleborns?"

That sounded vaguely familiar to Sirius. "I don't know. Maybe. She was probably joking."

"Yeah, that is funny," James said dryly.

"She just has a very dark sense of humor."

"I guess it goes with her dark soul. Not to mention her dark lord."

Those were the kind of comments that worried Sirius. "You're not actually going to say things like that when she's here, right?"

"Do you have to have dinner with Lucius and Narcissa?"

Sirius did not like how James had avoided answering the question. "No."

"Because they are technically your family."

The thought of those people being family gave Sirius chills. "I thought we agreed never to mention that again."

"So how is this fair that you're throwing her to the lions so to speak, but you don't have to... do anything for her?"

"Why are you suddenly taking her side?"

James shrugged. "You come from two different worlds, and I don't see how it works if you're not making any kind of concession to her."

"You're right, we do come from two different worlds. She was raised in poverty by a Muggle father. I was raised wealthy and pureblooded. So really,--"

Sirius stopped when he saw James's face. His eyes were wide. "Her father's a Muggle! Wait, the one who raised her?"

Sirius forgot that he had not mentioned that before. In fact, he had promised Vivian that he would not tell any more people. "Yeah, maybe you shouldn't--"

"The ones who are Snivellus' real parents, they're Muggles?"

"Just his father, but I wasn't supposed to tell you that."

"That disgusting little worm. What he's not even pure and he's spewing that hate speech? He called Lily a you-know-what; what does that make him?"

"A halfblood and a hypocrite. But can you please keep that to yourself? Vivian and I just got back together, and I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone else."

"Because she's ashamed. Because she's a bigot."

Sirius shook his head. "She just wants to protect her brother. And I don't mind you saying things like that, but please promise to be nice to her face."

James leaned back with a triumphant look on his face. "Sure."

~*~*~*~*~

As Vivian walked up the path to the Potters' house, she had a similar feeling to when she had to meet Mrs. Rosier. The difference here was that she actually needed to care what these people thought of her. She knew, no matter what Sirius said, that James hated her. She had heard his criticism first hand about a year before, and Sirius was never convincing when he tried to tell her that had all changed. She sucked in her breath as Sirius knocked on the door. He squeezed her hand to reassure her, but it did not help very much.

Time seemed to move in slow motion from the moment the door opened. Lily took her coat, and the two couples made awkward small talk for about a half hour. Sirius dominated the conversation, just as Evan had in his mother's parlor. This was when Vivian realized the weight of the meeting. It was the equivalent of meeting Sirius' parents.

The polite conversation was unbearable for Vivian because she knew the hard questions were coming. She could see in the way James and Lily looked at her that they were just waiting to ambush her. But the pleasantries stretched on for what seemed like hours. Finally, toward the middle of the meal, James turned to Vivian and said, "So Sirius tells us that you've been spying for the Order."

He had caught her with her mouth full, and she was forced to chew with everyone staring at her, just like with Mrs. Rosier. She reflected, as she swallowed, that was something she needed to remember in case she ever had children, because it was very effective. "That's true. I started right after I finished school."

"And yet didn't you tell Remus that you wanted to enslave muggleborns?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "James!"

Vivian wanted to tell him that she could not possibly be expected to stand behind everything she ever said, but then she remembered the context of when she had said that to Remus. "Only after he suggested killing them. I was simply trying to mitigate the carnage. And I'm not a hundred percent sure that I used the word enslave anyway."

Lily crossed her arms. "So what makes you think that you're good enough for our Sirius?"

Vivian looked at Sirius. "I never said I thought I was good enough for him. He's pretty amazing."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're just pandering. Really, why should we accept this relationship when there are so many better options for him?"

Sirius objected to this. "That might--"

"No, I'll handle this. That was not the first time I've been asked that question. I don't know what exactly Sirius told you about us, but you are absolutely right. He deserves so much better than what I've been able to give him. Still, and I can't quite wrap my head around this, he loves me."

"Do you love him?" As he asked this, James had a smug look on his face that Vivian could not figure out.

She hesitated for only the slightest moment. "Yes." Saying that was easier than trying to explain. She avoided Sirius' eyes. "And just out of curiosity, what are his better options? Because when we were apart, he did not do that well for himself."

Lily laughed incredulously. "You must be joking. Sirius--"

She was drowned out by the flapping wings of three owls descending on the table in unison. One owl landed in front of James, another in front of Lily, and the last in front of Sirius. They all opened their post in unison.

Sirius pushed himself away from the table. He gave Vivian an apologetic look. "There's an emergency meeting. We have to go."

"We'll try to reschedule sometime," Lily said. "If you last that long," she added under her breath.

In a matter of minutes, Vivian was alone on the front stoop. This was not the first time she had experienced something like this. Evan's mark would flare up, and he would drop whatever he was doing and be out the door. Standing in front of the Potter house, it felt different though. She had not really felt that she belonged to begin with, and now she was left feeling even more out of place than ever. She sat on the step. The emergency Order meeting made her realize something. She was useless now. No one was going to tell her anything while she was dating the most famous blood traitor of their generation.

What did an emergency meeting even mean? Was that code for busting up a Death Eater raid? Vivian remembered Narcissa's allusion to the fact that Sirius was just as likely to die as Evan. She placed her elbows on her knees and buried her face in her hands. The memory of Evan death hit her hard, and then it faded into the memory of the day she found out about Benjy's murder. Overwhelming emotions came over her in waves. The last thing she wanted to do was cry outside a relative stranger's house, so she pulled herself to her feet and Apparated home.

Her flat seemed so empty without Sirius, despite the fact that he did not even live there. She went into the kitchen. It was not a conscious choice as she opened the cabinet to take down a bottle of wine. But the wine was not there. She looked through the other cabinets, in case she had misplaced the bottles, but they were all gone.

Vivian sat on the kitchen floor in shock. She knew that she had at least four bottles of wine left from back when she was drinking daily. She _knew_ it, so there was only one explanation. Sirius really did think she was an alcoholic. Although she had managed to choke back her tears until then, this thought sent her over the edge. It was not the facts of it that bothered her right then, or even that he was probably right. She just did not want him thinking that of her.

Two hours later, Sirius found Vivian still sitting on her kitchen floor. She looked up at him but did not say a word.

He crouched down to her level. "Is everything okay?"

She shook her head as though in a fog. "It occurred to me that you might die tonight. And I felt like I was barely hanging on, to what I don't know." She gave a very dry laugh. "All I wanted was a drink, but there's no alcohol in this flat, which is weird."

Sirius opened his mouth to explain, but she continued, "All that time I was worried about turning out like my mother, either of them, and I became an alcoholic like my father."

Sirius was so glad she realized that. He sat down next to her. "You were only drinking heavily for a few months. I think you'll be able to bounce back from this."

She put her head on his shoulder. "I'm glad you didn't die tonight."

It had not been that kind of emergency. It was literally a meeting. Dumbledore needed to tell James and Lily about a prophecy that had been made months before. Dumbledore usually did not put much stock into prophecies, but he had just learned that Lord Voldemort had been made aware of it. After hearing about this prophecy and what it meant for the Potters, or alternately the Longbottoms, Sirius felt a little like he needed a drink too, but given Vivian's state, that was obviously not a good idea. He stood and pulled her to her feet. Then he led her to the bedroom.


End file.
